Living without you is the worst thing to ever happen to me.
I thought I heard your voice, but I thought wrong. I started to sing with the music, my mind always wondering to you. If only you knew what I was like now. But you'll never know what I'm like. Because you're not there anymore. You're not in the crowd, and you're not on stage with me, where we both know you belong. As I started to sweat from running around the stage singing, a smile on my face, I let silent tears roll down my cheeks, mixing with sweat and makeup. If only you could see me now. We still have fans, Spencer and I. But it's not the same. We miss you, we miss both of you. Why did you leave with him? You could have stayed. You know I would have done anything for you to stay.
And you're gone.
I let you go, I know that was my first mistake. So many more were bound to follow. The drugs, the booze, the mindless chicks that I didn't care for. And you wanna know the funny thing? Spencer isn't doing well either. You took his lover away, you dragged him with you. And Spencer misses him, he comes into my room sometimes at night, crying with fresh wounds on his arms. And it's all because of you.
I'll never understand why you did it. Why you decided to leave and never be there for us again. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts worse than getting beat up at bar fights, it hurts more than getting bloody noses from doing lines of dust, more than the shiny red cuts that cover my legs. And all because of you, I haven't slept in so long. Whenever I find that I finally can't take it and collapse into sleep, do you know what I dream of? I dream of drowning in the ocean. I call your name. Over, and over, and over again. And you never help.
I turn to face Spencer during an instrumental part, staring into his pained blue eyes, and I know that he's thinking the same thing. He's thinking about how you two left. Wondering where we went wrong. When everything went up into flames.
Sometimes when I'm singing, bounding around the stage while getting light headed from all of the lights, I imagine you're there with me, singing along. Just like you used to. Do you do the same thing? When you're in the studio with your hipster friends? Do you even remember what I look like? Do you remember my old personality, the person you used to love? Because I'm sure that if we met again, you wouldn't be able to recognize me. To much has changed.
All because you're gone.
We continued the show, steady tears streaming down my face while I kept my voice steady, singing the songs I wrote for you. A despreate plea for you to stay. But you didn't stay, you left. And now all I am is entrainment for others. Waiting as they pull my strings and tell me what to say and do. That's all Spencer and I are.
We're just pretty faces, pictured perfect.
Do you think you would be able to guess what hides behind our smiles when were on stage? When all of those lights are pouring down on us, when I'm singing my heart out every night, just to go to bed alone feeling cold and hollow. You wouldn't notice if you saw me, I've always been able to shield the truth from you. Even if I never truly did. I didn't want to. I wanted you to know everything, and now, now I miss you. And you don't care.
I remember the day you said you were leaving with him, to form your own band. It broke my heart, and I called you so many times to try and change your mind. But your heart was set, and you no longer cared. You ignored everything, and after a few months, I gave up. Spencer tried to, only his boy answered. He still loves Spencer you know, you're the one keeping them apart.
You're the one keeping us apart.
So why? When we were so perfect, and happy? What did I do to push you away?
The stage is suffocating me, the screams deafening me, my loneliness eating my insides, my nose bleeding from the dust, my voice dying from all of the singing, my fingers blistering from the keys of the piano I'm playing, my eyes burning from the light, and my tears are drowning me.
But you're not here anymore, so I'm starting to wonder why I even try.