What do you do when food is your worst enemy? (Frerard. One shot. Written for a contest)
I fucked up, I fucked up bad. I didn’t mean to do it, nor did I want to. I lost control, I failed once again. I swore to myself I wouldn’t let the enemy win again, but it did. I was a failure, a fuck up, I could never get anything right. I thought this was the only thing I could control, but I guess not. This wasn’t fair, I should be able to handle this the exact way I want to.
I shake my head I sit here shifting in my seat while Mr. Morris, my History teacher goes on about the bullshit involving the Civil War. I could care less about anything else right now, I can only concentrate on my mistake. I need to remove it before it goes too deep down, I need to do it before it’s too late.
My hands began to turn into fists as I impatiently wait for the clock’s hand to wind faster until the bell would ring. Then, I could run out of here and to my haven, where I could do my job without anybody bothering me.
100. 200. 300. 400. 500. 600. I was pushing it. I only allowed myself so many calories in a day, so why did I have to go and fuck it up? I exhale deeply and feel tears burning my eyes as I desperately attempt to come up with an excuse for Mr. Morris to let me use the restroom. He wouldn’t let me go anymore because I always went during his class for most of the semester. I couldn’t help it though, couldn’t he understand it was just something I had to do? I had to defeat my biggest enemy or else it would destroy me.
I feel guilt and failure take me over as I recall this morning where I had gotten up to get ready for school. When I had got dressed and fixed my hair, I went downstairs to retrieve my usual glass of water when my mom stopped me. She told me I was looking too thin. I scoffed myself and couldn’t help but wonder if she was losing her eyesight. Couldn’t she see I was a fat ass? I was ugly and disgusting, I don’t know how she saw me as too thin. I could never be so lucky.
Then she hurt me. She hurt me by opening the stove and pulling out the tray of banana nut muffins. The aroma I used to adore once upon a time now made my nostrils flare in disgust. She set them on the table and grabbed a knife before cutting one out, barely letting it cool before she handed it to me on a napkin and made me eat it. I didn’t want to. Oh god, I didn’t want to eat it. It was the most horrid thing she had ever done to me, making me…eat.
My throat starts to form a lump as I can’t take the guilt anymore. I need to get rid of it, I just have to. I raise my hand to grab the attention of Mr. Morris as he looks at me haughtily.
“Yes, Frank.” he sighs.
“Mr. Morris, can I please use the rest room, I don’t feel so good.”
“Mr. Iero, I thought we talked about this, I won’t allow you to keep-”
“Mr. Morris please!” I shout unintentionally, silencing the class and causing all of my peers’ eyes to stare right at me. I ignore and look at Mr. Morris pleadingly before he sighs once more.
“Fine go, but hurry back and I mean it Frank.” he replies as I sigh in relief before grabbing my black backpack and hauling ass to the boys’ bathroom. I check the stalls to ensure no one else is present that could possibly interrupt my daily ritual. When the coast is clear, I turn my body to the mirror. I automatically frown in disgust as my reflection stares back at me.
I feel as though my body is nothing but fat. No matter what I do, no matter how much I cut back on food, it doesn’t make a damn difference. My body will not become what I need to be…it’ll never be…perfect. The bags under my eyes don’t do mean a thing.
I run into the closest stall, and shut it before swinging my backpack off my shoulders and onto the dirty ground as I unzip the front pocket and search for my trusty friend. I smile as I feel it’s sleek surface and grasp it in my hand. I lean my head over the toilet and insert the toothbrush into my mouth, forcing it past my tonsils and attempting to hit my gag reflexes. After a few tries, I start to feel something, a moment of happiness overtakes me as I realize soon my problem will disappear. I continue to jam the toothbrush into my throat. The next movement causes the contents to finally rise up my mouth and escape into the toilet. I force myself to vomit up that damn muffin until I’m sure it’s not in my body anymore. It can’t stop it, it’s a must to not let those damn calories allow itself to harm my body. That’s what the enemy is trying to do, hurt me, and I won’t let it.
I force myself to continue to vomit until I taste metallic and realize droplets of blood are now dissolving into the toilet with the rest of the muffin’s contents. Even then, I don’t feel satisfied. As I try to go another round, I had no time to react to the footsteps bursting into the bathroom and opening the door to my stall.
“FRANK!” Gerard screams as I lift my tear filled eyes to him in pure horror shock as he studies my fragile form and casts his eyes down to the bloody toothbrush in my hand. I can’t speak. My throat feels to raw to even try to come up with an explanation.
“Frank, what are you doing to yourself?” Gerard whispered as he kneeled down to me and I could see his eyes had begun to become cloudy.
“Gee.” I barely whisper as I feel even more tears start to build up in my green eyes. I have no excuse. I had been caught. There was no way I could get myself out of this. I failed once again.
“I knew it.” Gerard whispered to me before shaking his head sadly. “I thought it was in my head, but now I know it’s true. I had my suspicions when you slept over last time, I just didn’t think…oh god, why Frank? Why would you do this to yourself?” he whimpered as I suddenly felt awful. Because it seemed like my reasons before were no longer good enough to justify. I could not explain to my best friend that I truly hated what I saw in the mirror.
“Because…” I whispered before looking at him as my voice trembled in slight pain. “Because I hate myself.” I whispered as I watched his face grow cold before he began to cry.
“Why Frankie?” he whispered back and I knew that he was just as destroyed as I was when he called me by my nickname…he only called me Frankie when he was disappointed in me. “Frank, why would you hate yourself…you’re perfect.”
“No I’m not!” I yelled at him furiously. “I’m ugly Gerard! I’m fat and I’m ugly, everybody thinks so!” I shouted, only irritating my voice more while my stomach began to churn. I heard the whispers, I heard the rumors, I even heard the insults hurled straight to my face. Nobody liked my body, nor did they like my height. I was horrid.
“It’s in your head Frank. Nobody thinks you’re ugly or fat, for fuck’s sake Frank even looking at you now, I can see your bones.” he sighed as he touched my fat arm gingerly.
“Frank, you have to stop this, you have to get help. You can’t keep doing this, you’ll…” he stopped mid sentence before his voice cracked. “You’ll kill yourself.” he finished with more tears falling down his pale white cheeks. “And I can’t let that happen, I can’t lose my best friend.” he added as I could only look down ashamed, ashamed I had hurt my best friend so deeply.
“I-I’m sorry.” my voice whispered. I couldn’t figure out what else to say.
“Frankie, promise. Promise me you’re going to get help before it’s too late. Promise me.” Gerard urgently asked me as I lifted my eyes to his hazel eyes and stared at them for a moment, lost in the depths of his orbs and how glossy they looked. I didn’t know if I could do that, I didn’t know if I could fully get myself to stop this…desire for control.
“I don’t know-”
“Promise me Frankie! Goddamn it, I’ll make sure you stop this. I’m not losing you, do you understand me? I’m not.” he lamented before suddenly he cupped my cheek. “Please Frankie.” he whispered completely broken, and I closed my eyes in guiltily, knowing I was the reason why. I had no choice but to look back at my best friend.
“And that’s what made me stop.” I spoke softly as Dr. Ross looked at me thoughtfully before she crossed her legs.
“I see. Now Frank, could I just ask…do you think you had this disorder, because you felt it was the only thing you could control?”
“Well yeah, I mean…I was going through a lot at home that I didn’t realize at the time. My mom seemed so happy, but she was really destroyed inside because of my father. School wasn’t much better when I was being bullied. I guess I just felt I could control what I ate and how much. I had the power to change myself if I really tried.” I explained as she nodded and scribbled down a few notes.
“And how have you felt lately Frank?” Dr. Ross inquired curiously while I shrugged.
“I feel great.” I answered.
“That’s good Frank. The baby, it’s doing well I assume?”
“Of course.” I smiled proudly as she smiled before the timer on the clock buzzed as she sighed before she turned her caramel colored eyes at me.
“Well I think we’re out of time. But Frank, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I can just imagine how hard it must’ve been. But please know that I think you are inspiration for recovering like you did. Do you ever still have tendencies about food?”
“No, not really. At first I did…but Gerard…he helped me.”
“Gerard means a lot to you doesn’t he?”
“Oh.” I sighed shaking my head. “He’s my world.” I finished as she grinned.
“Thank you again Frank, you’re free to go. I should have your story reviewed over the weekend, I’m sure it’ll help change other victims’ lives.” she replied as I smiled.
“Thanks to you Dr. Ross, I’m happy to have helped.”
“I’ll see you later Frank, have a great day.”
“You too.” I gave a wave before walking out of the cream colored room and down the contrasting hallway. I had come to known the clinic like the back of my hand. I waved to the receptionist before opening the door to the waiting room where I spotted Gerard reading his issue of Kerrang! He picked up on the way to my appointment.
“Hey sugar.” he smiled at me when he realized I had come out. He closed his magazine before standing up to greet me.
“Hey.” I replied as he planted a kiss on my lips.
“How did it go?” he questioned curiously as I shrugged.
“It went great.” I answered honestly, and if I was even more honest, it felt great to feel that way.
“I’m glad sugar, let’s go home?”
“Yes please.” I sighed as he laughed before taking my hand in his and the both of us happily made our way back to our home. I guess owed Gerard a lot. Ever since that day, he was there for my recovery, even when I was sure there would be no hope to fix me. The long visits with my therapists, the even longer nights I spent crying until I fell asleep was absolute torture. Being consumed by a monster inside me destroyed me, at least that was until Gerard saved me. I never realized how much he truly cared for me. It made me feel like shit when I realized how much I hurt more in the process. But miraculously, after all the trouble I caused, Gerard was still by my side. Because of my best friend, I had gained a new take on life, and for the first time in my life…I felt fully alive. He made me smile and love my life, and thanks to him I now believed in futures.
I sighed as I entered the comfort of my own home and it didn’t take long before I kicked off my shoes and sat my ass down on our couch. Gerard looked on in amusement as I scowled at him.
“It’s not funny, my feet are swollen.” I scolded him while he giggled and came over to me.
“How is junior anyways?” he asked grabbing my stomach rubbing my 8 month old bump.
“He’s great.” I couldn’t help but smile as he kissed it.
“Are you hungry?” he asked me softly as a small spread across my face.
More than most
Ready to smile
And love life
And she knows
How to believe