Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Illusion
Never Coming Home
0 reviewsGerard's living in New York and life's as good as it can be without Frank around, but then his fragile world starts to tear apart...
0Unrated
Gerard’s POV
It’s been over a year now since Frank left, Mikey and I get letters every now and then from his base in Qatar saying he’s okay and wishing us all well, I think it’s nice he still thinks of us, but I’m trying to do what he wanted me to do which is get on with my life, I’m still at college doing art which is going great! I guess Frank being gone has given me emotional influences for my work so I’m getting really high grades and it’s my 20th soon and I’m really excited but it won’t be the same without Frank. Mikey’s been okay, after the shock of him having to go to school on his own settled in he started to gain more confidence around people, he’s met some new friends and he hangs round with them at school, I’ve met them a few times but because I’m living in New York I haven’t really had chance to get to know them myself. But he’s still with Alicia although they did break up for a while after some kind of argument, but they got back together and now they’re closer than ever, I’m not going to moan that Frank isn’t hear, because he supported me when I went to college, and I know it’s only fair I support him in his decisions as he did for me, no matter how much it hurts me. I’ve tried to move on from him, but it just wasn’t the same, I mean Bert was an amazing guy and all but, he just wasn’t Frank. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault Frank thought the army was his only option, if I didn’t go to New York, Craig wouldn’t have beaten the shit out of him knowing I could beat him up, but I did go to New York and Frank did get beat up and then he left. But I understand why he did it, he was fed up of being treated like shit and feeling worthless, so he made something of himself, he went somewhere where no one could discriminate against him for any reason, somewhere where he felt equal to everyone around him, somewhere for him to meet new people, I feel guilty but Mikey’s reassured me that it’s not my fault, seeing Mikey now and again really helps me stay grounded, and not get carried away with my work. I’d got my own place now in New York, nothing fancy just your standard apartment, it had a nice view of the city and was a 10 minute walk from the college and there was a Starbucks over the road, the Starbucks is actually the only reason I got the place…
It was Saturday morning and I was sitting at my little kitchen table drinking coffee when the mail dropped through the door, the postman didn’t put it through my door, it was always the girl that lived opposite me, her name was Lindsey, she was really nice, she goes to college with me and we sometimes spend our free time together, she knows I’m gay, I didn’t even have to tell her, it was weird at first but I got used to it. I stood up and walked over to the door and picked up the mail, I flicked through the pile quickly. Bill, Bill, Crap, Bill, Take out Menu, Letter from Frank, Bill, Crap.
Wait…Letter from Frank.
I dumped the rest of the mail on the table and ripped open the letter from frank, I knew it was from frank because he always put a little ‘xø’ on the front of the envelope. When I finally got the letter out of the envelope, it read
Gerard,
I know this is kind of early but I don’t know when it’ll get to you, I miss you loads and hope you and Mikey are okay, I just wanted to wish you a happy 20th birthday, Mikey is probably planning a party for you and you better get drunk or you haven’t partied hard enough! I’m okay; I haven’t had any serious trips to the medic’s tent which is a good sign. Give Mikey my love, I love and miss you fuck loads
March 17th.
Frank xø
I smiled to myself after reading it, he did send it really early, he wrote that on March 17th, and it’s April 2nd now, Frank always remembers, he sent Mikey and I individual letters with about three pages each at Christmas telling us how much he missed us and how he was okay and didn’t want us to be upset that he wasn’t there, even though he’s not here, he’s the one that’s been giving me the most support to keep going, I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t send letters, I’d probably be curled in a ball on my bed back in Jersey doing nothing with my life and just wanting to die. Yeah that’s what the first week of knowing Frank had left had been like, it was horrific. I put the letter in one of my kitchen draws that I kept all my letters from Frank in and went on opening the Bills…the joys! That’s the only bad things about being an adult really, having to pay your way through life instead of your parents.
After I’d sorted out the mail, I made myself another coffee and sat on the worn, red fabric couch in the center of the small, living room and my phone began to ring, I looked around the room looking for the source of the noise and couldn’t see it anywhere, I stood up and lifted the cushions on the couch until I found it and answered.
“Hey Mikey, what’s up?” I said cheerily
“Turn your fucking TV on NOW!” he sounded angry, well angry or scared, it’s hard to tell over the phone with Mikey.
“Okay, Okay Jesus, what’s going on?…”
“Just put Sky news on!”
“Okay I’ll call you back…”
I hung up the phone and threw it onto the coffee table; I picked up the TV remote and flicked the TV onto Sky news. The female reporter was standing in a desert somewhere, she was slender and blonde wearing a light blue suit with a white blouse, the slip of writing on the bottom of the screen read ‘Breaking News: Military Base Attack during Ceasefire’ then the woman on the screen started to speak. “3 days ago, there was call for a ceasefire out here in Qatar, but about 10 hours ago, there was an extremist attack on a US military base. A recovery team, a medical team and forensics team are being flown out immediately to recover the soldiers and give them the medical treatment they need, currently there has been no statement made to say how many dead, wounded or missing. Back to you Rob.”
I was speechless. That was Frank’s base, Frank was there, he could be hurt, or even dead! I could feel myself panicking and my eyes were filling with water rapidly, I started to hyperventilate and then my apartment door swung open and Lindsey was standing there her eyes full of sympathy “I just saw the news…” she whispered, I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself down and I nodded. As the tears began to flood my face, she ran over to me on the couch and wrapped her arms around me and kissed my forehead softly “it’s okay, he’s going to be okay…” she whispered softly, trying to reassure me.
Three hours later Mikey arrived, Lindsey let him into the apartment and they got acquainted, but they soon came back to comforting me “Gerard he’s going to be okay, he’s small, he might have hidden in a small hole in the ground or something…” I looked up at him with a slight scowl, now really wasn’t the time for height jokes “Sorry Gee, I’m not good at this shit…I honestly don’t know what to say…” I nodded in understanding and Lindsey smiled faintly at him and rubbed his arm a little to let him know it didn’t matter “Gerard all we can do it hope for the best…” Lindsey said I nodded in agreement and Mikey smiled weakly “She’s right; I think all you need is some familiar faces around for comfort…” Mikey trailed off I looked at him “Yeah…you can stay the night if you want Mikes…” I muttered, he smiled and nodded “I’d love too.”
We spent most of the night listening to music, Lindsey had gone and bought us all Thai food and to be honest we had a good time, Mikey and Lindsey got on really well and we both discovered that Lindsey and Alicia went to middle school together, but then Lindsey got sent to an all-girls high school, the night would have been better if my mind wasn’t filled with thoughts and worries of Frank possibly being dead. When Lindsey reluctantly left Mikey and I decided we should go to sleep,
it took me about 2 hours but I did eventually fall to sleep, to have my dreams plagued with images of Frank’s dead body and what life would be like without him. I woke breathing heavily and with tears already rolling down my cheeks, it was still dark so I couldn’t have been asleep long, my eyes longed for rest but I fought my exhaustion, I couldn’t face dreams like that again. I took a deep sigh and stared at the ceiling. I knew I’d be living in constant fear of losing Frank until I found out if I actually had or not, and that could take weeks maybe even months, I sat up in my bed and then got up and headed to the kitchen, I made myself a cup of coffee, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep tonight, there was no point, I didn’t want to sleep, I was too scared of what images my mind would show me, I shook it off and poured the boiling water into the mug and stirred it into the coffee grains. I sat at the old wooden kitchen table, the only thoughts drifting through my aching mind were,
this has to be a dream
this can’t be happening
I can’t lose him
It’s all my fault
if I’d stayed in Jersey.
I’d probably be sharing a bed with him right now.
It’s all my fault.
It’s all my fault
When Mikey came out from the spare room, the skins around his eyes were red, he’d been crying. And he has a right to be, he’d known Frank longer than I had, and even though Frank and I were technically still dating, Mikey’s relationship with him was so much stronger than mine. He looked over to me “You look awful Gerard, did you sleep at all last night?” he asked concerned I shook my head and he sighed as he walked over to make himself some coffee “how are you Gee?” he asked quietly I took a deep breath “As good as I can be I guess…” I mumbled he sat down opposite me with his coffee “I don’t want to leave you here Gerard; you’re in no emotional state to be left alone.” He stated “what are you suggesting then?” I questioned, there was silence for a few minutes “Move back to Jersey, just for a little while, just until you’re well enough to go back to college and do things on your own, I know what you’re like when your mind gets the better of you…” he said taking a gulp of his coffee, there was another silence “everything in Jersey will remind me of Frank though Mikey…” Mikey sighed and placed his cup on the table and crossed his arms “Don’t you think that’d comfort you? Having the feeling that Frank is around?” he whispered, I sighed “It would yeah…” I said slowly, staring at the chipped paint on the table “I just can’t believe this is happening Mikey…” he reached over the table, placed a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes “I know, neither can I…” he whispered.
AN- hi guys, hope you liked this chapter, reviews and rates would be nice, I should be updating soon xoxo
It’s been over a year now since Frank left, Mikey and I get letters every now and then from his base in Qatar saying he’s okay and wishing us all well, I think it’s nice he still thinks of us, but I’m trying to do what he wanted me to do which is get on with my life, I’m still at college doing art which is going great! I guess Frank being gone has given me emotional influences for my work so I’m getting really high grades and it’s my 20th soon and I’m really excited but it won’t be the same without Frank. Mikey’s been okay, after the shock of him having to go to school on his own settled in he started to gain more confidence around people, he’s met some new friends and he hangs round with them at school, I’ve met them a few times but because I’m living in New York I haven’t really had chance to get to know them myself. But he’s still with Alicia although they did break up for a while after some kind of argument, but they got back together and now they’re closer than ever, I’m not going to moan that Frank isn’t hear, because he supported me when I went to college, and I know it’s only fair I support him in his decisions as he did for me, no matter how much it hurts me. I’ve tried to move on from him, but it just wasn’t the same, I mean Bert was an amazing guy and all but, he just wasn’t Frank. Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault Frank thought the army was his only option, if I didn’t go to New York, Craig wouldn’t have beaten the shit out of him knowing I could beat him up, but I did go to New York and Frank did get beat up and then he left. But I understand why he did it, he was fed up of being treated like shit and feeling worthless, so he made something of himself, he went somewhere where no one could discriminate against him for any reason, somewhere where he felt equal to everyone around him, somewhere for him to meet new people, I feel guilty but Mikey’s reassured me that it’s not my fault, seeing Mikey now and again really helps me stay grounded, and not get carried away with my work. I’d got my own place now in New York, nothing fancy just your standard apartment, it had a nice view of the city and was a 10 minute walk from the college and there was a Starbucks over the road, the Starbucks is actually the only reason I got the place…
It was Saturday morning and I was sitting at my little kitchen table drinking coffee when the mail dropped through the door, the postman didn’t put it through my door, it was always the girl that lived opposite me, her name was Lindsey, she was really nice, she goes to college with me and we sometimes spend our free time together, she knows I’m gay, I didn’t even have to tell her, it was weird at first but I got used to it. I stood up and walked over to the door and picked up the mail, I flicked through the pile quickly. Bill, Bill, Crap, Bill, Take out Menu, Letter from Frank, Bill, Crap.
Wait…Letter from Frank.
I dumped the rest of the mail on the table and ripped open the letter from frank, I knew it was from frank because he always put a little ‘xø’ on the front of the envelope. When I finally got the letter out of the envelope, it read
Gerard,
I know this is kind of early but I don’t know when it’ll get to you, I miss you loads and hope you and Mikey are okay, I just wanted to wish you a happy 20th birthday, Mikey is probably planning a party for you and you better get drunk or you haven’t partied hard enough! I’m okay; I haven’t had any serious trips to the medic’s tent which is a good sign. Give Mikey my love, I love and miss you fuck loads
March 17th.
Frank xø
I smiled to myself after reading it, he did send it really early, he wrote that on March 17th, and it’s April 2nd now, Frank always remembers, he sent Mikey and I individual letters with about three pages each at Christmas telling us how much he missed us and how he was okay and didn’t want us to be upset that he wasn’t there, even though he’s not here, he’s the one that’s been giving me the most support to keep going, I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t send letters, I’d probably be curled in a ball on my bed back in Jersey doing nothing with my life and just wanting to die. Yeah that’s what the first week of knowing Frank had left had been like, it was horrific. I put the letter in one of my kitchen draws that I kept all my letters from Frank in and went on opening the Bills…the joys! That’s the only bad things about being an adult really, having to pay your way through life instead of your parents.
After I’d sorted out the mail, I made myself another coffee and sat on the worn, red fabric couch in the center of the small, living room and my phone began to ring, I looked around the room looking for the source of the noise and couldn’t see it anywhere, I stood up and lifted the cushions on the couch until I found it and answered.
“Hey Mikey, what’s up?” I said cheerily
“Turn your fucking TV on NOW!” he sounded angry, well angry or scared, it’s hard to tell over the phone with Mikey.
“Okay, Okay Jesus, what’s going on?…”
“Just put Sky news on!”
“Okay I’ll call you back…”
I hung up the phone and threw it onto the coffee table; I picked up the TV remote and flicked the TV onto Sky news. The female reporter was standing in a desert somewhere, she was slender and blonde wearing a light blue suit with a white blouse, the slip of writing on the bottom of the screen read ‘Breaking News: Military Base Attack during Ceasefire’ then the woman on the screen started to speak. “3 days ago, there was call for a ceasefire out here in Qatar, but about 10 hours ago, there was an extremist attack on a US military base. A recovery team, a medical team and forensics team are being flown out immediately to recover the soldiers and give them the medical treatment they need, currently there has been no statement made to say how many dead, wounded or missing. Back to you Rob.”
I was speechless. That was Frank’s base, Frank was there, he could be hurt, or even dead! I could feel myself panicking and my eyes were filling with water rapidly, I started to hyperventilate and then my apartment door swung open and Lindsey was standing there her eyes full of sympathy “I just saw the news…” she whispered, I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself down and I nodded. As the tears began to flood my face, she ran over to me on the couch and wrapped her arms around me and kissed my forehead softly “it’s okay, he’s going to be okay…” she whispered softly, trying to reassure me.
Three hours later Mikey arrived, Lindsey let him into the apartment and they got acquainted, but they soon came back to comforting me “Gerard he’s going to be okay, he’s small, he might have hidden in a small hole in the ground or something…” I looked up at him with a slight scowl, now really wasn’t the time for height jokes “Sorry Gee, I’m not good at this shit…I honestly don’t know what to say…” I nodded in understanding and Lindsey smiled faintly at him and rubbed his arm a little to let him know it didn’t matter “Gerard all we can do it hope for the best…” Lindsey said I nodded in agreement and Mikey smiled weakly “She’s right; I think all you need is some familiar faces around for comfort…” Mikey trailed off I looked at him “Yeah…you can stay the night if you want Mikes…” I muttered, he smiled and nodded “I’d love too.”
We spent most of the night listening to music, Lindsey had gone and bought us all Thai food and to be honest we had a good time, Mikey and Lindsey got on really well and we both discovered that Lindsey and Alicia went to middle school together, but then Lindsey got sent to an all-girls high school, the night would have been better if my mind wasn’t filled with thoughts and worries of Frank possibly being dead. When Lindsey reluctantly left Mikey and I decided we should go to sleep,
it took me about 2 hours but I did eventually fall to sleep, to have my dreams plagued with images of Frank’s dead body and what life would be like without him. I woke breathing heavily and with tears already rolling down my cheeks, it was still dark so I couldn’t have been asleep long, my eyes longed for rest but I fought my exhaustion, I couldn’t face dreams like that again. I took a deep sigh and stared at the ceiling. I knew I’d be living in constant fear of losing Frank until I found out if I actually had or not, and that could take weeks maybe even months, I sat up in my bed and then got up and headed to the kitchen, I made myself a cup of coffee, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep tonight, there was no point, I didn’t want to sleep, I was too scared of what images my mind would show me, I shook it off and poured the boiling water into the mug and stirred it into the coffee grains. I sat at the old wooden kitchen table, the only thoughts drifting through my aching mind were,
this has to be a dream
this can’t be happening
I can’t lose him
It’s all my fault
if I’d stayed in Jersey.
I’d probably be sharing a bed with him right now.
It’s all my fault.
It’s all my fault
When Mikey came out from the spare room, the skins around his eyes were red, he’d been crying. And he has a right to be, he’d known Frank longer than I had, and even though Frank and I were technically still dating, Mikey’s relationship with him was so much stronger than mine. He looked over to me “You look awful Gerard, did you sleep at all last night?” he asked concerned I shook my head and he sighed as he walked over to make himself some coffee “how are you Gee?” he asked quietly I took a deep breath “As good as I can be I guess…” I mumbled he sat down opposite me with his coffee “I don’t want to leave you here Gerard; you’re in no emotional state to be left alone.” He stated “what are you suggesting then?” I questioned, there was silence for a few minutes “Move back to Jersey, just for a little while, just until you’re well enough to go back to college and do things on your own, I know what you’re like when your mind gets the better of you…” he said taking a gulp of his coffee, there was another silence “everything in Jersey will remind me of Frank though Mikey…” Mikey sighed and placed his cup on the table and crossed his arms “Don’t you think that’d comfort you? Having the feeling that Frank is around?” he whispered, I sighed “It would yeah…” I said slowly, staring at the chipped paint on the table “I just can’t believe this is happening Mikey…” he reached over the table, placed a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes “I know, neither can I…” he whispered.
AN- hi guys, hope you liked this chapter, reviews and rates would be nice, I should be updating soon xoxo
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