- Quotation marks around story sections. Words in square brackets are my comments/suggestions.
"And [omit 'and'] while he might not be so great at remembering his appointments[add a comma] he wasn't one to break a promise."
"They were both highly skilled and as soon as they got a little real life [omit 'life'] experience they could go far in the military."
"For the time being[add a comma] all thoughts of becoming a soldier left Flare's mind." [Recommend changing "left Flare's mind" to "abandoned Flare" to prevent overuse of "mind" (see next sentence).]
"To young Flare the future was indeed a bright and shining thing." [This was an excellent line. Sucker-punched me right in the stomach. Of course, maybe that's because I'm assuming his game-absence is from a tragic end. I guess I'll see.]
"More than I'm getting now," Flare replied through one final yawn,[period, not comma; 'okay' uppercase in reaction] "okay lets go and see what are ['our', not 'are']pal Taban has cooked up for us this time."
[Nice Ashtear family history!]
[How old is Taban? He's building complete additions to his house on his own? Where are his father and grandfather?]
"...Gina scolded, wading through a pile of the [omit 'the'] automatic shoe polisher/dishwashers that Taban had made the year before."
"He was several years older than his three young friends and currently had the starting[add 's' to the end of starting] of a beard..."
"Good to see all of you! I've got a great surprise for you [omit 'for you' to avoid repetition of 'you'] today. C'mon you've got to see it," Taban said, speaking quickly [insert either a comma or "and"] obviously excited. [Suggestion: Taban totally sounds like he's "enthusing", there. grin Maybe "Taban enthused" instead of "Taban said"?]
[Cameras started off quite big. Maybe you should make him start off with something more similar to the original camera. The scene could still play out the same.]
Interesting start. A few too many parallels between Flare and Crono (I realize he's supposed to be Crono's father, but it's a bit of overkill), but overall I like the interactions between the characters and look forward to seeing what's going to happen next.
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