It wasn't like it would be the last time I would talk to him.
"I want to Spence, but I can't. It's really late and my mom needs help. How about we talk tomorrow?" Silence. I bit my bottom lip, chewing on it as I waited for him to respond. Spencer had been feeling really down lately, and I felt terrible for having to hang up, but it wasn't like it would be the last time I would talk to him. And he was a tough kid, we all knew he would make it through all the shit he was going through.
"O-kay." Was he crying?
"All right, I'll see you tomorrow. Night Spence." I gave a small yawn, hearing my mother call me once more.
"Night." The single word sounded like a strangled whisper. And then there was just a dial tone. I rubbed my face, turning off the phone before putting it down on the desk. I glanced at the time, noting that there were only a few minutes left in the day. Just a short amount of time before the clock struck twelve.
Walking to class involved a lot of apologies. People I didn't know walking up to me to just say 'I'm sorry' before giving me a hug. I couldn't fathom what it was about and it wasn't until I made it to where Jon Ryan Spencer and I always stood before class that I knew something was wrong. Ryan and Jon both looked like they were crying and there was a large group of people surrounding them, all talking in sympathetic tones. I walked up to Ryan and he threw his arms around my neck, holding me as close as he could.
"Why weren't you here first hour?" Ryan sobbed as his face buried itself in my neck. I wrapped my arms around him, rubbing his back as my mind tried to figure out what was wrong.
"Slept in. I didn't get to bed till late." I watched as Jon got rid of everyone that was around us, going over to me so he could wrap his arms around me the same way Ryan had.
"Brendon, I am so, so sorry." I pulled out of their grip, looking at the two of them with my brows knitted together.
"Why the fuck is everyone so sorry all of a sudden? What is there to be fuckin' sorry for?" My voice was partially raised, though I wasn't close to screaming. I was just frustrated, and had no way of knowing what was going on.
"Spencer died." My heart sank as the whispered words slipped past Ryan's plump pink lips. "He killed himself last night." With that sentence everything clicked. I backed away, my hands going to my head as I shook it back and forth. My throat started to close up, my eyes stinging with tears.
"Nononono, that's impossible. He's better than that. He wouldn't do...that." I backed up into the chain-link fence that surrounded the school, feeling my heart sink as my mind raced with thoughts I didn't want to think. Words I never wanted to hear.
"Brendon, we know this has to be hard on you, but it's the truth." Jon said as he put his hand on my shoulder. I shook my head once more, feeling the hot tears drop onto my hands. I felt like my world was collapsing, every muscle in my body going tense.
I ran, going to the nearest washroom. I looked around, making sure no one else was in the small room. It was completely empty. I sighed, locking the door. His words echoed in my head, the thought that I had blown him off the last day he was alive making my head ache as well as my chest. It was a physical pain; A burning sensation that made me sick.
He had asked for me to talk to him, and I told him no. I had practically given him another reason to go through with it. I gripped the edge of the sink, my nails pressing into it as my head hung over the silver faucet. Salty tears were dripping down the drain, my body being wracked with sobs. I wasn't there for him when he needed me most. I wasn't the good friend he had always told me I was. One of my hands went up to my mouth, the feeling that I had practically drove him to it making me feel sick.
I turned quickly, running into one of the stalls to empty the contents of my stomach into the bowl. When my stomach had finally settled I sat on the ground, leaning against the wall as the tears picked up once more. My hands went to my face again, rubbing it as the thoughts ran one right after the other.
I had done everything wrong. I lost my best friend, and I didn't even try to save him. I didn't know how to save him. I wished I could turn back the clock, to try again. But it was done. There was nothing I could do. I would never be able to see his baby blues again. His smiling face. Hear his slightly girly laugh. He was gone forever. And it was all my fault.
There was a knock on the thick wooden door, the sound of a questioning 'Brendon' in the sound of Ryan's voice. I couldn't see him. I didn't want to see him. What would he think if he knew I had a chance to save him and didn't? He would hate me. They would both hate me. Ryan and Jon were all that I had left, and I didn't want them to leave, too.
I couldn't ever tell them. I couldn't ever tell anyone. The guilt would just eat away at me until I died. And that's the way it had to be. There was nothing I could do about it. Things were broken. He was broken. And I passed up my chance to try and help him put the pieces of his life back together.
I was the worst type of person on the planet.
Ay-o! Guess who's back. Thank you AnotherKnifeInMyHand and PartyPosion for the well wishes, it meant a lot. I have decided to just accept the fact that I will always be second best at everything I do, and will go back to posting things semi-regularly.
I've also decided I want to try and post a new one-shot either every Sunday or every other Sunday, and that's why you're getting this instead of a fancy new chapter. Guess you'll just have to wait until tomorrow for the latter.
Anyways, I missed you all a bunch (even if you didn't miss me) and cannot wait to get new chapters posted for you to enjoy. Along with reading the things that you lovely readers write.
I'm not at all stable, either. Just to let you know. I'm always going to doubt myself every time I post something new, so there will probably be stretches where I just won't want to post anything new and will practically give up. But on the other side of that is the fact that I love to get this stuff out for other people to enjoy and it always makes me all warm and fuzzy inside when I get a happy review from someone who liked what I wrote.
So there's always that.
I'll try to work on the things that get the best reviews first, so if one of your favorite stories doesn't get a new chapter soon, it's because of that.
Just remember, new posts coming soon! And I'll try to remember that at least a few people like what I do. Even if it doesn't always seem that way.