I look at the posters on my bedroom wall to see the likes of Billie Joe Armstrong and Kurt Cobain looking straight back at me like they aren’t hanging wonkily on top of my old Thomas the Tank Engine wallpaper, corners peeling off from the blue tack and the odd tear in the closest things that I have to friends who understand me. Their eyes, captured forever on the age-dulled gloss of the scratched poster paper, still the exact same as they were yesterday when they watched me struggle away from my big brother’s wandering hands and lust-blinded pupils.
What the hell was Gerard doing?
He’s the closest thing I have, that I had, to a father figure and I thought that we were best friends. I thought that he’d never hurt me, only protect me like he thought he was doing when he beat up my Peterpanda. But he was doing that to protect me, was he? He was doing it because he was jealous.
Because he wants to have me pinned to my bed like he did yesterday, breath hot on my face and hands digging deep enough into me to leave bruises that Pete has kissed better enough times to make them almost not hurt anymore. Apart from they’ll always hurt, even long after they’ve faded from view because they document the moment that my big brother, my best friend and protector turned into a monster. Turned into a terrifying entity of malevolence and uncontrollable lust incapable of either hearing my petrified whimpers of protest or feeling my feeble attempts to push him off of my skinny form. His hands were everywhere, icy cold but leaving flaming trails in their wake, all forceful and rough; nothing like the caring big brother I thought he was and always would be.
But no, he’ll never be that caring big brother ever again because when I finally managed to push him off, he yanked me up by the scruff of my Batman t-shirt, the one he bought me for my birthday, and then he-
No. I don’t want to remember that, remember how he made me bleed and scream and bruise and flat-out sprint the two mile journey to my now boyfriend’s house.
“How the fuck could you, Gerard? He’s your little brother!”
At the sound of the pure, unbridled fury of Pete’s roar I pull my knees even further into my chest and clamp my hands over my ears, leaning back into my pillows in a vain attempt to drown out the sound of my two most important people screaming at each other in the downstairs living room. Because of me.
This isn’t my fault though, Pete said it isn’t. He told me that Gerard’s sick in the head and that I was just the closest thing to him to be a vent for his frustration, he told me that I didn’t do anything wrong to warrant the gash on my forehead or any of the rest of my Gerard-inflicted injuries, a black-eye and a nasty limp to name but two. Injuries that made me hide behind Pete when Gee opened the front door, that made me run straight up to my bedroom when Pete said that he had to speak to Gerard alone even though I know I should be down there with my boyfriend, especially as I know first-hand how much Gee’s punches really do hurt.
He punched me. My own big brother punched me. Punched me and kicked me and slammed me into my wall and yelled at me about being an ungrateful little shit. I am an ungrateful little shit. I know I am. Gee only ever tries to help me and I couldn’t even do one tiny little thing for him.
Would it have hurt if I’d let him… rape me?
Would it have been rape?
Technically yes because he’s legally an adult and I’m still nothing but a child in the eyes of the law. And obviously it’s not what I want either; Gee’s far from ugly and is, or I thought he was, one of the nicest people I’ve ever met but I’m not attracted to him like that, not at all. He’s my big brother, not my lover. That title belongs to my Peterpanda.
Pete was absolutely livid when I told him the whole story. Or rather, he was absolutely livid after he’d calmed me down and made sure that I was alright. Something which pleasantly surprised me because I thought that he’d hate me for what I let Gerard do to him, but he was my only chance of safety and my best shot at getting in out of the icy rain. I’m glad we’re good again, me and Pete; I don’t think that I’ll ever find someone as sweetly perfect and perfectly sweet as my Peterpanda. And even if I did I wouldn’t want them. My Peterpanda’s all I could ever want.
I want Gerard too though. Not in the same way that he wants me, but in the way that all kids want their big brothers. What I mean is, I want the old Gee, not the Gerard who tries to make me do things that I’m not even ready to do with Pete yet and who hurts me like I thought he never would.
“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want with my little brother, Wentz. He’s mine.” I hear Gerard growl at my boyfriend, at the only person who has the right to call me his without me really minding or feeling uncomfortable about it.
Hearing my own brother speaking about me as though I’m nothing more than a worthless possession breaks my heart, but to hear him talking about me like he’s not sorry for making me bleed and cry makes me feel like some sort of idiot for thinking that he ever did or could care. Because I am just some worthless and weak little freak who has to hide behind his boyfriend at the first sign of trouble. That’s why we’re back home; Pete forced me to come over so that we can sort this mess out with Gerard and so that Pete can make it all alright again. He promised me he would.
“No, he isn’t! Mikey’s not a possession, he doesn’t belong to you, Gerard. He’s a sweet little kid in need of a loving family and boyfrie-“
“Just stay out of it, Wentz. It’s none of your business.” Gerard cuts across my boyfriend’s desperate intervention of the argument that is fast turning into a shouting match, so much so that every syllable uttered in the living room is audible up here in my bedroom.
“Of course it’s my business, Mikey’s my goddamn boyfriend. Whether you like it or not.”
I can’t help but feel my heart swell in pride at the sound of my boyfriend sticking up for me like I actually matter, like he actually cares like I thought Gerard did and like he won’t ever hurt me because he truly does love me.
I thought Gerard loved me too and he still turned against me, still made me cry blood and bleed tears. What if Pete wants to hurt me too? What if he wants to make me do things that I don’t want to yet and turns nasty when I get frightened like the pathetic little creep that I am? What if he suddenly starts seeing the Mikey Way that all the kids at school do, then decides that all I’m worth is being slammed into a bedroom wall?
“Think about it, Gerard. He’s your little brother and, God only knows why, he needs you.” Pete sighs loudly, making a creaking thud sound that can only mean he’s plonked himself down on our worn-out old couch. “I know you hate me and I’m pretty sure you know that I hate you right back, but please, for Mikey’s sake, snap the fuck out of it and be the brother that he needs you to be, that he wants you to be.”
There’s a tense silence that’s filled with nothing but the anxious beating of my flustered heart and my desperate gasps as my silent tears start choking me into a panic.
“He’s a kid; he doesn’t know what he wants.” Gerard growls after a while, earning a strangled sob from my cracked lips that I’m sure neither of them can hear and an angry shudder from the downstairs floorboards as Pete springs to his feet.
“I fucking give up.” Pete all but explodes, making me jump even further into the open arms of my duvet at the thought of my boyfriend getting angry like Gerard did yesterday. “I’m taking Mikes home with me; you know where he is when you figure out how to be a decent human being.” Another silence grows throughout the house in which I feel my heartbeat slow down to it’s normal pace once more at the thought of going back to the safety of Pete’s bedroom, at the thought of Pete still wanting me. “But get this into your thick head right fucking now, Gerard; Mikey doesn’t love you like that and if you ever try to do… that, to him again or hurt him at all, ever, I will kill you. Got it?”
There’s hollow laughter from Gee, all unhinged and spine chilling.
“Fine, take him. He’ll come back to me in the end though, of course he will. I’m his big brother, after all. He’s mine.”
Pete must think nothing of the sincere words that haunt my heart like nothing else ever has because, before I know it, he’s stood in my doorway with a fresh black-eye and a soft smile soothed onto his lips for my benefit. But Gerard’s words rattle me even more than the front door that’s just been slammed shut downstairs, announcing Gerard’s departure. Gerard’s right; he’s my big brother. I belong to him even if I don’t want to. He’s always looked out for and after me, always done his best to give me a good childhood throughout our parents’ endless drinking and violence. I belong to him, I must do. Why would he lie?
I don’t want to be his though; I want to be Pete’s and no-one else’s. But what if Pete hurts me too, like Gee said that he would all those days ago when the two first encountered one another?
Gee’s all I really have.
“Hey, Mikes, you alright?” Pete’s gentle voice floods the silence of my whimpers, making me flinch away from him in fear as he wraps an arm around my shaking shoulders. “Shush, Baby. I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise. I’m just gonna take you to live with me for a while, okay?”
The only thing I can do is nod, the memories that Pete’s close contact conjures up in my mind scaring me out of speech.
All because I’m Gerard’s. He said so.
A/N: Sorry for adding onto this yet again, but I hope this was alright and that you liked it. I think that this’ll be the last part to this, so thanks to anyone who’s read/reviewed/rated this little series. Please let me know what you think! :)