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Being fed up with Stan's and Francine's demands, Roger becomes a horror movie host. Things go from bad to worse when his antics effect the family.
Mystery Roger Theater 3000
by: Trenton Sands
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Roland Chang Positive Asian Agent.
It was a wintery Janurary day in Langley Falls. Klaus was in the living room bored in his bowl and Roger sees that as an opportunity to degrade him as he sees Klaus laying belly up.
Roger: What-cha doin' Klaus? You Te-Bowing? (laughs)
Klaus: No, I'm Whitney Houston dead in her grave.
Roger: Don't you think that's too soon?
Klaus: You're right! Even I found that to be in bad taste!
Jeff and Hayley walk in.
Hayley: Hey, Klaus! Would you like to come with us?
Klaus: Where are we going?
Jeff: We're going to New York City to occupy Wall Street!
Klaus: Oh, no! Not in this wetter! I'll freeze in mein bowl!
Roger: Wetter?! Wetter! (laughs)
Klaus: It means weather in German you asswipe!
Hayley: We have some weed to keep you warm!
Klaus: Wunderbar! Count me in!
Jeff and Hayley leave with Klaus. Then Stan and Francine walk in.
Stan: Occupy Wall Street! Ha! Don't those college kids know what they're doing? Or is it an excuse for them to smoke weed?
Francine: Weed! Wow! That takes me back....
Stan: Roger. We're going to Big Buy to get one of those HDTVs.
Francine: While we're gone, we need you to do some things on this list?
Roger: (reads the list) Okay, Frannie! You can count on me!
Stan: Good! I want this place Spic and Span when we get back!
Roger: Spic and Span? Is that a new racial slur?
Stan (disgusted): Just do it!
Stan and Francine leave and drive to Big Buy. Roger ignores the list and starts to watch a local TV show called Saturday Shocker.
Roger: Wow! Awesome! Salem's Lot is on!
Instead of doing chores, Roger ends up watching Salem's Lot and drinks beer and wine.
Stan and Francine were coming home soon, and Roger is drunk watching Salem's Lot.
Roger (drunk): Ahhhh! Who needs family when I get by with a little help from my friends! (picks up beer cans and imitates frog sounds): Bud! Weis! Er! Those were the days......man, I miss the 90's when I worked for Budweiser!
Stan and Francine walk in and see the living room is in shambles. Full of empty beer cans and wine bottles.
Francine: Roger! You didn't do anything!
Stan: Yes, and you're also drunk and watching Saturday Shocker! Is this some kind of ritual of yours?
Roger: Well, I forgot.....didn't know we had chores to do!
Francine: You are a member of this family and we expect you to do your share of the work around here!
Stan: That's true! You're like those pot smoking 20-something slackers who occupy Wall Street! 1% my ass!
Roger was drunk and slurring obscenities.
Francine: That's it! We're taking away the thing you love most!
Roger: I'm sick to death of you two nagging me! I'm glad I didn't do those chores!
Stan and Francine both pick up the beer cans and wine bottles.
Roger: NOOOO!!! Don't take away my Bud! Don't take away my Ernest and Gallio! They're All The Best!
Stan: Too bad! Want to make it up to us? Get a job! And to think we could've used this time to install our new HDTV! Son of a bitch!
Francine: Yes! We're tired of you sitting around and not doing beep!
Roger: Oh, yeah! I'll get rid of something you love, Frannie!
Then Stan gets a garbage bag from the kitchen, while Roger runs upstairs and gets a wand messager that was Francine's and her Oil of Olay and smashing both with a hammer.
Stan (walks back in the room): Whoever did that, thank you.
The next Saturday, Roger was gone. The HDTV was now in the Smith's living room. Steve goes around looking for him, and goes into the kitchen where Stan and Francine are.
Steve: Anyone seen Roger?
Francine: You're right. He's been gone for a week!
Stan: Maybe he either got his own place, knowing him probably somewhere around the red light district, went back to his home planet, or got a job. If only we could be so lucky!
Steve: Don't say that. Roger is a part of this family. We need to find him!
Stan: Maybe I don't want to find him! If you miss him so much, you go find him, Brian Tanner!
Steve: Okay. Maybe he's back home in the living room watching Saturday Shocker like he usually does.
Francine: That sounds like him....
Steve walked into the living room and found that Roger wasn't there. Steve turned on the TV, only to see Greg and Terry were on.
Greg: For those who are tuning into Saturday Shocker, it's been cancelled.
Terry: Now stay tuned for a new horror movie series, Comedy Horror Classics!
Greg: I'm glad that show went off the air!
Terry: Me, too! Wouldn't want Libby exposed to that.....
Steve: Mom! Dad! Think you need to see this!
Stan and Francine run into the living room. The opening credits to Comedy Horror Classics had a bunch of mummies, zombies, vampires, and goblins chasing a couple that looked like Stan and Francine, and both got shopped up into bloody pulps. Then the yellow moon turned into Klaus who got all bloody as he screamed. Then it shows Roger come out of a coffin dressed as a vampire.
Roger: The world is a vampire! Sent to drain! Secret destroyers! Hold you up to the flame! Despite all my rage, I'm still just rat in a cage! Hello, ladies and germs! I'm Roga Lugosi! Velcome to Comedy Horror Classics!
Stan: Is it me, or is this some Eli Roth project that's over everyone's heads?
Stan, Francine, and Steve were watching Comedy Horror Classics. The show had a haunted house theme. Roger also had a banana puppet friend named Banana Fana.
Roger (on TV): Today before the movie, I going to show you my latest invention!
Banana Fana: What is it, boss?
Roger: Ta da! Political Kleenex!
Banana Fana: Anyone who's ran in the 2012 election!
Roger: Exactly! We have Mitt Romney, Newt Gringrich, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum!
Banana Fana: I'll bet I can beat any of these dudes at Guitar Hero!
Stan: What? He's making fun of Republicans! He's going to pay for this!
Francine: Calm down, Stan!
Roger (hands Banana Fana a Kleenex): Here, have Ron Paul!
Banana Fana: Oh, Golly gee whiz! I can't sneeze on Ron Paul!
Roger: Well, maybe this pepper will help you!
Banana Fana (gets pepper thrown in his face): Hmmm, I don't know....I.......(sneezes repeatedly).
The sneezes Banana Fana makes earthquake-like effects.
Roger: Today's movie is a Hershel Gordon Lewis classic called The Wizard of Gore! For those of you perverts who like naked ladies, this is the movie for you!
Steve (excited): Naked ladies?! I am so there!
Francine (drags Steve away from the TV): Oh, no! Young man! The only movies you're watching are G rated!
As the days passed, Roger is now a local celebrity. But Stan and Francine are not impressed with his job as they discuss it at the kitchen table. They still want Roger to help around the house.
Roger: Isn't this great! I'm a horror movie host! I put Elvira to shame!
Stan: It's not a real job, dumbass! Besides, it won't last! In the meantime, you should respect us!
Roger: Oh, yes it will last! You're just jealous because I'm a famous Horror Movie host, and you're just a lowly CIA agent!
Stan: Yeah, well, a real job is something you're educated to do and go to everyday! With this you're like Adam Sandler in Big Daddy! Only working one day a week.... My tax dollars go to slackers like you! Them and trailer trash!
Francine: Stan's right! Even though you have this job now, you're still not holding up to your end of the bargin by doing chores around the house!
Stan: Everytime we ask you to do something, you're always working on your show.....
Roger: Shut the beep up! Both of you! Even though I'm a famous celebrity you still nag me to help you! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to work on a skit on my show that me and Banana Fana do in between movies! Oh, and just for the record, I'm the one that should be respected! Like Antwan Mitchell in The Shield! God, I miss that show!
Steve: Hey, Roger! I'll help you with the chores!
Roger: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You're not allowed to watch my movies! Francine still thinks you're a baby!
Steve runs away crying.
Stan: He's like these 18-24 year olds! Still living with their parents, and thinks they're entitled to money without having to work for it!
Francine: Well, he's always been a freeloader!
Stan goes to the garage and sees Roger make papier mache statues.
Roger: What do you think?
Stan: What the hell is this supposed to be? A John Travolta sex orgy in a Turkish bath?
Roger: Nope! This is celebrity pinatas!
Stan: Okay, as soon as you're done here, think you can wash my car?
Roger: No! I'm a celebrity! I shouldn't have to work! I am sick of you and Frannie nagging me! You're both always trying to ruin my fun! (takes the papier mache statues) Oh, and in case if you're wondering how I came to be a Horror Movie host, I answered an ad on Greg and Terry's Facebook page.
Stan: That's why? Anyway, I asked you to do this after.....
Roger: To quote Kevin Spacey to Annette Benning in American Beauty, "You don't get to tell me what to do!" (walks away)
Stan (calling out): You know Roger! You're suffering from an incurable disease! Kardashian!
The next day, Roger was on Comedy Horror Classics doing his celebrity pinatas bit. Stan and Francine were watching.
Roger: We hope you are enjoying our movie Doctor X starring Fay Wray.
Banana Fana: The King Kong babe!
Roger: Before we get back to the movie, we're going to do something new...
Banana Fana: Oh, boy! I can't wait! What is it?
Roger: Celebrity Pinatas! We have Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, Robert Patenson, and Jennifer Lawrence! Which one of these should we bash first!
Banana Fana: How about Robert Patenson and Jennifer Lawrence!
Roger: Awesome! (whacks pinatas) Take this, you blood sucking vampire-typecast! (shoots a bow and arrow at one) How do you like me now, Katniss? (laughs evilly) Volunteer as tribute my ass! (laughs evilly) You should be in The Glutton Games!
A bell is heard.
Banana Fana: What's that?
Roger: That's the sound of my neighbor coming home! (gets a puppet that looks like Stan) Gassy Assy!
Banana Fana: Gassy Assy? I hate that guy!
Roger (makes Stan puppet talk): Roga Lugosi! Stop with all this fun! I hate fun! You and your Banana friend have no respect for authority!
Stan: What the.....
Roger (regular voice): Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to.....(makes Stan puppet talk): You better! Or I'm going to make you go on Beyond Scared Straight! (regular voice): Hey, Gassy Assy. Do you like toilets? (as Gassy Assy): I guess....
Then Roger give the Gassy Assy puppet a swirly in a toilet.
Banana Fana: That's what we do with fun haters around here!
Stan: I'll kill him! I swear I'll kill him! He's ruined this family for the last time.....
The next day, Stan and Francine were getting groceries and they are stopped by a gang of teenagers.
Francine: Oh, no. Gangs! I was a gangster's girlfriend once.
Stan: Don't worry, I'll handle this......you know this is a schoolnight! You all should be at home doing your homework.....
Teen Gang Member #1: That's why we're here to kick your ass!
Teen Gang Member #2: You're Gassy Assy! You sure live up to your reputation!
Teen Gang Member #3: You won't let Roga Lugosi have fun! He's cool, you suck!
Teen Gang Member #4: Get him!
Then the Teen Gang Members all beat up on Stan. There was nothing he nor Francine could do about it. Francine stood there and screamed when it happened.
Francine: Stan! Speak to me.
Stan (moans weakly): Call an ambulance.... (coughs)...Did you really date a gangster at one time?
Francine: It was before I knew you.
Stan and Francine were in the kitchen, Francine was cleansing Stan's wounds.
Francine: Does it hurt when I do this?
Stan (screaming): beep Yeah!
Steve walks in the door and he's beat up, too.
Francine: Steve! My baby!
Roger (walking in): You rang?
Stan: Don't quote Lurch to me you son of a bitch!
Steve: You bastard! Your little puppet stunt got me beaten up!
Roger: Well, writers take from their lives....
Francine: That's no excuse! You are going to stop with this Comedy Horror Classics show!
Steve: Because of you, I got beat up by Lisa Silver and her band of cheerleaders! Now everyone in school is calling me "Son of Ass!"
Stan: I got beat up by a gang of teenage deliquents!
Roger: What do you want me to do about it?
Francine: Exactly what you've been doing. Absolutely nothing!
Stan: That's it! I've had it! I'm through with you! You're a bigger lost cause then Hayley! From now on, we're just going to let you do whatever you want!
Roger: Okay, then! For my next skit on my show, I'm going to reenact that Mouse Organ bit from Monty Python's And Now For Something Completely Different!
Francine: No, Roger, you can't....
Steve: You know what? Fine! Go ahead and do it!
Stan: We're not stopping you anymore. Your bit sounds wonderful!
Roger: Other families have problems, too? Right?
Stan: Not this much. Just ones with aliens!
The next day, Roger is on Comedy Horror Classics about to do his bit. Francine, Stan, and Steve are watching.
Stan: Let's hope this leads to Roger's demise!
Steve: I'm sure it will!
Roger: Okay, Banana Fana! Dario Argento's movie Susperia will be back! But first. We're going to do a little British comedy!
Banana Fana: Haven't seen that since I went to a Rolling Stones concert!
Roger has a fake piano made of plywood. He has dead mice under the opening. Banana Fana hands him some wooden mallets.
Banana Fana: What exactly is this?
Francine: Oh, my gosh! He's going to kill those mice! We have to stop him!
Steve: Yes, maybe we should!
Stan: No! If Roger gets in trouble for this, it's his own fault! Let him mess himself up like he usually does!
Roger: This is called a Mouse Organ. From my favorite Monty Python movie And Now For Something Completely Different! It goes a little someting like this........
Banana Fana: Hit it!
Roger (pounds the wooden mallets against the opening): MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM!
Blood splatters all around, and then a crash is heard and a hole is made in the studio.
Banana Fana: What the beep?!
They were members of PETA.
Roger: As Roger Daltrey would say, "Who Are You? Who? Who? Who? Who?"
Peta Member #1: We are members of PETA! That was evil what you did to those mice!
Roger: But they were already dead!
Peta Member #2: Doesn't matter! We're going to get you! AFTER HIM!
Roger gets chased out of the studio by the Peta members!
Banana Fana: We now return to your regular schedule progamming, already in progress!
Stan (clenching his hands): Good! Good! Roger finally got his in the end! I'm going to go to that studio and cancel that show once and for all!
Francine: Well, looks like no more Comedy Horror Classics!
Steve: I'll never show my face in school again!
Scene 9 Conclusion:
At a gay bar in Langley Falls, Greg and Terry are there having drinks.
Greg: It is so wonderful to have a place just for us!
Terry: I agree with you, lover!
A crash is heard and in comes Roger who is screaming as he's being chased by Peta members!
Roger: HELP!!! HELP!!! HELP!!!!
Greg: Well, that ruined my day!
Terry: How about I do the Can Can dance?
Greg: Love it!
Roger is being chased down the street and Principal Lewis tries to stop it.
Principal Lewis: Stop this! This is a school zone!
Roger and the Peta Members trample on Principal Lewis, who is now badly injured.
At Groff Community College, in a locker room, some basketball players are terrified of their coach.
Basketball Player #1: Coach is going to kill us, dude!
Basketball Player #2: He thought we were showboating!
Coach (throws feces at the players): You guys play like.........(sees Roger run into the locker room getting chased by Peta Members) What the beep!
Roger: AAAAHHHH!!! Excuse me! Pardon me! Coming through!
Somewhere in a park in Langley Falls, there's a Mafia wedding going on.
Priest: Do you Tasha take Vinny to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Tasha: I do.
Mafia Don (Marlon Brando voice): I have to do a favor for someone on the day of my daughter's wedding.
Priest: Do you take Tasha to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Vinny (New York accent): I do!
Priest: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and........(sees Roger being chased): Jesus Christ!
Roger: Mafia Don! I need a favor from you!
Mafia Don: What is it?
Roger: I'm being chased by these crazy animal rights people!
The Mafia Don orders his hit men to shoot up the Peta Members. One by one they are all shot and died. Roger is freed and about ready to faint from all the running.
Roger: Thank you.
Mafia Don: You made an offer and I didn't refuse! It was my daughter's wedding! Always do favors!
Stan arrives on the scene.
Roger (breathing heavilly): Stan! From now on, I'll do everything you say!
Stan: Damn straight you will! You didn't do anything me and Francine told you to do, you got a job and exploited my family with your stupid Hee Haw Horror Show, and you got me and Steve beat up! What do you have to say for yourself?
Roger: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! (faints)
Stan (to the screen): And that was our episode, folks! Hope you enjoyed it! See you next week when Roger and Klaus pull a publicity stunt involving a flagpole and I go to a roller rink with Francine, Jeff, and Hayley! Do we all have what it takes? Stay tuned!