I felt like a bird stuck in a cage; no longer able to go outside and see the true light, but left to fly and think I was free.
Even once we had started to grow old and the world started to smile upon us we were inseparable. He was the only thing that kept me going everyday. We would sit under the clouds, and he would be my warming bath of sunshine. Even on the coldest days, I would always be warm next to him. The tall grass always seemed brighter when he was around, the squeaky swings always going higher when he was on one next to me. The shadows becoming longer, the time we spent together lasting hours and hours on end. The birds always sang their song, the melodies mixing sweetly with the sound of his voice, as they flew through the blue skies with the marching white clouds. It was always perfect.
And yet, everything changed.
We grew older, and while we were still as close as always, our friends grew apart. There was a strong connection between Spencer and Jon, something that had been there since the day they first met. But as they say, the stronger the flame, the faster it burns out. They never thought to take it slow, and their love suffered because of it.
Jon was the one who left, and Ryan went with him.
Spencer cried for hours, days really, and I let myself go numb. My sunshine was gone. I was always cold, shaking uncontrollably, begging for my light to come back. Everything was dark without him. I felt like a bird stuck in a cage; no longer able to go outside and see the true light, but left to fly and think I was free.
Weeks passed, and Spencer forced himself to go back to normal. But I couldn't get over it. I became broken. I'm doubtful Spencer noticed. I lived alone, spent my time alone, sitting and waiting for his call, waiting for him to tell me everything was fine.
That he still loved me.
I missed him, I wanted him next to me. I wanted to hold him. To touch him. To have him kiss me, to hug me. Wipe my tears away, and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. There was only thing I wanted more than for my light to be back; I wanted my family to be back whole again.
Three months passed before I saw him again. He sneaked into the apartment we used to share, crawling into bed with me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I woke up, freaking out while wanting desperately for him to get out. When I turned around and saw his face, his beautiful, smiling face, I felt tears form in my eyes as my heart started to break.
"Ry?" He smiled, snuggling close to me.
"I'm so sorry Brendon, I really wanted to be with you. Jon's been a wreck, I just," he started to cry. "I just love you so much. You're all I've been able to think about. I missed you so much. So so so much." I smiled at him, snuggling into his warming sunshine embrace.
"I've missed you too." I wrapped my arms around him, and we latched onto each other, crying into the others arm.
After that night we tried to see each other every week. We would chat about what Spencer and Jon were up to, how our music careers were, he would tell me how Hobo was, and I would smile, because he knew I was living completely on my own. We would have dinner; drink, and laugh, and kiss, and visit parks in the middle of the night to play like the kids we still were at heart. He would whisper how much he loved me, and I would whisper the words back, tangling my body with his. We rarely had sex, not that either of us were complaining. The only thing that mattered was having the other by our side.
And for a month, it worked. But Spencer was needy, always finding ways to ruin our secret plans. After all, I had to try to fill the void Jon had left. It left us to agreed on every two weeks. Which worked great, until Jon had managed to find enough people to start the band he and Ryan had been hoping for. From there, it was only once a month, and I could feel us growing apart.
Not too long after, Spencer had decided it was time for us to put out another album. And we saw each other even less. I thought of my sunshine every day, knowing that there would always be clouds in the sky without him. We hardly saw each other. We hardly got a chance to talk. In no time at all, we became just as broken as Spencer and Jon. A fact that left me feeling cold and alone.
I hardly ever see him now. It's just an empty void where he usually slept. A cold, dark void. I suffered in silence as Spencer continued to act the way he had before he met Jon. Happy, but in a dim and false way. I did little things when I was alone to help destruct myself, knowing very well how much Ryan would disapprove.
He promised to see me this week, the first time in what feels like years. Though, I'm sure it's only been a few weeks. Five maybe? Or was it six? I closed my eyes. It didn't matter how long it had been since the last time. The important thing is that I get to see him again. See his smile, hear his laugh, feel his warmth, and the taste of his lips, always enough to keep me pressing.
I spent the day with Spencer. I felt trapped when I was with him. He was celebrating the date that Jon left. Two years. Two fucking years with a broken family. I miss the days when Panic! could be called a family. Now we're just two friends making music. And I can't help but wonder what Spencer would think if he knew that I was writing about Ryan. He would probably be disappointed in me. Maybe he would cry, and curse, and think back to Jon, and wish for the days when things were always bright. Because they'll always be dark without our mates. I'm pretty sure Spencer is starting to learn that.
The worst part of feeling trapped in a room with Spencer? Seeing his hopeless eyes. The indifference on his face. The light shining on his dull eyes as he speaks in a voice that shows just how little he cares. The memories fade with his smile. It seems that we hardly ever smile. It's something that I miss. Hell, it's one of the things I miss most.
It's past time for Ryan to be here, and I'm still alone. I told a drunk Spencer not to bother me, muttering that I would be out of the house to visit a sick friend. The worst part was telling that to the only sick friend I have. I've waited longer than I ever have had to in the past, and there's a growing feeling in the pit of my stomach that says he won't come. That he was lying the whole time.
The tables set for two, his favorite type of champagne, spaghetti, salad, my lazy cooking that he always seems to love. I close my eyes and smile, telling myself that he's going to come, that it wasn't a lie. That I'll get to see his smiling face, his bright eyes, those soft rose petal lips of his. That I'll get to hear his voice, his laugh, his moans, his groans, his pants; that he loves me. It seems that no matter how many times he says it, it still always feels like the first time. I realize how much I love him back, how much I missed him in the ever growing gap of time we've been apart, how much more I want him to say it to me everyday. Over and over and over again. And most recent; when he says those words, I feel a growing disdain for the two people who tore us apart. For our brothers.
My eyes snap open at the sound of a soft knock at the door. Three times with a small pause before the fourth. I know he can hear me running to the door, and when the wood is tossed open I know that he was laughing at me. His thin pink lips are tugged in a smile, his jacket covers his arms, his messy chestnut hair falling in his hazel eyes. There's always a sense of loving him more and more as the gaps grow longer. Every time I see him after more than a month I feel as if I were seeing him for the first time; breathless in the wake of his stunning beauty.
I grab him by the scarf around his neck, forgetting to say hello as my lips crash against his while I pull him inside. He chuckles, tossing his arms around my neck. My smile grows wide, and I can feel his sunshine warming my empty heart. I move my lips against his, and he gives a soft moan before pulling away.
"Missed you, too." He mumbles and I blush, never losing my smile. I start to tug him over to the kitchen, and he's smiling and laughing at my childlike actions. I can tell by the sound that he knows he's making my heart flutter, that his subtle actions are driving me mad.
"I made you dinner." I say proudly, and he kisses my cheek, his long and calloused fingers brushing my jaw.
"Oh really? Am I gonna see scorch marks in the kitchen?" His smiles still intact, his eyes laughing at me. I protest anyway.
"That was one time!" I throw my arms in the air, and he kisses me again. I love the taste of his lips. I wish I could keep him against me forever. He pulled away.
We ate dinner and got caught up, like always, and he had almost the whole bottle of champagne himself. Not that I would protest in the least. It never was my favorite, in fact, I never really liked it much at all. So I drank something different. In no time at all we were both beyond drunk, sitting on the couch with our arms wrapped around each other.
He was on top, his hands running up and down my abs as he bit and sucked at my collar bone. I was left breathless, my head tilted back as I gave soft moans, one hand gripped in Ryan's soft chestnut hair while the other held his hip against my own, grinding into him. Our movements were sloppy, but it had been to long for either of us to care. I just wanted to feel him against me. To have him warm my body, and hold me tight.
His lips moved down my chest, leaving butterfly kisses wherever he pleased. One of his hands sank down, gripping my belt as he brought his lips back up to mine. I gave in to the taste, moving my lips against his as he started to undo my pants. There was a soft knock at the door, and he pulled away, our heads moving so our eyes could scan the door.
"B?" Ryan questioned, looking down at me. I smiled at him, watching as his pearly whites bit his bottom lip. I ran my hand through his hair before gripping it again, tugging at it slightly as I stared into his brilliant eyes.
"Don't worry sugar, I'm not expecting anyone other than you." He smiled, and I kissed him again. He ran his tongue across my bottom lip, biting it and pulling it ever so slightly. I gave a soft moan at the feeling, tightening my grip in his hair. His tongue slipped in my mouth, and we battled for the dominance we both knew he would win. Or, at least he would, if it weren't for the sound of a scream coming from the door.
We pulled apart wide eyed, staring at Spencer who stood in the door way. "You're FUCKING HIM?" He screamed, his face turning red with rage. Ryan blushed like mad, quickly getting off of me. He started to search for his shirt and scarf as I tried to calm Spencer down.
"We were just...catching up?" Spencer glared at me.
"Urie, are you forgetting the fact that he killed us?" Disbelief. "He's the reason my Jon left me!" Tears. "And you fucking promised never to see him again!" Rage.
"How could I honestly promise that Spence? I love him more than I love myself!" Spencer stared at me for a moment before running, he tackled me, and we both fell to the ground. He was punching, and screaming and crying, and I had no choice but to fight back to the best of my abilities.
"You promised!" He cried, hitting me once more.
"I'm sorry Spencer! I'm fucking sorry!" I was crying with him, but he was more angry than sad. I was simply desperate to wake up from the nightmare I was in. He got up, kicking me once, his hair falling in his tear stained face.
"You know what? I don't even care!" He was walking towards the door. "Just know that I never want to see you again." My jaw dropped and I stared at him with what had to be a terrified expression. He couldn't possibly mean that, could he? I was his closest friend. The only one he could always talk to.
"Spencer." I begged him to look at me before he left. He didn't turn to see me crying.
"Never. Again." He slammed the door behind him, and I winced at the sound.
That single door closing could be such a metaphor for a million things to follow.
I got up, brushing myself off as I searched the room for my light. "Ryan?" I wandered around my apartment, desperate for some sign of life. "Ry? Are you there?" I continued looking, begging in my head to find the only person that could clean me up and put me back together. In my heart I must have known; it was so dreadfully cold and dark. "Ryan, I need you."
I don't know...It might end up having more than just this one little bit, but I'm not sure. I just really wanted to get an update out here. So it might not be good. I don't know, I'm tired. Think I'm going to try and get some sleep or something.