I ached. I ached all over. My chest, my severed wrists. My too awake eyes. My cracked, dry skin. One thing hurt most though. My head. My spinning, pounding head. It was really spinning now, reminding me of the simple fact that although he was resting with me, his head rested perfectly in the crook of my neck, he would never actually mine. I would never actually get to keep him. He was a dreamcatcher. A simple beautifully rare piece of art designed to give me pleasant dreams. But it was just a dream. It would never become a reality. A reality i desired more than anyone could ever know. His voice was my lullaby, his eyes were my stars. He was my salvation. Apart from my mother of course.
She was my world. She had raised me alone and tried her very best. All her life she has worked just for me. Three jobs at a time. Putting me through school. Sending me away every summer to go camping and meet new people. Providing me with the latest clothes and music. Giving me the best birthdays and christmases she could. Dad was present sometimes, yet he never got me a single thing. The only thing i ever got from him was his name in my mothers writing inside my birthday card. She even paid for our home alone. Every bill, every monthly rent, every piece of furniture. Everything for me. Everything by her. I owed her so much. I owed her more than she ever weanted. She only asked of me to keep one promise. That i would return home to her one day. I would keep that promise. Even if it killed me.
Sir? The nurse taps Gerard on the shoulder, startling him slightly. Could you please sit on the chair for a few minutes? We need to check on Mr Iero? She asked politely. I still wanted to slap her though. I didn't want him to move, i was more than comfortable with him right here. It was making me feel a lot better already. Before i could argue though, Gerard put a finger to my lips and sat beside the bed, keeping hold of one of my hands, stroking the palm with his delicate fingertips. Now Mr Iero. You are very lucky to be alive, there was alot of blood that you lost but luckily we were able to provide you with a blood transfusion. The nurse babbles on, gently tugging at the heart monitor machine needle that once pierced my skin. I hiss in pain and Gerard squirms in his seat, unable to look at the glistening demonic object. Sorry. She smiles apoligetically. We are going to move you to a different ward later today. One that you will share with four other people in your age group. We have also arranged for you to speak to a counsellor in a couple of days time. The nurse tells me. A counsellor? I don't want one.More to the point, i don't need one. I just want to be at home with Gerard again. 8I'm okay now though. I'm better. I just want to go home. I say and the nurse smiles sadly at me but remains silent. Silence. Why do people not say anything? I have to know what's going to happen to me. They need to let me go home, then i can make myself feel better. Me and Gerard could work together. We could do that. Frank, we all want to help you. We're just going to make you better okay? Even if you're in here for the next month i will be here every day. There is nothing for you to worry about. Really.* Gerard smiles and i suddenly feel a lot better. Even if i do have to stay here longer.
As long as he's here.
He's amazing. Why did i have Sophia for so long? I just don't understand. I never knew i could feel this way at all. Even more so for another man. But whether a woman or not, i need him. I want him to be mine. People are more accepting these days. There are more and more gay couples out there. I wouldn't want to hide regardless of the circumstances. I want to have him to keep. I want to take care of him. I want to tell everybody in this dark place we call earth that someone so amazing is actually mine. And he is the light. My reason to start again. My teacher, someone to teach me just what real love feels like. And this is real. And the feeling is indescribable.
What? I can't tell him that right now? It would destroy him. Please. Please he's so delicate. He's only been awake for forty minutes! I protest, begging the doctor to rethink his proposition. He's still broken. He's on edge now. If i tell him this, it could be fatal. It would break him even more if it's possible. How do you tell someone that the one person they have always had as their rock, the one who has done everything for them and who has cherished them unconditionally, is gone forever? And nothing could bring them back. I'm sorry son. We have to tell him now. I take a deep breath and push open the door.
Death. A strange thing to think about. A difficult concept. Do you end right there? Do you live on in another body? Do you continue growing in a new world? Reunited with every other lost soul. Is there pain? Is there any feeling? Is it black? Do you travel down through a kaliedoscope? Are you judged on every thing you lived as a human for? Are you brought back immortal? A vampire or wolf maybe. Making you stronger, bringing you back to serve a purpose. Just the way Gerard does. He has a home, a family, that woman, his career, a talent. A purpose of value. What i would give for even half of those things.
Frank? Gerards unmistakable voice cuts through my montage of suicide attempts most likely to succeed. I glance up at him. Catching his swollen face, his puffy eyes, his usually pale skin blotched and covered in patches of reds and pale pinks. He's been crying. And i know why. He wants me to leave him. Why couldn't he just tell me? More importantly, why didn't i realise he would never want to have me? A burden, a pathetic excuse of life. A failure.
Frankie. Just spit it out Gerard, i won't let you see me cry. I don't want you to feel guilty, anyone else would want me to go too. Unless i was making them money or acting as their personal punchbag and slave. Y- Your mother... My mother? Why are you talking about her? You don't know her, you only know about her because i told you. Mm s-s-so sorry. Sh-she p-pass-passed away. He blurts out. My eyes widen in horror.
You're lying! You just want me out of your life! Just tell me! Don't lie about that Gerard! You're breaking me! I scream at him, hurt that he would make something up like this right now. Kick me when i'm down. Twist the dagger that has been plunged further into my worthless heart. I'm sorry Frankie. She's gone. He sobs as he sinks to the floor. His voice just then. So full of fear and pain. Sorrow. He's not lying. I can tell by his eyes. She's actually gone. She's never going to come home again. I didn't keep my promise. I swore to her! I owed that at least to her! How could i betray her? How could i have chosen Luke over her? How come i left her alone for three whole years?
I rise from the bed slowly and shakily. I open the window out wide. Not afraid in the slightest for what i'm about to do. I'm going this time. I'm going to keep my promise. I will be with her again. I love you Mom. I can't wait to hug you again. I meant my promise. I'm coming. I whisper to myself, hoping somehow she can hear me. I get on my feet, feeling the wind wash over me. I swear i can feel her fingertips stroking my hair the way she always would when i was worried or down. I step off the ledge slowly, willing to be with her again.
Suddenly, out of nowhere strong, determind arms wrap around my waist and pull me into the chest i recognise as Gerards. We both fall to the cold floor, sobbing and clinging onto one another desperately. Seeking comfort, seeking safety, seeking a lifeline.
Thanks for reading! Sorry it's a depressing one! xxx