Love is never easy. Especially not when the one you love loves the one you hate.
My teeth are clenched and my hands are balled into tight fists but I try to keep my face from turning red. The last thing I need is to walk out of here and have someone asking me what I'm worked up about this time. I try to exhale as my anger comes to a boil but my breath passes through my clenched teeth and comes out as a hiss.
I stop pacing and slam my fists down onto the makeup counter causing multiple bottles of hairspray and eyeliner to either shake or fall over and roll onto the floor. I ignore the possible collateral damage and flip the bleached hair out of my face as I glare at the jealous blond mess in the mirror. Stage makeup has run and smeared across my face, my nearly platinum blonde hair is tangled and tousled in every direction, and my eyes have practically turned green with envy. My knuckles go white as I clutch at the edge of the counter and my face is becoming visibly redder.
I release my grip on the wood of the counter and grab the closest object that my shaking fingers can grab. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!" I scream as I throw what ends up being an ashtray at the blond in the mirror with as much force as I can muster. The glass shatters on impact and falls everywhere. My knees give out beneath me and I drop onto the concrete floor while pulling at my hair.
Warm tears of rage and self pity stream down my face ruining my makeup further. I rock myself back and forth while I attempt to steady my breathing and rapid pulse. Why does this keep happening? I keep getting worked up over this and it's just tearing me apart. Sobs erupt from the depths of my chest and shake my frame as I cradle my head in my hands.
What's wrong with me? Oh wait I know. HE's what's wrong with me. HE's the reason I keep breaking down for no god damned reason. HE's the reason that I'm such an emotional wreck. HE's what I want and can't have. And worst of all HE belongs to someone else.
This is so fucked up and it's killing me. He's the only man I've ever wanted and I can't ever have him. He's sweet and fun and loving and gorgeous and sexy and so many other things that I want in a person. He's fucking perfect. I love everything about him. I love his dirty mind, his sense of humor, and that lanky figure that he somehow manages to make look fantastic.
I love the way his jawline slopes, the way his long curly hair sticks to his forehead after a show, the way he licks his lips in between sentences. I love it all. He's perfect. But of course that stupid whore got a hold of him first. He let his dark mysterious demeanor capture that angel of a man that has me breaking down on this dressing room floor. That bitch didn't even have to lift a damn finger to draw Tommy in. He just sat back and let the beautiful drummer come right his way out of sheer curiosity.
I pull my knees against my heaving chest and inhale deeply as more tears collect in my eyes. Why did he have to fall head over heels for Sixx? What the fuck has that bitch got that I don't? Why couldn't Tommy have fallen for me? Why does he have to be wrapped so fucking tightly around Nikki's finger? Why can't I just have a chance to show him that I could be way better to him than Sixx ever could?
I sigh shakily and bite my lip in a vain attempt to stifle my sobs. Eventually I pull myself to my feet and turn to look into the mirror. Shit never mind I broke that. I sigh impatiently as my tears begin to dry and look for something to clean my face with. I grab a towel off of the floor and use it to wipe the smeared, caked up makeup off of my face.
Once I'm pretty sure I look presentable enough to walk out to my car I grab my belongings and step out of my dressing room. I quickly make way my down the hall but I'm stopped dead in my tracks by the sound of soft voices. I thought everyone would have left by now. I take a few steps back and try to find the source of the murmurs. When I find the room that they're coming from I tip toe as close as I can to the door and listen.
"But that's just it baby I don't think I can trust him," I glare into the door at the sound of Nikki's voice. "Don't worry about it Nik. He's got his head too far up his own glittery ass to even notice me," my heart skips a little when I hear Tommy's voice but it sinks immediately when I realize that they're talking about me.
"But baby he keeps watching you like some kinda heartbroken puppy. I think he's got a thing for you babe," Nikki says with a few laughs thrown in. I drop my head as I feel more tears prick at the corners of my eyes. "Well don't worry baby because I'm all yours and I'm not going anywhere. I wouldn't leave you for anyone, let alone Vince," I try to keep my sobs under control as more tears collect in my eyes.
I hear movement from behind the door and I try to get my legs to walk me outside but I'm frozen where I stand. I hear soft sighs and moans come from the room and I can feel my heart being ripped out with every little noise. "I love you Nikki. Happy Valentine's Day," I hear the drummer say to his lover before I stagger away from the door with tears blurring my vision.
I drop my things and rub at my eyes with the back of my hand as I suppress the sobs that I can feel building up inside of me. When I can see clearly again my usual bicthy nature takes hold of my mind. Who needs love anyway. Fuck this stupid holiday. And fuck that stupid angel that I fell for.