“You probably wont remember this AGAIN. Call me at this number when you have time, I’m filming the video today, YAY!” He also drew some weird monkey thing on it. I smile and get in the shower. I hear the bathroom door shut and I jump.
“Hey babe! Just got off of work!” Chad says. I peek my head behind the curtain and see him leaning against the wall.
“So I see you found my necklace” He says pointing to the sink. And there it is, laying there. I don’t remember putting it there.
“Yeah, Told you it was safe” I put my head back into the shower and wash my shampoo out.
“What I don’t understand is why you didn’t call me when you got home” He says in a harsh tone. I flinch a little.
“Sorry I came home and crashed, I was so tired from the day” I lie.
“Oh okay, well I hope you had fun and got plenty of rest. I want to take you to dinner tonight” He says easing up.
“Okay, where?” I ask. He laughs
“Red Lobster” Chad replies, I get butterflies in my stomach and smile. He knows that is my favorite restaurant.
“Okay!” I say excitedly. I hear him close the door and sigh. What am I doing? I can’t keep seeing Gerard, I have a boyfriend. What am I supposed to do? Then I decide I am going to call Gerard today and tell him that I can’t see him anymore.
My lunch break couldn’t come fast enough. I was dying to find out what happened and dreading telling Gerard I couldn’t see him anymore. I pick up the phone in my office and call the number Gerard left on my foot. It rings a couple times before a deep voice answers.
“May I speak with Gerard please?” I ask politely. I hear some scuffling on the other end and then Gerard answers.
“Hello?” he answers. My heart rate peaks just talking to him.
“Hey Gerard it is me Johanna” I reply.
“Oh! Hey what is up?” He asks.
“What happened last night?”
“A lot of stuff, want me to tell you ALL of it?” he asks.
“Yes I do” I say hoping I don’t regret the decision. Gerard sighs on the other end
“Okay well, We got more shots, we both got pretty hammered you more than me. We then went to a park where you insisted on trying the pills I use to get high so I gave you some and you were claiming you loved it. We walked and you stole some ones bike and tried to ride it up and down the street but failed. We went back to the restaurant Ray drove you and I back to your house in your car. We walked into your house Pickles scared the shit out of Ray so he left. You then went into your room grabbed your necklace gave it to me and told me to pawn the POS. So I went into your bathroom put it on your sink and when I came back you were passed out” He takes a deep breath in and I know he is smoking a cigarette, making my mouth water craving one.
“Okay well um thanks for telling me, at least it isn’t as bad as last time” I say laughing. He laughs too.
“So you want to do dinner again tonight?” He asks. This is where I have to tell him I can’t see him anymore he is ruining everything.
“No I am going to Dinner with Chad tonight at Red Lobster I am sorry, but Gerard listen I don’t think we should be hanging out anymore, not because of the drinking or anything just because I have a boyfriend and hanging out with you all the time is just making things more complicated between us..” I say trailing off. The other end is silent and I can feel the tears.
“I understand completely sorry to have made your life fucking complicated” and with that the phone slams down. I sigh and close my eyes. My heart hurts, why? I don’t know. I get a sudden urge to have a cigarette and drink. I look at the clock and I still have 30 minutes. I grab my car keys and go down to the local gas station. I buy a carton of cigarettes and bottle of vodka. I sit in the parking lot and light a cigarette and take a swig of vodka, I begin to relax and feel better. 3 cigarettes and some vodka later I walk into the clinic feeling happy and relieved. I take a mint from my desk drawer and walk in and start doing my appointments.
Chad and I go to dinner and I am feeling happier. Chad rest his hand on my leg the whole driver over. We get out of the car and walk in and wait to be seated. Chad has his arm around me and a snuggle into his side and sigh. THIS is how it should be. Me and him having dinner. But yet I can’t help but wonder what if he was Gerard? What would it be like snuggled up to him? I shake my head getting the thought out of my head.
During our meal Chad and I make small talk. I am in the middle of eating my shrimp when I look over and see Gerard with the bleach blonde tramp from the bar. He did this on purpose! My heart beats faster and I feel angry and…jealous. I glare over at the table and he is laughing and touching the tramps hand. My heart twinges and I see green.
“Johanna?” Chad asks. I shake my head and look over at him and smile. He gets out of his chair and down on one knee. OH MY GOD!! HE IS GOING TO PROPOSE!! My heart is going faster and my palms are sweaty.
“Johanna, I love you so much. You mean more to me than anything on this planet. I want to be with you forever. We have been together 9 years, and I want to make that 50 more years with you. I love you will you please be my wife?” He opens a small black box and in it is a beautiful diamond that sparkles in the light. I gasp and cover my mouth. I look around the room. Everyone in the room is stairing at us with their hands held over their hearts smiling. I look over to Gerard and he looks angry and his hand is in a fist. My heart skips when I see him. I look back at Chad and into his deep blue eyes, how can I reject him in front of all these people? I sigh and smile.
“Of course!” He puts the ring on my finger stands up. He leans down and smashes his lips against mine. I can hear awing in the background. When he releases me he sits back down and has a huge smile on his face.
“You just made me the happiest man alive Johanna!” He leans across the table and gives me another kiss. I look over and see that Gerard is gone and so is his date. I have the urge for a drink and a smoke. I love Chad, I think. But these weird feelings for Gerard how do I know that it isn’t love with him too? I am crazy there is no way I love him, I’ve known him less than a week.
We get home and Chad starts to kiss me and doesn’t stop. His hands are all over me. I push away and a take a breath of air. “Chad no, not yet” I say pushing him away from me. He frowns.
“But we are engaged we are going to be married so why can’t we?” He asks pulling me closer. I push away again.
“I want it to be on my wedding night, just please….” I say crossing my arms.
“Fine, I understand and respect your wishes” He pulls me in and kisses me. “I am just so happy you are mine!” He picks me up and twirls me while kissing me. I smile.
“Hay babe Listen I left something in my car, I am going to go get it okay?” I give him a peck on the lips and walk out the door to my car. I reach under my car and find the cigarettes and bottle of vodka . I light a cigarette and talk a drink of the vodka and cringe at the taste. I start to relax, I take more and more drinks until I am feeling dizzy. I put the cigarette out put a piece of gum in my mouth. I get out of the car and stumble a bit. I look to the end of the drive way and see a someone standing there. They get closer and I see it is Gerard. Even in my drunken state my heart beats hard at the sight of him.
“Congrats” he says in a low voice. I smile
“Thankyouverymuch” I slur. I hear him laugh. I laugh too not knowing why, I just feel so relaxed and happy when he is around.
“I see you have been drinking” He says. I nod.
“Yup! I am so happy about this engagement” I say happy like to make him jelous. But the look on his face it worked.
“Then Why did you sneak off to your car to get a drink? And smoke?” I look at my car and back at him. How long had he been watching? I step closer to him.
“To celebrate duh!” I say laughing.
“Well good I am happy for you” He says in a monotone voice. I smile.
“If you are celebrating then why do you smell like beer?” I ask. Gerard smiles a crooked smile and sticks his hands in his pocket. He looks so cute my heart races.
“To Celebrate! DUH!” He says in a mimicking tone. He looks deep into my eyes and steps closer. It feels like there is fire between us, and I don’t mind this burning feeling. He knows I am not happy about this engagement and don’t mean it, and I know that he isn’t happy about it either, we both just want to numb our pain.
“Wanna go get high?” I ask. Gerard shakes his head and laughs.
“Sure” I walk away from him and go to the front door. I go inside and look for Chad. He is in bed reading.
“Hey! Beautiful ready for bed? I can’t wait to sleep with my fiancé in my arms” I cringe at the word fiancé . I look at the clock it is 11:00 and I have to be to work at 8:00. I can call off sick. They will be fine.
“Angela stopped by, I am going to go get celebratory drinks with her if that is ok” I tell him. He smiles and nods.
“Of course it is. I have to be to work by 5 AM so be quiet when you get home.” That is when I get the idea.
“I’ll just sleep over at Angela’s then she and I can go to work together tomorrow then” I lie. He smiles and nods. I walk out the door and see Gerard leaning against my car smoking a cigarette.
“Lets go” I say walking toward the park. He keeps pace behind me. I am still buzzed and am tripping. We get to the park and I sit right in the middle of the grass field and cross my legs. Gerard sits next to me with a bottle in his hand and takes out a small pill.
“You know what, never mind I don’t want to get high right now I just want to watch the stars.” I lay on my back and look up at the billions of stars. Gerard lays next to me just inches away. I can feel his body heat. I smile and sigh.
“We finished the music video today, and finished recording our first album” he says.
“Awesome! When does it come out?!” I ask.
I count the months and days in my head.
“So almost 2 months from now”
“Yup” It is quiet for a while. I am enjoying this moment. I look over at him and his eyes are closed. It is now in the moonlight I realize he cut his hair. He looks so handsome. He opens his eyes and looks over at me and smiles. I get the chills and look back up.
“When I was young I use to do this all the time, me and my friends would try and count all the stars” I say.
“How far did you get?” He asks.
“ We got to 300 then fell asleep” I say laughing. He laughs too.
“Did you mean what you said earlier?” He asks. I sigh and close my eyes.
“Then why did you say it?”
“I…..I am just confused” I say. “Why were you with that bleach blonde tramp today?” I ask anger in my voice.
“Why did you say yes?” I sit up and look at him. He sits up too and looks at me. My buzz is going away so I know this isn’t the alcohol that is make me feel this way. My heart hurts my hands are sweaty and my mouth is dry.
“I…I love him” I whisper knowing I don’t meant it. Gerard laughs.
“Bull fucking shit!” He says raising his voice. I get angry.
“How do you know?! I LOVE HIM!” I yell. He rolls his eyes.
“Please! He fucking hits you Johanna!” I gasp in shock. How did he know?! . And as if he can read my mind he says
“You told me when you were drunk the other night, showed me the bruise on your arm and told me about your face, it isn’t the first time either.” I bite my lip and look away from him.
“You didn’t tell me I told you that” I say raising my voice now.
“I wanted SOBER you to tell me” He says getting more angry.
“Well I am sober now! And I am telling you now SOBER that he hit me yeah! But he is getting help! He is getting anger management okay!” I yell.
“Shut the hell up you don’t know anything!”
“I know more than you think!”
“Really?! You don’t know me Gerard! You don’t you’ve known me not even a week!” I feel tears coming. He scoffs “I don’t need a week to know that you deserve better than him, from that first night I saw how miserable you were!”
“You don’t know anything Gerard! NOTHING!” My stomach hurts and I just want to go home. He is silent. It is then I cant take it anymore and I break down and start crying. I wipe my eyes and tell him
“I don’t know what to do okay?! I’ve been with him for 9 years. I don’t know anything else but him! I loved him for so long. He has his me more than 30 times since we have been together I take it because I feel like I deserve it! I do, I do deserve it . He has been the only guy I have EVER been with. Everything was perfect I thought I loved him until you came around! I wish I never went to that fucking bar!” I let the tears flow more and don’t try to stop them.
“ME?! How did I ruin everything?!” He yells.
“ Just forget it” I say calming myself down.
“No tell me” He persist . I look at him and his eyes are pleading. My heart is going faster than a humming birds wings. He made me so mad but now I feel calm at ease like I can be myself. Who am I kidding? Angela was right. Not even a week. I have never felt this way before. Chad can’t make me feel this way.
“Tell me” He says calmer.
“I…The moment you looked at me Gerard my heart sunk, I got sweaty palms, chills everything. I couldn’t stop looking at you. I shook it off thinking that it was nothing. Then I hated you because you still made me feel that way after the concert and after that too. I get nervous when I am around you, feel like I am going to puke and get butterflies when I see you or know I am going to. I feel completely relaxed around you. I get clumsy and feel like throwing up. No one has ever made me feel that way. Not chad. Not anyone. My uncle described to me once how he felt when he saw my aunt, and it is everything I have been experiencing this week. If I had never gone to that bar I would have never met you and I would never feel this way. I’d be planning my wedding now if it wernt for you. “ I say I feel tears coming and I look back over at him. And he looks shocked.
I lay back down and feel the tears come down my face. He lays back down too,
“I felt like that too, I went looking for a cat that night so I could see you again” He says laughing.
I laugh too not knowing why.
“Why did you say yes?” He asks.
“To make you mad, to make me feel like I didn’t want to be with you, that all the feelings were false, but even after I said yes they were still there”
I feel Gerard’s hand on mine and I go numb and get goosebumps.
“I just went numb” I say out loud.
“Me too” he responds.
I slip my fingers between his and get a warm feeling.
“Hand in mine into your icey blues” he sings. I smile and start crying.
“But this I mean it I let you know just how much you mean to me as snow falls on desert sky, until the end of everything”
I sit up still holding his hand he sits up to and grabs my other hand and pulls the ring off my finger . He sets it in the grass in front of us. I look at it. The diamond reflects the light of the moon. I turn back to Gerard he wipes the tears from my eyes and smiles.
“What are we doing?” I ask.
“I don’t know but I do know this is right” He says, and with that he puts his lips on mine.