You won't find any Twitcher or Susan Boils in this story! This is a rewrite of Attack Of The Killer App and What it should've been
by: Zoey Webber
During the week after New Years, it was unseasonably warm in New New York. There was some noise upstairs at Planet Express and Hermes and Amy inquisit Leela about it.
HERMES: What in blazes is that racket, Leela?
AMY: Splah! It sounds like a rock band is coming to town.
LEELA: That's Fry and Bender. Ever since they saw that show iCarly, they've been wanting to do a show like that of their own.
Upstairs Fry and Bender were putting on a webshow and Zoidberg is the tech producer, filiming with a computer camera.
ZOIDBERG: In 5,4,3,2......
Bender was dressed as a cowboy. Fry as a hula dancer.
FRY: What up dudes, dawgs, and homies!
BENDER: Howdy, partners!
FRY: I'm Philip! And for no reason at all, I'm dressed like a hula dancer!
BENDER: I'm Bender! And for no reason at all, I'm dressed as a cowboy!
FRY: And we have a cool new webshow for you today called......
FRY and BENDER: eyePhone Follies!
BENDER: Since the eyePhone came out, Fry and I just had to get one!
FRY: And we've been filming funny people doing funny things!
BENDER: Like this video I did of Zapp on the toilet! Our tech producer Zoidberg will play it!
ZOIDBERG: Hooray! I'm behind the scenes!
BENDER: Just play the Zapp video, ass monkey!
ZOIDBERG: Playing the Zapp video!
On the screen it shows Zapp on the toilet.
ZAPP: Captain's log, 5000! All systems go!
Zapp flushes the toilet with Kiff inside.
KIFF: Siiiiirrrrr! You idiot!
FRY: Good thing Amy didn't see that, now here's mine of Ignar Farnsworth.....
BENDER: Farnsworth's and Mom's bastard love child......
FRY: Dressed as Little bo Peep and singing about lollipops!
ZOIDBERG: Playing the Ignar video!
On the screen it shows Ignar dressed as Little bo Peep and singing.
IGNAR: I'm a little lollipop! Short and sweet! I'm a little lollipop! Fun to eat!
Fry and Bender both laugh.
BENDER: And now, the best eyePhone video ever! The piece da resistance!
FRY: Whatever could it be, Bender?
BENDER: This one I did of Zoidberg drunk at last year's New Years Eve party! I secretly filmed him!
FRY: Bender! No!
Bender presses a button and the video of a drunk Zoidberg appears. Zoidberg is slurring and vomiting.
ZOIDBERG: I am the most hated member of Planet Express! That don't bother me, I'm tough! Wanna know why? I have tiger blood! And I have the DNA of Adonis! Everyone thinks I'm such a big loser, but little do they realize, I'm DUH!!!! WINNING!!!! I'm Dr. Zoidberg! Super Genius! Somebody, I'm taking over and calling it, Zoidberg Express! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!
BENDER: That was awesome!
FRY: I don't what to say......
Zoidberg dropped the camera, whoops, and runs away.
FRY: Bender! You just ruined Zoidberg's life!
BENDER: Fry, I ruin lives everyday, so clean this mess up!
FRY: Is this the end of the show? Everytime I do something fun with Zoidberg and Bender I always have to clean up the mess.
Fry looks at the camera.
FRY: Please stay tuned for an episode of This Old House.
The next day, Zoidberg comes out of his dumpster and everyone harrases and laughs at him.
SAL: Hey looks here! it's the super genius!
ZOIDBERG: Heh, Heh. Funny.
As Zoidberg walks on, he's harrassed even more.
ZAPP: Hey, Zoidberg! Are you really, Duh, Winning! Laugh deresively at him, Kiff!
KIFF: sighs Ha Ha Ha!
ZOIDBERG: Oh, no!
Out of nowhere, Roberto comes.
ROBERTO: Can I have some of your Adonis DNA?!?!
Then a gang of boys on skateboards corner him.
SKATEBOARDING KIDS: Tiger blood! Tiger blood! Tiger blood!
Zoidberg runs down the street screaming until he reaches Planet Express. Leela, Amy, Hermes, and Farnsworth were all watching the Zoidberg APP video and laughing at it.
FARNSWORTH: Play it again, Leela!
LEELA: Sure will!
She replays the video and it gets stuck on the 'Duh Winning' part on a loop. Everyone cracked up.
FARNSWORTH: Hilarious! That's quite enough. Now, when Zoidberg walks in through that door, everyone laugh at him! If you don't, you're fired!
LEELA: We'll do, Professor!
HERMES: You can count on us!
AMY: Here he comes now!
Zoidberg ran into the building. He's out of breath and panting.
ZOIDBERG: Can't escape! At least I'm in good company with my friends!
LEELA: Hey, look! It's Mr. Tiger Blood!
AMY: He sure don't look like Adonis!
HERMES: Seeing that video makes me hate you even more!
FARNSWORTH: Who did that video? I'll give them a promotion!
LEELA: Fry and Bender did.
ZOIDBERG: HA! You may think you have the best of me. I'm actually enjoying this!
AMY: Whatever, Super Genius!
LEELA: Hey, Zoidberg? Want to go on a date with me? I'll take you out for a Winner Winner! Chicken Dinner!
Zoidberg runs into his lab and sees Fry and Bender laughing out the window. Zoidberg starts to get very angry.
ZOIDBERG: Fry and Bender! This is all their fault! I'll get my revenege and play a prank on them they'll never forget! FRY AND BENDER!! YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ZOIDBERG!!!!
FARNSWORTH: Is there a problem?
The next day, Zoidberg went to a pond in Central Park and jumped into it. Then he swallowed as much bass as possible. Then he got out of the pond and spat out the bass and put them into a cooler. Then at midnight, Zoidberg fills the PE Ship gas tank with bass.
ZOIDBERG: There! This will teach Fry and the robot to mess with Zoidberg!
The next day, Farnsworth has a mission for Fry, Bender, and Leela.
FARNSWORTH: Good news everyone!
LEELA: What's the mission?
FARNSWORTH: Today you're going to the planet Jupiter to donate my clothes to the Goodwill store.
BENDER: What? We're not going to be a charity company, are we?
FRY: If you really want us to, we will!
ZOIDBERG: Hello, folks.
FRY: Zoidberg! You're not mad at us for what we did to you on eyePhone Follies are you?
ZOIDBERG: No, of course not! Zoidberg forgives you!
BENDER: Forgiveness is for wimps! I still haven't forgiven that priest who beat me up in Robot Catholic School!
Fry, Leela, and Bender go to the PE Ship and it sails in space until it reaches Jupiter.
ZOIDBERG: Yes, that's right. Go on your mission! laughes evilly
Zoidberg gets his eyePhone ready.
Meanwhile on Jupiter, Leela goes to the Goodwill store to donate Farnsworth's clothes. Fry and Bender stay behind.
FRY: Any ideas for the next eyePhone Follies?
Then suddenly, Fry hears a rumble in the gas tank.
FRY: Did you just hear that gas tank?
BENDER: I got an idea! How about I throw you in that gas tank, and see if you can fit, and how you can withstand swimming in gas! Then I'll throw a match in it! Now _that_ would be an awesome eyePhone video!
Then Leela comes back and hears Bender.
LEELA: Okay, that's it! We're going home now!
FRY: We should! There's something wrong with the gas tank!
LEELA: That's not why we're leaving! We're leaving because of you!
She points at Bender.
BENDER: What? What the hell did I do?
LEELA: You gave Fry a death threat!
BENDER: I was just joshing him, that's all!
FRY: Wow! Leela stood up for me! That must mean she loves me!
LEELA: Just go back inside.
They all get into the PE Ship and the gas tank rumbles all the way back to Earth. Once they land in the Planet Express building. Zoidberg lays in wait and has his eyePhone filming.
FRY: See? I told you the gas tank is making noise!
BENDER: Fine! I'll go and check to make the baby feel better!
Fry, Leela, and Bender go out of the ship to check the gas tank.
ZOIDBERG: Yes! That's right you lame beep do it!
Then Bender opens the gas tank.
BENDER: See? There's nothing wrong with it.......
Just then a huge explosion of bass fish falls all over Fry and Bender. Some even land on Leela. Zoidberg films it all on his eyePhone.
ZOIDBERG: Bingo! Yes! I did it! singing Zoidberg rocks! Zoidberg rocks! Zoidberg rocks!
Then Zoidberg runs away. And Fry and Bender lay around all covered with bass fish all over them.
BENDER: We are we on the set of the movie Stakeout?
FRY: That was a great movie.
LEELA: I'm taking a shower. I suggest you both do the same.
The day after Fry, Bender, and Leela were walking to work. Then Sal stops them.
SAL: Hey, cyclops! Why do you like hanging around with stinky guys?
LEELA: Takes one to know one! Look at you, redneck!
BENDER: You talking to us?
FRY: What stinky guys?
SAL: Oh, you don't knowses? There's a new APP Video out! It's called "Bass Ass Tank".
BENDER: What's it about?
Then Zapp and Kiff walk up to them.
ZAPP: It's about you two of course! Fry, you totally got what you deserved! Right Kiff?
KIFF sighs Yes, he did.
ZAPP: I don't like you anymore, Leela! You like stinky guys!
LEELA: Ooooh, What a big loss!
FRY: I'm starting to panic here! What's going on? What APP video?
They all run to Planet Express and they see Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, and Farnsworth watch an APP video of Fry and Bender having bass fish explode on them. They all laugh.
FRY: gasp Oh, no! It can't be! It can't be!
BENDER: We're going to be pariahs!
FARNSWORTH: Enough fun with APP videos, everyone get back to work.
Hermes, Amy, and Farnsworth leave.
LEELA: I wonder who did this to you?
They hear a laugh on the ceiling, it was Zoidberg who jumps from the ceiling flawlessly and lands next to Fry and Bender.
ZOIDBERG: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! GOTCHA!!!! Payback's a bitch and so am I!!!!!
BENDER: Zoidbutt! I should've known it was you!
ZOIDBERG: Now you both are going to know what it's like to be on the receiving end of ridicule! I'm going to become famous and popular, and you two will end up with nothing! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!
LEELA: Zoidberg got revenge? Didn't think he had it in him.
As they days pass, Bender and Fry get laughed at, ridiculed and everyone shouted "Bass Ass Tank" whenever they walked by. Everyone throws things at them, kids ask them for autographs, people boo them, and "Bass Ass Tank" was shown everywhere on the internet in the universe. Fry even became a picture mascot for Morton's Bass Salt. Bender became a gas station's mascot for gas tanks. Then Zoidberg's popularity skyrockets and everyone cheers him as he walks down the street.
As the days pass, Bender and Fry were still being relentlessly harrassed, some even tried to beat them up, and threw bass fish at them. Bender fought back, while Fry just stood there crying. Zoidberg, on the other hand, was enjoying his popularity! He even won respect at Planet Express.
LEELA: Hey, Zoidberg! What's it like to finally be popular?
ZOIDBERG: Best thing in the world that's ever happened to me!
AMY: Some TV execs were here looking for you. They wanted to give you your own reality show.
ZOIDBERG: No kidding! Get out!
HERMES: I don't care if you're popular, I still hate you! You're neuvau riche trailer trash.
Just then, Fry and Bender walk in.
LEELA: Well, well! Look what the cat dragged in. Ready, Aim, FIRE!!!!
Amy, Leela, Hermes, and Zoidberg all throw fish at Fry and Bender.
AMY: The Professor says we're going to make fun of you two now!
LEELA: Fry and Bender are the new Zoidberg!
HERMES: Yeah! Fry and Bender are the new Zoidberg!
AMY: sing song Fry and Bender are the new Zoidberg! Fry and Bender are the new Zoidberg!
ZOIDBERG: Yes, you guys are the new me! I say, let's give them a wedgie!
Leela gives Fry a wedgie while Hermes and Amy put underwear on Bender and give him a wedgie as well.
FARNSWORTH: Good news, Zoidberg! You're getting a promotion! And extra pay!
LEELA: Later, losers! Bass Ass Tank! I am so glad this didn't happen to me!
Everyone leaves expect Fry and Bender.
FRY: What will we do now, boss? I say we look for new jobs!
BENDER: Who would've thought I'd live to see the day Zoidbutt becomes more popular than me?
FRY: I still say we need new jobs. Why don't we work as pizza delivery boys? Used to be one.
BENDER: That's degrading! snaps fingers I got it!
FRY: What do you have?
BENDER: An idea, skintube! There's only one person who can help us. Pack your bags, Fry. We're going to Chicago.
Fry and Bender boarded a hovertrain to Chicago. Meanwhile, Zoidberg starts to feel the pressures of fame. Teenagers and twenty somethings were chasing him down the streets. As were TV execs, news reporters and and famous celebrities as well.
ZOIDBERG: Geez, maybe being famous isn't go great after all.
TEEN: Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Sign my chest!
TWENTY SOMETHING: BASS ASS TANK! BASS ASS TANK!
NEWS REPORTER: DO ANOTHER APP VIDEO!
Meanwhile, Fry and Bender arrived in Chicago and went to a tent revival meeting. There, they meet Rev. Jeremiah Wright's Head.
BENDER: Remember, Fry. Don't tell him what we did to Zoidberg.
FRY: All right. How's this guy going to help us?
BENDER: He helps the repressed.
REV WRIGHT: Who wants to come up here?
BENDER: ME! ME! ME!
REV WRIGHT: Man and robot, c'mon up!
Fry and Bender go up on the stage.
REV WRIGHT: What brings you two up on stage?
FRY: A friend of ours did a cruel APP video on us!
BENDER: Yes, and we're pariahs because of it!
FRY: Everyone throws things at us....
BENDER: And our friends turned against us!
REV WRIGHT: An APP video! People! An APP video! Who did this?
BENDER: His name is Dr. Zoidberg.
Meanwhile back in New New York, Zoidberg was still being chased by crazed fans a'la Hard Days Night. Then the chase ends with Zoidberg running into a phone booth and people were trying to tip it over.
ZOIDBERG: NNNNOOO!!!! SSSTTTOOOPPP!!! I CAN'T TAKE MY FAME!
Then Zoidberg runs back to Planet Express.
ZOIDBERG: I hate being famous! Help me! I want to be hated again.
AMY: Looking for Fry and Bender?
LEELA: I heard they went to Chicago.
HERMES: Stow away on the hovertrain there like the hobo you are!
Zoidberg runs out of Planet Express and onto a hovertrain.
FARNSWORTH: Zoidberg doesn't like his fame?
Back in Chicago, Rev Wright was preaching to Fry and Bender.
REV WRIGHT: Fry and Bender know what it's like to be repressed! Fry and Bender know what it's like to be pariahs! Fry and Bender know what it's like to have everyone laugh, ridicule, and make fun of them! All because of Dr. Zoidberg! Everyone says, God Bless Dr. Zoidberg for what he did! Well I say, God Damn Dr. Zoidberg!
FRY: Yes! Damn straight!
BENDER: You tell it like it is, brotha!
Zoidberg bursts into the tent revivial meeting.
ZOIDBERG: How come nobody here is singing gospel and doing flip flops like those people in that Blue Brothers movie? Bender! Fry! Help!
FRY: Why should we help you?
BENDER: Everyone hates us because of what you did. That's why we came here so people would feel sorry for us!
ZOIDBERG: You guys did the same to me on eyePhone Follies!
REV WRIGHT: Fakes! Fakes! Get off my stage.
Fry and Bender do so, then they hear what Zoidberg has to say.
ZOIDBERG: I thought I would like being famous for what I did to you. But now I realize, what I did was wrong, and you guys did wrong too. So, please! Help me to be hated again.
FRY: Okay, we'll do.
BENDER: Let's go back to New New York.
The next day Bender, Fry and Zoidberg were all back in New New York. They're doing another episode of eyePhone Follies. This time, they used a device Farnsworth invented to trap someone inside a video game.
FRY: Tonight on eyePhone Follies, we're going to do something a little different!
BENDER: To quote Monty Python, something completely different!
FRY: Our tech producer, Zoidberg is stuck in a video game called Night Stalker!
BENDER: It's an 80's classic! From Intellevision, a sucky video game system from Fry's time. So, we changed into.....
FRY AND BENDER: ZOID STALKER!!!
BENDER: Let's play and get him killed!
Fry and Bender both play Zoid Stalker and get him killed by robots, bats, and spiders.
FRY: Funny isn't it?
BENDER: Aren't we sadistic?
The next day, Zoidberg was walking to work and everyone was making fun of him and he couldn't be more happier.
SAL: Hey looks! it's Zoid Stalker!
ZAPP: you sure don't know how to handle a gun!
SKATEBOARD KIDS: Goi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
Then Zoidberg walks into Planet Express and everyone was there.
FRY: Are you hated again?
BENDER: You still more popular than us?
ZOIDBERG: Nope, not anymore. No more APP videos for me.
LEELA: So, what's it feel like to be hated again, Mr. Tiger Blood?
AMY: Adonis DNA?
HERMES: Are you Duh-Winning?
Then Zoidberg jumps into the air and he freeze frames!