“Hey babe!” He says coming over and kissing me. “I made us some delicious steaks for the first night of us being engaged!” He says happily.
Man I am such a bitch! I can feel the tears starting to come but I force them back and wobble a bit. He reaches for my hands but then stops.
“Where is the ring?” He says rubbing my finger. I stare down at my hand don’t reply. “Johanna! Where is the fucking ring!” He shouts. I step back from him.
“Chad I can’t do this anymore” I pull the ring from my pocket and set it on the kitchen counter. He looks at the ring and then back at me. “I can’t be with you Chad” I
“Baby! Please! I am getting better you know I am! What is wrong whatever you want I’ll change” He says pleading me. The tears sting even more now, but I cant show weakness.
“Chad! I don’t …I don’t love you the way I thought I did…it isn’t fair to you”
Chad stops and glares at me, his eyes getting red filling with tears.
“There is someone else?!” He asks,
I look down at the tile floor. I don’t have to say anything else. He knows. I hear him sobbing and I look up. He is sitting on the ground crying holding the ring in one hand. I don’t know what I should do. Should I comfort him? Let him stay there? I don’t know.
“I love you Chad, just not like I used to. I’m so sorry” I sit down next to him and rub his back. He continues to sob, and I am doing my best to hold back tears. My head is spinning and I feel like I am going to throw up.
“Johanna please don’t I love you so much” He says between sobs. I still rub his back. I need a drink now this is too hard I just want to forget everything.
“It is for the best Chad, I promise” He lifts his head up, his cheeks red and stained with tear streaks. He sniffles and then nods. He gets up heads for our bedroom and I hear crashing. I stumble in and see he is throwing picture frames and clothes everywhere.
“Chad!” I yell. “Chad stop!” I go over and grab his arm. He turns around and hits me so hard I fall onto the floor. I hold my face and let the tears come. I taste blood in my mouth. I look up through my tears and see him standing over me. He kicks me hard 3 times on my side. I yell out in pain. I hear growling and feel something standing over me. I glance up and see pickles is standing over me bearing his teeth and barking.
Chad slowly backs out of the room.
“You deserve that you dumb bitch!” I hear more footsteps and then the front door slam. I lay there crying for a bit. I feel Pickles licking my arms and legs. It hurts to breath. I get myself up and limp into the bathroom and look in the mirror. My face is swollen and starting to bruise more. I let out a hysterical cry and fall to the floor in front of the toilet. Why did I let this happen?! How could I? I probably deserve it anyway.
I get up and wipe the tears away and take some Tylenol to help with the pain. I limp into the kitchen grab a 12 pack of beer , the phone and head outside on my back porch. I crack open the first beer and call my mom. After 5 rings she finally answers.
“Hey mom its me” I say through sniffles.
“Oh Johanna! I am so glad to hear from you! I’ve missed you so much!” She coos from the other side of the phone. I smile. I miss my mom more than anyone. She has always been there for me and I need her support now more than ever.
“I’ve missed you to mama” I say sniffling some more. She can tell something is wrong.
“What’s wrong baby girl?” I feel comfort in her saying that, and I start crying.
“Jo Jo what is wrong? Calm down tell me what is going on” She soothes. I continue to cry and I tell her everything. From the first time Chad hit me in high school to, to how I met Gerard and how Chad proposed and of course what happened after. She was silent the whole time just letting me vent to her when I am finally done she speaks.
“That bastard! How could he do this to you! NO ONE and I mean NO ONE lays a hand on my daughter!” she says angrily. “I know you are going through a hard time Jo Jo. But I am here, I am not physically there but my arms are hugging you now.” I smile imaging her giving me a hug. I open my 7th beer. I’m feeling a lot better and lighter.
“Thanks *hiccup mom hiccup*” I hear her sigh on the other line.
“Johanna please don’t tell me you are drinking”
“Then I wont *hiccup*” I say taking another drink.
“Johanna you know our family history, didn’t you uncle tell you anything?” she asks. I sigh and rub my head. My uncle was a terrible alcoholic so was my dad when I was little but he sobered up, my uncle on the other hand stayed one until he found out about the cancer, then he quit. He always told me not to turn to it when I was hurting, that I would find more comfort in it then necessary. But I have turned to it and I am not dependent on it.
“Yes mom, he told me *hiccup*” I take another long drink.
“You know what honey, I need to be with you right now. I know you need your mom right now, I have some vacation time coming up, I am going to get online and see if I can find anything for me to fly out tomorrow.” I can hear her standing up and moving around.
“Mom no*hiccup, I am going to be okay really I hiccup* will” I finish the beer and pull out a cigarette.
“By the sounds of it no you will not, I am not going to let you make the same mistakes your father did!” and with that she hangs up. I put the phone down and look at the stars. Everything is spinning. I blow out some smoke and relax. It starts to get cold so I decide to go inside. I wabble my way in and balance myself on the kitchen table. I smile and start laughing, about what? I don’t know. I make it into my bedroom and collapse on the bed.