Addiction rears its ugly head.
TWO DAYS LATER
The next two days were spent making up for lost time. Lots of kissing, cuddling, late nights and love making. It felt like somebody had pulled back a pair of black curtains and let all the light it. It was blinding happiness. In fact, I couldn’t remember a time when I was so happy. Every time Gerard so much as looked at me I was overwhelmed with affection for him.
We were inseparable, always side by side. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Even though I was awkward and new at the whole girlfriend thing, Gerard was patient and understanding the way he always been. He kissed me like a rock star and he always wanted to hold my hand. It was great; it was fun, pure and simple. Even my mom was happy when I told her. I felt like I see a beautiful glimmer of hope on the horizon. I felt like things just might work out for me this time around.
I awoke with yawn the next morning in the hotel room. I felt somebody nuzzling my neck and I smiled, knowing who it was. I turned over to see a still dozing Gerard laying next to me, absently smooching my neck. Chuckling soft, I poked him in the forehead to rouse him completely. He opened his eyes and beamed when he saw me. I greeted him with a good morning kiss which he gratefully returned.
“Hi.” he said sheepishly, sitting up and stretching. I lounged back against the pillow as he got out of bed. He poked around, searching for all his clothes which had beened scattered across the hotel room from last night’s shenanigans.
Your underwear is over there.” I said with a laugh when he couldn’t find them. I pointed the ugly green chair and he smiled as he picked them up
“What are you staring at?” he asked, sounding nervous. I didn’t even realize I had been staring. But how could I resist? I shrugged and got out of bed too, deciding it was a good idea to locate my clothes as well.
“No reason. You’re just lovely is all.” I smiled, slipping into my favorite Batman under pants and matching bra. Gerard laughed and rolled his eyes as if to say “yeah right”. despite how good looking he was, he was really self conscious.
“Wanna cuddle for a bit before we go find everybody?” he asked, sitting back on the bed. I nodded and flopped next to him. I scooted up and pressed my lips to his, smiling when I felt his hands slide over my hips.
“Sometimes I can’t believe I’m actually kissing you. Sometimes I get afraid that your gonna turn around and pretend like none of the last two days even happened.” Gerard admitted. This made me frown. I hurt him, scarred him. I was surprised he even wanted to date me after all that I had put him through.
“Ugh, I’m sorry. I know, I don’t blame you. But please just believe me when I tell you that I love you with all my heart.” I said sadly. Gerard half frowned, both of us not knowing what to say next. I kissed him again, hoping to imprint my words more profoundly.
“We should get married.” Gerard mumbled, his mouth traveling to my neck. I laughed a little bit, but then realized he was being serious. I pulled away and looked at him with a puzzled expression.
“Gerard, we’ve been dating for two days.” I said with a chortle. He continued kiss me and brushing his nose against my jaw line, giving me shivers.
“I know, but I just love you so much. And we’re in Vegas, we could just go get hitched somewhere.” he mumbled. I smiled at how genuine he was. I never saw myself getting married. I never saw anybody wanting to put up with me “until death do us part”.
“Gerard, be serious.” I said, trying to get him to snap out of it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to marry him, I just was afraid he was still drunk from last night and babbling shit he didn’t mean.
“I am!” he said loudly. “You could get a white dress or even a white shirt, I don’t care. I’ll rent a suit if you want. Or I could dress up like Elvis.” he said with a broad smile. I laughed at the vision of him dressed like Elvis.
“Gerard, I don’t wanna get eloped.” I whined. Gerard pouted and kissed my cheek ten times in a row. I giggled and shook my head repeatedly.
“Please, please let’s get married?” Gerard begged kind of jokingly. I shook my head again and pushed him down when he pounced and attempted tried to smother me in more of his delicious little kisses.
“Gerard!” I laughed loudly as he pinned me down by my shoulders and forced a kiss on me. “Gerard, if we get married we have to either do it in New Jersey or Seattle. Our parents have to be there along with our friends. You can wear whatever you want, but I wanna wear a white dress.” I thought out loud. Gerard grinned at me and loosened his grip on my shoulders before kissing me on the tip of my nose.
“So we will get married one day?” He chimed, his eyes reminding me of a happy puppy knowing it was about to receive a treat. I grinned and bit my lip, taking his chin in both my hands.
“Yes, one day we’re gonna get married. I love you too much to not be your wife.” I said happily. He looked absolutely over the moon and then tackled me against the bed. I loved the feeling of his body weight pressing on mine, even if it did crush me.
“I don’t think anybody has ever made me as happy as you make me.” he said sweetly. I felt my heart sigh softly in contentment. He rested his head on my chest and his hand on my boob, making me laugh a little. We laid there for a while in the quiet, both of us kind of napping and dozing. It was times like this when I loved him so much I could hardly stand it.
After we left the hotel room that morning, Gerard disappeared with Bert for a few hours. I told myself not to get suspicious of anything, even though I didn’t really trust Bert with Gerard. I trusted Gerard though, one hundred percent. I knew he wouldn’t do anything that we would both regret later. After a while he came back, jumpy and excited about nothing at all. A little voice in the back of my head kept telling me something was wrong but I pushed it away and ignored it. I was just being paranoid.
But as the day went on, Gerard drank beer after beer after beer. I tried to keep watch, but I lost count. He was more fucked up than I’d ever seen. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He wanted to be drunk. It got so bad he couldn’t even go out with the guys tonight, so I basically had to stay home and baby sit him. It was a lot like watching over a toddler with the stomach , a toddler who kept sneaking vodka shots behind your back.
“Gerard, come on! Liquor before beer, never fear! Beer before liquor, never sicker!” I scolded him as he wobbled for a moment before toppling over onto the side walk. My heart raced and I rushed over to him as he just laid there. I felt helpless and terrified.
“Gerard, come on. Get up. Please. You’re scaring me.“ I mumbled fretfully to him, trying to help him up. He wouldn’t move though. He just groaned loudly. I felt helpless and scared, like I wanted to cry. I looked up frantically to try and find somebody who would help me and noticed a camera man looming a few yards away.
“Hey, get out of here! What is wrong with you? Why would you ever film something like this? If your gonna be here, help me! Don’t just stand there and film you fucking piece of shit creep!” I shrieked at him, fighting back my scared tears. He came over with Frank and helped me pull Gerard up.
“He’s alive!” the camera man laughed. I wanted to punch him in the mouth, but I just punched him in the shoulder because he was like two feet taller than me. What was wrong with people? Why would somebody find this funny? He was hurt! He was in trouble!
“Get out of here! Frank, make him leave!” I snapped, going to punch him again. Frank grabbed my fist and brought it down, shaking his head for me to calm down.
“Can’t. He’s supposed to be filming life on tour. I’ve been trying to escape him all afternoon.” Frank frowned. I groaned in annoyance and decided to just ignore the camera man until I could get Gerard back on the bus.
“Hey Gerard, I filmed you puking.” The camera chuckled. I wanted to strangle him so badly, but I just balled my fists and refrained as best as I could.
“Yeah, I know. Well what happened was I was walking and then I was like ‘woaaahh, I coulda killed so many plants’!” Gerard explained gruffly, slurring so bad it almost made me embarrassed for him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and started lugging him back over to his bus. I just wanted to get him inside and away from everybody. But then Gerard had to stop and puke while Frank patted his back and I held his hair away from his face.
“I’ll get better.” he grumbled drunkenly. I really wanted to cry now. I thanked Frank and wheeled Gerard away back to his bus.
“Let’s try to eat something, okay? How about some cereal?” I offered, sitting him at the mini kitchen table. I pulled out a box of Apple Jacks and messily poured it in a bowl with my shaking hands. Gerard didn’t say anything as I sat the bowl in front of him. I grabbed a spoon and fed him myself, figuring if he did it he’d probably just spill it all over himself.
“I can’t eat anymore.” Gerard protested sadly through his fifth mouthful. I sighed heavily and frowned.
“You have to get something in your stomach baby. Please, one more big, just one more big bite.” I said, feeling like I was baby sitting my neighbor’s stubborn children again. Gerard nodded and I spooned another bite into his mouth. He chewed and swallowed, but then turned his head and threw all of it up into the trash can by his side.
“Oh, ew! Okay, okay. Let’s go outside. Maybe you just need some fresh air, come on.” I said, cringing as I helped him back up. I poked my head out of the door to see if anybody was out. Frank and the camera man were gone, probably out partying with the other guys. Gerard and I went outside and sat on the curb where he had collapsed a few minutes ago.
“I love you.” he said drunkenly, laying his head on my shoulder. I grimaced and put my arm around his shoulder. I thought of all the times Gerard had done this for me. I guess I was repaying him right now.
“I love you too.” I said sadly. Gerard turned around and started gagging into the grass, but nothing would come up. I guess his stomach was completely empty by now. Off in the distance I heard faint sound of ambulance sirens going off.
“Is that for me?” Gerard whimpered, looking up at me with distressed and glossy eyes. My heart broke and I hugged him. He looked like he was about to burst into tears. I hoped he didn’t. I couldn’t take it if I saw him cry.
“Oh, Gerard. No that’s not for you. Please don’t do this.” I said with a sniff, resting my chin on his shoulder. Gerard mumbled something about wanting to go inside again, so we got up and I helped him get settled in his bunk. Maybe it would be best if he just slept it off.
“Don’t let go, you got the music in you. One dance left, this world is gonna pull through. Don’t give up, you got a reason to live. Can’t forget, we only get what we give.” I sang quietly, stroking Gerard’s hair and forehead as I tried to lull him to sleep. It was so hard to sing when my throat was all choked up from holding back tears.
Gerard drifted off and I sat beside his bunk, afraid he’d choke on his vomit in his sleep. I set out a towel in case he got sick again. I knew something was amiss. He never got this sick from just drinking beer and vodka. He was coming from down from something, but I didn’t know what. I sure that Bert had given him something, whether Gerard knew it or not. I hadn’t felt this helpless since the death of my father and sister. This was awful, but I had no idea that this was just the beginning.
Suddenly Gerard turned on his side and started gagging once more. I backed up and was horrified to see that he was only throwing up reddish bile. I quickly wrapped up the soiled towel and tossed it in the sink before rushing back to his side. He had started shaking and convulsing. I shook him hard to try and wake him up, but he was out cold. I was so scared that my fingers and lower lip were trembling. Gerard stopped convulsing and that’s when I knew I needed serious help.
“Gerard, wake up.” I said through my cracking voice. I brushed away my tears and stood up, grabbing Gerard’s phone off the counter to call somebody. I tried Ray; no answer. Frank and Mikey’s phones went straight to voice mail. Milo didn’t pick up either. I had never felt so lost and so hopeless in my life. Where to I turn? Who do I run to? The person I would’ve run to was laying in his bunk, passed out drunk.
I sat next to his bunk again and put my head in my hands, falling to pieces right there. I just wanted him to wake up and to show some signs of life at least. What if he died? What if his heart just stopped? I shuddered. I couldn’t loose another person. I had already been forced to part with so many. This wasn’t fair. This was pure torture.
I guess I had fallen asleep too, because the next thing I knew, Mikey was gently shaking me awake. The guys had come back and I could’ve cried I was so relieved. I stood up and hugged Mikey so hard he almost fell over. Then I did start to cry.
“Woah, woah, woah. What happened? Why are you crying?” Frank asked as he pulled me from Mikey. I was wailing so hard I could barely talk.
“Its Gerard! He was so sick! He started throwing up and shaking. Why wouldn’t you answer your phones?” I sobbed openly to them. Ray leaned over and inspected Gerard, who was still knocked out. Bob patted my back, trying to comfort me.
“We didn’t have any cell phone service in the bar. Is he okay now? How long has he been out?” Frank asked, putting his hands on my shoulder. I hiccupped a few times before answering.
“I-I don’t know. He passed out twenty minutes after you left. He’s been out. I didn’t know what to do or who to go to. I was so s-scared.” I rambled, my words gushing out of me before I could stop them.
“Listen, you’ve got to calm down. We’re here now. I don’t think he needs to go to the hospital. He’s gonna be fine. Its really late, you should go get some sleep. Milo is back on your bus. Just calm down, we’ll take care of him. Just go get some rest.” Frank said slowly, as if he was talking to a mental patient. I nodded and tried to stop myself from shaking.
“Okay. Just tell me if anything happens while I’m gone.” I said with a big, shaking breath. Frank promised he would and then I left. It was dark outside, no stars and no moon in sight though. I felt like I was in an Alfred Hitchcock movie or something. But little did I know that this was just the start of the storm.