Categories > Games > Chrono Trigger > Chrono Gaiden

Chapter 1 - Taban's New Invention

by B_the_Blue 1 Reviews

Crono and his companions challenged everything in order to save the future. Still, they were only one group of adventurers to travel the sea of time. Now a new group of heroes have their own challe...

Category: Chrono Trigger - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Action/Adventure, Fantasy - Characters: Other - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2006/06/05 - Updated: 2006/06/06 - 1711 words

Reviews

  • Chrono Gaiden

    (#) JadeDixon 2006-07-02 04:21:07 PM

    Quotation marks around story sections. Words in square brackets are my comments/suggestions.

    "And [omit 'and'] while he might not be so great at remembering his appointments[add a comma] he wasn't one to break a promise."

    "They were both highly skilled and as soon as they got a little real life [omit 'life'] experience they could go far in the military."

    "For the time being[add a comma] all thoughts of becoming a soldier left Flare's mind." [Recommend changing "left Flare's mind" to "abandoned Flare" to prevent overuse of "mind" (see next sentence).]

    "To young Flare the future was indeed a bright and shining thing." [This was an excellent line. Sucker-punched me right in the stomach. Of course, maybe that's because I'm assuming his game-absence is from a tragic end. I guess I'll see.]

    "More than I'm getting now," Flare replied through one final yawn,[period, not comma; 'okay' uppercase in reaction] "okay lets go and see what are ['our', not 'are']pal Taban has cooked up for us this time."

    [Nice Ashtear family history!]

    [How old is Taban? He's building complete additions to his house on his own? Where are his father and grandfather?]

    "...Gina scolded, wading through a pile of the [omit 'the'] automatic shoe polisher/dishwashers that Taban had made the year before."

    "He was several years older than his three young friends and currently had the starting[add 's' to the end of starting] of a beard..."

    "Good to see all of you! I've got a great surprise for you [omit 'for you' to avoid repetition of 'you'] today. C'mon you've got to see it," Taban said, speaking quickly [insert either a comma or "and"] obviously excited. [Suggestion: Taban totally sounds like he's "enthusing", there. grin Maybe "Taban enthused" instead of "Taban said"?]

    [Cameras started off quite big. Maybe you should make him start off with something more similar to the original camera. The scene could still play out the same.]

    Interesting start. A few too many parallels between Flare and Crono (I realize he's supposed to be Crono's father, but it's a bit of overkill), but overall I like the interactions between the characters and look forward to seeing what's going to happen next.

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