Categories > Original > Romance
The Seventh Lesson (completed)
0 reviewsWe shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time. (By T S Eliot)
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The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 1/5)
'How happy it must be to be a kite, soaring in the sky, seeing everything.'
'How do you know how a kite feels? You've never been one.'
'You've never been one either. How do you know it doesn't feel happy?'
Crown Prince Tsubasa was loss for words. So, he kept quiet. Besides, he knew when to pick his battles. It was Takki’s 16th birthday today. It was enough to know that Takki was never a kite and never will be. Because Takki was his.
Takki picked up the estranged kite and stroke it to ease out its creases. Battered by the wind and bruised by the fall, it was in a pretty bad shape, a wretched little thing. Takki wished he was it.
.............
Little Tsubasa wondered what made him do it. He wasn't a cruel boy so why did he do such a cruel thing?
Tsubasa's mother, the Empress, had time and again warned him of his dangerous half-brother. The cursed creature was a rival and a threat. Despite the scheming and shrewd Empress's success at keeping many unwanted pregnancies at bay and preventing male heirs from celebrating their first birthdays, one survived. The mother, a favourite concubine, died at childbirth. Why didn't the baby as well? The baby was a jinx, her jinx.
Under her persuasive influence, it didn't take long for the superstitious Emperor to believe that the baby was his jinx too. The little one was soon banished into a secluded corner in the vast palace. In spite of the cold treatment, the Emperor assigned only his most trusted servants to look after his only other surviving heir. However, he also promised the insecure Empress that the little boy would never know of his identity.
'Mother warned me about him. He was supposed to be an ugly little thing, hideous even,' Tsubasa thought. 'Why did he look so...'
It was only a short and secret visit to satisfy his curiosity. At the end of it, the little Crown Prince still didn't know why he forced a mask on that little boy, a boy not much younger than him, his half-brother.
............
Takki laid in bed and gazed at the kite beside him as Tsubasa necked him. His birthday present, a new mask, laid on it, as if a weight to pin down the longing to be free. He had many masks. Every year on a particular day, he would receive a new one from Tsubasa. After he first saw his only friend, when they were no more than 10, he was ordered to wear one, everyday for the rest of his life. He was allowed to take it off only in front of him. Takki didn't mind being hidden behind a mask all day, but he minded not having a choice.
Initially, he rebelled. What did he do wrong? What was his crime? Why? Why him? Tsubasa offered no answer, only the hot lashes from a cold leather whip. The scars were still evident on his back today. Who would have thought that little boy no bigger than him was capable of such cruelty. As he grew up, the scars stretched and grew too. At 10, he was over the moon when he saw another little boy. He had thought he was the only one in the world. Everyone around him were much older, their faces almost covered in long beards. At long last, he thought he had found a friend. But he found a fiend instead.
Over the years, this fiend masked not only him, but his companions as well.
............
'Are you asleep?'
Takki didn't answer. He was exhausted. They had a field day. They had been playing cuju all day. 13-year-old Tsubasa had many interests but couldn't quite keep to anyone of them. The only thing he showed consistency in was his daily afternoon visits. Often, Takki wondered if the visits were nothing more than a habit or did the other boy genuinely enjoy his company. Every afternoon, they would spend an hour or two with the spolit Crown Prince's latest obsession, whether it was archery, painting, calligraphy or playing the pipa.
That afternoon, Tsubasa was so tired that he insisted that Takki joined him in a nap.
‘Takki?’
There was still no answer from his bed mate. So Tsubasa moved closer to the motionless back in front of him. When he was so close that that he could feel Takki’s warmth on his silk garments and smell the jasmine scent from his long hair, Takki could feel his breath still.
When Tsubasa sashayed his fingers through the soft, web-like strands to expose the creamy, sun-sheltered nape, then kissed and licked it, and nimbled on the reddening earlobe, Takki could feel his heart pound.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, everything stopped.
Then came a soft, whispered plea.
‘Takki, please wake up! Wake up and tell me to stop.’
Takki neither got up nor stopped him but it didn’t matter. Tsubasa had already removed himself from the bed and was dressing to leave. He was about to bundle his hair into a neat bun when he heard it.
‘Stop.’
‘Stop?’
‘Don’t go.’
…………..
‘Aren’t you ashamed?’
‘Ashamed? Why?’
Tsubasa surveyed the pale, naked boy pinned under him, so angelic, so pure and innocent, untouched by the world. Takki didn’t know that boys weren’t supposed to do this. He didn’t know that brothers weren’t supposed to do this. He didn’t know that they were brothers. He didn’t know anything. Tsubasa prayed that he would never know anything.
…………
Their first night together was unforgettable, in so many ways. Takki felt for the first time in his short life that he wasn’t alone. When Tsubasa came deep in him, it felt like they had merged into one. When those lanky limbs wrapped him tight, it felt like he mattered. When he saw his reflection in those gentle eyes, it felt like he really existed.
Perhaps every pleasure came at a price.
The next morning, Takki found himself waking to a land of masks. He was no longer the only one punished with a masked face, his servants, tutors, attendants too.
‘What did I do wrong? What’s my crime? Why? Why me?’
………….
‘Where you going?’
‘There’s no point if you’re not into it.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Tsubasa ignored the insincere apology and dressed himself.
‘It’s your 16th birthday and I’ve learnt some new moves to share with you. But apparently your heart’s somewhere else.’
‘Where else could it be? I only have here and you.’
The words stung. It was true that Takki was a prisoner. But Tsubasa had always hoped he was a happy one.
To distract from the guilt, Tsubasa half-heartedly tried a little calligraphy.
‘What you writing?’
‘Maybe a poem for you, if you’re good.’
‘Write it here.’
Takki strut in all his naked glory up to Tsubasa, pulled up the latter’s spare hand and slid it down his bare torso.
‘Write it on me.’
It was pointless to pretend, Tsubasa knew full well he was defenseless against a naked Takki. Nonetheless, he wanted payback.
‘Only if you say “I love you” with every piece of garment you remove.’
‘I love you? Love? What's "love"?’
Looking into the honestly bewildered eyes, Tsubasa knew that Takki wasn’t lying.
‘That’s how you feel about me.’
Takki didn’t know what he really felt about Tsubasa. He wanted to hold him close yet at the same time he feared him. Is that love? Is love confusion?
‘And say it like you mean it.’
It was absurd. Tsubasa knew it too. How was Takki to mean something he didn’t know? But he wanted to hear it, even if it was a lie.
Takki did as he was told, like always. But this time, it wasn't out of fear or resignation. He wanted Tsubasa to be happy. He wanted to see his lips curl into smile. He wanted to smell the perfumed oil on his hair. He wanted hear him moan his name in lust. He wanted to taste his sweat and cum. He wanted to feel their hearts beat as one.
Because tomorrow everything would disappear….
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 2/5)
A kite, not just any kite, that fallen one. Tsubasa dreamt of that kite, flying free and high above everything, beyond reach, untouchable. It was a bizarre dream because when he woke, the kite was still lying next to the teak bedside table. But Takki was gone. For the first time since they slept together when they were 13, Takki wasn't there. Tsubasa was all alone.
…………
‘Wake up! Hey, wake up!’
Takki blinked, massage his eyes and gawked at the stranger before him.
‘What? Never seen a stud before?’
Takki didn’t know what a stud was and could only gape on blankly.
‘Forget it. What you doing lying there? I nearly pissed on you.’
Takki looked around. He was lying among the scrubs and bushes. He must have gotten so tired that he simply fell asleep running. After he escaped through the tunnel he had painstaking dug over the years, he was finally free. Instincts quickly overcame him and he just kept running, running aimlessly in the dark.
‘Where am I?’
‘You’re in the woods.’
‘Are you lost?’
‘Lost? I don’t know.’
‘You don’t even know if you’re lost? Now that’s a winner.’
Takki wasn’t impressed with the smirk or careless mannerism. He was beginning to like the stranger less and less.
Grabbing Takki’s arms, the stranger pulled him to his feet.
‘I’m Akanishi Jin.’
‘I’m Takizawa Hideaki.’
Jin furrowed his brows a little. The surname was vaguely familiar. He thought he had a cousin by that family name who was sent to the palace years back.
The two men walked a little away from the open-air toilet and rested under the shelter of lush bamboo groves.
‘Where’re you going?’
‘I don’t know.’
Now that he was finally out of the lonely palace grounds and tall guarded walls, Takki didn’t quite know what to do. His tutors had refused to divulge their whereabouts or teach him much about life outside the walls.
Jin looked on concerned at the increasingly petrified darkness clouding Takki’s face. He wouldn’t know what to do if Takki cried.
‘You’re not alone. I don’t where I’m going either. You see, I’m lost too.’
A family tragedy had left him unable to paint anymore. Lost in pain, he became a black hole, pulling everyone in.
‘I think I’ve lost myself. That’s why I’ve set off on this journey.’
’To find yourself?’
‘Yes. To find the one who could paint smiles on people’s faces.’
‘Do you think you’ll find it?’
‘I don’t know. But I want to try. Rather than stay put and let self-pity swallow me whole. I want to fight.’
Takki smiled faintly.
‘Do you know that a bird would freeze to death and fall off a branch without ever feeling pity for itself?’
‘I don’t know. But I’d like to believe so.’
After a brief chat over a simple breakfast of cold buns, Takki set off on his journey to nowhere, while Jin chose to stay and paint a little.
Takki didn’t know if Jin would find himself in the end. But he believed so. After all, he already knew what he wanted.
‘But what do I want?’
Takki pondered, hoping that along this journey, he too could know what he was looking for and find it.
…………
The hustle and bustle of town assaulted Takki’s senses. He was overwhelmed with excitement. There was wonder at every turn, so much to see and explore. He felt like a child again. During the day, he was fascinated by all the amusement the world had to offer. But by nightfall, alone in his room in the finest inn in town, he was awashed with loneliness. He wondered if he was as badly missed as he was badly missing. After years of careful planning and plotting, he was finally free but now all he longed for was something to weigh down his adrift heart.
Meandering along on his journey, Takki stopped by a huge lake to rest his ill-adjusted legs. The water soothed his troubled heart and calmed his restless soul a little. He was surprised that he could feel lonely surrounded by throngs of people and yet be at peace alone by the water.
The peace lasted but briefly. Nearby, a young man was creating a ruckus.
‘I’m sorry. Am I disturbing you?’
Takki shook his head. Lately, he had been doing so much head shaking that it was almost second nature. There were so many experiences that he was unacquainted with. Everything was new and alien. He was both enticed yet fearful. How was he to survive in a world he had no map for?
‘I’m Nishikido Ryo. I’m practicing a speech. Would you mind listening to it?’
Takki agreed readily. He had never heard a speech before.
Ryo was a politician wannabe and would be delivering a speech to the Crown Prince himself in the final selection for the Youth Ministry wing of the government.
‘Pretty bad, isn’t it?’
Takki didn’t answer. The jerky delivery and evident stammers spoke for themselves.
‘Sometimes I think I’m just not cut out to be a politician. I’m shy and not very good with people.’
Takki could instinctively tell that Ryo was uncomfortable. He hadn’t stopped fidgeting with the scroll in his hands.
‘I know it’s silly. But it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want to serve the people, make their lives better.’
With that impassioned sharing, Takki could see Ryo’s hands tremble. He reached out and steadied the shaking scroll.
‘Will you listen to me again? This time it’ll be better.’
Takki nodded happily. There weren’t many things he could nod to and he was happy that this was one of them. It awed him that someone could try so hard at overcoming their weakness. It made him respect Ryo. Maybe he too should try harder. Stop thinking of crawling back to the safety of all that was familiar and try harder at finding out what he truly wanted.
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 3/5)
A gentle breeze beckoned and the leaves of the willow trees answered. They danced a weightless flighty dance, inviting all to sway and drift with them. Where he came from, there were willow trees too. But here they seemed greener and lighter and airier. As breathtaking as they were, Takki realised that something was missing – laughter. Tsubasa’s laughter.
There were many interesting people that he met on this journey. But none quite like Tsubasa. Two of his latest friends even taught him valuable lessons. Jin, the painter, taught him that to get what he wanted, he had to first know what it was. Ryo, the politician wannabe, taught him about being a better man.
Takki mulled over what more lessons were there to learn in life. He was getting confused. It seemed that the more he learned, the more certain he was of his ignorance. The only thing he knew now for sure was that he knew nothing. His tortured and restless mind was turning into tofu when he heard it – faint laughter. Instantly, his thoughts ceased, his heart raced and his feet followed. Tsubasa?
Uncontrollably, Takki found himself frantically drawing apart the long willow curtains in the direction of the laughter, to where a young man with palms outstretched was laughing to himself.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘I’m sorry. Did you say something?’
Takki bowed a little to apologise for disrupting the young man. He might not have learnt much about the world from his teachers. But they were at least strict disciplinarians. To them, good manners were next to godliness.
‘Well, not as pretty as me for sure.’
Takki grew increasing puzzled. The stranger was obviously not speaking to him. But there was no one else.
‘Who are you speaking to?’
‘Do you really what to know?’
For a moment, the young man looked frightful, eyes glaring and fierce, as if possessed by spirits.
‘Yes?’
Takki knew that his resolve was hardly convincing but it certainly didn’t warrant a bent-over laughter. He thought the young man rather rude and lacking in proper social skills.
Ueda, the tickled one, of course disagreed. He explained that being a Buddhist priest he would much rather work on his spiritual skills.
‘The tree spirit says you’re beautiful.’
‘Tree spirit? I‘ve heard of them. But I don’t believe in such things.’
‘Why not?’
‘I can’t see them.’
‘You can’t see the longing in your heart either. Does it mean it’s not real?’
Takki was stunned. Ueda might be able to see spirits. But can he see into the hearts of people too?
‘There’s more to life than you can comprehend. Naturally, because of that it can at times be daunting and out of your control.’
Takki nodded vigourously. Many times he felt like an infant struggling in the middle of the Yangtze River. He could hardly keep afloat and he didn’t know where to swim to.
‘In this short life that only lasts an hour, how much or how little is within our power?’
Priest Ueda smiled indulgently at a musing Takki.
‘Sometimes you just have to learn to let go, accept and go with the flow.’
With an air of enlightenment, the unlikely priest prepared his grand exit.
‘Wait.’
‘Yes?’
‘What does a tree spirit look like?’
‘Well, if you can’t see it, then you’re not pure enough to know.’
With a wink and a wave, the young priest disappeared into the deep of the forest.
…………..
It wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. It wasn’t easy to accept that it was all right not to know anything. Despite that, Takki swallowed. He felt a little better too. Someone understood how he felt. Maybe everyone would feel a little lost sometimes. Maybe he wasn’t the only one swimming in the Yangtze River.
‘Eeeeek!’
A pig?! Takki marveled at the coincidence. He was definitely not the only one swimming. At that very precise moment, a pig was floating by the river right before his eyes. Like him, it was hardly water-friendly. There was no doubt whether it was drowning or waving.
Despite not being the best of swimmers, Takki dog-paddled awkwardly towards the squealing animal and rescued it.
‘Thank you so much!’
A young pig farmer hurriedly hauled him up the bank.
‘This little pig is always trying to run away. Only just yesterday it tried to run away. Thankfully, a young politician passing by found it and returned it to me. Now who says politicians are all lying, cheating scumbags.’
Takki couldn’t help but wonder if his friend Ryo was that honest statesman. The world might be a smaller place than he had imagined.
‘Aren’t you lucky? But of course you are! You’re my pig. You are Lucky Pi’s pig!’
Chatty Pig Farmer Pi went on to share his little pig’s many great but unsuccessful escapes. Takki liked his new friend instantly. Pi had a bright and generous smile and held his hand warmly as they rode side by side, on a rickety horse cart, into the sunset.
‘Why don’t you chain it up?’
The little creature, sleeping snuggly on Takki's lap, jerked a little.
‘But that’s sad. You know what? Sometimes I think I don’t bother because I believe that I’ll have it back anyway. It’s mine so it’ll come back for sure.’
Takki looked affectionately at the smiley happy-go-lucky pig farmer. He wanted some of that faith too. He could do with some faith. He just wasn’t unsure if he needed more faith for where he was going or who he was leaving behind.
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 4/5)
Time flew and Takki had fun. It was the first time he stayed anywhere for a length of time. He was always travelling and searching. But it seemed his heart had finally settled. What could possibly have tamed it? Was it the vast countryside, the welcoming company, or the smile that lifted his heart?
Pi, his pig farmer friend wasn’t the only one who made Takki feel at home. His family was equally thrilled at having him. Pi’s mother treated him like a second son and pampered him to bits. When Takki sat beside her and accompanied her as she cooked, she never once allowed him to lift a finger to help. She would cook the dishes he liked and would stash the best bits of food for him. Despite her blatant favoritism, Pi was far from offended. He even happily jumped onto the bandwagon. Meals at the table were often a contest of who could pile more food onto Takki’s rice bowl.
Takki couldn’t be happier. At long last, he felt like he belonged. He had a ‘mother’ who doted on him, a ‘brother’ who adored him and pig friends who worshiped him so much that they followed him around.
When Pi worked in the farm, Takki would often tag along. Although he was strictly forbidden to help, he was allowed to play his flute to entertain the pigs. Takki thought his presence on the farm rather trivial but Pi insisted that his playing of the flute was instrumental in the pigs growing bigger and tasting better. Even Little Runaway Piggy had stopped running away. It had taken up a new interest – stalking Takki.
Before Takki realized, he had spent the turn of a season with Pi. The green leaves above his head had turned red and the red leaves had turned brown. As the season got colder, Pi got closer. Often, he would snuggle up to Takki when they took their afternoon break. As Takki drank his oolong tea, Pi would sometimes lay his curly head on his droopy shoulders or on his cross-legged lap. It was times like this Takki wanted so badly to stroke that thick inviting mane and those glowing bronze cheeks. But he didn’t. If he did, he would remember.
And remember he did. With Pi’s ever increasing tenderness, from the not-so-accidental touches to the tell-tale longing gazes, Takki remembered.
‘What are you looking at?’
Pi wrapped his arms lovingly around Takki. His best friend had recently been quieter than usual and it was beginning to worry him.
‘The wind. I think it’s calling me, calling out to me.’
For some reason, hearing those words, Pi’s heart fell and his arms slipped.
Tsubasa once said that he loved the wind. To him, wind was air saying ‘I love you.’
At that instant, Takki was suddenly overwhelmed with an urge to share that thought and say those words. They made Tsubasa happy. Would they make Pi happy too? But he didn’t utter those precious words. He couldn’t.
……………
Like the leaves tossing by in the wind before him, Takki’s blissful and carefree summer dream was over. He was once again on the road, without a home, on a journey to where the wind blew.
The wind didn’t have to blow far for Takki to meet his next friend.
‘Hit me! Just hit me! Do something! Anything!’
Takki looked on flabbergasted. Why would anyone want to be hit? He waited patiently until the retreating figure had almost disappeared before approaching the shouting man.
‘Why do you want to be hit?’
Kame was startled by the unexpected question.
‘Because I’ve hurt him, him and his family.’
It turned out that Kame used to be a famous prophesier. People came far and wide for his advice. He soon became arrogant and it angered the Gods.
‘After I lost my powers, I continued dispensing prophecies, pretending to still be endowed with the gift. He and his family are just one of my many victims.’
Kame wanted to come clean. But he had too much to lose, not just fame and fortune but his identity and self-worth as well. What was he if not Kame, The Prophesier?
‘Ultimately, I came clean. But it was too late for some. The damage was already done.’
‘Then why did you do it, come clean?’
‘It took a lot of soul-searching and courage. Maybe it was guilt? Maybe it was my ego refusing to be defined by my gift? Am I nothing without my gift? Surely I'm more than just a prophesier.’
Takki nodded. To him, Kame was more than a former prophesier. He was a proud and confident warrior.
Stirred by Kame’s self-belief, Takki was now anticipating the journey ahead. Maybe, along the way, he would discover what it was that defined him.
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 5/5)
All was serene and calm. Perhaps it was the proximity to the temple that brought about such tranquility. Takki was slowly sipping his piping hot chrysanthemum tea when he was interrupted by an impromptu poem.
闲梦远 My idle dreams roam far,
南国正芳春 To the southern land where spring is fragrant.
船上管弦江面渌 Wind and strings play on a boat on the river's clear surface,
满城飞絮滚轻尘 The city is full of catkins flying like light dust.
忙杀看花人 People are occupied admiring the flowers.
闲梦远 My idle dreams roam far,
南国正清秋 To the southern land where autumn is clear.
千里江山寒色远 For a thousand li over rivers and hills cold colours stretch far,
芦花深处泊孤舟 Deep in flowering reeds, a solitary boat is moored.
笛在月明楼 Beneath the bright moon, a flute plays in the tower.
The tea stall’s only other customer, a young gentlemen with a perpetual smile and an awkward limp, was the composer.
‘Are you a traveller too?’
Takki was always excited to meet fellow travelers. They often told interesting stories.
‘No, unfortunately. I’m very much local. But I would love to travel.’
‘Then why don’t you?’
The smile dimmed a little.
‘I’ve my father to look after.’
Junno, a young poet, had hoped to make a name for himself in the capital. But family circumstances weighed him down.
‘My father recently remarried, against the advice of a prophesier. It was said that my birth sign clashed with his new wife’s. And as predicted, my stepmother died shortly after the marriage. My father was so guilt-ridden that he fell ill soon after.’
Takki was surprised that the young man’s smile hid such a tragedy.
‘Are you the only one in the family?’
‘I've a step-brother, or used to. He left, after… an incident.’
Junno didn’t explain further, he only looked at his limp.
His step-sibling became understandably depressed at the passing of his beloved mother. But the depression soon turned violent. One day, he beat Junno so bad that his younger brother would never walk normally again.
‘My brother, Jin, is a painter. Before the death, he would paint lavish paintings of mountains and I would write the accompanying poems. We were a team.’
Knitting his brow, Takki was momentarily distracted by the name ‘Jin’. It sounded rather familiar.
‘Do you hate your brother?’
Junno’s face clouded.
‘At first I accepted it – my leg for his mother’s life. But an ironic thing happened. One day, the prophesier came to our door. He kowtowed and begged for forgiveness. He said it was a lie, his prophecy was a lie. My leg... it was all for nothing!’
Takki had wanted to ask if the prophesier was Kame, his earlier friend. But seeing the agitated Junno, Takki fell silent. Somehow he felt vaguely responsible that a friend of his was the root of such grave injustice.
‘Sometimes I wished I never knew. Then I wouldn’t be habouring this hatred. If only the prophesier wasn’t so selfish. He took cared of his guilt. But what about my burden?’
For Junno, the pain didn’t end there. His father insisted that he went to the temple everyday to pray for Jin’s safe return. It was an instruction Junno adhered to religiously.
‘Why do you do it?’
‘For my father. It would ease his heart to know that deities are protecting his distant stepson.’
‘What about your pain?’
‘My pain? Everyday I come here out of obligation, out of a sense of duty. But one day… I hope I can let go of all this hurt inside, and pray sincerely with all my heart. One day, I hope to do it out of love.’
‘Love?’
‘Yes. Love. They say it conquers all. I certainly hope so.’
Amazed at Junno’s selflessness and desire to transcend above his suffering, Takki looked on the young man with deep respect. He too hoped that love would be the answer for Junno.
With the south wind blowing, Takki watched the cloud pass from Junno’s face and heaved a soft sigh of relief.
Reflecting on the numerous friends and lessons along the way, Takki asked himself.
‘Is love the answer for me too?’
Much had been learnt since he answered the call of his wanderlust, but perhaps the most important lesson still eluded him. If the main purpose of life was to learn how to love and be loved, then Takki still had along way to go.
………….
秋风清 The autumn air is clear,
秋月明 The autumn moon is bright.
落叶聚还散 Fallen leaves gather and scatter,
寒鸦栖复惊 Trembling crows perch and startle
相思相见知何日 I don‘t know when we’ll meet again.
此时此夜难为情 Tonight, this moment is unbearable.
In a hushed voice, Takki recited the poem, one of the many, lying on the zitan table.
入我相思门 If you enter my gate of longing,
知我相思苦 You would understand the pain of my longing.
长相思兮长相忆 Long yearning recalls long memories.
短相思兮无尽极 Short yearning has no end.
早知如此绊人心 If I knew my thoughts of you would be so tangled,
何如当初莫相识 Wouldn‘t it be better if we had never been acquainted?
何如当初莫相识 Might as well we had never been acquainted.
Takki knew that he would be missed. After all, he missed too. But he didn’t expect it to be so long and deep.
…………..
Crown Prince Tsubasa sobbed controllably. Pressing both palms firmly to his nose and mouth, he hushed his wails. The sight before him consumed him with a concoction of shock, disbelief, relief and incredible joy. Takki was sleeping curled up like a baby next to him. If this was a dream, he didn’t want to wake up.
He knew what awaited him at daybreak - a half-life. He didn’t want to spend another waking moment in that room that reeked of emptiness, a room that he had wrecked and burnt down, yet rebuilt. It looked like how it used to be. But there was no trace of Takki anymore. They had all been burnt away. If only he could burn his memories away too. But he couldn’t and he couldn’t bear to. Piercingly painful as they were, they were all he had. If he didn’t even have those memories, he would have nothing.
The torrent of tears might have blurred his vision, but he felt it acutely. The sleeping figure was now awake, wiping and kissing away his tears.
It felt like forever since Takki last kissed Tsubasa. And it was the first time he tasted his tears. He savoured it carefully to ingrain that taste into his memory, like how he could still distinctly recall the taste of the other boy’s sweat and cum.
Comforting the weeping boy, Takki cradled the pretty face into his bosom. Gradually, the soft whimpers were slowly being drowned out by the howling winds outside.
‘Could it be this simple?’
Takki asked himself as he stroked the head of soft silken strands.
‘Could this be the meaning of my life?’
That notion astonished Takki. It seemed he had left on a long and winding journey of discovery only to return to where he had started and know the place for the first time.
End. More at http://avery-averette.livejournal.com. Enjoy!
'How happy it must be to be a kite, soaring in the sky, seeing everything.'
'How do you know how a kite feels? You've never been one.'
'You've never been one either. How do you know it doesn't feel happy?'
Crown Prince Tsubasa was loss for words. So, he kept quiet. Besides, he knew when to pick his battles. It was Takki’s 16th birthday today. It was enough to know that Takki was never a kite and never will be. Because Takki was his.
Takki picked up the estranged kite and stroke it to ease out its creases. Battered by the wind and bruised by the fall, it was in a pretty bad shape, a wretched little thing. Takki wished he was it.
.............
Little Tsubasa wondered what made him do it. He wasn't a cruel boy so why did he do such a cruel thing?
Tsubasa's mother, the Empress, had time and again warned him of his dangerous half-brother. The cursed creature was a rival and a threat. Despite the scheming and shrewd Empress's success at keeping many unwanted pregnancies at bay and preventing male heirs from celebrating their first birthdays, one survived. The mother, a favourite concubine, died at childbirth. Why didn't the baby as well? The baby was a jinx, her jinx.
Under her persuasive influence, it didn't take long for the superstitious Emperor to believe that the baby was his jinx too. The little one was soon banished into a secluded corner in the vast palace. In spite of the cold treatment, the Emperor assigned only his most trusted servants to look after his only other surviving heir. However, he also promised the insecure Empress that the little boy would never know of his identity.
'Mother warned me about him. He was supposed to be an ugly little thing, hideous even,' Tsubasa thought. 'Why did he look so...'
It was only a short and secret visit to satisfy his curiosity. At the end of it, the little Crown Prince still didn't know why he forced a mask on that little boy, a boy not much younger than him, his half-brother.
............
Takki laid in bed and gazed at the kite beside him as Tsubasa necked him. His birthday present, a new mask, laid on it, as if a weight to pin down the longing to be free. He had many masks. Every year on a particular day, he would receive a new one from Tsubasa. After he first saw his only friend, when they were no more than 10, he was ordered to wear one, everyday for the rest of his life. He was allowed to take it off only in front of him. Takki didn't mind being hidden behind a mask all day, but he minded not having a choice.
Initially, he rebelled. What did he do wrong? What was his crime? Why? Why him? Tsubasa offered no answer, only the hot lashes from a cold leather whip. The scars were still evident on his back today. Who would have thought that little boy no bigger than him was capable of such cruelty. As he grew up, the scars stretched and grew too. At 10, he was over the moon when he saw another little boy. He had thought he was the only one in the world. Everyone around him were much older, their faces almost covered in long beards. At long last, he thought he had found a friend. But he found a fiend instead.
Over the years, this fiend masked not only him, but his companions as well.
............
'Are you asleep?'
Takki didn't answer. He was exhausted. They had a field day. They had been playing cuju all day. 13-year-old Tsubasa had many interests but couldn't quite keep to anyone of them. The only thing he showed consistency in was his daily afternoon visits. Often, Takki wondered if the visits were nothing more than a habit or did the other boy genuinely enjoy his company. Every afternoon, they would spend an hour or two with the spolit Crown Prince's latest obsession, whether it was archery, painting, calligraphy or playing the pipa.
That afternoon, Tsubasa was so tired that he insisted that Takki joined him in a nap.
‘Takki?’
There was still no answer from his bed mate. So Tsubasa moved closer to the motionless back in front of him. When he was so close that that he could feel Takki’s warmth on his silk garments and smell the jasmine scent from his long hair, Takki could feel his breath still.
When Tsubasa sashayed his fingers through the soft, web-like strands to expose the creamy, sun-sheltered nape, then kissed and licked it, and nimbled on the reddening earlobe, Takki could feel his heart pound.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, everything stopped.
Then came a soft, whispered plea.
‘Takki, please wake up! Wake up and tell me to stop.’
Takki neither got up nor stopped him but it didn’t matter. Tsubasa had already removed himself from the bed and was dressing to leave. He was about to bundle his hair into a neat bun when he heard it.
‘Stop.’
‘Stop?’
‘Don’t go.’
…………..
‘Aren’t you ashamed?’
‘Ashamed? Why?’
Tsubasa surveyed the pale, naked boy pinned under him, so angelic, so pure and innocent, untouched by the world. Takki didn’t know that boys weren’t supposed to do this. He didn’t know that brothers weren’t supposed to do this. He didn’t know that they were brothers. He didn’t know anything. Tsubasa prayed that he would never know anything.
…………
Their first night together was unforgettable, in so many ways. Takki felt for the first time in his short life that he wasn’t alone. When Tsubasa came deep in him, it felt like they had merged into one. When those lanky limbs wrapped him tight, it felt like he mattered. When he saw his reflection in those gentle eyes, it felt like he really existed.
Perhaps every pleasure came at a price.
The next morning, Takki found himself waking to a land of masks. He was no longer the only one punished with a masked face, his servants, tutors, attendants too.
‘What did I do wrong? What’s my crime? Why? Why me?’
………….
‘Where you going?’
‘There’s no point if you’re not into it.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Tsubasa ignored the insincere apology and dressed himself.
‘It’s your 16th birthday and I’ve learnt some new moves to share with you. But apparently your heart’s somewhere else.’
‘Where else could it be? I only have here and you.’
The words stung. It was true that Takki was a prisoner. But Tsubasa had always hoped he was a happy one.
To distract from the guilt, Tsubasa half-heartedly tried a little calligraphy.
‘What you writing?’
‘Maybe a poem for you, if you’re good.’
‘Write it here.’
Takki strut in all his naked glory up to Tsubasa, pulled up the latter’s spare hand and slid it down his bare torso.
‘Write it on me.’
It was pointless to pretend, Tsubasa knew full well he was defenseless against a naked Takki. Nonetheless, he wanted payback.
‘Only if you say “I love you” with every piece of garment you remove.’
‘I love you? Love? What's "love"?’
Looking into the honestly bewildered eyes, Tsubasa knew that Takki wasn’t lying.
‘That’s how you feel about me.’
Takki didn’t know what he really felt about Tsubasa. He wanted to hold him close yet at the same time he feared him. Is that love? Is love confusion?
‘And say it like you mean it.’
It was absurd. Tsubasa knew it too. How was Takki to mean something he didn’t know? But he wanted to hear it, even if it was a lie.
Takki did as he was told, like always. But this time, it wasn't out of fear or resignation. He wanted Tsubasa to be happy. He wanted to see his lips curl into smile. He wanted to smell the perfumed oil on his hair. He wanted hear him moan his name in lust. He wanted to taste his sweat and cum. He wanted to feel their hearts beat as one.
Because tomorrow everything would disappear….
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 2/5)
A kite, not just any kite, that fallen one. Tsubasa dreamt of that kite, flying free and high above everything, beyond reach, untouchable. It was a bizarre dream because when he woke, the kite was still lying next to the teak bedside table. But Takki was gone. For the first time since they slept together when they were 13, Takki wasn't there. Tsubasa was all alone.
…………
‘Wake up! Hey, wake up!’
Takki blinked, massage his eyes and gawked at the stranger before him.
‘What? Never seen a stud before?’
Takki didn’t know what a stud was and could only gape on blankly.
‘Forget it. What you doing lying there? I nearly pissed on you.’
Takki looked around. He was lying among the scrubs and bushes. He must have gotten so tired that he simply fell asleep running. After he escaped through the tunnel he had painstaking dug over the years, he was finally free. Instincts quickly overcame him and he just kept running, running aimlessly in the dark.
‘Where am I?’
‘You’re in the woods.’
‘Are you lost?’
‘Lost? I don’t know.’
‘You don’t even know if you’re lost? Now that’s a winner.’
Takki wasn’t impressed with the smirk or careless mannerism. He was beginning to like the stranger less and less.
Grabbing Takki’s arms, the stranger pulled him to his feet.
‘I’m Akanishi Jin.’
‘I’m Takizawa Hideaki.’
Jin furrowed his brows a little. The surname was vaguely familiar. He thought he had a cousin by that family name who was sent to the palace years back.
The two men walked a little away from the open-air toilet and rested under the shelter of lush bamboo groves.
‘Where’re you going?’
‘I don’t know.’
Now that he was finally out of the lonely palace grounds and tall guarded walls, Takki didn’t quite know what to do. His tutors had refused to divulge their whereabouts or teach him much about life outside the walls.
Jin looked on concerned at the increasingly petrified darkness clouding Takki’s face. He wouldn’t know what to do if Takki cried.
‘You’re not alone. I don’t where I’m going either. You see, I’m lost too.’
A family tragedy had left him unable to paint anymore. Lost in pain, he became a black hole, pulling everyone in.
‘I think I’ve lost myself. That’s why I’ve set off on this journey.’
’To find yourself?’
‘Yes. To find the one who could paint smiles on people’s faces.’
‘Do you think you’ll find it?’
‘I don’t know. But I want to try. Rather than stay put and let self-pity swallow me whole. I want to fight.’
Takki smiled faintly.
‘Do you know that a bird would freeze to death and fall off a branch without ever feeling pity for itself?’
‘I don’t know. But I’d like to believe so.’
After a brief chat over a simple breakfast of cold buns, Takki set off on his journey to nowhere, while Jin chose to stay and paint a little.
Takki didn’t know if Jin would find himself in the end. But he believed so. After all, he already knew what he wanted.
‘But what do I want?’
Takki pondered, hoping that along this journey, he too could know what he was looking for and find it.
…………
The hustle and bustle of town assaulted Takki’s senses. He was overwhelmed with excitement. There was wonder at every turn, so much to see and explore. He felt like a child again. During the day, he was fascinated by all the amusement the world had to offer. But by nightfall, alone in his room in the finest inn in town, he was awashed with loneliness. He wondered if he was as badly missed as he was badly missing. After years of careful planning and plotting, he was finally free but now all he longed for was something to weigh down his adrift heart.
Meandering along on his journey, Takki stopped by a huge lake to rest his ill-adjusted legs. The water soothed his troubled heart and calmed his restless soul a little. He was surprised that he could feel lonely surrounded by throngs of people and yet be at peace alone by the water.
The peace lasted but briefly. Nearby, a young man was creating a ruckus.
‘I’m sorry. Am I disturbing you?’
Takki shook his head. Lately, he had been doing so much head shaking that it was almost second nature. There were so many experiences that he was unacquainted with. Everything was new and alien. He was both enticed yet fearful. How was he to survive in a world he had no map for?
‘I’m Nishikido Ryo. I’m practicing a speech. Would you mind listening to it?’
Takki agreed readily. He had never heard a speech before.
Ryo was a politician wannabe and would be delivering a speech to the Crown Prince himself in the final selection for the Youth Ministry wing of the government.
‘Pretty bad, isn’t it?’
Takki didn’t answer. The jerky delivery and evident stammers spoke for themselves.
‘Sometimes I think I’m just not cut out to be a politician. I’m shy and not very good with people.’
Takki could instinctively tell that Ryo was uncomfortable. He hadn’t stopped fidgeting with the scroll in his hands.
‘I know it’s silly. But it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want to serve the people, make their lives better.’
With that impassioned sharing, Takki could see Ryo’s hands tremble. He reached out and steadied the shaking scroll.
‘Will you listen to me again? This time it’ll be better.’
Takki nodded happily. There weren’t many things he could nod to and he was happy that this was one of them. It awed him that someone could try so hard at overcoming their weakness. It made him respect Ryo. Maybe he too should try harder. Stop thinking of crawling back to the safety of all that was familiar and try harder at finding out what he truly wanted.
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 3/5)
A gentle breeze beckoned and the leaves of the willow trees answered. They danced a weightless flighty dance, inviting all to sway and drift with them. Where he came from, there were willow trees too. But here they seemed greener and lighter and airier. As breathtaking as they were, Takki realised that something was missing – laughter. Tsubasa’s laughter.
There were many interesting people that he met on this journey. But none quite like Tsubasa. Two of his latest friends even taught him valuable lessons. Jin, the painter, taught him that to get what he wanted, he had to first know what it was. Ryo, the politician wannabe, taught him about being a better man.
Takki mulled over what more lessons were there to learn in life. He was getting confused. It seemed that the more he learned, the more certain he was of his ignorance. The only thing he knew now for sure was that he knew nothing. His tortured and restless mind was turning into tofu when he heard it – faint laughter. Instantly, his thoughts ceased, his heart raced and his feet followed. Tsubasa?
Uncontrollably, Takki found himself frantically drawing apart the long willow curtains in the direction of the laughter, to where a young man with palms outstretched was laughing to himself.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘I’m sorry. Did you say something?’
Takki bowed a little to apologise for disrupting the young man. He might not have learnt much about the world from his teachers. But they were at least strict disciplinarians. To them, good manners were next to godliness.
‘Well, not as pretty as me for sure.’
Takki grew increasing puzzled. The stranger was obviously not speaking to him. But there was no one else.
‘Who are you speaking to?’
‘Do you really what to know?’
For a moment, the young man looked frightful, eyes glaring and fierce, as if possessed by spirits.
‘Yes?’
Takki knew that his resolve was hardly convincing but it certainly didn’t warrant a bent-over laughter. He thought the young man rather rude and lacking in proper social skills.
Ueda, the tickled one, of course disagreed. He explained that being a Buddhist priest he would much rather work on his spiritual skills.
‘The tree spirit says you’re beautiful.’
‘Tree spirit? I‘ve heard of them. But I don’t believe in such things.’
‘Why not?’
‘I can’t see them.’
‘You can’t see the longing in your heart either. Does it mean it’s not real?’
Takki was stunned. Ueda might be able to see spirits. But can he see into the hearts of people too?
‘There’s more to life than you can comprehend. Naturally, because of that it can at times be daunting and out of your control.’
Takki nodded vigourously. Many times he felt like an infant struggling in the middle of the Yangtze River. He could hardly keep afloat and he didn’t know where to swim to.
‘In this short life that only lasts an hour, how much or how little is within our power?’
Priest Ueda smiled indulgently at a musing Takki.
‘Sometimes you just have to learn to let go, accept and go with the flow.’
With an air of enlightenment, the unlikely priest prepared his grand exit.
‘Wait.’
‘Yes?’
‘What does a tree spirit look like?’
‘Well, if you can’t see it, then you’re not pure enough to know.’
With a wink and a wave, the young priest disappeared into the deep of the forest.
…………..
It wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. It wasn’t easy to accept that it was all right not to know anything. Despite that, Takki swallowed. He felt a little better too. Someone understood how he felt. Maybe everyone would feel a little lost sometimes. Maybe he wasn’t the only one swimming in the Yangtze River.
‘Eeeeek!’
A pig?! Takki marveled at the coincidence. He was definitely not the only one swimming. At that very precise moment, a pig was floating by the river right before his eyes. Like him, it was hardly water-friendly. There was no doubt whether it was drowning or waving.
Despite not being the best of swimmers, Takki dog-paddled awkwardly towards the squealing animal and rescued it.
‘Thank you so much!’
A young pig farmer hurriedly hauled him up the bank.
‘This little pig is always trying to run away. Only just yesterday it tried to run away. Thankfully, a young politician passing by found it and returned it to me. Now who says politicians are all lying, cheating scumbags.’
Takki couldn’t help but wonder if his friend Ryo was that honest statesman. The world might be a smaller place than he had imagined.
‘Aren’t you lucky? But of course you are! You’re my pig. You are Lucky Pi’s pig!’
Chatty Pig Farmer Pi went on to share his little pig’s many great but unsuccessful escapes. Takki liked his new friend instantly. Pi had a bright and generous smile and held his hand warmly as they rode side by side, on a rickety horse cart, into the sunset.
‘Why don’t you chain it up?’
The little creature, sleeping snuggly on Takki's lap, jerked a little.
‘But that’s sad. You know what? Sometimes I think I don’t bother because I believe that I’ll have it back anyway. It’s mine so it’ll come back for sure.’
Takki looked affectionately at the smiley happy-go-lucky pig farmer. He wanted some of that faith too. He could do with some faith. He just wasn’t unsure if he needed more faith for where he was going or who he was leaving behind.
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 4/5)
Time flew and Takki had fun. It was the first time he stayed anywhere for a length of time. He was always travelling and searching. But it seemed his heart had finally settled. What could possibly have tamed it? Was it the vast countryside, the welcoming company, or the smile that lifted his heart?
Pi, his pig farmer friend wasn’t the only one who made Takki feel at home. His family was equally thrilled at having him. Pi’s mother treated him like a second son and pampered him to bits. When Takki sat beside her and accompanied her as she cooked, she never once allowed him to lift a finger to help. She would cook the dishes he liked and would stash the best bits of food for him. Despite her blatant favoritism, Pi was far from offended. He even happily jumped onto the bandwagon. Meals at the table were often a contest of who could pile more food onto Takki’s rice bowl.
Takki couldn’t be happier. At long last, he felt like he belonged. He had a ‘mother’ who doted on him, a ‘brother’ who adored him and pig friends who worshiped him so much that they followed him around.
When Pi worked in the farm, Takki would often tag along. Although he was strictly forbidden to help, he was allowed to play his flute to entertain the pigs. Takki thought his presence on the farm rather trivial but Pi insisted that his playing of the flute was instrumental in the pigs growing bigger and tasting better. Even Little Runaway Piggy had stopped running away. It had taken up a new interest – stalking Takki.
Before Takki realized, he had spent the turn of a season with Pi. The green leaves above his head had turned red and the red leaves had turned brown. As the season got colder, Pi got closer. Often, he would snuggle up to Takki when they took their afternoon break. As Takki drank his oolong tea, Pi would sometimes lay his curly head on his droopy shoulders or on his cross-legged lap. It was times like this Takki wanted so badly to stroke that thick inviting mane and those glowing bronze cheeks. But he didn’t. If he did, he would remember.
And remember he did. With Pi’s ever increasing tenderness, from the not-so-accidental touches to the tell-tale longing gazes, Takki remembered.
‘What are you looking at?’
Pi wrapped his arms lovingly around Takki. His best friend had recently been quieter than usual and it was beginning to worry him.
‘The wind. I think it’s calling me, calling out to me.’
For some reason, hearing those words, Pi’s heart fell and his arms slipped.
Tsubasa once said that he loved the wind. To him, wind was air saying ‘I love you.’
At that instant, Takki was suddenly overwhelmed with an urge to share that thought and say those words. They made Tsubasa happy. Would they make Pi happy too? But he didn’t utter those precious words. He couldn’t.
……………
Like the leaves tossing by in the wind before him, Takki’s blissful and carefree summer dream was over. He was once again on the road, without a home, on a journey to where the wind blew.
The wind didn’t have to blow far for Takki to meet his next friend.
‘Hit me! Just hit me! Do something! Anything!’
Takki looked on flabbergasted. Why would anyone want to be hit? He waited patiently until the retreating figure had almost disappeared before approaching the shouting man.
‘Why do you want to be hit?’
Kame was startled by the unexpected question.
‘Because I’ve hurt him, him and his family.’
It turned out that Kame used to be a famous prophesier. People came far and wide for his advice. He soon became arrogant and it angered the Gods.
‘After I lost my powers, I continued dispensing prophecies, pretending to still be endowed with the gift. He and his family are just one of my many victims.’
Kame wanted to come clean. But he had too much to lose, not just fame and fortune but his identity and self-worth as well. What was he if not Kame, The Prophesier?
‘Ultimately, I came clean. But it was too late for some. The damage was already done.’
‘Then why did you do it, come clean?’
‘It took a lot of soul-searching and courage. Maybe it was guilt? Maybe it was my ego refusing to be defined by my gift? Am I nothing without my gift? Surely I'm more than just a prophesier.’
Takki nodded. To him, Kame was more than a former prophesier. He was a proud and confident warrior.
Stirred by Kame’s self-belief, Takki was now anticipating the journey ahead. Maybe, along the way, he would discover what it was that defined him.
The Seventh Lesson (Chapter 5/5)
All was serene and calm. Perhaps it was the proximity to the temple that brought about such tranquility. Takki was slowly sipping his piping hot chrysanthemum tea when he was interrupted by an impromptu poem.
闲梦远 My idle dreams roam far,
南国正芳春 To the southern land where spring is fragrant.
船上管弦江面渌 Wind and strings play on a boat on the river's clear surface,
满城飞絮滚轻尘 The city is full of catkins flying like light dust.
忙杀看花人 People are occupied admiring the flowers.
闲梦远 My idle dreams roam far,
南国正清秋 To the southern land where autumn is clear.
千里江山寒色远 For a thousand li over rivers and hills cold colours stretch far,
芦花深处泊孤舟 Deep in flowering reeds, a solitary boat is moored.
笛在月明楼 Beneath the bright moon, a flute plays in the tower.
The tea stall’s only other customer, a young gentlemen with a perpetual smile and an awkward limp, was the composer.
‘Are you a traveller too?’
Takki was always excited to meet fellow travelers. They often told interesting stories.
‘No, unfortunately. I’m very much local. But I would love to travel.’
‘Then why don’t you?’
The smile dimmed a little.
‘I’ve my father to look after.’
Junno, a young poet, had hoped to make a name for himself in the capital. But family circumstances weighed him down.
‘My father recently remarried, against the advice of a prophesier. It was said that my birth sign clashed with his new wife’s. And as predicted, my stepmother died shortly after the marriage. My father was so guilt-ridden that he fell ill soon after.’
Takki was surprised that the young man’s smile hid such a tragedy.
‘Are you the only one in the family?’
‘I've a step-brother, or used to. He left, after… an incident.’
Junno didn’t explain further, he only looked at his limp.
His step-sibling became understandably depressed at the passing of his beloved mother. But the depression soon turned violent. One day, he beat Junno so bad that his younger brother would never walk normally again.
‘My brother, Jin, is a painter. Before the death, he would paint lavish paintings of mountains and I would write the accompanying poems. We were a team.’
Knitting his brow, Takki was momentarily distracted by the name ‘Jin’. It sounded rather familiar.
‘Do you hate your brother?’
Junno’s face clouded.
‘At first I accepted it – my leg for his mother’s life. But an ironic thing happened. One day, the prophesier came to our door. He kowtowed and begged for forgiveness. He said it was a lie, his prophecy was a lie. My leg... it was all for nothing!’
Takki had wanted to ask if the prophesier was Kame, his earlier friend. But seeing the agitated Junno, Takki fell silent. Somehow he felt vaguely responsible that a friend of his was the root of such grave injustice.
‘Sometimes I wished I never knew. Then I wouldn’t be habouring this hatred. If only the prophesier wasn’t so selfish. He took cared of his guilt. But what about my burden?’
For Junno, the pain didn’t end there. His father insisted that he went to the temple everyday to pray for Jin’s safe return. It was an instruction Junno adhered to religiously.
‘Why do you do it?’
‘For my father. It would ease his heart to know that deities are protecting his distant stepson.’
‘What about your pain?’
‘My pain? Everyday I come here out of obligation, out of a sense of duty. But one day… I hope I can let go of all this hurt inside, and pray sincerely with all my heart. One day, I hope to do it out of love.’
‘Love?’
‘Yes. Love. They say it conquers all. I certainly hope so.’
Amazed at Junno’s selflessness and desire to transcend above his suffering, Takki looked on the young man with deep respect. He too hoped that love would be the answer for Junno.
With the south wind blowing, Takki watched the cloud pass from Junno’s face and heaved a soft sigh of relief.
Reflecting on the numerous friends and lessons along the way, Takki asked himself.
‘Is love the answer for me too?’
Much had been learnt since he answered the call of his wanderlust, but perhaps the most important lesson still eluded him. If the main purpose of life was to learn how to love and be loved, then Takki still had along way to go.
………….
秋风清 The autumn air is clear,
秋月明 The autumn moon is bright.
落叶聚还散 Fallen leaves gather and scatter,
寒鸦栖复惊 Trembling crows perch and startle
相思相见知何日 I don‘t know when we’ll meet again.
此时此夜难为情 Tonight, this moment is unbearable.
In a hushed voice, Takki recited the poem, one of the many, lying on the zitan table.
入我相思门 If you enter my gate of longing,
知我相思苦 You would understand the pain of my longing.
长相思兮长相忆 Long yearning recalls long memories.
短相思兮无尽极 Short yearning has no end.
早知如此绊人心 If I knew my thoughts of you would be so tangled,
何如当初莫相识 Wouldn‘t it be better if we had never been acquainted?
何如当初莫相识 Might as well we had never been acquainted.
Takki knew that he would be missed. After all, he missed too. But he didn’t expect it to be so long and deep.
…………..
Crown Prince Tsubasa sobbed controllably. Pressing both palms firmly to his nose and mouth, he hushed his wails. The sight before him consumed him with a concoction of shock, disbelief, relief and incredible joy. Takki was sleeping curled up like a baby next to him. If this was a dream, he didn’t want to wake up.
He knew what awaited him at daybreak - a half-life. He didn’t want to spend another waking moment in that room that reeked of emptiness, a room that he had wrecked and burnt down, yet rebuilt. It looked like how it used to be. But there was no trace of Takki anymore. They had all been burnt away. If only he could burn his memories away too. But he couldn’t and he couldn’t bear to. Piercingly painful as they were, they were all he had. If he didn’t even have those memories, he would have nothing.
The torrent of tears might have blurred his vision, but he felt it acutely. The sleeping figure was now awake, wiping and kissing away his tears.
It felt like forever since Takki last kissed Tsubasa. And it was the first time he tasted his tears. He savoured it carefully to ingrain that taste into his memory, like how he could still distinctly recall the taste of the other boy’s sweat and cum.
Comforting the weeping boy, Takki cradled the pretty face into his bosom. Gradually, the soft whimpers were slowly being drowned out by the howling winds outside.
‘Could it be this simple?’
Takki asked himself as he stroked the head of soft silken strands.
‘Could this be the meaning of my life?’
That notion astonished Takki. It seemed he had left on a long and winding journey of discovery only to return to where he had started and know the place for the first time.
End. More at http://avery-averette.livejournal.com. Enjoy!
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