"She w-what?!" I ask horrified
"She killed herself" Jo says shakily
"No" I whisper softly, I didn't realize that Blake was still next to me and he hugged me tightly, making me feel safe again but this is a big thing.
Two of my best friends have killed themselves, first Joey, now Ash, my life is crumbling, escaping from beneath me and I can't see it happening, I'm oblivious to the outside world.
"Why?" my voice is hoarse and weak and it barely sounds like me and until I spoke I didn't realize I'd been crying.
"No body knows" Jo says, but I do know, I know why.
Ash was my best friend since we were three, she was the one who would always be there for me no matter what and if I landed yourself in a fight, no matter how stupid, she'd be on my side. And if we fought, we'd be friends by the next week guaranteed, we could never be apart.
Ash always said to me "If you ever fucken kill yourself I'm killing myself" we made a joke of it but we both knew that's what we'd do.
I left, I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye to her, she was my closest best friend out of the whole group and now she's gone. I'd told her about everything that happened since I got here even the parts where I almost die, she knew I'm regaining suicidal impulses, she could feel it and being so far away we couldn't be there for each other like we used to.
I left and became pretty much dead to her and now she's gone and I've fucked everything up, my best friend is fucking dead and it's my fault.
"The hardest part of this is leaving youuuuu" That was the last thing she said to me, now I realize what she meant. She was planning this for a long time, when she said that i though "I'm not dying, just moving" but maybe I am dead now.
These thoughts and feelings aren't new of course- Joey died because of me too. I shouldn't make friends with anyone because every time I do they have a habit of dying, I don't want Blake or Criss to end up like that too.
Blake's still hugging me tightly, kissing my head softly every so often.
He cups his hand under my chin and lifts it toward his face, he kisses me softly and it's wet, we're both crying.
"W-Why are y-you c-crying?" I ask
"I can't stand to see pretty girls cry" that didn't answer my question but I don't repeat myself.
Joelle disconnects and I shut my laptop and throw it on the floor.
I shut my eyes and lean into Blake's chest sobbing as he rubs my back softly and hugs me tightly.
"What d-do I-I-I do?" I ask softly
He shakes his head, "I dunno"
And for the second time in my life, I'm lost.
"What did you do when J-Joey died?" now I've got Blake stuttering too?
"I l-lay in bed a-all day for t-two months a-and then I l-lit a candle o-on my w-window e-every night f-for him t-to come home l-like people d-do when t-they're family member is in a w-war and t-theyre w-waiting for t-t-them to come h-home and I c-cried- a lot- and I s-screamed and I w-wanted to die"
His grip on me got tighter when I said I wanted to die and he whispers into my ear softly, "You still want to die though, don't you? You're very good at hiding it but I know why you can't talk to people properly. It's because you find it hard to TALK when you're hurting, you're constantly in pain and you're trying to get rid of it, right?" I swallow hard and look up at him, his eyes filling with tears and his voice cracked as he finished speaking, I nodded "How-?"
"Because I feel the same way. You're not in this alone, we're going through this together with a little help from our favorite band"
I nod slowly and press my face back into his chest as more tears fill my eyes, we lie there together for a long time just whispering and it's grown dark outside but neither of us care, we're oblivious to the outside world and then we grow sleepy as the moon rises further in the sky and somehow we've moved from the window seat to the bed and it's a lot more comfortable, and we grow weary.