You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
ONE MONTH LATER
Big, fat rain drops pounded down on my head. Cold as ice, they ran down my hair and the back of my neck. They seeped through my clothes and I started to shiver. I pulled open the door to the yellow cab I had just hailed and threw my bag inside. Then I climbed in and slammed the door shut. I gave the cabby my home address and we started to pull away. I looked out the back window of the cab. It was raining so hard that all I could see was the blurry black figure of Gerard standing outside his bus. I turned around forward and leaned my head back to try and reverse the direction of my tears.
When I felt like I had finally gotten a grip on myself, I pulled my phone out of my bag and dialed Milo’s number. He picked up on the fourth ring. The minute I heard him say hello I burst into tears again. I blubbered to him that he needed to come by the condo and that I couldn’t do the tour anymore. He tried his best to reason with me.
“You have to tell me what happened, Des. I can’t help you until you tell me what’s going on. Just take a deep breath and tell me.” Milo said firmly over the phone. I wasn’t having any of it. I sat in the back of the cab, sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to take a deep breath but it just turned into a blubbering cry of pain. The cabby asked if I was going to be alright. I nodded and told him to just keep driving.
“Milo please! I’ll tell you when we get home. It can’t wait. Just come back to LA with me! I c-can’t be on this tour anymore. I can‘t do this! I can‘t do this.” I bawled, clutching my arms around myself as I shook. Milo sighed heavily. I pulled away a damp strand of hair that was clutching to my tear streaked face.
“Alright, alright just get yourself to the condo. I’ll be there in half an hour. We’re gonna sort this out okay? You’re going to get through this. Everything is gonna be alright. It‘ll all be okay, I promise you.” Milo assured me. I didn’t believe him.
“O-okay.” I cried, trying to calm myself. Nothing was working. Milo and I hung up when the cab pulled up to the condo. He said he was already on his way. I went inside and curled up in my bed, trying to reconnect the dots of what had just happened.
It all seemed so blurred out and fuzzy. I had been so angry and I said such terrible things. I felt so confused and so lost. I pulled my knees up to my chest and just laid there in fetal position as if this would help me to hold myself together until Milo got home. I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn’t. Every time I went to take a deep breath it just ended up being a shuddering gasp and then more tears. The last time I remembered crying this hard was when my father and sister died.
After what had felt like hours of grueling tears and crying, Milo got home. I heard him park in the drive way and come in through the front door. He called my name and I called out to him for help.
“Des? Oh baby girl, what happened? Sh, sh, it’s okay. I’m here.” Milo said the minute he saw me. He swooped down like my guardian angel and pulled me into a tight, warm hug. “What happened? Why are you so upset?” Milo asked after a few seconds pause. I pulled back and tried to regain control of my tear ducts. I wiped my tear-chapped cheeks and nose before I answered.
“He’s been doing cocaine! All this time he’s been doing cocaine Milo!” I managed to scream out. Milo looked confused for a minute and opened his mouth to ask who, but I interrupted him. “Gerard! He’s been popping pills and binge drinking and snorting coke behind my back!” Milo’s eyes widened with concern.
“Oh, Des. I’m sorry, I really am. But I don’t think he meant to hurt you.” Milo said softly as he rubbed my back in a circular motion. I felt my mouth go to a straight hard like and my face become stony.
“No, of course he didn’t mean to hurt me. He never intended on hurting me. He meant to hurt himself. He never wanted to hurt anybody, but himself. Self destruction…that’s what it was all about.” I mumbled decisively to myself. I was surprised by the malice in my own voice. I was also surprised but this terrible aching hurt feeling my chest.
“I’m so young. I’m so young and so stupid. Why didn’t I confront him about this earlier? I knew something was going on but I guess it was just easier to pretend it wasn’t. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted us to be golden. And it seemed like it was, but I was bind to all of the truth.” I said, more to myself than Milo. “I was in over my head, way in over my head. I’ve been living like a thirty year old women since I was just a baby, Milo. But I’m not a baby anymore. Gerard has what was left of my innocence, and he doesn’t even know it.”
Milo could only frown deeply and tell me again that he was sorry. He rubbed my back for a few minutes while I relished all that I had said and done a little over an hour ago. I felt terribly guilty for leaving him the way I did, probably when he needed me the most. But I didn’t know what else to do. I was nineteen! And I was not about to let somebody drag me down into the depths of despair with them. I needed somebody I could fall back on, somebody I could trust. Gerard broke promises, along with my heart. Maybe he just wasn’t that person…
“I think you should talk to him.” Milo said softly after the long silence. I shook my head, realizing my tears had stopped finally.
“I threw a bottle of champagne. I slammed the ring down on the counter and y’know what I said to him?” I asked, my voice wobbling. Milo grimaced. “I said, ‘I don’t need a drugged up husband’.” My voice broke. Milo furrowed his eyebrows sympathetically.
“It’s over Milo. I lost him and there’s nothing I can do to get him back.” I mumbled. I got off the bed and stretched my aching muscles. “Besides, he leaves for Japan this afternoon. I’ve got no chance of reaching him.” I walked over to the bathroom door. “I’m gonna take a shower. I need to be alone for a while.”
“I’ll call Freddy and reason with him about the tour, okay kiddo?” Milo said. I nodded and faked a smile for him. It was the least he deserved.
I stormed back into the bus just as the rain had stopped and the guys were coming back. I sat on my bunk, my hair and clothes dripping. The ring was still sitting on the counter. The champagne was still spilled all over the floor.
It hit me that I had ruined Desolé. I had torn her heart out and broke it while she watched helplessly. I was ashamed of myself. I felt guilty and disgusted. She was nineteen! What was I thinking fucking around with a girl her age? I felt like a sicko-rapist. I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to throw up. Maybe that would take care of this aching black hole in my stomach.
What had I been thinking? Thinking I could land a girl as amazing as she was and have everything work out for me? I was crazy. I’d been living in a fairytale for the last year. Our whole mess of a relationship seemed like a blur of colors, noise, laughter, tears and triumph. I thought I was going to have the perfect life. Settle down with the girl of my dreams, maybe have kids. But I ripped that chance away for myself. I’d ruined one of the only good things in my life.
“Jesus Christ what the hell happened?” Frank exclaimed when he and the others entered the bus. I grumbled unintelligibly.
“Shit man, did you and Des get in a fight or something?” Ray asked, picking up shards of glass as Bob grabbed a towel. I shook my head, but then nodded. Mikey was the only one who noticed the ring resting on the countertop. He picked it up and examined it.
“Gerard, this is Desolé’s ring? What’s it doing here? Where is she? Tell me what happened.” Mikey said, kneeling beside me with the ring in his hand. I took it from him and clenched it in my fist.
“I fucked up real bad this time.” was all I could seem to say. There were still tears rolling down my cheeks, but I wasn’t fully aware of them. “I lied to her. She found out and she left. She’s gone, long gone.” I mumbled. Ray and Bob and Frank paused their clean up.
“What did she find out Gerard? What did you lie to her about?” Frank asked, also kneeling by me. My shoulder’s shook with s guilty sob. I couldn’t bare to look at them. Not after all I had lied to them about. But now was time for the truth to be told, even though it was far too late.
“I’ve been lying to you guy’s too. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I started. Everybody seemed to hold their breath. “I’ve been doing coke. For a while now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I have a problem. I need help.” I cried.
“Oh god.” was all Ray could say. Nobody else spoke and I tried to stop crying. But I couldn’t seem to get a handle on myself and my emotions.
“I feel like I’m dying.” I said finally looking up at them. The disappointment in their faces brought s whole new onslaught of guilty tears. I wiped my face repeatedly. Frank shook his head and stood up. Mikey hugged me.
“You’re gonna be okay Gee, we’ll figure something out. Let’s just get through this thing in Japan and then we’ll talk about rehabs and stuff.” Mikey said, giving me a squeeze. I really did not deserve this kindness, but I didn’t know what else to do so I accepted it.
“Okay. Okay.” I said with a hiccup. I wiped my eyes again and looked at everybody.
“We’re gonna pull you through this man.” Ray assured me, putting his hand on my shoulder. I nodded and gulped. I wanted him to be right, but I just didn’t see it happening…
This is not the end! There will be a few more chapters after this. Sorry for the lackof updates. School has been nuts!