Journal entry! And the last update I'll be able to post for a while :(
Heartache and emotional disaster.
All of those things seem to describe Gerard in their own way. I never once thought I'd care about someone as much as I do for him. And my emotions just keep getting stronger every second I stare into his endless hazel eyes. A person's disposition completely changes in situations such as mine, where I feel thrown into something so foreign, yet I'm completely comfortable with where I am. Gerard has kept me sane so far, and I can only hope I don't wake up and find out my life is still a living hell.
I still feel like there's a piece of me missing, somehow. It's as if the very core of my essence has a flaw that cannot be mended and just continues to decay and deteriorate. I'm torn on the inside, and I'm not longer myself. I have a desire to gain my own personality back, yet I realize it would shatter everything I've been experiencing.
I wonder if I've lost myself entirely, or maybe I hadn't found myself in the first place. My heart is tied up in knots along with my thoughts and head. I sometimes think that I could even have multiple personalities with how much I'm up and down. But ever since I met Gerard, my mood's been better. He makes me feel like less of a zombie and more like someone who's worth spending time with. And he truly cares about me, which is even better than the usual act that I've known all too well.
People live on lies, it seems. It's their own way of making themselves feel secure while putting the other person on edge without them even realizing. It's hard to think that there are so many relationships that are believed to be based on trust when it's all just a tangled mess of lies. Someone will come up with an excuse, and their partner will excuse them in fear of losing the one they love.
It's not as if I'm that close to Gerard, but that could be quite the disadvantage. I would never know if he lied to me about something, no matter how simple of a lie. I don't think that he would, in reality. Mikey confirmed that in just the few minutes he spoke to me. But could I rely on just the words of his younger brother? Surely, talking to Frank would be out of the question... right?
I'm seriously gonna miss this!!! I need to stop thinking about it, though. Anyway, here's the link for my new story, Obsession:
Yay for self-advertising! ^_^ Love you guys, and I'll be back as soon as I straighten my life out a little :)