Brendon is on the bandwagon of fame, but Ryan can't stand it anymore. (One - Shot)*Rydon/Ryden*
“If all our life is but a dream…” Brendon sings as the crowd dies down from cheering after I said, “Our next song is Northern Downpour!”
“For diamonds do appear to be” Brendon pauses and throws it to the audience,
“Just like broken glass to me.” The thousands of boys and girls sing.
By the middle of the song, he throws me a smile. I give my best attempted smile back as I sing, “Sugar cane in the easy morning.”
By the time the concert ends, we make our way to the side of the building to say hello to some of the fans. Some of their faces screaming in enjoyment, others drowning in happy tears. I give out my best smiles for photos, my best signatures for the young 14 year old’s arms. I see old faces and some brand new ones… too bad at this point I feel so out of tact about everything.
Zack says, “Alright guys time to come in!”
The crowd of kids that probably spent hours in line all say, “awwww” almost in perfect unison.
I give my last waves and hugs to the kids.
We then make it to the green room, just to hang out for about an hour till we officially leave. I look over to Brendon; he’s fiddling with something a fan gave him. It looked to be a small paper box, paper ribbon falling to the sides. Inside, there was a necklace made of paper, the different colored loops all chaining together to make something out of nothing.
He then crumpled up the box, along with the paper necklace, and tossed it in the trash. To see his face going from bored, to confused, to disgusted, to totally passing it off, made me fucking sick. He never gave a shit about the fans, but this, this was low. The whole fame thing got into his head and stuck. I wanted to walk right up to him and tell him how much of a jerk he was, but I didn’t. I was too afraid to just admit the truth to him. I felt like he wouldn’t bother to listen to someone like me. Sometimes I wish I could help him. He was just stuck on this bandwagon of fame, I mean seriously, doesn’t anyone live an original life? Well, he certainly didn’t.
It was the next day and we made our way down to the beach. Brendon somehow managed to stick with me, why? I didn’t know.
The sun was now setting. Zack, Spencer, and Jon made their way back to where we were all staying. I wanted to go with them, but somehow Brendon dragged me in. I mean, if he just didn’t talk, if he just didn’t act like the world revolved around him, I might have actually wanted to stay in the first place.
Brendon and I run down to where the water just barley reached the sand. We both sit there, looking out into the horizon. If he was still the man I thought he was in the beginning, I swear this could have been romantic.
He then starts talking about the concert, about the fans, about the fame. I didn’t want to listen to anything he said, I really… didn’t.
It had been not even 3 minutes and he just starts talking shit like he knows everything. The thing about Brendon is, he will say all these things, but when he knows not even what’s right can hear him, he tells me just everything running through his head: lying or not. I don’t want him to keep talking; I want him to stop, because at this point, I just knew, I was never getting the old Brendon back.
Tears threatened to drop down my face, but I tried my best to hold them back. I just don’t understand why I fell for someone as selfish; as greedy, as he is. I wanted to tell myself I didn’t like him anymore, but that wasn’t true. I think that’s what made me hurt the most: The fact that I couldn’t run away from something I just couldn’t handle anymore.
I let out a small snuffle unintentionally, not like Brendon would care if I cried.
Strange thing is… he notices.
“Everything alright?” He says in his way too common I-Could-Care-Less tone.
“You have no idea.” I say.
He sits there silently as the end of a wave manages to catch our feet. The water is cold: just like Brendon’s goddamn heart.
I then speak up, realizing I might just have some sort of courage to say something to him, “Have you ever heard of second chances? Have you ever come to think that what you say or do might affect other people?”
“What are you trying to say?” He gets out, confused more or less.
His tone chips away at my insides, aggravating me. Without another thought I mock his comments and actions into one, just trying to make him realize at least something,
“Do you ever think of what it would be like to have it all?”
He looks all high and mighty as he says, “I do have it all.”
“When you disappear, they won’t remember your name, and you’ll fade away, just like I did.” The sentence almost forces out of me, and it’s nothing but the truth. Brendon takes all the glory, takes all the pride. I started Panic! At the Disco, and he just rips what I wanted right out of my hands: to be noticed, to be famous. I have grown used to it, which is why I feel better away from it all.
“Is that how you feel?” Brendon speaks up.
I give out a small fake laugh. Oh Brendon… it’s not like you’re going to catch on.
I could hear Brendon give out a long deep, almost aggravated sigh. He practically explodes as he says, “Are you jealous of me? Are you just taking this out to make me feel bad that I’m living the life?”
At this point, what’s there to hold back, the fake smile resides quickly, “I don’t even know you anymore.” I still don’t dare look in his eyes, he doesn’t deserve it.
“How have I changed, Ryan?”
Sometimes there’s no such thing as secrets in a bitter argument, there’s no such thing as holding anything back either, “I fell in love with Brendon Urie the minute I met him. That Brendon appreciated everything the fans gave him. How me and him were against the world, and now, how he just follows it around trying to be just like it.” My voice goes low as I start to say behind grinding teeth, “Selfish, greedy, spoiled, inconsiderate.”
“I don’t even know who that Brendon is anymore.” I thought of the memories now, my eyes wanted to push out the sore tears. I finally give up and stare into the chocolate pools of his deep never ending eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me Ryan?”
How much you wanna bet that you still don’t give a shit, Urie.
My heart aches as well as my growing anger. I don’t want to be here anymore. I rub hard down on my arm, at least having something I can throw my feelings at… even though I had been cutting for the past three months. This man was destroying my life and he slowly just made me destroy my own.
I kept on rubbing down on my arm. Not realizing this was the one I recently slit. I winced out in pain slightly as the blood started seeping from the long slit down my arm. I tried to keep my hand over it; he didn’t need to see this. Smooth move on my part, then again, in a bitter argument with just with one other person, what was there to hide? The scars on my arm were just the calls of desperation to find that relief from everything. As a teen, I knew it never let me down. Why I stopped, hell, I shouldn’t have. Being dead right now would be just so fucking perfect.
I could see Brendon’s eyes are now looking at my arm.
“What is that?” He says. I couldn’t tell if he actually cared at this point.
“Nothing.” I say, almost involuntarily.
“Hey, Ryan tell me what you are trying to hide, what are you covering up, dude?”
I feel already annoyed and defeated. I didn’t want him to see this, but if it even changed him at all as a person, I was willing to take the risk.
I let my arms fall to the side revealing my still bleeding cut.
I look down at his arm now. A long skinny trail of blood ran down his light skin. I didn’t even know what to think.
“You're bleeding.” I say, almost confused, still. Why did he do this to himself?
I look back to Ryan’s face. A single tear falls from his eye.
I take his arm and just look at what he’s done. I say, “You cut yourself.” It comes out, not as a question, but not as a statement either. It was strange: he didn’t even try to pull away; he seemed weaker. I could sense his eyes just staring at me. I strangely get a nervous feeling stir in the pit my stomach, almost like guilt, as I looked into his eyes. Those glossy hazels just screamed the truth about me. I could see the pain in his eyes… I could almost feel it hitting my heart. His eyes were almost threatening me as I took in everything. There was nothing else he could have said at this point, because I just saw it. He was in love with me, but he wasn’t in love with the monster I had become. I had always had the same feelings, but I changed and for him I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know what to say or how to apologize. He had to accept my apology. He HAD to. I knew I could change now, I mean, I could find at least some way to make it up.
He keeps looking in my eyes, but I think saying sorry wouldn’t be worth it. I let go of his arm as I move in closer to him. His eyes dropped to my lips, he knew what I was going to do. He didn’t move or hesitate; maybe he would let me. I kept inching closer and closer, I knew our lips would meet and when that happens; it would be apology accepted. All and all I knew after this I would HAVE to change, even though it might be a challenge, but he would help me.
We were so close until he backed away from me and stood up. He started walking away from me, just like that. He didn’t even bother to look back. I just sat there, my heart bruised and aching. That… that was it. My eyes started watering up, I couldn’t help it. Ryan’s eyes told me everything and now I understood. I would change now for him, I would, but there was no point. I bet he wouldn’t believe me, and you know what? I know, for a fact, he probably hates me. No, I couldn’t look at him anymore. I mean what if I didn’t change? What if I didn’t and he just proved me wrong? What if I didn’t and I just forget everything and I would still be treading down on his life and he just cuts himself more? It was no use breaking his heart again. He knew what I had done, and knowing it myself, just disgusted me. I was a monster. I was a selfish, greedy, cold hearted, in considerate monster. I bet I treated everyone like shit. I bet no one else would forgive me. That’s it, I’m done. I get up to my feet and turn to face the ocean. Everyone… and everything would be better off without me.
I walked towards the water ever so slowly, just telling myself about all the vices I have committed. My feet keep on moving, my eyes glued to a never ending ocean of black. The sun had already set; my second chances… had already set. I could now feel the cold brisk water crashing against my feet, the waves making it higher and higher to my knees.
I then hear a voice, “Brendon!”
It sounds like Ryan, but I don’t look back. The waves are almost up to my thighs now. God, it must have been my imagination. Don’t fall for it Brendon… just don’t. I then hear the slashing of water behind me and a,
“What do you think you’re doing you son of a bitch?!?”
I could see Ryan, the actual Ryan around me now; his hands pushing back on my chest. I fumble back and keep on going till the smaller waves are barley touching the shore. I collapse on the sand as Ryan’s body falls on top of mine. We are both breathing heavily. I didn’t believe it, he came back for me. He just looks into my eyes, mad and worried all at the same time, his beautiful hazels once again screaming the truth. I don’t even know anymore as I get out, “I love you…” in a small desperate whisper, because it was true and right now… how else would I apologize?
“What?” he says more surprised than confused. His voice almost telling me that it wasn’t enough. Out of that guilt of almost drowning myself and the fact that he actually CARED about my life I get out, “I love you Ryan. I’m so sorry about all of this. I understand now, I can change, I promise, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-” I almost feel like crying again, but I see his expression change as he says, “Shut the fuck up and kiss me.”
I prop an elbow in the sand as I make my way up and put a hand behind his head. His lips crash hard against mine as I fall back down on the sand. We keep kissing and kissing. Not even the cold ocean water interferes. The way his lips crashed hard against mine, the way he held me tight, I knew that was my apology accepted. At this point I couldn’t back out now. I couldn’t let him go, and if I truly loved him and cared for him, it was my time now to change and to keep him for the rest of my days.