Ryan reveals how Brendon is feeling but that doesn't erase his mistakes.
"Wake up." My voice sounded unfamiliar to my own ears, causing me to jerk slightly. My movements weren't even what I expected anymore. Why was my body betraying me? It was as if Kacy controlled it and was now wreaking havoc for all I'd put her through.
I'd tripped not once, nor twice but three fucking times as I attempted to step up the stairs and on to the bus this morning since I'd gotten myself a motel room the other night. I couldn't handle being here if Kacy came back. I couldn't handle fighting with her again because I knew it was all my fault.
I loved her with everything inside of me but something just wasn't clicking. I wasn't showing it. It had gotten to the point where... I didn't even know how to show her I loved her anymore. Everything was different and everything was a fight. I was afraid of really being with her. The pregnancy scared me, her and Spencer bonding scared me... Everything was so scary. I never expected things to turn out this way.
Spencer's eyelids fluttered as he woke up from my harsh poking and prodding. "Wake up." I demanded again, not wanting to wake the others.
Spencer yawned but quietly got out of bed, as if he expected this situation to occur. Spencer was never surprised. If he was then he was damn good at hiding it. Together we walked out of the bus, neither of us saying a word. It was seven a.m. Kacy wasn't set to wake up until 8 a.m. She had a Dr. apt today. I wasn't forgetting... I just couldn't handle this shit with Spencer anymore.
I couldn't handle her games.
Even though I started it all.
I left a scribbled note above her bed, tacking it against the wall. It read: -I'm busy today, get yourself to your appointment.-
Now that I thought about it... that was a mistake.
Getting in to my car with Spencer was a mistake. Everything I'd done since lying to Kacy was wrong. It's as if that one choice had changed my entire life, putting me off track for the rest of my life. Would I always feel as if I was wronging Kacy? ... Would I always wrong her, despite knowing what was best and what I should do?
I wasn't stupid. I knew I was hurting her. I made the choices. I knew they were wrong but I just couldn't help myself.
As I drove down the road Spencer finally spoke up, "You're lucky."
"I'm really not." I dryly responded. He had no idea what was going on inside of my head. To know you're hurting someone that you're completely in love with... and not be able to stop yourself from continuing to hurt them? That wasn't lucky at all. I had the girl but... everything inside of me was fighting to push her away, against my wishes.
"You have the girl." Spencer responded, hiding nothing.
He had always been the better man. Hell, he would always be the better man. It was just the timing. I was married to her but that didn't mean a damn thing. She still had her sights set on him and I wasn't blind to any of the shit they did together.
"You want her." I knew it. I just needed him to say it. I needed my suspicions to be solidified. I was just waiting. It was as if my heart were taking a break but when threatened... I would jump in, fighting for my life with Kacy.
Why did it always have to be a fight? Why was I so careless unless my love life was threatened? That wasn't how things should be.
"I want her to be happy." Spencer's tone was changing.
"I can make her happy." My hands tightened over the steering wheel, as I gripped on for life. "I can provide everything she needs."
Spencer laughed, completely unamused with the situation. "Happiness isn't something that wealth can buy Brendon. You're going to learn that with Kacy here soon... and then with her baby."
"Our baby!" I snapped viciously. "It's mine too Spencer. Have you forgotten?"
"I'm reminded of it every single time I look at her." Spencer sounded disgusted. Hadn't we once been friends? "You're ruining her."
"I'm doing what I need to."
"By cheating?" Who was he to judge?
"I do what I have to." I whispered, trying to figure out just what that meant. I couldn't even understand myself anymore. I was afraid to... have sex with Kacy again. I was afraid of the intimacy involved with that. The emotional intimacy... Oh god, what was wrong with me? "I... Spencer..." My voice cracked as I parked, quite sloppily.
Spencer just waited for me to continue. He'd always been a great listener. Just what had he listened to Kacy say, while I was too busy to listen?
"I love Kacy, I do... She's still all I can think about but... sometimes that's scary." I whispered, realizing that my anger was evaporating. I'd never really been angry with Spencer. The entire time I had simply been frightened. What was I supposed to do about that?
I jumped in surprise as Spencer pulled me in to a hug. "I know." Spencer whispered in to my ear, hugging me tightly. I cried, feeling the tears slide down my cheeks. They disappeared on to Spencer's shoulder. "But your fear is going to ruin your marriage because Kacy knows something is missing and..." Spencer swallowed, fighting his own emotions. "She's something special. If you let her go then... that could be the end of your relationship with her, for good."
The alarm on my phone began to go off, causing me to let out a disapproving moan. I didn't want to get up. I felt as if I'd just fallen asleep. I heard Ryan moan as well, attempting to stay asleep despite the shrill beeping of my alarm.
I had to find my phone, which had fallen victim to my stack of blankets. Soon enough I found it but Ryan was already crawling out of his small bed, grumbling about coffee.
I saw the piece of paper tacked above my bed and reached out for it, falling back in to bed as I scanned the harsh words. -I'm busy today, get yourself to your appointment.- I just stared and stared at the words, horrified that Brendon would be too 'busy' to get me to a doctors appointment for our child. I... could drive myself, that wasn't a big deal but...
I wanted him there.
Ryan wandered back with a cup of instant coffee and after taking one look at me he buzzed over to my bed and sat down, wrapping his arms around me. "Hey, it's okay..." Ryan said, in a soothing voice. "Those hormones go back to normal shortly after birth. They won't kill you."
I actually laughed, nearly choking on the air I inhaled quickly. "It's not hormones." I managed to lecture. "I wish people would stop saying that."
"Oh." Ryan sounded horrified. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean that then." He squeaked out, trying to think quickly. "I meant those ... babies." He groaned. "I'm going to shut up. I haven't had nearly enough coffee."
I just pushed the piece of paper in to Ryan's open hand, not wanting to verbally repeat the words.
"Shit. Do you need a ride?" Ryan asked. "I mean, I can be ready now. Are we leaving now?"
"I... I can drive myself, it's fine." I replied, voice thick with emotion. "I just didn't think he would do this. It's one thing to ignore me but ... how could he ignore his baby?"
Ryan sighed, shaking his head. "Brendon is just scared Kacy. He isn't ready to be a father. He wasn't even ready to be a husband. I think he just feels like he's going to screw up so instead of try and screw up... He has completely given up."
I couldn't do anything other than nod. Was that the truth? Was Brendon just afraid that all of his trying would get him nowhere?
"But, no worries. I shall drive you. What time is the appointment?" Ryan asked, standing up.
"I have to leave in thirty minutes." I whispered, thinking Ryan's words over.
"Let me know when you're ready." And Ryan headed back to the kitchen.
"What if I do everything that I can and it- it just isn't enough?" I choked out, closing my eyes as I leaned against my seat. "What if it isn't enough for Kacy? What if I'm still not man enough, or whatever it is that she wants? And I- I've never done baby stuff... what if I can't even change a diaper or- or get it to stop crying?"
Spencer chuckled. "That's what the parenting classes are for. Remember, Kacy asked you to go?"
"Oh yeah..." How had I been so stupid? I remember saying I was busy when I really wasn't. I completely blew her off, again and again. "Who ended up going with her?"
"I did." Spencer replied.
Shit. "You've been playing my part pretty well." While I've been off fucking around. What happened to who I used to be? I would've died for Kacy but now... I don't think I'd even know if she were in danger, and if she was I wouldn't know what to do to save her.
"Someone had to." So Spencer was fairly pissed off at me. I couldn't really blame him.
"It should've been me." I was bitter. So very, very bitter.
"You had that choice."
"... How do I fix this Spencer?" Spencer was the only one that knew Kacy now. He really, truly knew her. I'd lost my connection to her but I desperately wanted it back. I wanted to be Spencer. I wanted Kacy to confide in me, laugh with me... love me.
My hands were sweaty as I sat in the horrifyingly silent waiting room. I hated switching around with so many doctors. I really didn't have a choice with all of the touring though. I never got the chance to stay in one place, making every single doctor appointment terrifying. I had no sense of awareness regarding where I was. Everything was new, nothing was comforting.
Usually I had Brendon.
He was the one constant but now that constant was drifting away, disappearing. Would he completely disappear?
After this did I really want to be around him? This had to be the most painful thing he'd done. I felt completely abandoned. I felt as if he'd abandoned his duty as father to our child. This appointment was about all of us, not just me.
"It's going to be okay." Ryan whispered in to my ear, wrapping his hand around my own.
But nothing was okay.
The eggs tasted bland, despite the restaurants high rating. I couldn't help but check my phone every five seconds since I knew today Kacy had an appointment. She hadn't texted me back. I wanted to be there for her but I figured either Jon or Ryan was with her, doing what Brendon should be doing.
He wanted to make things better, or so he said.
He wasn't really trying though. He wasn't doing what he had to do.
Kacy gave him every chance. She waited for him, trailing after him for affection. It was almost disgusting how much she wanted him to love her. It was as if the roles had been reversed. Beforehand Brendon trailed after Kacy, begging for her love. Now it was Kacy that was begging and it just wasn't right.
She didn't really know what she wanted.
I couldn't make the choice for her but I didn't want her to get hurt anymore.
I didn't want to give Brendon that chance.
So, should I really help him make a change or...
Should I let him sink, just as he'd let Kacy?