Havoc wants to know why Roy and Riza aren't together. The answer may surprise you... It certainly surprised Havoc!
A Full Metal Alchemist fanfiction
by Anne Packrat
Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist and its attendant characters and setting were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation and Viz.
Warnings: Royai, Roy / Riza, Messing with Havoc's head, explicit language
"Will you two just get it over with and fuck already?"
It was a normal day in Roy Mustang's office, many attempts were made to avoid work, but all were foiled by the vigilant First Lieutenant. Yes, it was a normal day.
Or at least it had been up until Havoc's outburst.
Everyone gaped at the Second Lieutenant. "What in the hell are you talking about, Havoc?" Mustang snapped.
"You, two!" Havoc said, waving his arm back and forth from Mustang to Hawkeye's desk a few feet away, "Every time you two are in a room together, the sexual tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife!" He looked toward the other three junior officers, "Tell them you feel it too!" he pleaded.
Fuery, Breda and Falmon didn't reply, suddenly being very interested in their paperwork. Commenting on the non-professional aspects of the Colonel and First Lieutenant's relationship was a forbidden topic. Havoc was treading on sacred ground. Sensing impending bullets and flames, they left him to further dig his own grave.
"Lieutenant Havoc," Hawkeye's crisp clear voice rang out for the first time, "My relationship with the Colonel is strictly that of a subordinate to commanding officer." She emphasized this by dropping a stack of paperwork heavily on the colonel's desk.
"Besides," she said almost offhandedly, "the colonel just isn't my type."
Mustang, who had been nodding in agreement while sipping from his mug, spit out his coffee at this last comment. His surprise was mirrored on every other male face in the room. "W-What?" Roy choked out then recovered, "What do you mean I'm not your type? I'm every woman's type!"
Hawkeye merely rolled her eyes at her colonel's arrogant comment. "Not mine, sir."
The junior officers on the other side of the room had put down their paperwork to watch this exchange. Morbid curiosity gave Fuery the confidence to speak up, "Then, Lieutenant," he asked his voice going high with fear, "What is your type?"
Hawkeye shrugged and returned to her desk, her face implacable, "I like real men, big burly ones bursting with muscles. Men that embody physical strength."
The men were all horror struck as they shared the same vision of Hawkeye's ideal man. It involved a little tuft of blond hair, and sparkles. Lots of sparkles.
"So, sir," Hawkeye continued oblivious to the others' distraction, "I guess you could say that you're just not enough man for me. No, my ideal man is..."
Havoc broke from their combined reverie first, "Oh, god, don't say it's...."
Hawkeye ignored him, "My ideal man is Al Elric."
"WHAT?!" Havoc screeched, "Al? AL?! Big walking suit of armor Al Elric is your ideal man? That's- that's just plain wrong!"
"Why? Why?!" Havoc replied flustered, "It's...." he groped around for the right word, "Well, it's pedophilia for one!" He was reeling, this conversation was producing images that Havoc knew would be permanently scarred into his brain.
Hawkeye quirked an eyebrow, "Does Al look like a child for to you? Besides, I can assure he's very mature for his age. Do you know what he has under that loincloth?"
Breda raised his hand, "Uh, I do." He flushed pink as every head in the office swiveled toward him, "Well, uh, he was sleeping and I was curious and...." He turned red and trailed off. "I'll- I'll shut up now."
The first lieutenant turned away from the blushing soldier and focused again on Havoc. "If not Al, then who exactly did you think I was talking about then?"
"Oh, him," Hawkeye shrugged, "I like him too. I sleep with him when the Elric's are out of town."
"I don't believe it!" Mustang said, standing up and banging his fist on the table, "That bastard Armstrong assured me he was homosexual!"
Havoc's mouth dropped, "Colonel, you mean, you too are, uh, 'spending time' with the Major?"
Mustang nodded. "Of course. Actually he's quite the considerate lover. Though he has to be given his rather large manhood." Mustang grinned, "Takes awhile to get used to, you know," he said in an exaggerated whisper to Havoc. Havoc whimpered at the images assaulting his brain.
"Don't forget his incredible girth, sir," Hawkeye interjected, "Big as my forearm." She rolled up her sleeve to the elbow as a visual aid. That was another mental picture Havoc didn't need.
"Yep, yep," Mustang said, nodding sagely, "Armstrong is nice, but he doesn't hold a candle to Fullmetal."
"You're screwing Ed too?" Havoc said, his evil mind images now equaling four.
"Oh yeah," Mustang replied, "He may be small, but Fullmetal makes up for it with creativity. You wouldn't believe the things he can do with that automail arm of his."
Havoc groaned, "Oh god."
The colonel ignored him and continued, "I guess you could say I have a fetish for metal limbs." He glanced over at Hawkeye, "Though, not to the extent the first lieutenant has." His statement caused a slight tinge of pink to touch her cheeks.
"Let me get this straight," Falman's deep voice said, heavy with doubt, "You, colonel, are having sex with Ed Elric and Major Armstrong." Roy nodded, and Falman turned toward the first lieutenant, "And you, Hawkeye, are also sleeping with Major Armstrong along with Al Elric."
Hawkeye nodded, "When I'm not having 'sleepovers' with Lieutenant Ross and Winry."
Havoc buried his head in his hands. Breaking under the uncompromising assault of horrid sexual images (though he had to admit the image of Hawkeye with the two other women wasn't particularly terrible), he leaped to his feet, his eyes full of righteous indignation.
"YOU BOTH ARE NOTHING BUT PERVERTS!" he shouted, his quivering finger pointing back and forth between Roy and Riza, "YOU'RE UNHOLY WARPED DEVIANTS! YOU ARE DIRTY, HORRIBLE, AND OVERALL SICK EXAMPLES OF HUMANITY!"
Silence followed his proclamation.
"Are you quite done, Lieutenant?" Mustang asked after a minute.
Drained, and suddenly weary, Havoc lowered his arm and dropped heavily into his chair, "Yes, sir, I am."
"Good," Mustang replied. Then he burst out laughing. Next to him, Hawkeye broke out in an uncharacteristic bout of giggling.
Havoc stared at the two in disbelief, then glared at the other end of the office where the remaining three officers were having their own fits of laughter. "Not you three too...." he groaned.
"God, Havoc," Mustang said wiping a tear from his eye, "You are so gullible! You'll believe anything!"
Bearing out the remaining hysterics stoically, Havoc waited until they had all calmed down. "So you're telling me that you two are NOT sleeping with all those people?"
"Havoc," Hawkeye said, adjusting her jacket and again composing herself. "Between babysitting him," she jerked her thumb at the colonel, " and making sure that you lot do all your paperwork, I barely have time for myself and the puppy. I don't even have time for one relationship let alone five!"
"God dammit," Havoc muttered staring at the desk, "I'm such an idiot."
Mustang went over and patted his back. "Don't worry, Havoc, some women like stupid men."
This bit of good news was met by a groan from the lieutenant who again buried himself in his hands and began to sob.
Later that day, Hawkeye and Mustang were alone in the office. It was after hours and the Colonel was putting in overtime to finish his work, and Hawkeye was there to make sure he did indeed use the overtime to finish his work. The colonel had given his three junior officers some money and told them to go take the weeping Havoc out to drown his sorrows in a beer stein. They'd happily complied, even knocking off early, dragging the woebegone blond behind them.
This left Roy at his desk idly doing his work, and Hawkeye alternately moving the outgoing paperwork off his desk and the incoming paperwork onto it.
She had just put down the last stack of reports when the colonel spoke up.
Roy put down his pen and looked up the woman next to him with a smile playing about his lips, "Why did you come up with such an incredible lie?"
Riza looked down at the desk, her eyes hidden by her bangs, "Because, sir, I'm your guardian. It's my job to protect you, whether it's from terrorists, rogue alchemists or nosy subordinates."
Roy stood and leaned against the desk in front of her. "And messing with Havoc's mind?"
She smiled and looked up at him, her eyes full of amusement, "That was just an added bonus, sir."
He stepped closer toward her and ran his hand along her cheek. "We were kind of hard on him, weren't we?"
Riza took his other hand and stroked his palm. "I suppose so."
"I wonder how we could make it up to him?" Roy said as he moved to kissing along her jawline.
She snaked her arms around his waist and pulled him closer. "I suppose we could fulfill his original request," she answered, her voice muffled by his chest.
Slowly he began unbuttoning her uniform jacket. "You mean the one where he said we should just sleep together already?"
She nodded and shrugged off her jacket. Deft hands began working on the front of his shirt. "That's the one."
He leaned in and kissed her. After a breathless moment they parted and held each other. Roy planted a kiss on her cheek and then whispered in ear.
"Sounds like a plan."
This is my first fanfic in... five years maybe? I've been reading too much Roy / Riza stuff lately, so figured I'd throw my hat in the ring. You can contact me at annepackrat@NOSPAMearthlink.net (removing the NOSPAM part of course). I'm pretty much Anne Packrat everywhere from cosplay.com to Fuku, to fanfiction.net
Thanks to my husband, Ryan Mathews for starting this whole anime fanfic thing.
Thanks to the creators of FMA both manga and anime.
And Thanks to you for reading.
-Anne Packrat (April 7, 2006)