She smiles sadly. “I know, but you love him more.” Lyn-z is tired of being second best, although it kills her, she knows she has to let him go...
“See ya later Gee!” Frank Iero, my closest friend in the entire world wraps his little arms around me for a brief moment, whispering the words in my ear, his cool breath making my pale skin tingle. He releases me all too soon, I wished he hadn’t let me go at all.
I instantly feel guilty for thinking that, he was happy with Jamia and I was more than happy with Lyn-z. But I just was unable to help it if some days all of those long ago memories came flooding back to me, poisoning all of my rational thoughts once again.
I can feel Mikey string at me, his intense gaze feeling as though he was actually burning holes in the back of my jacket. I knew without looking what his expression would be like. Stern and slightly disappointed. Curious and hopeful.
He was the only person who knew how I really felt about Frank all of those years ago; he hadn’t been too pleased with me when I had married Lyn-z. I swear that to this day he still felt sure that I loved him just as much as I had back then. Even though I didn’t. I mean, obviously I didn’t, I was married and I had a baby daughter whom I cherished. I only loved Frank as a friend, or a brother. Or so I kept trying to tell myself, and kept trying to force myself to believe.
“Bye Frankie,” I force a smile at my dark haired, hyper best friend and turn away, not glancing back at him once as I exit the studio, feeling physically and mentally exhausted.
It was around half past eight when I returned home from the studio that cool October evening. The traffic had been bad, most people choosing to go by bus or car as opposed to walking, especially since the dark, cold nights were quickly drawing in. The trees were almost completely shed of their leaves; the last few that remained were the same shades of beautiful reds and golds as those that littered the concrete paths and roads. A lone bird was sat, perched on a bare tree branch, trying to shelter itself from the nippy wind.
Autumn had always been a favourite season of mine; it was the time of year when everything changed. The once bright green, fresh leaves died and were blown away, their colours faded and yet still pretty. The warmth and brightness of summer left us, replaced by cooler temperatures, and darker nights, and talk would soon be of Christmas. I had always loved this time of year; the changing of the seasons had always been something that fascinated me, even from a very early age. It just proved something that I already was fairly certain off, that all things that once were beautiful and great, had to one day wither and die.
Most would find this to be a rather scary thought for a child to have, but I didn’t worry about that or bother about it. Death, like life was all part of nature, something that one day had to happen. Everything has to change at someone, it is only right. People had to change as well; otherwise we would never grow and learn new things, or meet new people and learn to love. And of course, something that went hand in hand with love, pain and moving on. I would know about that only too well.
Things changed, it could be good or bad, but there was no stopping it, no matter how hard you fought. Things changed and all we could do as humans was to accept that and move on.
It was at very young age that I realised that change, was the only constant.
I knew something was up as soon as I entered the house. It was quiet, far too quiet to be our house. There was always some kind of noise, be it background music or the television talking to itself or Bandit laughing and playing with her toys.
But not tonight.
I shrugged my black, leather jacket off and slung it over the hook in the hall, kicked off my boots and went to find out what was going on. I knew that Lyn-z was home, the sitting room lights were on, as was the heating.
“Gerard, can you come in here please?” my loving wife`s voice echoes through the deserted hallway, sounding much quieter than usual, and almost croaky. If I didn’t know her better I would have sworn she was crying or had been.
Lyn-z`s beautiful soft hair was tangled and all on end, from running her trembling hands through it. Her body was still shaking slightly, a forced, pained smile that came out as more of a grimace was on her perfect face. Her make u was all smudged, her black eyeliner dripping down from her eyes, staining her cheekbones along with her tears. Her painted nails were bitten right down-a habit she always chastised Bandit for, who was nowhere to be seen.
“Lyn…Lyn-z…”I breathe, too stunned to say anything else, and not at all sure what to make of this odd, unnerving situation.
“Gee…Gerard…” she sighs, reaching out a trembling hand, beckoning me with it to come closer. But I can’t, I am rooted to the spot, too confused and worried about what she was going to do or say to me. It obviously had to be something terrible, otherwise she would not look so upset. I couldn’t ever remember seeing her look like this before; she was a very strong, brave woman.
“Lyn…what is wrong? Where’s Bandit?” I finally mange to speak after a very tense, and deafening silence. She doesn’t meet my eyes, fiddling with her pale, shaking hands she speaks.
“Bee`s at one of her friends, I didn’t want her here for this.” My wife explains, still not looking at me.
“I… what, why?” I was confused; she wasn’t making sense at all.
Lyn-z beckons me forward again and this time I close the distance between us and sit next to her on the charcoal leather sofa. It felt like I had walked a marathon by the time I had sat down, instead of the metre and a half.
“I know Gerard…” she says, more fresh tears welling up in her eyes. “I know how you felt…how you still feel…about him…about Frank,”
My jaw drops, and my hazel eyes widen with shock and fear. How could she know, I had kept it well hidden, I had tried to forget my previous feelings, tried to deny them. I had tried my damndest to move on and love her and only her. I had clearly failed miserably.
“Y-you`ve got it all wrong!”I shout, trying to defend myself, trying to make her believe me. Even though I didn’t believe myself.
Lyn-z shakes her head, glossy dark hair falling forward to hide her beautiful face from me. I slowly reach out with a trembling hand and stroke it away, keeping it pressed against the side of her face, my thumb gently, tenderly wiping away her freshly fallen, salty tears.
“I know Gee….I know you lie.” She raises her hand and places it on top of mine, her thumb and forefinger rubbing soft circles over it. Her gentle touch usually soothes me, comforts me, but today it has no effect on e whatsoever. In fact is does the opposite, it burns, I want to snatch m hand back it hurts so much. And it wasn’t even her, it was me, all me.
“I know that you…loved him, that you still do.” she looks me in the eyes, raising her head slowly so that our eyes meet. I cannot imagine what she must see in mine, shame and denial, my weak tears threatening to escape, tasting of salt, pain and guilt.
Was there even any point tying to deny it anymore? She knew. I think bitterly to myself, wondering how on earth my life had become so complicated. I did love Lyn-z. I would be a fool not to. She was kind and loving, smart and talented. And not to mention breathtakingly beautiful. But then Frank was, well…Frank.
He was crazy and hyper. He acted like a five year old child high on candy most of the time, but he had a huge heart. And he was always there for me; he was there throughout the bleak, dismal self destructing times, the times when I wasn’t even sure who or what I was anymore. I would be a fool not to have fallen in love with him too.
“L…Lyn-z…I-I`m so sorry, I-“
“I know Gerard.” she forces out a smile, it was a little more convincing than her last, but it did not meet her eyes, that were surrounded by watery black and tears, which her dark locks had begun to stick to.
“I do love you Lyn, and I have always been faithful and I would never dream of ever-“
“I know. But it isn’t enough is it, I`m not enough.”
I was…stunned to say the least. Where was this all coming from? Surly she was going to scream at me in a minute or throw something, cursing my name at the same time.
“I love you so much Gerard…and I know that you do love me,” she looks at me as though for reassurance of some kind.
I nod once, crimson locks falling into my eyes, tears spilling over.
“But I also know that you still love him,” I shake my head, but it was not out of denial, it was pure disbelief. “And I know that Frank loves you Gerard.”
I shake my head rapidly, eyes impossibly wide with surprise. “He-“
“I know he does, you only have to look at his face whenever he talks to you, his entire face lights up and his eyes smile.”
“Lyn-z, I -“
“Which is why…”she takes a deep breath to steady herself, tying to mentally prepare herself for the hardest thing she has ever had to do or say in her life, and the most painful. “I am letting you go.”
“WHAT!?” I yell shocked.
“I am letting you go Gerard.” I open my mouth to speak but she raises a hand to stop me. “It is not right that you should be unhappy with someone you do not love completely. And although I love you with all of my heart Gerard Way, I know that you deserve better, more than what I can offer you. True love.”
“Lyn-z, I do love-“
She smiles sadly. “I know, but you love him more.” A last, single tear falls from her eyes. “And you deserve total happiness Gee, as does Frank, Jamia and I. it is not fair that you and Frank should be unhappy when there is someone you love more. And it is also not fair that I and Jamia are married to people not fully in love with us.”
I saw her painted red lips moving but was unable to comprehend what she was saying. She was letting me go?
“I love you Gerard, I hope that you will be very happy with your life and I hope that I can still be a part of it.”
I nod, still too consumed by shock to fully understand what she was really saying.
“I hope you are happy too, and you will find someone much better than me one day soon, I am telling you.” I squeeze her hand lightly, breaking the horrid silence that had enveloped the room.
“I am sorry, I truly am. And I do love you, I honestly do.” she smiles sadly again, but this times it almost meets her glistening eyes.
“But it isn`t enough, is it?”