5- Listen When You Feel Your Heart Skip A Beat
My life was being extinguished by the very person who made me feel alive.
Gerard blinked, finding himself back in the closet with Spencer and Mikey. "Why am I here?" He shouted, at no one in particular. He wanted out of this... this god damn nightmare which had forced him to be the villain.
Spencer's laugh infiltrated his ears and he turned to look at her, to really look. She looked so nervous as she moved away from Mikey. "I'm sorry but I'm with Gerard. I'm not going to do anything with you... I didn't really want to play this game. Lily talked me in to it..." She looked away, biting her lip.
"Oh shit, yeah... no." Mikey quickly said, awkwardly twisting his hands together. "I didn't mean- I wasn't making a move- I just... I'll stop now." He laughed.
Spencer smiled, "It's cool Mikey. You don't have to be nervous around me, you know? I mean... just because Gerard and I are dating now... it doesn't mean that we can't still be friends. I never wanted to lose that."
Mikey nodded, "I really don't want to either. We all saw this coming... you and Gerard have been in love for what, like almost three years now? It's about time you start dating."
Spencer laughed again. "Hey, we moved slowly but... why rush anything? Gerard and I have forever left."
"You're so perfect for him." Mikey really cared for Spencer. He couldn't imagine her with anyone that wasn't Gerard though. They were so different yet so obviously meant for each other.
Spencer shook her head. "You don't understand Mikey."
"He's the one that's perfect for me." Spencer replied.
Gerard watched in horror as each person stopped talking because of the door being violently ripped open. "Gerard..." Mikey started but Gerard had already grabbed Mikey by his shirt and pulled him out of the closet. Spencer followed, looking worried.
Gerard stared in to his own angry expression as his double spoke hateful words. "You're just a fucking whore." He threw something at Spencer.
Spencer fumbled and leaned down to grab it. "You're drinking Gerard?" She asked, worried.
"Yeah." Gerard slurred. "I was nervous. I was going to give you that ring." Gerard could now see the ring Spencer was holding as he stood back up. "I thought one drink wouldn't hurt. Well, guess what? One drink turned in to half a bottle. All I could think of was how I was letting you down but look at this... it looks like I'm not the only one getting let down tonight."
Spencer stared down at the ring, confused. "What does this mean to you?"
"Nothing now." Gerard choked out, turning away.
Mikey grabbed his shoulder to stop him, "No... wait man. This isn't what you think. Spencer and I didn't do anything."
Gerard gave him a look of disgust before fully turning around, punching Mikey in the jaw.
Spencer rushed to Mikey, to check if he was okay. "Leave Gerard. You never should have started drinking. I don't need this and Mikey certainly doesn't need this."
"So, you're screwing around on me... and still bossing me around?" Gerard asked, rolling his eyes.
Spencer stared directly in to Gerard's eyes, realizing he was beyond talking to when he was like this. "You're drunk beyond reason Gerard. I can't make you understand the truth so I'm not even going to try. Take a cab home. Sleep this shit off... then come talk to me."
Gerard threw his keys at Spencer. "Take me home."
Mikey shook his head, "I'll take you home."
Gerard shrugged, "Or I'll drive myself home."
Spencer sighed, "Come on. I'll take you home. Bye Mikey, see you tomorrow."
Together Spencer and Gerard walked out of the house, only to be watched by the ghost of Gerard. Spencer didn't know she wouldn't ever see Mikey again while alive. She didn't know how much danger she was in.
Ghost Gerard shook his head, "No! No, don't go with him- with me! Don't do it Spencer. Don't!" He pleaded, completely aware of the fact that he couldn't stop what was going to happen. "Don't let this happen!" he screamed at the sky. "don't let her die! Not again... please." All he got in return was silence.
With that weighing heavily on his heart he walked outside, following the couple. Images of Spencer returned to him and he remembered how he felt about her. He remembered the anger he felt. The alcohol never burned away his memories. The alcohol never helped a thing. He was going to give Spencer the promise ring. He wanted her to know... he needed her to know just how much she meant to him.
All he could do was close his eyes and look away as Spencer screamed. Everything he thought he knew that night was a lie. Everything he did was out of anger, anger that was severely misplaced. Spencer had meant everything to him and now he knew...
He knew it was going to be his curse to live with what he'd done to her forever, in his after-life... Spencer had been innocent. Spencer was still innocent.
Gerard decided it would be best for Spencer not to know. He didn't want her to feel the pain of betrayal all over again... he couldn't face her after she knew. He didn't want to see the look on her face, hear the words leave her lips.
It wasn't his decision though. He still didn't understand that.
"Gerard, wake up." Spencer whispered, leaning over the boy who had reappeared in front of her. She couldn't imagine him leaving her side again. She'd felt so lost. It felt right to be with him. She didn't feel alone when he was with her. She felt safe. She liked the way he made her feel.
Gerard's eyes blinked open and he immediately focused on Spencer. "Oh god, Spencer. You're here. Oh, Spencer." He sat up, wrapping his arms around her. The gesture surprised Spencer and she basically fell on top of Gerard, hugging him back.
"Hey, we can touch. Awesome." She stated, smiling at him though she realized something was wrong.
Gerard laid his chin on Spencer's head as he held her body, "Spencer?"
"Is it really that great of an idea for you to find out what happened?" Gerard murmured, stroking her hair. "I mean, do you really want to re-live possibly painful moments?"
Spencer was surprised by Gerard's change of heart. "It... feels wrong not knowing. I'm missing a part of my life Gerard and I-I don't think that I can move on without knowing."
Gerard assumed that would be her answer but the idea of losing Spencer all over again terrified him. "Is it so bad where we are right now? We have each other..."
Spencer pulled away, "What changed?" She asked, turning to look at Gerard. She felt like she was seeing a different side of him. "Before you wanted to help me..." She suspiciously watched how his face changed as he feigned confusion. "Don't do that." She shook her head. "That's not real. You know what I'm talking about."
Gerard sighed and stood, "Spencer... You're trying to go down a road you can't return from. You won't be able to forget once you know the truth."
"And you're trying to stop me. Why?"
Gerard shrugged, trying to make it seem as if he didn't care. He did care though. Spencer saw right through him. She always did. "Being dead doesn't make us immune to the pain of human suffering. To the pain of our own suffering, from when we were alive. This is going to hurt you. It's going to hurt us both."
"You know what happened." Spencer whispered. "Tell me."
Gerard shook his head as the tears came once again. "I can't." He whispered, not wanting to have to be the one who told her what he had done.
"Please Gerard." Spencer whispered. "Please tell me what happened to me." She was crying now. "I need to know and I know that you know something. I know there's a reason why we are here still. What is that reason?"
Gerard stepped away from her, feeling as if the walls in his old home were closing in on him. "I don't deserve to get off so easily. I don't deserve to see you again. I deserve to die a million times and then maybe more. I deserve an eternity in hell. Maybe that's where I'm headed... but not you, not you Spencer. You didn't deserve any of this."
Spencer was piecing together Gerard's words slowly but she needed more, "What did you do Gerard?" She whispered, staying in place.
Gerard shook his head, looking away. "I won't tell her." he spoke loudly, knowing someone had to be watching them. They had to be the favorite drama show for dead people or some shit. "I won't be the one to tell her." He reiterated, waiting.
Spencer considered the fact that Gerard might have lost his mind but then another voice joined them. "Mr. Way this is your fate." The voice came from nowhere however. Spencer couldn't see anyone other than Gerard.
"I don't care. I won't tell her. I'm not going to hurt her anymore." Gerard said, still not looking at Spencer.
"Then she will forever be cursed to walk this world with you. Do you want that pain for her? She will see her loved ones but she will never again be able to interact with them. She will never be able to know anyone but you and she will forever wonder what happened." The voice faded, "It is her fate to know. It is your fate, your responsibility, to tell her." And then it was gone.
Gerard wanted to kick something. He wanted to tear his entire house apart but he could touch nothing. "God damn creepy voices with their fucking cryptic messages."
"I think the message was pretty clear." Spencer whispered. "Though I don't think it matters. You obviously don't want to tell me and I can't make you."
"So, you'll just drop it?" Gerard asked, after a hopeful pause.
Spencer shook her head. "I won't drop it, ever. I will follow your brother and I will eventually find out the cause of my death."
Gerard sighed, "Please don't Spencer."
"Why do you seem so afraid of me knowing the truth Gerard?" Spencer asked, staring at him. "It's my benefit to know and yet you're still hiding it from me as if the truth will poison my already dead body. Are you my friend or my enemy?"
"I'm your lover." Gerard whispered. "I was in love with you. I'm still in love with you Spencer."
"I-you, we..." Spencer trailed off, confused. "That's how your brother knew me?" She finally asked.
Gerard shook his head, "You knew Mikey before you knew me. You two were great friends. Then we fell in love and well... Mikey and you grew apart but were still very close. I guess sometimes I got jealous. How could I not? I was jealous of anyone who talked to you, anyone who saw you."
Spencer stepped closer. "Well no one can see me anymore. No one can hear me." She whispered, realizing things were going to end on a sad note. Love stories between dead people were rarely beautiful.
"I was a mess. I did drugs. I wrote dark poetry, drawing images of death... the words were beautiful but lacked meaning. I didn't care about anything. Then I started drinking. It was the alcohol that really fucked me up." Gerard admitted. "And you came along. You fixed me. You changed me. Things were good for awhile. They were great but then... then we got in to an argument."
"About?" Spencer could do nothing other than listen.
"You wanted to go out with Mikey. You wanted me to come too but I wouldn't." Gerard closed his eyes but that did nothing to stop the tears. "I didn't want you and Mikey to hang out. I had gotten increasingly jealous. I thought he would steal you. I thought you would realize you were with the wrong brother; the broken brother. You didn't like that I was being so jealous so you left with Mikey, without me."
"You followed us, didn't you?" Spencer asked, images returning to her mind as memories re-formed.
Gerard nodded, "I pulled out the promise ring I'd been meaning to give you... and I was nervous. I was so fucking nervous. I took a drink Spencer. It was just supposed to be one drink. You have to realize that I never thought it would escalate. I never planned any of this."
Spencer's eyes narrowed, "You got drunk."
Gerard nodded, "I found you-"
"In the closet with your brother?" Spencer was starting to remember. "You know I never cheated on you, right?"
Gerard nodded, "I know now but I didn't know then."
"I loved you." Spencer whispered. "I loved you more than I loved anything else in the world. You were everything. I relied on you. I trusted you... I believed in you."
"I love you so much Spencer. I still love you. I've always loved you, since the moment you walked in to my-" Gerard was cut off though.
Spencer shook her head, "No. You don't get to tell me that." And with that she walked away.
Gerard tried to follow but she disappeared.
"No!" Gerard cried out, "No! Don't take her... not like that!"
The voice returned, "We haven't taken her. She's not done yet Mr. Way. She has a long way left to go as do you."
Gerard couldn't imagine going any further.
What more pain was there for them to face?
(Spencer's POV- Flashback)
"Gerard, don't touch me." I snapped, pushing him away. I hated when he drank. "I thought we were past this. I thought you were smarter than this. You know how serious a relapse is, don't you?"
Gerard just rolled his eyes as he fell back in to the passenger's side. "You know how serious hooking up with my brother is, don't you?"
"You know that I'd never cheat on you." I informed him, wishing he had a clear enough mind to believe the truth.
Gerard looked so angry, angrier than I'd ever seen him. His hand flew back, landing against my face as a sharp slapping noise echoed through the car. I inhaled quickly, pushing the burning pain from my mind. "I'm taking you home and then I don't want to see you again until you're sober. I can't do this again Gerard. I can't help you this time. You need to learn to help yourself because I can't always be around holding your hand whenever there is alcohol near you."
Gerard's voice changed. "You're leaving me?"
"I have to." I whispered, not wanting to hurt him. He needed to be able to stay sober though. I couldn't help him. He would just relapse again. If he didn't want to help himself then I couldn't force him to get sober and stay sober.
"I'll die without you." Gerard whispered.
"Don't be so dramatic Gerard. You know I'll always be around if you really need me. I just won't be able to... be with you or around you so much until you fix this mess you re-started."
"I'm not being dramatic Spencer." Gerard spoke quietly before turning to look at me. "I'll die without you and you'll die without me. We can't live apart. I won't allow it." He was starting to scare me. "And I won't step aside so that you can be with my brother, you cheating bitch. If I can't have you... he can't either." Then he reached forward, brushing his fingers through my hair.
I was frozen in place, too terrified to move. "Please don't do anything stupid Gerard." Then I saw the knife. The light reflected off of it and my eyes were drawn to the object as I realized just what Gerard would do.
"You're mine." Gerard whispered, "Forever baby." And with that he thrust the knife in to my chest.
The pain ripped through me, the scream barely making it. God, it hurt so much. "Gerard..." I stared in to his eyes, which widened slightly.
"Spencer." He stared at me, dropping the knife. "Spencer, wait..." He pressed his hand to my bleeding wound. "It's bleeding so much." He whispered, shaking his head. "Why is it bleeding so much?" He suddenly sounded very childlike.
I couldn't breath. I couldn't speak another word. My life was being extinguished by the very person who made me feel alive.