That's all I could think.
That's all I could say.
I was in tears and nothing came out when I tried to speak, I wanted to tell her I love her again but she was still heavily sedated and her body drooped and slowly, oh so slowly, she fell asleep again.
I was still holding her hand, Gerard was over with Ley-Anne speaking in hushed whispers again.
'Frank?' Ley-Anne's melodic voice called,
I looked up from Bandits sleeping face slowly,
'We had sex' Gerard said
'WHAT!' I said a little too loudly for four am.
'Shushh!' Gerard said
'You had sex?!' I asked
'Shh!' she insisted
'You had sex?!' I repeated, unable to comprehend.
'Yes!' they both said, sounding annoyed
'What- When?' I asked, still surprised. When did they have time to have sex? They've been in the same house as us for weeks now and they've hardly left me and Cherry's sight. If Cherry knew, she would've told me.
Ley-Anne spoke next, 'Night before prom...'
'No, you were fighting! We heard you!'
'Then we made up and hooked up, use your brain Frank' Gerard said
I rolled my eyes at him.
'Eww! I mean, what the fuck, when we were all in the house?! At least we didn't hear you'
'As if. I could yell bloody murder in the dead of night and none of you'd hear it' Ley-Anne added
'So wait, why did you have the need to share with me that you two had sex...?'
Ley-Anne's eyes widened and she cocked her head to the side to look at Gerard, eyebrow raised.
He whispered something then laughed,
'We assumed we weren't the only ones who'd had sex in that house...' Gerard continued to smirk.
'Unless Jess and Mikey have then, nope. Not yet'
'Whats haven't Jess and Mikey done? What's not yet?' Cherry said weakly as she started to wake up but still sleepily.
'Nothing baby' I smiled
I shot a look at Gerard, 'Tell her'
'Bandit... Ley-Anne had sex with Frank'
'WHAT!' she and I both yelled
They burst out laughing,
'This is news to you?' Cherry asked
'I didn't have sex with your sister! I've never had sex with anyone'
Cherry smiled at my honesty or she was probably laughing but still, no lies, no judgement.
'Then what's going on?'
'They fucked' I told her
'Frank!' Ley-Anne yelled
'Way to break it to her, douche' Gerard smiled
'Shut up Gerard, asshole' I winked at him.
'Excuse me, could you please keep it down, there are patients trying to sleep and we've had some complaints' a nurse told us,
'Sorry' we all whispered
'Whats the time?' Cherry asked
'Almost five am' Gerard told her
Her eyes fluttered again and I feared she might go into a seizure again, she didn't- only squeezed my hand tighter,
'Are you okay? You in pain?'
'I love you' she said it back. She opened up, her heart is healing
'Don't leave me' she continued and re-adjusted then tightened her grip on my hand again
'Never. I promise' I said kissing her gently on her glowing pink cheek.
'Frankie?' she whispered
'Go home and go sleep'
'Im fine, I'm not leaving you'
'You need sleep! Go'
'I'm not leaving you'
'Then sleep with me' she said patting the bed beside her
'We won't fit'
'Are you calling me fat or large to be specific?'
'No! You know that's not what I meant!'
'I know baby, you're little, we'll fit'
I lay facing her and she smiled and even after all this, I never let go of her hand. She snuggled her head into my shoulder and made herself comfortable and fell asleep again; I yawned and kissed her head before falling asleep right there too.
I woke up to a light kiss on my cheek and opened my eyes expecting Cherry but instead there was Gerard.
'Morning sunshine' he told me as I rubbed my eyes to adjust to the demanding bright lights. I lifted my arm slightly then dropped it down again remembering Cherry was still leaning on me, still fast asleep.
'What do you want Gee?'
'Did you have sex in the hospital?'
'Why is everything always about sex with you?'
'Aw, did little Fwankie lose his virginity?'
'Coming from the same person who lost his like two days ago, really? Already?' I said raising an eyebrow at him.
'That's what you think'
'Wait what? Ley-Anne wasn't your first? What the fuck why didn't you tell me before?!'
'I dunno, it wasn't important I thought you'd done it anyway so I didn't feel the need to tell you'
'With who?' Ley-Anne's croaky voice said weekly from the doorway,
Gerard looked shit scared, he didn't tell her either. He lied.
'With who?' she repeated, I noticed her hands starting to shake as she grew angrier
'Can we talk about this, please?-' he started to say,
'With WHO!' she yelled
'Ivy' he said weakly
'FUCK YOU!' she yelled; the coffees hit the floor and by the time I registered what happened she punched him right in the jaw and then stalked out tears running down her face.
He spun around to face me,
'Ivy?' I asked
'What the fuck? You banged our whole band?! Was I next or was it Noah?' I said feeling angry and hurt for Ley-Anne, I rolled to face Cherry again, her eyes were open and full of tears,
'Hey baby, it's alright, it's going to be alright'
'You don't understand. You have to go find her'
She moved so I could get up and ran out to find her as soon as I could, I didn't know why it was urgent, I didn't know where she was but I know where Cherry would go, so I went there.
'Ley-Anne!' I yelled pushing the doors to the morgue open quickly.
She turned around quickly, scalpel in hand, I understood now.
'Are you going to just stand there or did you come for a reason?'
'Give me the scalpel'
'No' she said, drawing it closer to her wrist,
'Ley-Anne, give me it'
'Because I want to talk to you, I don't want to see you in pain. If you're in pain, Cherrys in pain and if she's in pain, so am I. Don't do this' I flinched as her blood bubbled up on her wrist in one long, thin, red line.
'Everythings always about Bandit isn't it? Bandit, Bandit, Bandit!'
'Hey, what's this about?' I said, edging closer, slowly, closer.
A tear escaped her eye and she quickly wiped it away,
'Why did he lie to me?'
'I don't know, it was news to me too, I just found out now, the same way you did. Except-'
I nodded slowly, still edging closer I reached her and slid the scalpel out of her hands and threw it across the room, I took her in my arms in a warm, comforting embrace and she cried into my shoulder for a while as she gathered herself slowly.
I let go of her and we went outside, I sat with her on a bench in the sun and pulled out my crumpled cigarette packet from my back pocket and lit one in my mouth. I offered her but she just shook her head, I put it away and looked at her panicked expression,
'What are you going to do?' she said worriedly as she saw me stand up abruptly as Gerard came running towards us,
'Please, don't speak to me right now. I'm not in the mood to be lied to'
'Gerard, you need to leave'
'Excuse me? I'm not going to leave my girlfriend in a time of importance like you left yours'
'Ex girlfriend' Ley-Anne added
'Cherry asked me to find Ley-Anne, she told me to leave'
'Ex?' Gerard said
'Like I said, not in the mood for lies' she said sweetly but angrily at the same time
'What happened to your wrist?' he asked alarmed
'Oh because you wouldn't know'
'You taught her this shit?' I yelled
I grabbed his arm and yanked his sleeve out of the way, doing the same with his armbands,
'What the fuck is this bullshit again?'
'Bullshit? P.S your girlfriend does it too'
'Actually, she's stopped doing it, she made a change. You lied, you didn't' I said angrily
'MORE lies?!' Ley-Anne said, standing up to face him too,
'So what, I broke a promise. Like you never have!' he spat at me
'Actually I haven't'
'Really? Are you sure? Because less than half and hour ago you promised Bandit you wouldn't leave her'
'You ignorant fuck! This has nothing to do with her! It's about you lying to Ley-Anne'
'Me, ignorant? Frank I'm trying to tell you somethings wrong! "Leave your girlfriend in a time of importance" "You promised her you wouldn't leave her"'
'FUCK' I ran upstairs though the hospital to her room, she was surrounded by nurses again,
'Cherry...' I whispered
I pushed past a nurse and watched her body go into seizure again, blood every where, it was worse than ever before. The nurses were injecting needles into her arms and whatever else but then I had an epiphany.
'DON'T INJECT HER!'
'Excuse me Mr Iero, but I know how to do my job just fine' she said continuing to fill the needles, one with penicillin the other with a sedating liquid.
'NO! She's allergic! She's having a reaction! You're making it worse'
I dreamed of darkness and hate, except most of my dreams were like reality, maybe they weren't dreams at all. My vision was cloudy, no contacts, no glasses; I could just make out the shape of Frank sitting beside me, never letting go.
Ley-Anne and Gerard had sex before prom, Franks a virgin, that made me smile that he could admit that to me, obviously it's somewhat important to him.
I tried to get him to leave, to go home, to get some sleep but he refused to leave me. As i lay under the covers he lay next to me on the hospital bed and we slept.
It changed, the tension, the fights, the yelling, the crying.
I was looking down on the scene, me in the hospital bed having an epileptic seizure again and watching him run out the door for Ley-Anne. Gerard sat beside me now, took Franks place, cupped my cold hand his warm ones.
Soon he left too. Still in seizure, they all left me alone.
"I never knew what it was to be alone
coz you were always there for me, you were always waiting.
But now I'm alone and I miss your face
I close my eyes to see
I know you're apart of me
And it's the memories that keep our love alive.
Looking back I clearly see,
What it is that's killing me"
I was dying, I couldn't stand the silence, I couldn't be alone now. I was writhing in agony, screaming and crying, each seizure getting worse by the second.
My mouth filled with blood as i bit my tongue, it overflowed and then there was blood all down my front, I tried to move my arms to wipe it but I couldn't they're weak and they couldn't move.
I never though I'd die alone, another six months and I'll be unknown.
I squeezed my eyelids shut and listened to Frank scream,
He was back, it comforted me but that's not enough to stop a seizure.
'Im here beautiful, I love you Cherry'
I tried to make myself immune to all his compliments and words
that made me feel so special but in the end, I couldn't. He was mine and I couldn't change that I'd fallen in love again.
I watched Frank run then turned around to find Ley-Anne texting, facing her back to me.
'Ley-Anne, please listen'
'Im listening' still not turning around or meeting my gaze
'Are you going to speak or not?' she added
'I- I- I'm lost for words'
'Good. Let me speak then' she said spinning on the bench to face me,
'Do you love me or was that bullshit too?'
'I do love you' I nodded
'Then why'd you lie to me?' she said, tears like pools filled her crystal clear blue eyes and her voice had a catch in it.
'Did having sex with me mean anything? We're you planning on fucking me and going to the next?'
'Have I ever meant anything to you? Or was our relationship a lie?'
'Ley-Anne LISTEN! I love you, I made a mistake and lied. I'm sorry, I can't stress that enough! Of course having sex with you meant something to me, I wish I was a virgin so it could've been better. You mean the world to me, our relationship means everything to me, I'd fucking die for you!'
'Were you planning on fucking me and going onto the next?' she repeated
'No! I love you. It was always you'
'Why did you lie to me?' she repeated
'I didn't know what to do Ley-Anne! What was I meant to do? Hey Ley-Anne I fucked Sarah and Ivy-'
'I know about Sarah. Frank told me before'
'Where has your heart gone? It's tearing me apart from you'
'Do you know what you and I have Ley-Anne?'
'A chemical romance'
'We're in love but it's dangerous, there's anger, hate, love, happiness all there but we can't sort out what we want'
'Who knew you could be so deep?' she spat angrily
I just shrugged,
'Why do you act like you don't care?' I asked her
'I do care'
'So having sex with me was a big deal?'
'You never acted that way until now'
'Because if I show signs of weakness or back down then Bandit falls too, if she falls Frank falls and we all fall down'
'Domino effect' I whispered
'Who knew you could be so deep'
She wasn't crying anymore but she still looked pissed and I didn't want to comfort her because I was afraid if I touch her she'd do some karate move or something. Remembering the first day she was at Bellevue she said that they did martial arts.
'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GERARD! Why can't I be mad at you? Why can't I punch you like I want to? Why-'
'You already did' I said rubbing my aching jaw
'Thats not what I wanted to do. Initial thought was to kick you where it hurts but I couldn't do it'
'because we're in love'
'You told Frank something's wrong with Bandit? Whats going on? Is she okay!'
I followed her back to Bandits room, running at full speed I watched her as she was swaying dizzily,
'When was the last time you ate?' I asked in the elevator,
'Franks dinner when Aaron came'
'You don't get a say in this'
We went back in Bandits room and found Frank on the floor by the door with his head between his knees and his hands cupped at the back of his neck,
'Frank...?' Ley-Anne said. He lifted his head, his eyes red from crying
'Whats happening?' I asked
Another set of tears running down his face, he tried to speak but his voice cracked and he just put his head in his hands.
'Wheres Bandit?!' Ley-Anne asked alarmed
'No!' Ley-Anne yelled,
'Miss, she's gone into surgery'
'Why!' I yelled at the same time as Ley-Anne yelled 'What!'
There were a million thoughts running through my head as I heard his smirk through his voice,
'Ley-Anne wasn't your first?! Why didn't you tell me?!' Frank asked surprisedly
'I dunno, it wasn't important I thought you'd done it anyway so I didn't feel the need to tell you'
'With who?' I asked from the doorway, my voice was weak but I wasn't backing down.
He looked shit scared as I edged closer,
'With who?' I repeated a little louder, he just stared with a vacant expression
'Ivy' he said weakly
I shook my head, disgusted. The coffees hit the floor with a crash and the next bang was my fist hitting his jaw.
I stalked out, hot tears streaming quickly down my face. I felt betrayed, I felt used. I felt like I did when Eric told me I was worthless. I looked down to my hand, the bandage was long gone but the scar still shows from the glass.
Every fucking guy.
Why isnt Frank a fucking loser?
Why me again?
I hardly noticed where I was going and before I had time to realize I was in the morgue, surrounded by the dead, a discarded scalpel on a tray beside me. I picked it up and stared into the shiny, silver metal.
I swallowed and it felt like there was a lump in my throat, my hands shook and the doors slammed open,
I was about to tell who I thought was Gerard to fuck off but it was Frank. Frank who was just lying in bed next to Bandit, less than two minutes ago, Bandit who was almost dead.
Just like my brother.
Then it would just be me and Jess again.
It wasn't going to happen.
It's not like before when she wanted to die, it's not like when she was in hospital for days from suicide attempts, no.
It's not Sam's suicide crys anymore.
She's got Frank, and cigarettes, and alcohol, cutting, and her pills.
No more over dosing, no more of dads hand guns, no more suicide. She had the will to live, she could pull through.
But everything's always about Bandit.
Jess gets raped, oh Bandit has something more important.
Ley-Anne wants a car, no Bandit gets hers first.
Ley-Anne STOP. She's your sister, you can't think like this.
The scalpel slid across my wrist in one thin line easily, blood bubbling, dark red and it dripped onto the floor. Frank flinched as he watched me.
'Why did he lie to me?' I asked Frank, crying.
'I dont know' he told me weakly.
We went outside and I watched him have a cigarette, he put the end out and he and Gerard had a bit of a row, Frank ran upstairs and Gerard tried to talk to me.
I couldn't stay mad, no matter how badly I wanted to hit him- the feeling went away when he spoke. His clear, melodic, sweet voice always captivated me.
'I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself but it's not possible' he took me in his arms and kissed my head sweetly, it was like a scene from a cheesy love story movie.
This was my cheesy love story.
This was my life.
Mikey's first treatment was today, I was scared for him, for Gerard, for Frank and for Bandit. Everything came at us full on and we were all scared.
We were all still dressed in prom clothes (except bandit) me and Gerard went home for the first time since the accident. I took the clothes Bandit was wearing before they put the hospital gown on her- Bandits dress, and converse. Mostly covered in blood- I tool them from the plastic bag at the end of the bed home with us and stopped at the dry leaners on the way back.
Gerard grabbed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt for frank (he was still wearing converse from prom) and I took a loose t-shirt and sweat pants for Bandit, for when she could come home. I also threw her cigarettes and a pair of flat shoes in the bag too- not that she'd wear the shoes. She's always preferred barefoot.
Gerard and I showered, got changed and went back to the hospital.
My stomach turned at the thought;
Did Gerard use protection?
'Did you use a condom?' I whispered into his ear that was covered by his long, black hair that was still wet and smelt sweetly of some floral shampoo.
'Yes' he whispered back, holding the 'sss' on the end
I smiled on the inside and he asked 'Why?'
'Well I don't want to be on teen mom'
He laughed and took my hand in his,
'I love you'
'I love you too, I wish I didn't because I'd still be mad at you'
He laughed again and kissed my cheek sweetly, I turned my head slightly and he kissed me.
We watched Frank and Bandit sleep for a while before we went for a walk to find Mikey's room. He should be out by now and he deserved a visit.
Mikey + Jessica's POV's
Neither of us have written in ages, so because there still isn't much to write we've put it together.
I had my first treatment today and I was afraid, Jess drove me to the clinic. She dropped me off and went to park her car- I waited at the door for her.
We walked upstairs hand in hand and I waited all day for Mikey while he had his treatment, in the afternoon Gerard and Ley-Anne came downstairs and found me,
'Hey! I was wondering where you have been, I haven't seen you since two days ago now!' I told them
Gerard hid behind his long fringe and Ley-Anne bit her lip,
'Whats wrong?' I asked
Gerard cleared his throat,
'Things aren't good...' he trailed off
'Bandit' Ley-Anne told me
A tear escaped my eye as they told me what happened,
'Please don't tell Mikey at the moment, he's probably already feeling horrible from treatment, let's not make it worse' Gerard said passing me a coffee,
I nodded my head in thanks and agreement.
'I won't say anything' I promised
'Let Frank tell him, he needs to come to terms with the fact shes not well' Ley-Anne said as she took a sip of her chocolate frappè.
They waited around with me until Mikey was okay to visit, we went into his room and he smiled weakly,
'Whats wrong?' I asked taking his hand as he reached for me,
He beckoned me closer so he could whisper into my ear,
'The treatments not working'
'How do you know? It's the first time'
'Its not working' he repeated
I bit my lip and then got up to kiss him, he turned his head away,
'Could you get me a drink of water, my lips are chapped and faded' he asked
'Sure baby' i told him and me and Ley-Anne went to go find a water tank.
'Gerard' I whispered,
'Yeah Mikes, I'm here'
'Call aunt Marie, help her gather all my things and bury me in all my favorite colors'
'Mikey-' his voice cracked, 'This isn't happening'
'It is. I'm dying Gerard, face it'
At that moment me and Ley-Anne walked back in and lucky she was holding the water because I burst into hysterics, I couldn't hold myself together.
I ran up to his bed and hugged him tightly, he turned his head away as I tried to kiss him,
'I will not kiss you'
'Because the hardest part-'
'Don't say it' I say sadly
[Two weeks into the treatment]
'Turn away! I'm awful just to see, a my hair has abandoned my body' I say angry, mostly at myself
'I can see your agony' she says sadly
'And I know that I will never get to marry-'
'Baby, you're just soggy from the chemo' she points out
'And I'm counting down the days to go' I add glumly
'This just isn't right! This just isn't living!' she yells and cries
'I just hope you know that if you say goodbye today, I'm asking you to be true, because the hardest part of this is leaving you'
She cries for what felt like years and I couldn't do anything, her eyes vacant and stained.
'Mikey if you die, I'm coming with you'
'NO!' he tells me seriously,
'Im not kidding'
'And I'm not worth it'
'You are! You're the only thing worth living for'
'You could do so much better -'
'Relax, you don't need to be more stressed okay? Lie back down and take a deep breath' I tell him as I watch his heart rate rise.
'Im sorry' he tells me
'Its my fault'
'Shh' I say, kissing him softly
'The radiation-' he begins
'Im going to die anyways'
He rolls his eyes and I can tell he's angry at me, but he knows I'm doing it with or without his approval.