"I want this Frank."
“I think I’m ready,” I announce, glancing over at Frank who’s got his head resting on my shoulder.
“Sex, I think I’m ready for it now,” I answer, chewing on my bottom lip.
Frank shakes his head, a few strands of his dark hair falling in his face, “No you’re not Amber. What made you think you are?”
“I just…I don’t like that he was the last one inside me. I want it to be you. I’m ready,” I answer trying not to cry.
“Amber,” Frank comforts me. “You’re not ready. Look how scared you are.”
I’m determined. I don’t want to think about Garry being the last person who got to have me. I hate it. My skin crawls just thinking about it. If Frank does this for me, just this once, the feelings will go away.
“Frank…please, I need this,” I beg. “I don’t want to have to think about it being Garry. I want it to be you. Please Frank.”
There is hurt in his eyes, a fear that I don’t want to be there. I kiss him, hoping that because he’s a teenage guy he’ll get into it. It’s Frank; he’s not going to hurt me. There is nothing to be scared of. I take his shirt off.
“Amber, you’re not ready for this. You’re shaking, you’re scared. We don’t have to do this,” Frank says as I pull my shirt off and unclasp my bra.
“I’m ready,” I answer continuing to peel items of clothing off. I’m doing all the work. Maybe he doesn’t want me like this. “Frank please, do this for me.”
“You’re going to be scared of me,” Frank answers as he reaches for the tin under his bed, pulling out a condom and slipping it on.
“No I won’t,” I answer lying myself down on the mattress, my body still shaking.
“Amber please don’t make me do this,” Frank begs coming to hover over me, his forehead resting on mine.
“I want this Frank.”
No I don’t. I just don’t want to have to think about Garry and what he did to me and the fact that he was the last person inside of me. I hate it. I hate how scared I am right now…how close to tears I am. Why is this so scary? It’s Frank…he isn’t here to hurt me. Frank loves me. He only wants me to be safe.
“Promise me you’ll tell me if you don’t want it. If it’s too scary I need you to tell me, Amber,” Frank begs.
My eyes are closed but I nod. He’ll stop if I need him to. There is nothing to be scared of. I reach up and grab his shoulder, my lips somehow finding his. His body moves forwards, connecting with mine. Images flash through my mind…images of Garry…of that night. I can’t handle this. Frank was right, I’m not ready.
“Stop…Frank stop please,” I beg trying not to cry. I don’t want him to think I’m scared of him. It’s not Frank I’m scared of…it’s sex.
“I’m so sorry Amber,” Frank says, sitting on the opposite side of the bed. “I knew you weren’t ready.”
“I’m sorry…you’re probably about to explode,” I answer wishing he would scoot over and hug me. I don’t want him to think I’m scared.
“I’ll just have to take an extra long shower tomorrow,” Frank answers with a lopsided smile.
I laugh, “Sorry.”
“No, Ambo, don’t be sorry. I’m so scared that you’re scared of me now.”
I shake my head as I crawl under the covers, trying to keep myself warm, “I’m not scared of you Frank. You stopped when I asked you to. I’m just not ready for sex yet.”
Frank slides under the covers, “There are other ways we can be intimate. We don’t have to have sex until you’re ready.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” Frank says, moving closer to me. “For instance we can cuddle together naked if it doesn’t bother you.”
I twist my head so I can kiss Frank’s chin, “No this doesn’t bother me…just sex.”
“I’m okay with that.”
We lay in silence for a while, Frank twisting strands of my hair around his fingers. His body is warm against my back. Although it wasn’t comfortable I’m glad Frank took Garry’s place. I don’t feel gross anymore. I almost feel whole…like a piece of me has been given back.
“Thank you,” I whisper, hoping Frank is awake.
“For doing that…even though you knew I wasn’t ready.”
“Next time will you listen to me?”
“Yes…probably,” I answer sighing as Frank’s arms go around me. “I’m glad it was you though.”
“So will you tell me what Liz said?” Frank asks.
I sigh, feeling stupid for letting her drunken words get to me, “That…she asked if it upset me that Garry was the last one to….”
Frank says nothing. Instead he kisses my shoulder, rubbing his hand up and down my side causing goose bumps to rise up.
“I love you Amber.”
“I love you too Frank and one day I’ll be ready,” I answer.
“I’ll be here when you are.”
Note: Hey NaNo is done so I have time to write again. I hope you guys will still read/review this. Anyway. Hope the chapter isn't boring or whatever. It'll take me a bit to get back into the swing of writing this. :)