A person could seem to be perfect but hardly ever was. I was far from perfect, always would be. JONCER
Things I would never achieve. All words I would never be; could never be. Words that on paper looked so easy, but to apply them was the hard part. A person could seem to be perfect but hardly ever was. I was far from perfect, always would be.
I clutched my toothbrush, holding on as if it were my last lifeline. I hunched over the toilet bowl gagging myself until I tasted the sweet acid at the back of my throat, relishing in the burn of perfection only so far away.
There was a knock at the door. “Spencer? Spencer are you alright in there?” Jon’s melodic voice rang out.
I retched loudly, pulling the toothbrush out of my mouth. Jon could never see me like this. He would know how imperfect I was, how so completely insignificant I was. He would know how just being with me tainted his flawlessness, because that’s what Jon was; flawless.
“Spencer? Did you just throw up? Are you alright? I’m coming in.” No! He couldn’t come in; he couldn’t see me like this. I wasn’t perfect yet! I wasn’t perfect for him, not by a long shot.
I heard the door creak open and Jon’s flawless form walked in. Why didn't I lock the door!? Jon gasped when he saw me. His eyes wandered to the toothbrush in my hand and then to my face. I saw tears spring into his beautiful brown eyes. “Spencer.” He said simply. He sat down next to me and brushed my hair out of my face. He wrapped his long arms around me, placing my head right over his beating heart.
The tears came hot and fast. He knew, he knew I wasn’t perfect for him. He knew I would never be perfect and beautiful, what he deserved. Soon he would let go of me and tell me how worthless I was, tell me how undeserving I was of someone so fantastic, how I was unfit to live.
I buried my face in Jon’s torso. I clung to his t-shirt with all of my strength, hoping that if I held on long enough, maybe he wouldn’t leave. I felt a sob rip through my chest and Jon stroked my head.
Perfect. I would never be perfect. Not for Jon, not for anyone. I wasn’t perfect, but I wanted to be. So desperately wanted to be.
I didn’t realize I had spoken aloud until Jon shushed me, “Spencer, you are flawless. You are wonderful and beautiful and funny and smart. You are perfect, because you’re you.”
I looked up at him through tear-filled eyes. He couldn’t actually mean that, could he? Had he looked at me lately? I was far from perfect. I was ugly, fat, disgusting. There were so many words that could be used to describe me and perfect was not one of them.
Jon was perfect. Jon was beautiful and smart and funny and wonderful. I wasn’t, I just simply wasn’t. He pulled me up off of the floor and stood me in front of the mirror.
“Do you know what I see when I look at you?” I shook my head. “I see the most amazing person in the world. I see a wonderful friend, someone who cares so much. I see someone who’s beautiful, someone who deserves more love than I could ever possibly give. I see someone who is so completely beyond my worth that it amazes me.”
Tears filled my eyes as he spoke and I knew he meant it. The words circled around my head and for a moment I caught a glimpse of the person he saw. I turned around and crushed my lips to his.
I pulled back looking into his earthy eyes, brimming with love, and believed his perfect words. Only for the fact that it was Jon who spoke them.