Stories from the past
Gerard didn’t die that night. When I found out he was alright I thanked God and Satan and Buddha and everybody else I could think of. I wanted to see him but Mikey said he was still really tired and hung over and didn’t want me to see him. He said that Gerard was embarrassed about what he did and sorry for what he put me through. I hadn’t even been mad at him. I was just thankful that he was okay.
“Desolé, somebody wants to see you.” Milo’s melodic voice chimed, as he poked his head into the bus. I was laying in my bunk, resting up before the show and napping. I opened the black curtain on my bunk and looked out to see Milo standing with Gerard, who looked like he was about to pass out.
“Come in.” I said sleepily, scooting over to make room for Gerard so that he could lay next me. Milo nodded and left and Gerard wandered in and laid down next to me. He rolled over so that he was facing me and buried his pretty face in my neck. I was very tired from staying up so late last night and Gerard seemed just as out of it as me.
“Can we talk for a little while?” Gerard whimpered into my ear. I nodded and turned to kiss his nasty hair. “I wanna say sorry for last night.” he began.
“I wasn’t mad. I was just really scared. I thought you were gonna die.” I interjected quietly. Gerard was silent for a moment or two before continuing.
“I know. I’m sorry I scared you like that. Frank told me you were a crying mess when they got back.” he said kind of absently. I frowned a little bit. I wasn’t too fond of the description “crying mess”.
“I just want you to be careful. I know your mixing pills and booze and I wish you wouldn’t.” I said sadly. Gerard sighed.
“It complicated-” he started.
“I know its complicated! But I feel like I’m loosing my mind. We’ve been together three days and I’m already completely spell bound by you! I feel like I’ve known you forever and I don’t know what I’d do without you now that I know what its like to have you.” I exclaimed, my feelings pouring out of me.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m wrapped too tightly around your finger for you to loose me. I know what you mean because I feel the exact same way.” Gerard assured me. I wrapped my arm over his chest.
“You’re a doll, you’re a catch, a prize. I love you and I’m lucky to have you.” Gerard said, kissing my head. “Sometimes you make me wanna pull my hair out, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
“I feel like you’re too good for me Gerard. I’m all busted up and shit and you’re just such a nice guy.” I mumbled into his chest. Sometimes I wished I could just bury myself inside him and hide there forever.
“Des, don’t ever worry about good enough for me. You’re all I want. You know the night I first met you Milo warned me that you liked to ‘eat nice guys like be for breakfast’.” he said with a small chuckle.
“Its not that I like to. I just have a bad habit of leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me wherever I go.” I said darkly. “And its not just guys, girls too.”
“Yeah, he told me you had a girlfriend who passed away.” he murmured. I frowned when I thought of Leah. I guess it was going to be one of “those” conversations.
“I’ve always loved girls. Until I met you I never loved a guy before. I thought I was lesbian for a long time.” I explained. Gerard started to laugh.
“I made you question your sexuality?” he laughed. I laughed a little bit too.
“You do have that effect on people dear.” I joked. Gerard shook his head and rolled his eyes. I hate when we wouldn’t take a compliment.
“So tell me about your girlfriend.” Gerard said when we had settled back down. I sighed inwardly and started toying with his fingers.
“She was like a mother in a weird way. She watched out for me and we just loved each other. We didn’t even have to go through the whole ‘will you go out with me’ thing because we just knew. She was two years older than me. But that’s nothing because you’re nearly ten years older.” I said dreamily, playing with Gerard’s hand.
“She sounds amazing. Do you have any pictures of her?” He asked. It made me happy that he liked her, even though they would never meet. I don’t know why but it made me feel a bit better.
“No, only images I have are in my memory.” I frowned. Gerard frowned too. “But she’s also one of the reasons I worry about you so much. She was a junkie.” I added. Gerard’s frown deepened.
“I’m not a junkie.” he said sternly.
“I know, I’m just afraid things will end the way they did with her. She died Gerard. She overdosed. You can’t ever put me through that again, you hear me?” I said firmly. I looked up at him to see a guilty expression.
“Have you ever done cocaine?” he asked me. I furrowed my eyebrows at the random question.
“Yeah once, but it wasn’t exactly my idea.” I said, trying to be careful about the way I worded the sentence. Gerard raised his eyebrows and I knew I would have to remember that awful night and explain further.
“I was fifteen, I’d been working at the club for three months. I was giving a client a private dance and I accidentally knocked over his tray of coke and spilled it all over the carpet. He got really, really angry and whipped out this nine millimeter hand gun and put it to the back of my head. He made me snort up like, half a gram off the carpet and kept threatening to blow my brains out of my eyes.” I said, trying not to picture that moment as I spoke.
“Jesus Christ! Did you ever do it again afterwards?” Gerard said, exasperated by my haunting tale.
“Hell no! It made my heart go berserk and I couldn’t sit still. I thought my heart was gonna give out. And then the next morning I was so fucked over. I had chest pains like you wouldn’t believe.” I said, shaking my head. “Please, promise me you’ll never get into hard drugs. It would break my heart, it would kill me.” I added.
“I won’t.” Gerard said thickly. He sounded off, but I just wanted to believe him. I didn’t have it in me to be suspicious. If he was doing hard drugs, I wouldn’t even be able to handle it. It was just so much easier to pretend like everything was perfect and be oblivious.
“Your past reminds me of murky swamp water. I get the jest of what’s in there, but there’s no way to be sure.” Gerard said, rubbing my arm gently with his thumb.
“Well, it isn’t too interesting. It’s just really sad. When I was twelve my dad and sister died in a car wreck. My mom went nuts so I ran away and became a stripper. Then I dropped out of high school and started a band.” I sad with a shrug.
“What was your dad like? And your sister?” he asked, staring at the Joan Jet poster I had tacked to the ceiling of my bunk for good luck.
“My dad was really cool. He was always watching out for me. I was a total daddy’s girl and I still am. He kept me out of trouble all my life, tried to protect me from myself. It was like he could see how much of a problem child I was from the very start. And when he was gone I spun out of control.” I said nostalgically.
“What was his name?” Gerard asked, smiling at my description.
“His name was Franco. And my sister’s name was Lizzette. She was an angel. She looked just like my mom and I look like my dad. We were polar opposites, but we never fought or even argued. I was really protective over her. Kinda how you are with Mikey. I think what bothers me the most is that she died so young. She had so much ahead of her, and she’ll never get to really go out and live.” I said with a sniff. Reminiscing about Izzy always brought me to tears. Gerard gave me a little squeeze.
“Y’know, their buried together. One coffin, right beside the other.” I said, my voice growing a little shrill as I tried feebly not to cry.
“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.” he said sympathetically. I shook my head. I had never expressed these feelings to anybody but Milo and Leah.
“I wanna talk about it. I mean, they were my family. The first people I knew to die…I mean shit, I had never even been to a funeral before.” I said, whipping my eyes again so that my make up wouldn’t smear and smudge. Gerard kissed my head.
“When my grandma passed away I felt really lost. She taught me everything I know about performing and art. I lost my mentor and it took its toll.” Gerard said. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch down.
“That’s how I felt about Leah. She’s the whole reason I can sing and dance.” I added. Gerard nodded; we had a lot in common on this grim subject. As sad as it was, it made me feel a little bit better to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling like this.
“I used to run lyrics by her and she would always ask about what I was so angry at. And I never knew what to say to her.” Gerard said with a small laugh.
“She sounds like a great lady. I wish I could’ve gotten to meet her.” I said fondly. Gerard smiled proudly.
“She was great. I could probably say the same thing about Leah and your dad and your sister.” Gerard said kindly. I couldn’t help but have a proud little smile too.
“I love you. You remind me that I’m a human being and not just a mannequin.” I said, shutting my eyes and holding onto him a little tighter.
“I love you too. Hold onto your humanity. Don’t let the world make your heart bitter.” he said, kissing my head again. I smiled to myself. Gerard’s empathetic nature made me compliment myself when it got way too hard to take. Sometimes I wished I could just thank him for that, but I didn’t know how. One day I would repay him for all the good he’s done me. One day…