Gerard laments while looking at pictures of Frank.
Gerard felt like shit. He was constantly feeling hot. He had a hard time breathing. Still, nothing to fret over. It was just the flu, right?
Yet he continued to feel worse and worse. He was just happy that Bert was there to keep him company. Bert had been helping him, by giving him comforting pep talks and singing songs with him now and then. He would have died if he had to face this and coming home alone at the same time.
Though he had a hard time admitting it, even to himself, he still was secretly hoping to hear from Frank. He would check his email on a constant basis. He hated it. Every day that passed in silence felt like a slap in the face.
How could Frank just leave him like this?
He did not want to trouble Mikey and Ray. They had done enough for him already. It was Frank who walked out on him, so fittingly, it was Frank who he wanted the most. Fuck, he was more messed up than he thought.
In addition, he was embarrassed at himself for trying to make a pass on Bert. Bert insisted that it was okay, but he still felt as though Bert became slightly more distant after the incident. It had just been so, so long since he had gotten any action. Masturbation was growing tiresome and ineffective. He had even tried cutting himself up a little, to see if the blood would enhance the experience. Alas, he found himself giving up halfway through. He hoped it was just the illness deflating his sexual drive.
At the same time, the date of his testing was growing near. Mikey was due to fly in in 2 weeks. It was not helping Gerard's nerves at all.
He sighed as he sifted through the photo albums that he retrieved from below his bed. He did not know why the hell he was looking through these. He knew they could only bring him more heartache. Yet bonding with Bert had begun to have a nostalgic effect on him, and he found himself revisiting old memories of his younger days in his head.
Gerard started looking at some pictures from the beginning of the band. Pictures of K, his old girlfriend. He wondered what she was doing. Maybe he should give her a call. Yet who was he kidding? She probably moved on ages ago. Probably thought he was just another famous asshole now.
There was a picture of him and Lindsey when they had first met.
And pictures of Mikey, Alicia, and Eliza. Eliza, she was a nice girl with just a lot of baggage. He remembered being so angry at her when they had broken up, he had forgotten that. Not that she was an angel either, but Gerard felt slightly guilty for how he acted towards her. Perhaps he'd give her a call, but only to apologize. He knew there could never be anything more for them.
There were pictures of Frank. Many, many pictures. He was, after all, the "unofficial ex". Although one would question how he could be considered an ex when their relationship never even started. Yet it only never started because it was never given a chance to start. Frank had always been with Jamia. Frank had always loved Jamia. Gerard knew that Frank had been attracted to him here and there --- nothing more than mere crushes, he figured. Anyway, Gerard was no homewrecker. Jamia was a wonderful, sweet girl and a great friend. Gerard would not want to see her hurt, especially if he was the cause of it. Still, there was always the burning question of "what if?".
Gerard looked up to see Bert watching him from the doorway. Leaning against the frame, his arms crossed -- Gerard could tell he had been there for a while.
"Hi." Gerard greeted him, now feeling slightly awkward.
"Heard anything from him?" Bert asked as he walked closer to the bed. Gerard could see that his eyes were focused on the picture of Frank he held in his hand. He honestly had not even been aware he was holding it. Gerard shook his head.
Bert sighed as he sat on the bed, "Don't lose hope babe. He'll come around."
"That's what Ray and them told me." Gerard frowned, "..and I waited..and he didn't..."
"You just gotta be a bit more patient, I guess." Bert shrugged. "I mean, I'm not the biggest Frank Iero fan... but I do think you should give him a bit more credit."
"I'm trying, Bert."
Bert looked at him and smiled.
"He loves you, Gerard. Trust me. I'd have kicked his ass otherwise."
Gerard laughed loudly. Their conversation was interrupted when Bert's cell phone rang. Bert looked at it, excused himself, and left the room.
Gerard then returned to his pictures. This time, however, seeing Frank in them was not as painful. Bert's words have given him a new spurt of hope. He checked the email on his iphone again, as though Frank had somehow been waiting for that cue to reply, but still, nothing. He was just about to go back to the pictures, when Bert came back into the room. He looked white as a ghost.
"What's wrong?" Gerard asked, terrified of the answer. If one more thing went wrong...
"That was um.. Alison. Sh -- she's pregnant." Bert seemed barely able to say it. He was in such visible shock. Gerard could understand why, considering what happened the last time he had impregnated a girl. Still, another thing was causing them both to feel their heart in their throats.
"Gerard -- I -- I have to go. I'm sorry."
Bert walked out of the room. Another person, leaving him. He understood, of course. He would not stop him. He would not sob, or make a sound.
Gerard would only sit there quietly, doing all his screaming on the inside.
Next chapter: Gerard now has to face his testing date alone...or so he thinks.