One-shot. Mikey tells Gerard a secret and is surprised when Gerard gets angry about it. But it turns out Gerard has a secret too...
My older brother Gerard looked at me “I don’t think I will be.” There was a moment’s silence “Have you done something wrong? I won’t tell Mom or Dad no matter what it is. Well unless it’s life-frightening or something.”
“I haven’t really done anything.” I mumbled “But I still know you’re gonna be mad at me. And I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me”
“Wow, now you’ve got me all paranoid.” Gerard turned and smiled at me “Come on Mikey just tell me.”
“Okay but promise you won’t get mad?”
“I’m not promising anything.”
I sighed but told him anyway “The thing is… There’s this guy at school and I’ve made friends with him. His name is Frank Iero and he’s probably my best friend. But I have a problem.”
“And the problem is?”
“Well I have feelings for him… The way I’m meant to feel about girls, I feel about guys.”
Gerard was silent and I went bright red. I didn’t know how he’d re-act to this. But I had to tell him. He’s my brother and best friend. We tell each other everything. So I knew I had to tell him.
“H-Have you told him?” I shook my head “Good. You keep this to yourself, you got that?”
I went even redder “Wha-What do you mean I should keep this to myself?”
“We have secrets for a reason Mikey. You should share some of them but keep others to yourself. This is one secret you shouldn’t tell anybody. Especially not Frank. Do you want him to hate you forever?”
“But Gee, what if he likes me back?”
“What makes you think that he’s gay as well?” Gerard snapped, leaping up from the sofa and glaring down at me “Just keep it to yourself, you got that?” He turned around and stormed out of the room.
My face felt like it was on fire. Although I’d told Gerard he’d hate me if I told him, I hadn’t actually believed he would truly hate me just because I was gay. I kinda thought that he’d be really understanding about this. Tell me that even if Frank doesn’t feel the same way then it doesn’t matter because he’d always love me anyway. But he really did hate me?
I hugged my knees close and rested my chin on them. Now I definitely knew I could never tell Frank how I felt about him. He’d re-act much worse than Gerard had. He’d never want to be my friend ever again. My eyes filled with tears but I refused to cry. I didn’t want Gerard making fun of me.
Gerard walked into the room and sat back down next to me then flicked on the TV. I looked at him “You don’t hate me?”
“Let’s just forget that we ever had that conversation.” Gerard mumbled, eyes fixed on the screen.
I looked down at the floor. I didn’t want to forget the conversation ever happened. And I also didn’t want to sit here and watch TV with my brother. He wasn’t the guy I thought he was.
I got to my feet and left the room. Maybe something had happened to Gerard today? As I crept up the stairs I thought about it even more. Around five months ago Gerard had been acting all weird. It was only recently that he’d gone back to normal. But that couldn’t have anything to do with the way Gerard had re-acted to my secret.
When I got upstairs, I looked at my bedroom door and then at Gerard’s. I couldn’t resist. So I crept into Gerard’s bedroom and closed the door quietly behind me.
It was extremely messy in Gerard’s bedroom. Much messier than mine was. There were clothes everywhere, the curtains were shut, there were plates everywhere with bits of mouldy food, random sketches tossed to the floor everywhere and the room smelt fusty. How could he live like this?
I pulled back his duvet and retched. There was a mouldy jam sandwich in there. Why was it even there? Did he sleep on it every night or something? I quickly put the duvet back and dropped to my knees to look under the bed. I found a long box and pulled it out. It was filled with more sketches and drawings… And also a small black book. I picked it up and opened it to the first page. My Diary – Gerard Way.
I didn’t know Gerard kept a diary. I started reading through the diary. It was mostly normal stuff about school work, comic books and a few song lyrics and then…
Today this new kid showed up at our school called Bob. I made friends with him in Science. He says he’s not that good at it so he’d like it if I tutored him. I don’t really have any friends except Mikey so it was quite cool.
Gerard had never mentioned a new friend called Bob to me. The next few pages were about Gerard tutoring Bob and how grateful Bob was and how much he’d learnt. And then suddenly, I found what I was looking for.
I can’t believe what I just did. I’ve just got home from school. I can’t ever return. I’ve done the most stupid thing I could think of doing.
I kissed Bob. I’d wanted to for a while but I didn’t think I’d really have the guts. I really wish I hadn’t.
He hates me. He told me I was sick and pathetic. That I had some kind of disease called ‘gay’ that he was worried he’d catch from round me. I apologised him and begged him not to tell anybody. Bob calmed down for a second and explained using harsh words that he wouldn’t tell but he never wanted to talk to me ever again. I kept saying sorry but he wouldn’t listen to me.
I’ve never felt so stupid or upset in my life. That’s it. I convinced myself that being gay wasn’t something so bad, that everyone would accept me for who I am. I’m an idiot. I won’t tell anybody about what happened. It’ll be my secret.
So that was why he hadn’t accepted me for being gay! I got up to my feet and ran down into the living room “Gee?” He turned his head to look at me “We need to talk.”
“Look where that got us last time.”
“I know you’re gonna be really mad at me but I read your diary.”
Gerard went even paler than usual “Why did you do that?”
“Because it’s not like you to judge people for something as trivial as their sexuality.” I explained calmly “Is it because of what happened with Bob?”
Silence then Gerard’s eyes filled with tears. He nodded so I went to sit next to him. I wrapped my arms round him and hugged him close “It’s gonna be okay Gee. He was an idiot to do that. You’re really good-looking, smart and funny. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”
“Y-You really think that?”
“Of course I do!” I paused “Do you really think I shouldn’t tell Frank I don’t like him?”
“I don’t know. He might love you back. He might not but still accept you for who you are. And he might hate you.” Gerard looked up at me “But I know one thing. I’ll always love you no matter what.”