6- The Wrong Feels Right
Death, or whatever it was plaguing us, was certainly very dramatic.
My vision was getting cloudy from all of the damn tears I kept crying. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to hurt anymore. Gerard had killed me. I loved Gerard. I still loved Gerard. Why did he kill me? Because he thought I kissed Mikey. Because I threatened to leave him until he got sober again, this time for good.
I heard footsteps and realized I was in Gerard's home again. "Gerard?" And then he appeared but it wasn't dead Gerard... No, this Gerard was very much alive.
I instantly shut up as I realized he had a knife in his hand, his body bare of anything other than boxers. I walked alongside him, as if by force. I didn't want to follow him. I knew what was coming.
The bathtub was filled. The note written. It was an apology. An apology to Mikey, to me, to everyone Gerard cared about. I had to look away before reading the entire thing. I couldn't stomach it.
"I can't watch this." I whispered, tears falling down my face. Oh, how sick I was of crying. Would it never stop? "I don't want to watch him die!" I shouted, hoping someone would hear me.
"But isn't this what you wanted? You didn't deserve to die at such a young age. He murdered you." The eery voice from earlier whispered.
I shook my head, "I never wanted any of this to happen but it did. We never should have died. Wasn't one tragedy enough?" I shouted, wanting to look away from Gerard as he stepped in to the bathtub. "Please don't make me watch him die. I don't want to see him die!" I shouted, trying to scream loudly enough to make myself blind. I knew it didn't work that way but I wanted it to.
"Do you still love him?" The voice asked, catching me off guard.
I paused before responding. "Yes. I'll always love him. I don't want to watch him die. I don't want to see him in pain, ever. He doesn't deserve this. Whoever is listening to me, whoever you are that's speaking to me... You need to stop. Neither of us deserve to re-live this shit. You seem to think he committed some huge sin but shouldn't I be the judge, not you? He did this to me. He killed me and I think he's suffered enough. I want it to stop."
The lights suddenly shut off, casting me in darkness. Death, or whatever it was plaguing us, was certainly very dramatic.
Then the lights turned back on and Gerard was standing in front of me. My Gerard, the dead Gerard. He looked apologetic but he said nothing.
I stepped closer, staring directly in to his eyes. "You killed me." I said, watching his reaction. "But I killed you too." Gerard's fingers gently brushed the tears from my cheeks. "I never could have left you, you know? I was so, am still, so in love with you. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be dead with."
Gerard laughed, the sound uneasy. "How can you be so calm?"
"Would you prefer I cry a little more? I could stomp my feet on the ground and scream. I could sob. I could yell a million things at you. I could hate you. You know what that would accomplish though?"
"What?" Gerard asked, his voice thick with emotion.
"Nothing. It would accomplish nothing. Everything has already happened. There is no taking back our mistakes. We have to live... or well, be dead... I guess, with our mistakes. Our conclusion has already been concluded." I told him, wanting so badly to kiss his perfect lips.
"That's where you're wrong." The eery voice returned.
"I'm done with your stupid messages that don't help a damn thing. If you have something to say then tell us and get it over with." I snapped, sick of the after-life giving us such hell.
The voice started laughing and then before us stood an even creepier man than the voice could have ever let on. "Okay, okay... relax." He said, "Again I'm Fate. Hello, I've met you Gerard Way but not you Ms. Torean."
I nodded, "What am I wrong about?"
"Your fates have not been decided. You had to find out what happened to realize what mistakes had been committed. One of you can live while the other will remain dead."
"W-what?" I choked out, "How? I mean... we are both already dead. You can't change what happened."
"I can alter what happened." The man stated. "I can change it. The living one's mind would be altered as well, making them forget the other. You were never both supposed to die... only one. Gerard Way, you altered the balance of death. I am here to fix it."
"So, what? You put together this fucking game to amuse yourself?" Gerard snapped, glaring at the man.
Fate shrugged, "You both had to figure out what had happened on your own. I cannot tell the story you created. I can only guide you."
I cut in, "If Gerard was to live... would he be facing prosecution for my murder?"
Fate shook his head, "No. He would not have murdered you in the world I would re-create. You've caused me a lot of grief Mr. Way. You never would have dated, or loved each other."
Gerard looked at me for quite awhile as if trying to read my mind. "No Spencer, not me... I took your life. You never should have died. This can make things right."
"You're right. This can make things right. You need to live again Gerard. You could even love again." I assured him, wanting the best for him.
"How could you even suggest that?" Gerard asked, horrified.
Fate sighed audibly. "You both have the night to decide. I shall return in the morning. Choose well. This choice cannot be reversed and the balance needs to be set as soon as possible. If you cannot choose then I will."
Then he disappeared.
"You can't do this." Gerard argued, staring at me. "You can't be this selfless. Some part of you has to want to go back. Think of your family. Lily. There is so much waiting for you."
"I could say the same to you. Think of Mikey." I countered before folding. "Of course I miss being alive but I can't forget you Gerard."
"And you think I can forget you?"
"I think you owe me." I replied.
"No." Gerard shook his head. "Please don't do this. Don't make me go back."
"It's what I want."
Gerard sighed heavily, "You aren't going to change your mind. You were always so stubborn. This time I'm not changing my mind either though."
"Just hold me please." I whispered, leaning against Gerard. "Tonight just hold me. Tomorrow is another day." That I would make sure he lived to see.
(I'm pretty sure my puppy is on crack. She just won't stop with her antics tonight. Yay, it's just so very delightful to be me.)