For spirit Week :)
My knee, my skinny little motherfucking knee! And it's his fault, that white haired vampiristic older brother of mine, yes i hate to admit it but that son of a bitch is my brother. Wait, no my Mom isn't a bitch, well she is when she tries to ground me or makes me clean my room but that's another story. Most of the time she's a good woman, especially when she cooks me food or buys me presents like Unicorn Guitar Picks. I loooveeeeeee guitar picks. Oh but i don't like Unicorns all that much, it just happens that Gee Gee likes to tell people i have a fetish for them, it lost me a whole lot of girlfriends. Thank the lord my current one actually likes Unicorns so it's not all that shitty anymore. Oh and she's fucking hot too!
The shrill ringtone of Barbie Girl wakes me up from my inner jousting session. "Hey fucker." I say oh so gladly to my delightful brother.
"MOIKAY! LINDSEYS FUCKING PISSED EVERYWHERE!" He screams, half amused and clearly half fucking terrified. Not that i blame him i mean the chick is like fat. Like pregnant fat, not generally fat because if she was on the larger cuddlier side and i called her fat Gerard would karate chop my skinny white ass. Ouch, not thankyou spawn of Draculoids. Or Draculzoids, whichevers less cool because my brother is not cool. Except when he buys me new jeans. I looooveeee Jeans.
"MIKEYYY!" He snaps me from my thoughts again. Man, he whines like a bitch surfing the crimson wave."What?" I respond simply. Oh yeah, fuck Lindsey. Pregnant. Piss. Oh sweet Baby Jesus. " GEE YOU A STAR DINGBAT! HER WATERS HAVE BROKE! YOUR UNFORTUNATE BABY IS GONNA BE BORN SOON!" Unfortunate because let's face it, she has that skinny fool as her father. A hairdye loving, suckish guitar playing and let's be straight up here feminine father is my brother, thank god her Uncle has class and is normal...... most of the time. "SHIT! What do i doooo?" He wails as Lindsey curses in the background.
"Oh i don't know Genius, maybe take her to starbucks and buy her a frappaucino, and then take her for a jog through New York City. I mean come on, it's not like preggo eggos should be in the hospital when they're pissing everywhere as you so simply phrased it." I roll my eyes and hope he felt that burn because Man i am on fire today!
"Oh Ha fucking ha." He drawls.
"FUCK YOU! JUST GET HER TO THE HOSPITAL WE'LL MEET YOU THERE SUCKER!" I yell slamming the phone down and turning around to be met by Alicia, who's looking very angry with me.
"MICHEAL JAMES WAY YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH TO YOUR BROTHER! HE'S ABOUT TO BE A DAD AND YOU KNOCK HIS CONFIDENCE LIKE THAT! I AM ASHAMED OF YOU RIGHT NOW! I LOVE YOU AND ALL BUT I SURE AS HELL DO NOT LIKE YOU ALL THE TIME! ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW YOU SHITHEAD!" And she flings the Car keys at my face. "CAR.DRIVE.HOSPITAL.NOW" She screeches running to the car.
"Alicia! I don't have jeans on!" I scream out at her.
"Too Bad, your Y fronts are also on backwards but we got places to be bitch." Fuck she's still pissed, so i guess it's the hospital right now. In my Y Fronts. Oh my god, i think i'm going to vomit all over my own entire 29 years of pathetic, controversial exsistence.
AT THE HOSPITAL
"UHHHH!"Lindsey groans as she takes my hand roughly. Instead of the way i pictured and imagined this to be ( all gentle and admiring and thankful for the baby she's about to have) She almost breaks every last skinny, tiny bone.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU DID THIS TO ME!" She wails.
"Arghhhhh!" We both screech because she's in shitloads of pain and my hand is almost definitely shattered and totally fucked.
"Linds! Oh my god!" Alicia dashes through the door and runs to Lindseys other side.
"Alicia i'm so glad you're here, the baby's coming!" Lindsey even forces a smile to spread across her porcelain like features. I swear it was meant to be the other way around.
"Hey Bro." I turn to meet my skinny asshole of a brother and to my horror. He isn't wearing jeans....
"WHAT THE FUCK MAN! I DON'T WANT MY BABY COMING OUT AND SEEING YOUR LITTLE PECKER!" Lindsey screams and i have to agree with her.
"WHAT THE FUCK MAN!" I curse him. He stand there blankly and points shakily towards Alicia. Our angered shouts turn to Alicia and it's soon very clear that Mikey is going to be hung, drawn and quartered when they return home.
This is a hck of a good time, my little brother getting a spoon full of his own medicine.
Only Mikey needs money to have a good time.