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Roger clones himself and his evil clone runs amok and kidnaps Stan. Thus prompting Francine to team up with the CIA to save him!
The Rone Wars.
by Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's disguise: Sweeps McCollum
It was a typical fall afternoon in Langely Falls. Stan has an announcement to make while they're eating breakfast.
Stan: I'm going to a party!
Steve: If there's strippers, can I come, too?
Francine: Now, Steve. Remember what Mommy said.....
Steve (disgusted): I know. No strippers until college.
Francine: So, what's this party about?
Stan: It's a CIA Tradition! Whenever a dictator dies, we have a party! We dance, have prosititutes, strippers, get drunk, pig out on fast food and listen to hard core 90's punk rock!
Francine: What dictator died?
Stan: Where have you been? Living in K-Fed's toilet? We're celebrating Mohmmar Kahdafi's demise!
Hayley: You? Party? HA! That'll be the day!
Stan: Shut the hell up, Hayley! Go play in the traffic with Jeff!
Hayley: Say, where's Roger?
Steve: Last I saw he's been looking up Ripley's 'Believe it Or Not' on Youtube. He wouldn't shut up about something called a 'Painful Pilgrimage'.
Stan: The Jack Palance one, or that crappy one with Dean Cain?
Francine: Who knows with him.
Roger walks out of the attic as Stan tries to look for him. Roger was walking around the hall with caution. Then, after a while out of nowhere, a Chinese Man in a manservant livery comes and attacks Roger out of the blue.
Kato: Heeeeee, yaaaaaaa!!!!!
Roger: Kato! That's where you were!
Roger and Kato fight, and they strangle each other, wrestle, punch, kick, and finally Kato jumps at Roger causing him to bump into Stan accidently.
Stan (getting up): Roger! What the beep is going on here?! And who is this Bruce Lee wannabe?
Roger: Oh, this is my manservant, Kato!
Stan: You can't afford a Chinese manservant! We're in a recession!
Roger: I do have a job, remember Roger's Place?
Stan: True. Where did you get the idea for a manservant?
Roger: I watched that Green Hornet movie that Seth Rogen made. I love his movies.
Stan: He's a wannabe Kevin Smith! Get Kato out of here!
Roger: No way! I trained him to attack me when I least suspect it.
Stan: Get some kind of sick sexual pleasure out of it?
Kato: Seek Sexual Pleasure! Veddy clever geemeek!
Roger: See? He speaks Asi-glish! Hey, I just made up an ethnicity!
Stan: Get out of my way! I'm going to a party to celebrate Gadhafi's demise! We'll really celebrate when Hosni Bubarak gets the death penalty!
Later on that day, Stan was at the party at the CIA. There was fast food, alcohol, strippers, prosititutes, and loud rock music was played. The last 3 minutes of Cake's "The Distance" was playing. Then Rancid's "Salvation" started playing.
Jackson: Yeah, man! Awesome party!
Dick: I agree! Much better than the one we threw when Osama died!
Stan: Say, Dick! Good to see you dance with strippers, thought you didn't pay for strange!
Everyone was dancing and having a good time, and then Bullock came with an announcent.
Bullock: Everyone, I hate to be a spoilsport!
Music and Partying stops for a while.
Stan: What is it Bullock?
Bullock: I came to show you all this! (Holding a vial)
Jackson: What is that stuff? A sperm sample?
Bullock: Nope, our top scientists have prefected making a cloning liquid!
Stan: Outstanding sir. We're not going to do that Dolly the Sheep beep with it, are we?
Bullock: No, it's contents are unknown. And it will remain that way, or I will have your asses on a platter! Nobody touch it!
Jackson: You can count on us, sir.
Dick: I won't touch it!
Bullock: What are you waiting for? Let's go back to partying!
Stan turns the music back on and everyone is dancing again. Meanwhile back home, Roger and his manservant Kato have been listening to the whole party.
Roger: Wanted to pick up some dirt on Stan to use against him, looks like I got more than I bargined for!
Kato: Yes! We poot clooking deeveece on him! Veddy clever geemeek!
Roger: You know, I've always wanted to clone myself! It gets lonely being the only alien here.
Kato: How about wee steel eet?
Roger: Excellent! I know where Bullock put it!
Just then Klaus walks in.
Klaus: Zey! You can't steal things from the CIA, you're an alien!
Roger: Well, Klaus, since you know about our plan, you have no choice but to join us!
Klaus: Nein! If you steal that cloning liquid, I will tell Stan and.......
Kato gets a samari sword and screams 'eeeee-awwwwwwww'! Then slices Klaus's fishbowl in half.
Klaus: Nein shyster!
Roger: Let's go get us some cloning liquid!
And with that, Roger and Kato go to the CIA to get the cloning liquid.
Roger and Kato arrive at the CIA Building.
Kato: I know how we get in!
Roger: Okay, what do you suggest?
Kato (takes out a crossbow): Zeep Line! Veddy Clever Geemeek!
Roger: Cool! You're like Data from The Goonies! Since I can't go in there, you get me that liquid!
Kato uses the Crossbow and the Zip Line to retrieve the cloning liquid and gives it to Roger, but accidently drops it, but it doesn't break.
Roger: Kato! You beephead!
Kato: Oops! Sorry! Meesed eet by that much!
Roger: You watch way too much Get Smart! Come on, let's go home before we're spotted!
Kato: We take my car!
Roger: Do you call it the Black Beauty?
Kato and Roger jump into their car and drive back home. Later on in the attic, Roger tries to drink the liquid. In a distance, Klaus witnesses the whole thing.
Roger: Ahhhh, finally! I'll get to clone myself so I can have more free time! Just like Michael Douglas in Mulitiplicity!
Kato: Oh, yes, you clone yourself! Veddy Clever.....
Roger: Yes, yes, yes, I get it! Go now!
Kato leaves as Roger drinks the cloning liquid, and then it causes an exploision that sends Roger flying 20 feet in the air. Then out of the dusty chemical cloud, a tough, powerful, muscular Roger emerges. His name is Killer Roger.
Killer Roger (laughs evilly): What'll they get a load of me!
Klaus: Oh, mein God! Roger is in big trouble now! Finally, I can have the one up on him forever when I get him in trouble for this!
Killer Roger: I will destroy Stan Smith! He's made my life miserable always telling me what to do! But first! Must get rid of that pathetic family of his! (laughs evilly).
The next day, the Smith family were watching TV.
Stan: I hate E! Entertainment! It's almost as bad as VH1 with those reality shows like Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew!
Francine: I know. All they show is Kim Kardashian's wedding!
Stan: Yeah, and Lindsay Lohan's court hearings! Though it was hilarious what happened to her father! Getting caught in a tree like that! (laughs)
Steve: Yes, and that marriage only lasted three months!
Stan: I also hate how they have these Murder Documentaries on this channel! Are they trying to be like A&E?
Just then the phone rings.
Francine: I'll get it. (talks on phone): Hello? What? Ba Ba's in the hospital? I'll be right there!
Stan: What's wrong Francine?
Francine: Ba Ba's in the hospital, I have to go see him!
Stan: What happened? Did he fart himself into a coma? (laughs)
Once Francine ran out of the house, the phone rings again, and Hayley goes to get it.
Hayley: I got it this time. (talks on the phone) Hello?
Prinicipal Lewis: Hayley, you need to get over here.
Hayley: Prinicipal Lewis? What's wrong? You know you've been on our show a lot lately.....
Prinicipal Lewis: I know, it's about your husband, Jeff!
Hayley (concerned): What about Jeff?
Prinicipal Lewis: He's cheating on you with Lisa Silver!
Hayley (angerly): He is, is he? I'll be right over!
Then Hayley runs out of the house, at Pearl Bailey High School, Killer Roger comes out of hiding in Prinicipal Lewis's closet.
Killer Roger: Spectular stunt you pulled!
Prinicipal Lewis: Okay I did what you wanted, now what?
Killer Roger (pulls out a taser): THIS!!!!
Prinicipal Lewis is tased and Killer Roger runs away and laughs hysterically. Back at the Smith House, the phone rings again.
Stan: Boy, aren't we a popular bunch!
Steve: Relax, Dad! I'll get it.
Once Steve answers the phone, it was Snot inviting him to a party.
Steve (on phone): Oh, hey, Snot! What? Cool, awesome! I'll be right over!
Stan: What is it, son?
Steve: Snot just invited me to celebrate Yom Kippur with him at the Langley Falls Synogogue.
Stan: Okay, you can go, but don't come back wanting a Bar Mitzvah! Jews can be very persuasive
Steve leaves, and Stan is all alone.
Later that day, Stan is still alone, and he sees Roger, but doesn't know he's the evil clone.
Stan: Hey, Roger. What are you up to? Looking up celebrity scandals on Twitter or Facebook?
Once Stan apporachs Roger, he turns around and growls at Stan.
Stan (screams): What the beep are you?
Killer Roger: I am an evil Roger clone! I am going to take you to Guatemala and you'll be my captive forever!
Stan: Never! I refuse to be taken to some third world country! What are you going to do? Make me a drug mule?
Then Stan tries to fight the evil Roger clone, but loses! Stan couldn't fight Killer Roger because he was too powerful for him. Then Killer Roger takes the knocked out Stan and puts him in a helocopter and flies to Guatemala. The next day, Francine notices that Stan is gone.
Francine: Kids? Have you seen Stan?
Hayley: No, not since yesterday.
Francine: Okay, did any of you kids receive a phone call? I did. Ba Ba wasn't in the hospital!
Steve: I got one from Snot saying he invited me to some Yom Kippur party. And there was no party!
Hayley: I did to! One from Prinicipal Lewis telling me Jeff was cheating on me!
Francine: There's something fishy....
Klaus: I know what happened!
Francine: Klaus, care to explain?
Klaus: Roger and that stupid manservant of his stole some cloning liquid from the CIA. Then Roger drank it and he became an evil clone and kidnapped Stan and took him to Guatemala!
Francine: Oh, no! Stan's been kidnapped! Steve! Call the CIA!
Steve: On it, Mom!
Hayley: What are you going to do?
Francine: I'm going to team up with the CIA and save my husband! Once I get through with Roger, I will kick his ass so hard, he won't be able to use his O-Ring!
As soon as Steve called the CIA, Bullock, Dick, and Jackson arrived at the door of the Smith house only to see Francine dressed like a commando.
Steve: Remember, Mom, we can't let them know an alien took their cloning liquid.
Bullock (walking into the house): We came as soon as we heard.
Francine: Stan got kidnapped by an ali......
Hayley: Uh, his black sheep cousin, Frederick!
Steve: Yes, Frederick is the one who stole your cloning liquid!
Dick: What exactly is this Frederick like?
Hayley: He was in prison for drug posession!
Steve: And rape!
Francine: He's always had it in for Stan.
Bullock: Jackson, fire up the CIA jet! We're going to Guatamala.
Francine: That's right! I'm leading this mission!
Jackson: A woman leading a CIA mission?
Francine: That's right! It's time to kick some ass!
Francine, Bullock, Dick, and Jackson all boarded the CIA jet.
Klaus: Wow! Francine looks like Rambo! She's so sexy and hot!
In an abandoned church in Guatamala, Evil Roger is torturing Stan, who's hands are tied behind his back.
Stan: Roger you son of a bitch! If I get rescued I'm going to rip your beep head off!
Evil Roger (has a can of motor oil): Let's play Three Kings! I'll be the terrorist, and you'll be Mark Wahlberg!
Stan: Hey, don't you make fun of my favorite war movies you.......
Then Evil Roger pours a can of motor oil down Stan's mouth.
Evil Roger: Good, huh?
The CIA Jet lands in Guatamala with Francine in the lead. Bullock picks up something on his Blackberry.
Bullock: A ha! Smith is there!
Francine: How can you tell?
Jackson: CIA agents have tracking devices in their badges.
They get an into an armor car from the CIA Jet and drive to the church. Then they all get weapons, machine guns and uzis.
Francine: Let's lock and load! We are going to save my husband! Ready........aim..........fire!
Just then Bullock, Francine, Dick and Jackson all fired their weapons at the church.
Evil Roger: HEY!! You don't do this to God's house!
Then Evil Roger fights back and gets a cannon he uses and shoots at them. The battle continues to go on as so, until a cross is blown up.
Stan: HELP! I'm being held against my will by a crazed clone!
Francine: Stay here, men! I'm going in!
Then Francine runs into the blown up church to see Evil Roger hovering over Stan.
Francine: Freeze, asshole!
Stan: Francine?! You came to save me!
Bullock: We're here, too, Smith!
Francine (aiming an uzi at Evil Roger): Let go of my husband!
Evil Roger: You kill me! I kill him!
Francine: You kill him, I kill you!
Evil Roger: Never! He's made my life a living hell, he won't let me watch Jersey Shore, he deprives me of my junk food and chardonnay, he doesn't like that I listen to Chris Brown and Rhianna, he tells me what to do all the time, and he doesn't approve of me liking those Paranormal Activity movies. He must pay!
Just then Evil Roger was about to kill Stan with a cannon, and then suddenly he is shot and he slips on a wine bottle and falls out of a window and plummets to his death. Out of the shadows, the real Roger and his manservant Kato are behind him. Then Evil Roger's corpse is run over by a marching band that plays "Louie Louie". Roger is dressed as a biker.
Roger: See? I told you I trained Kato to attack when I least expect it!
Francine: How did you get here?
Kato: We secretly follow you here! Veddy Clever Geemeek!
Francine unties Stan's hands and they all exit the church.
Bullock: Well done, Francine! Leading this uprising, you have just what it takes to be a CIA agent!
Francine: I used to lead uprisings when I was in prison!
Stan: I'm impressed, too, Francine! I've always thought you were the stay at home and worry type!
Bullock (To Roger): Frederick, do you realize that stealing that cloning liquid is a federal offense?
Roger: What? Thought I was the hero here!
Jackson: Francine was the hero in this!
Dick: You're going to prison, Stan's black sheep cousin!
Stan: Wait! I got a better punishment for him!
Kato: Punishment! Veddy Clever Geemeek!
Stan: Shut the beep up, Chopsticks!
Scene 9 Conclusion:
Back at Langley Falls, everyone in the neighborhood is about ready to chase after Roger.
Stan: Frederick, for stealing from the CIA and kidnapping me, you are going to be run out of town!
Roger (still dressed as a biker): Oh, come on! You got that from PCU!
Francine: I'm afraid he's serious! You deserve this!
Hayley: Here comes the angry mob now!
Steve: As Carol Anne would say, "They're here"!
Everyone in Langley Falls has torches and pitchforks. Everyone from Greg and Terry, Barb Hanson, Snot, Barry, Toshi, and their families, Buckle and Shari, and the CIA agents all chase Roger out of town.
Roger: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! NNNNNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Back home Klaus watches the whole thing!
Klaus: Yes! it's good to see Roger get in trouble! And to think I had something to do with it! Finally have the one up on that jackass alien! (types in a computer): This is going on YouTube! (laughs evilly)
Kato: Now I be your servant now, feesh! Veddy Clever Geemeek!