Fiona contemplates over her past, we found out about how she came to America, the relationship with Liam and the alley way the night Mikey found her.
I only walked about a couple of steps and I just couldn’t take it, these heels were killing me and being drunk did not help. I looked around to find refuge but there was nothing except another club which looked much worse than the one I was in before and an alley way, I decided to go in the alley way, it wouldn't be the first time I had been in an alley way on my own at night. I knew the dangers of it but I could risk it. Memories came flooding back of that night, the night Mikey had found me. I went back to those memories.
I was cold, freezing almost in the black dress I had decided to wear; I was as some would say an escort for the rich and powerful of the business. I wouldn’t have sex with these men; I was merely there to be shown off.
It wasn’t the job I had wanted though; I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to act; I wasn’t in it for the fame or the fortune, like some. In a way I had blamed my love of acting on some phycology reason of wanting to be someone else, anyone else really. The night Mikey had found me I was dealing with a bad costumer’s son who had thought I was a prostitute for him to just have his way with. He had taken me in the alley because he thought a rat like me belongs in one. Those words hurt but I was used to it I guess.
I hated myself ever since I was a teenager, it became apparent that I was extremely naïve when it came to life, I thought I was slightly better looking than average, I also knew I was never beautiful especially when you compare yourself against these bleach blond busty girls who don’t have to wear make-up and still look amazing.
But around high school it was clear than in fact I was not pretty at all, nor was I smart. I couldn’t sing, couldn’t dance, couldn’t do sports and the only thing I ever thought I’d be good at was acting but I got a B in my exam and I felt that if I couldn’t get an A then I couldn’t be an actress and if I couldn’t be an actress who could I be?
I felt absolutely worthless which is when I began to self-harm. I couldn’t talk to anyone, I had always been this happy, smiling girl and suddenly I was this girl who self-harmed. The words follow you to your grave, the only people who understand are the people who do it themselves and you are immediately judged as someone who is over sensitive, can’t get a grip on their emotions and is always depressed. So you can’t tell your friends, pfft like I ever had any, and you can’t find anyone because it looks a bit weird going up to someone saying “Do you self-harm?” They’d know something is up just by the question.
So here was this girl who self-harmed and was lost with her life, when suddenly her brother goes off to Cambridge University, the best university in Britain and she was being a failure at life.
My mum and dad started to fight and argue a lot, I remember waking up to my mum crying because of something, I immediately grabbed my iPod and listened to my music for an hour until I thought the cost was clear. They would fight all the time and I just couldn’t take it anymore so I had planned to move to America, when I was 18.
They couldn’t stop me I was legally an adult in Britain, so I moved to America and soon got a job in a stupid office, I hated it so much but I met Liam there and I guess I could never always be mad him. We had been with each other as friends for about 3 years, he was one of the people who wouldn’t judge, he had self-harmed as well but he had stopped a few months before I tried to.
At first when he told me I couldn’t believe it but I sympathized with him and that was how we became friends but when I told him even was even more shocked, he had seemed to be upset.
“Fiona, Why?! Why do that to yourself?!”
“Well it’s not like you can talk! You did it as well!”
“I know! I know I did!” He shouted at me from the other side of the room while grabbing at his hair like a mad man.
“So what gives you the right to shun me about it then!” I shouted back standing up in fury from the desk I had previously leaned against.
“I…Fiona…this is…it’s hard to explain, I was stupid, we’re both stupid.” He said silently as if to himself while looking at the floor and shaking his head.
“Liam it was nothing…”
This had torn into him, my words had obviously had hit a nerve. He strode towards me obviously angry, fists clenching at his sides. I backed up until I felt my body against the table. He pressed his fact to mine, our noses touching as he gritted his teeth and spat menacingly “Don’t you ever say that, don’t you ever say that what you did to yourself was nothing!”
“I just don’t like you worrying Liam” I finally said ripping my gaze from his.
He sank down into a crouching position on the floor his head exactly the same height as my knees, while holding my hands tightly.
“Just promise me something…”
“Anything” I responded back I little too quickly.
“Promise me that, you didn’t do this because of me. This may be what I thought was a solution before, Fiona, but now I know I was stupid. I just hope you haven’t thought this was the solution because that’s what I thought.” He said looking straight into my eyes.
I couldn’t respond properly to that, I just nodded my head, indicating that I promised him. He smiled ever so slightly and slowly stood up and left the room, leaving me to think about what had just happened.
I remember feeling so lost after he left; I didn’t know what to do or what to think anymore.
I was sitting in the alley way crying silently, I missed Liam. I didn’t care what he did; he was always there for me in a way.
He and I were going to see a movie and he had stood me up to see the same movie with the girl he liked from the office. I didn’t find out until a month later from Sarah who worked down in mail. I remember feeling horrible, worthless rejected, like it wouldn’t matter if I existed.
That day I had been so angry with him I wrote him a note on his desk to die for what he had done and I asked if I could quit my job. I couldn’t work with someone as slimy as him! I just wanted to die in a hole. Over the first day after I had left the note and quit my job I got 7 texts, 2 missed calls and an inbox on facebook, All from Liam. He wanted an answer so I gave him one, I told he that I knew and he stopped talking. We didn’t speak for about 4 months after that until he had found me in the park by the coffee shop.
My thoughts were blurred by a buzzing in the pocket of my coat. Mikey’s phone with Frank calling it. I sighed heavily, I didn’t know what I was doing with my life anymore, it had been such a fuck up and I’m still fucking up, even with these perfect men around to care for me. I put my head in my hands, I should go back to them I thought. Tears were still streaking down my face when I accepted the call.
“Fiona? Thank God you picked up. Where are you? Are you hurt?” Frank shouted desperately down the phone. The sound of his voice caused me to sob violently, I couldn’t take much more of this life, I was so scared for what I would stupidly do or worse what I might do to them, their careers or what might I do to Mikey!
“Oh Frank!” I sobbed loudly down the phone while bringing my knees up to my chin and wrapping my arms around them. “Frank I’m so scared! I don’t know what to do!”
“Fiona?! Where are you? Why are you scared? Someone hasn’t got you, have they? Fiona, please tell me you’re alright!” He pleaded down the phone.
“I don’t what I am anymore Frank! I just…I just want to go h-h-home!”
“It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay, we’re all coming to get you and we’re going to go home and watch all your favourite movies, just tell me where you are and we’ll come get you.” I could hear the tears forming in his voice. I knew he was trying to be brave for me.
That’s when it hit me, I didn’t know where I was, I knew I was in an alley way but that was it.
“Frank…I-I don’t know where I am” a twist in my stomach cause me to gag loudly, I felt as if my inside were being squeezed and torn apart. “Frank…I don’t feel well…please find me” I said quietly, unsure if he would hear.
“It’s gonna be okay Fiona, it’ll be okay, we’re looking for you now. Just think Fiona we’ll all be in the big bed watching all your favourite movies soon” I smiled at the thought as a tear rolled down my cheek. I felt a throbbing in my head and I was suddenly becoming drowsy
“Hurry” I whispered down the phone as darkness engulfed me in its warm embrace.
Sorry I haven't update in a while but I find it hard to get the motivation these days because I don't get many reviews or rates. I know I shouldn't complain but it feels as if no one is reading this any more :/
Anyway reviews would be really really really nice :)
I hope you like the story so far, Thank you so much if your still reading!