Gerard is home alone in the apartment that night. Frank, his boyfriend, had gone away to his relatives. Franks cousin was turning 22 years that day. Frank had had big troubles with leaving Gerard all alone, considering that Frank knows that Gerard is deeply depressed at the moment. Frank also knows that Gerard has been close to killing himself a several times. And Frank doesn’t even appreciate spending his time with his relatives, or his family at all, they don’t know that he’s gay. Both of his parents are extremely homophobic, that’s why Frank has decided not to tell them anything about it.
But Gerard feels so alone.
He hates to be alone, he needs someone with him right now. His best friend Lindsey isn’t there with him either, she’s at some party somewhere. Gerard had called her earlier that evening but Lindsey had seemed to be way too drunk and way too uninterested in what Gerard had to tell her.
Gerard can feel how he starts to loose the hope. He picks up his phone from the table in the living room and calls Frank.
“Gerard, hi! I’m so glad you’re calling, you can’t imagine how boring it is over here. I miss you. How are you now by the way, any better?” Frank talks extremely fast in the phone, like as if he’s nervous or something.
“It’s still just shit, nothing has changed. But, Frank, if you’re having such a boring time over there, why won’t just leave and come back here? I feel alone. And you know, we could cuddle,” Gerard told him with excitement in his voice when he said that last part. Gerard was hoping that Frank would get all excited and drive home, right away.
“Gerard, trust me, I’m trying to get outta here as much as I can. But my mother is so irritating and won’t let her sight off of me and she’s trying to make me sleep here tonight.”
Gerard sighed deeply in disappointment, he needed his boyfriend now and not only over the phone but in person. “Hey, don’t worry babe, I won’t stay here, that’s like fucking suicide. I’ll come home, as fast as I can.”
Gerard sighs deeply once again. Gerard knows that Frank needs to be there tonight, but at the same time he needs him so much right now, he feels so goddamn alone. Gerard needs to hear someone’s voice and feel safe, something Frank always can do.
“I know, Frank, I know that. It’s just that I get so scared when I’m all alone and I’m so depressed now and-”
“I’m more than aware of that you’re deeply depressed now Gee,” Frank interrupts his boyfriend. “But, Gerard, you need to promise me that you won’t do anything you’ll regret later,” Frank tells him. Gerard sighs. “Gerard! Promise me that!”
“And what kinda thing would that be?”
There’s an awkward silence in the phone. Neither of them says a word. But after a long silence Frank sighs deeply.
“Well for example, using drugs.”
Gerard knows exactly what Frank means. Drugs are a well known subject between the two of them.
“Frank, I’ve been using drugs a few times and I-”
“Gerard, not just a few times! You were fucking addicted to drugs!”
“Alright, I’ve been addicted to drugs. But I’m over that now. I regret every single time I’ve been using drugs, I’m so ashamed of myself. I wish I could have it undone, but I can’t. Done is done. I promise you, Frank, I’ve stopped, I’m different now.”
Frank sighs. “Yeah, I really hope you’re telling me the truth. Because if you’re not-”
“Frank, you have to trust me!”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, because I do, I really do. I trust you more than I trust myself sometimes. It’s just that I know how you can get when you’re depressed.”
Gerard knows that Frank is right, and he’ll fight all he can tonight. He can’t let Frank down, he just can’t.
“Can you at least wait to do anything stupid and reckless till I come home?” Gerard sighs. “Can you please promise me that, Gerard?”
Gerard sighs even deeper and knows that he has to tell Frank that he won’t do anything. Otherwise this phone call will last forever. Frank is not the person who gives up. Gerard also knows that he can’t promise Frank such a thing, because Gerard is so close to hurt himself right know, but he has to tell Frank that promise.
“I promise,” Gerard finally says quietly and Frank sighs in relieve.
“Good. Just take it easy now, and we’ll be together in an hour, okay baby?”
Gerard sighs deeply and breaths an even deeper breath.
They hang up and Gerard puts his phone on the table in the living room again. He sits down on the sofa and sweeps a warm quilt around his body, but in that very second someone knocks at the door. Gerard sighs and stands up from the sofa and walks out to the hall, with slow steps. He was hoping that Frank was already here, but he knew that Frank’s cousin lived at least half an hour from here, so that was just imagination. When Gerard pushes down the door knob and opens the door he just stands there, staring right in front of himself. Gerard’s in shock. A hand touches his shoulder.
“Gerard, are you okay?”
Gerard snatches away the hand from his shoulder and walks back three steps. All the memories are flashing in his mind. It’s like a rapid movie with all his memories. He feels the pain grow bigger and bigger inside.
“Don’t touch me, Bert,” Gerard warns him with a dark voice. But Bert just ignores the warning and walks closer to Gerard. “Don’t come any closer!” Gerard shouts at the black-haired man, who sighs in return.
“Gerard, please. All I want is to talk.”
Gerard looks suspicious at him and raises an eyebrow. That is so not like Bert. Bert does not come to anyone to just talk.
“What do you want?” Gerard asks him.
“Like I just said, I came here to talk with you, Gee.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“But I always used to call you that. Why can’t I call you that now?” Bert raises an eyebrow and looks questioning at Gerard. And Gerard sighs, staring down at the floor.
“Well, for example. We´re not together anymore. You were the one who ended our relationship. Remember?” Gerard sighs again, still staring down at the floor, shaking his head slowly. “And after 7 months you decide to just come here and talk. Just like that? Why? I wanna know why. I wanna know why I don’t hear a single word from you in 7 fucking months, but then you show up here for no reason.”
Bert just nods and smiles widely.
“I’ve realised what a big mistake I made when I acted like I did. I mean, I loved you. I still do. I can’t move on, I just can’t. I’ve tried, but it’s nearly impossible. Gerard, I’m sorry.” Bert walks even closer to Gerard, who doesn’t even seem to notice. Bert takes Gerard’s hand in his own and Gerard looks up from the floor to just stare at Bert. Bert walks one more step closer to Gerard and looks him right in the eyes. Bert places his other hand on Gerard’s neck, pressing his lips to Gerard’s thin lips. As soon as Gerard notices, he violently rips himself off from Bert’s grip.
“You hurt me,” Gerard says as his voice breaks and his eyes are starting to become wet. Gerard looks down at the floor again, breathing slowly.
“Gerard, it was never my intention to-”
“And unlike you, I’ve moved on. You and I are history now. I’m in a relationship with someone else now. I’ve got a boyfriend. And it’s not like when you and I were together. He actually loves me for who I am, he doesn’t try to change me. Or use me,” Gerard interrupts Bert. Bert places one of his hands on Gerard’s chest and he can feel his heart beating fast.
“Do you actually believe that he loves you, Gerard?” Bert asks Gerard seriously. Gerard looks up at Bert with sadness and anger in his eyes. “Seriously. Who could possibly love you?” Bert continues. Gerard can feel how the anger grows bigger and bigger and how the sadness is taking over inside of him. “You’ll have to admit that you liked it. You fucking loved what I did to you. You loved the feeling of being used, didn’t you, Gerard?” Bert continues, still with his hand on Gerard’s chest. Gerard himself just raises an eyebrow, shaking his head. “Oh, but c’mon, Gerard. You loved how I disappointed you time after time, how I cheated on you and just kept using you.”
Gerard shakes his head, he doesn’t know what to say. Bert had always been special, but Gerard didn’t think that he would take it this far. “Then why did you take me back?” Bert asks him, raises an eyebrow and kisses Gerard’s lips again. In the same second Gerard snatches away from him and walks away a few steps.
“That’s just bullshit!” Gerard yells at Bert. “I took you back, time after time, because of one goddamn motherfucking reason! I loved you. I really, really loved you. I trusted you. And I actually believed in you. I believed that you could change. But y’know what, Bert? People don’t change. That’s the lesson I’ve learned.”
Bert just smiles widely and starts to caress Gerard’s chest. He kisses Gerard’s lips once more and continues to kiss him down his neck. Bert starts to caress Gerard’s stomach a ‘lil bit. He tries to pull off Gerard’s black t-shirt off of him. But before Bert can continue Gerard stops him.
“Bert. What the fuck are you think you’re doing!?” Gerard looks seriously at him. Bert looks back at Gerard and smirks.
“Oh, we both know you want to.”
Gerard stares angrily at him and shakes his head.
“Can’t you just piss off? Just get the hell outta here. I don’t want you here, Bert. And this is my home. I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in my own home. Can’t you handle to be rejected? For once?” Gerard tells him, at the same time as he feels how his voice is starting to break. Bert looks down at the floor as he backs away one step from Gerard. He starts to walk towards the door, looking up at Gerard again.
“When I came here tonight I thought that you could forgive me. I thought that it could be the two of us again.”
Gerard feels how something breaks inside of him and his eyes become wet. He’s gonna cry any minute. Gerard swallows hard before he opens his mouth to talk again.
“And I never thought that you would hurt me either. But you did,” he says with tears in his eyes and a broken voice. “So what’s the difference?”
Bert just shakes his head, pushing down the doorknob.
“I apologized for that.”
“But it doesn’t change anything!” Gerard yells at Bert. “You have no idea what I had to go through because of you! You have no idea how I feel! Every single day is a fight, a challenge for me and the people around me! I wake up each morning and I fight the tears. I fight to be able to make one more day!” Gerard can’t hold back the tears anymore, they start to stream down his face uncontrollably. “So, please. Let me be! Your little visit here hasn’t exactly helped, just made it all worse! So do us all a favour, get the hell outta here and leave me the fuck alone!”
Bert walks to Gerard, gives him a little kiss on his cheek. Bert walks back to the door, he looks at Gerard with disappointment in his eyes before he walks outta the apartment and closes the door behind him. The tears don’t stop to stream down Gerard’s cheeks. He feels so frustrated, so hopeless, so worthless. He just stands there, in the hall, letting everything sink in. He feels how worthless he is, how everything has changed so quickly. He walks into the bedroom, opens one of the drawers in the bureau. He picks up a small box, made of steel, from the drawer and takes it with him when he walks back into the living room. He puts the little box on the table and sits down on his knees on the floor. He opens the box and takes out a small plastic bag with white powder in it. He pours out some of it on the table. He breaths deeply before he picks up a dollar from the pocket of his jeans and rolls it up.
“Please forgive me, Frank. I couldn’t handle it when it got too far. I can’t take this. I just can’t.” Gerard whispers for himself as his eyes becomes even more wet. He bends over to the table and places the rolled dollar in between his nostril and the powder on the table. Then he sniffs up the powder through his nose. He continues to sniff the rest of the powder, so that only a few powder grains remains. He stands up on his feet and walks to the cupboard with alcohol to open a bottle of whiskey. He brings an unopened bottle of whiskey with him into the bathroom. He closes the door to the bathroom before he sits down on the bathroom floor. Gerard opens the bottle and starts to drink the whiskey without any control. He feels how everything starts to shake inside his head, and then he realises that he need aspirin, in a large amount. He stands up from the floor, still holding the bottle of whiskey in his hand, and looks at his reflection in the mirror above the basin. He sees a tired, sad and red-eyed young man, who has big, dark rings under his eyes. He opens the cupboard below the basin and takes out the galipot with aspirin, he opens it and swallows about ten pills with the whiskey. Gerard feels how everything starts to shake again. He puts the whiskey on the basin, with a shaking hand. He knows that he’s gonna fall onto the floor any minute now, and he rather just lay down at the floor and fall asleep. But never ever wake up again. After all he’d gone through life seems so meaningless. He’s grateful that he’s even alive by now, and he has Frank to thank for that. Frank has always been there for him when no one else has.
Gerard stares at one small, little object on the basin. And this time it’s not the bottle of whiskey speaking to him. It’s a little scissor. A nail-scissor. He grabs it in his hand and keeps staring at it in his hand. He turns out “the knives” and presses the sharp part of one of “the knives” against one of his veins by the wrist. He presses it so hard against the vein that it cuts hole on the skin. A few blood drops leaks out from his vein. Gerard presses the scissor harder against the vein and more blood leaks out from him. He presses the scissor along the vein as he can feel the pain inside of him, at the same time he watches the blood leak out of him. He watches the crimson fluid as it leaks out of his body and down in the white basin. He grabs the scissor in his other hand and does the same procedure against a vein by his other wrist. He presses the scissor hard against the vein and the blood leaks out from him. He presses the scissor along the vein and more blood leaks out of him. The procedure hurts so much. So fucking much. But at the same time it feels so good. No one can hurt him by words or actions when he does this. Right now it’s just him and the silence. Him and the crimson fluid dripping down in the basin. He’s done this before and he felt the anger and regret afterwards. But right now, in this little moment, it feels good.
Gerard swallows hard.
“Frank. I love you so much. I love you more than words can express. I love you more than anything on this planet. I can’t even prove how much I love you,” he starts to whisper quietly as the tears keeps streaming down his cheeks. “But, Frank, I promise you that one day we’ll meet again, in another life. And then we’ll have the eternity. Just you and me,” he swallows again, shuts his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” As Gerard shuts his eyes he feels how the strength inside disappears more and more. He feels how he becomes weaker and weaker. He doesn’t have the strength to keep up the hope anymore. He falls down onto the floor and the blood keeps streaming out of his veins.
Suddenly the door into the apartment opens and Frank walks into the hall.
“Gerard, honey, I’m home!”
But Frank doesn’t get any answer like he’d expected. He starts to walk into the living room to see if Gerard’s there. “Gerard?” But there’s still no answer. And when Frank sees the remains of the white powder on the table in the living room he congeals into ice. He stares at the powder for a few minutes before the reality catches him. “Fuck you, Gerard! Fuck you! You fucking promised me you wouldn’t do anything like this!” Frank feels how the frustration inside him grows bigger and bigger. He hurries his steps to the bathroom and when he opens the door he breaks inside. Frank walks slowly forward to the body, which is lifeless, on the cold floor. Frank falls down on his knees beside Gerard’s almost dead body. As fast as he can he picks up his cell phone out of his pocket and calls 911. As soon as the call is over he lifts up Gerard’s head from the floor and places it in his thigh. Frank sees how the blood keeps leaking out from Gerard’s veins, and he realises that Gerard is going to loose all of his blood soon. Frank presses the palms of his hands against Gerard’s bloody veins, in a try to stop them from bleeding. Franks eyes becomes all wet and his cheeks becomes wet of tears.
“Gerard, you promised me you wouldn’t do anything reckless. You promised!” Frank wraps his arms around Gerard’s shoulders and starts to rock him back and forth, as the tears keep streaming down Franks face. “I asked you to wait till I got home. I knew that I should’ve never left you alone like this, I should’ve listened to you. I give you my word, I will never ever leave you alone again. I promise.” Frank presses his nose to Gerard’s and kisses Gerard’s lips softly. “Please, forgive me. But you’ll have you wake up! You’ll have to wake up, baby! I need you in my life! I can’t go on a day without you anymore. Please, just stay with me! Stay with me. Do you hear what I’m saying, Gerard? You can’t leave me. Not yet! You can’t die! I will not let you. We’re supposed to grow old together, remember?” Frank presses his lips to Gerard’s once more. Franks hands is covered in blood from Gerard’s wrists, he moves one of his hands to Gerard’s cheek and caresses it. “Gerard. You are the most beautiful and most wonderful person I’ve ever known. Gerard, I’m so, so sorry.. I always said how much I needed you. But. You needed me more. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t take the chance to show you that I knew that you needed me. But now,” the tears keeps streaming down Franks face, “Now it’s too late.” Frank moves his hand from Gerard’s cheek to Gerard’s black hair. “But I want you to know that I love you, Gerard. I’ve loved you since the day we first met. It was love at first sight, it really was. And I’ll always love you, no matter what. I’ll never stop loving you. I will love you, Gerard Arthur Way, till the day I’ll stop breathing.”
That was pretty much it. I kinda like it, I hope you do too. Please make my day and R&R?