I can feel you beside me. Your breath is hitching, so I know you’re crying. I don’t want you to cry. I want to explain. You think that I did this. It wasn’t me, I swear. You won’t believe me, though. I know you won’t. You’ve given me so many chances already. You won’t give me anymore, even if you want to believe I’m telling the truth. I need to comfort you. Why can’t I make my hand move? I need to touch you, reassure you. Wait. You’re talking. No. Singing. What are you singing? “When the moon fell in love with the sun, he looked like he was barely hanging on. But her eyes saved his life in the middle of summer.” Damn right, they saved me. His eyes were what got me out of the downward spiral I’d been on for over half of my life. That song was about him. Everyone thought it was for Keltie. Ha. Wrong. I was not her sun and she was not my moon. No. He had called me a golden god during an interview once. He was pale, beautiful, sweet. I was the day. He was the night. The most unlikely of lovers, but lovers nonetheless. “And he said ‘Would it be alright if we just sat and talked for a little while? If in exchange for your time, I give you this smile?’” When I met him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of social interaction, really, but his stunning appearance did not help. His dazzling smile astounded me and I made an absolute fool of myself on that first day. However, that didn’t matter to him. He was so kind to me. And slowly, I began to fall in love with him. And he began to fall in love with me, I think. Although he didn’t act on it until our Nothing Rhymes with Circus tour. “So she said ‘That’s okay, as long as you can make a promise not to break my little heart and leave me all alone in the summer.” I did, though. I broke his heart. My moon. My love. Hey moon. I’m sorry. I really am. I still love you. “Well he was just hanging around then he fell in love and he didn’t know how, but he couldn’t get out. Just hanging around then he fell in love.” I fell in love. Not with Keltie, like they thought. I mean, I loved her, but not true love. Not the kind of love where you want to wake up beside them for the rest of your life and you can feel their fingers on your skin and when their gone you feel so heartbreakingly lonely… no. not that kind of love. That was how I felt about him. And I pray that at one time, he felt that way about me. Not anymore though. He couldn’t love me anymore, not after how I’d ripped his heart out of his ribcage, squeezing it as his blood ran down my arms and dripped from my elbows. I caused the destruction of Brendon Urie. That would haunt me for the rest of my life. Tomorrow, blood would be drawn. We would fight and scream and scratch and claw and bite until there was nothing left of our souls but tattered, shredded ribbons. He would stare at me with those eyes, hoping that I didn’t mean it, knowing that I didn’t mean it, but believing the acid that would spew from my mouth. That’s all it was. Acid. It’s only purpose was to try and drag Brendon down with me. I don’t know why I would do that to him. I loved him. He knew that. I knew that. But I couldn’t fall alone. So Brendon had to fall too.
Brendon knew that the effects of the drug had worn off by now and the fall had taken over. As high as he had been, he knew that the fall was going to be awful. So he sang. He couldn’t do anything else. Ryan was too far gone to be able to reply to him if he was even still awake, so Brendon sang. The song was for him, he knew that. It was also one of his favorites from Pretty.Odd. Other than Northern Downpour, of course. That one, that was their song. It was only for them to know the meaning of, no one else. Not even Spencer and Jon understood all the lyrics, and Brendon and Ryan were emphatic about keeping it that way. To know would be for the song to lose its magic. The others, they knew it was their song, but they didn’t know. He stopped singing and hummed a few bars of Northern Downpour. His favorite lyrics. I know the world’s a broken bone. But melt your headaches, call it home. Brendon stared down at Ryan, his soulful brown eyes filling with tears as he ghosted his fingertips across Ryan’s cheek. He’d almost lost Ryan tonight and that terrified him, but he didn’t know what he could do about it.
Walking away wasn’t a great option. He loved Ryan too much and it was too painful for both of them when they weren’t together. He knew that this would have to end eventually, but not tonight. Ryan would never admit he’d done wrong and Brendon would never say he was sorry. They were perfect for each other. Not quite soul mates, but close. Brendon yearned to stretch out his hand and fit it in with Ryan’s slender fingers. They interlocked so perfectly, fitting together snugly. But he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do it. At least, that’s what he told himself as he slid his fingers between Ryan’s. They had at least one more night. Tomorrow, they would tear each other apart all over again. And as Brendon was coming to learn, you can only be torn down so many times before you can’t stand back up.