(Brendon's perspective) This is so mortal of me, becoming overwhelmed by silly feelings. Love, happiness, confusion. Do I really love Ryan?
Lately, I've been wondering about Ryan. He's been very quiet, unlike his usual vigorous self. Even after concerts he's been settle.
After the show we returned to the bus, in which we are presently drinking in. The aroma of sweat, beer, and the scent of the concert hall lingered. Ryan had downed two beers and I'm only halfway finished with my first. Usually I'm the one who looks like an alcoholic. I watched as he rubbed his fingers along the rim of the empty bottle, staring into it with a confusing face I couldn't read. Which is quite interesting considering I know him better than I know myself. He's like family, I love him like a brother. He set his bottle down, the noise of it hitting the table distracted Jon and Spencer from whatever they were laughing at. I haven't been paying attention.
“I'm going to the bunks, kay guys?” He tried to sound tired though it didn't work. We could all hear beyond his voice.
“Yeah” Jon and Spence replied.
“Kay, we'll see you in the morn then.” I said, desperately wanting to know what's bothering him.
As soon as he shut the door to the little room in the tour bus, the three of us looked at each other. We were all wearing the same “what's wrong with Ryan” face. Only a half an hour later was it that Jon and Spencer had basically inhaled, five beers and were drunk, about to fall asleep. I had tried to stay somber because I wanted to talk to Ryan. I set down my first bottle, which still was only halfway empty. How could I drink when Ryan is like this. It digs inside me when he's sad, like someone taking an electric screwdriver to my chest. They push it farther and farther under my skin until I find out whats going on.
They soon crashed on the small, black couches Spencer's mom had provided for when we were on tour. I took advantage of this time and quietly got up and slowly opened the door to the bedroom, hoping Ry hadn't fallen asleep. I closed the squeaky door behind me and tried to navigate through the darkness. I climbed into the bottom left bunk, which I slept in every time we ride in this horrid bus. When I sat down there was movement and I'm almost certain my heart skipped a beat. I sure as hell didn't expect anyone to be in my bed. Ryan sat up, his heart beating so fast I could hear it. Mine was going to, I thought it would pop out of my chest.
“Ryan?!?” I tried to whisper, but inside I was yelling.
He jump off the bunk, hitting his head on the awfully close bunk above. He pounced onto his rightful bunk, the one right above mine, and was silent for the next five minutes. They had seemed like eternity. Each motionless second turned into a soundless minute, and each minute was like hours. I could no longer sit still in such a tense environment. And I could no longer think in such a confusing situation.
I peeked over the top of my bed, the bed frame creaked, not respecting my wish for it to be silent. My eyes were like an alligators, just barely out of the water, spying on the prey I would soon claim.
I couldn't help but wonder what was going on inside that head of his. I mean, he's been an alien for the past week. I found Ryan laying on his side, facing the wall. He looked like he was made of stone in the dark, so gray and still.
I swung my leg over the edge, then froze, wondering how the hell I had gotten it up that high. Then I continued with my mission. I struggled to pull the other side of me up. I laid there for a few minutes, of course he didn't say a thing, or make one move, just remained a statue. With my knees up to my chest I curled up to his back knowing it would grab his attention. I was right. He instantly snapped around and faced me.
“Brendon?!?” he mimicked my tone from earlier when I had scolded him.
I just smiled innocently and tilted my head slightly to the side to get the full effect. He couldn't help but smile back, revealing his beautifully straight teeth. They were just perfect. That's the first time I had seen his eyes glow and cheeks perk up due to a smile since he's been acting weird.
“What's been bothering you lately?” I asked in the calmest voice possible.
“It's nothing Brendon. Where are Jonathon and Spence?”
“They're wasted.” I replied bluntly.
He laughed silently, we were still trying to whisper. His laugh was like an angels gentle cry, so soft.
“So are you going to tell me whats going on or...” I sounded sarcastic and impatient.
“Fine, keep your panties on Bren.” Bren? What was that? A pet name? He chuckled then got serious, “I just-” he trailed off, “nah.” he said then started to turn back towards the wall
I couldn't let him get away from this now. I was so close to solving this mystery. Before he could turn completely over on his side I wrapped my arm around so he couldnt move anymore. I bent my elbow to pull him back facing me. My eyebrows were raised as if saying, “Really Ryan, I don't think so.”
“I love you.” he said to me
“Hey bro, I love you to so if you tell me whats wrong I can-”
“No, Brendon.” he cut me off, “I love you.”
I froze. The only reason this alarmed me is because I could tell he was serious. The unusual glow in his eyes told me he didn't mean brotherly love. What was he saying? He had never shown this kind of affection for me, why did he all of a sudden love me. I didn't understand. Then something unbelievable happened. He leaned forward and pecked my lips. His lips were as soft as his skin and as smooth as his hair. That's all I could feel though because I was in so much shock. Not just because he kissed me, but because it felt right. I enjoyed his skin against mine.
He laid on his back for a few moments before he turned his head and looked at me with glaring eyes. They dug deep down past my skin, into my soul they poured out all the emotion they'd been holding in this whole time. Agony, embarrassment, anger, confusion, sadness. Love. Right in the eyes he stared at me for only a fraction of a second which had seemed much, much, longer. Why did time always drag in awkward moments instead of getting it over with, ripping it away like a bandage. Finally he turned over and my heart searched for refuge from the trauma it had just suffered. Unfortunately, there was no place for it to hide.
My heart was beating as fast as a hummingbirds wings, traveling so fast I could hear it. I hope Ryan cant. So many emotions were streaming in the room they were overwhelming. I tried to stop them but I could only do so much, I am human. I closed my eyes hoping they would disappear but they all got louder. This is so mortal of me, becoming overwhelmed by silly feelings. Love, happiness, confusion.
Do I really love Ryan?