Not a story, just something I really needed to say.
You would not believe how many times I've tried to write this. But my thoughts always seem so petty and stupid when put into words that I always immediately delete what I write. I guess its because I'm not ready to admit I have some issues going on. But I do, and they're mounting up.
Let's start at the beginning. I've always been a dreamer. I've always wanted to grow up to do great things. I wanted to be a singer, a scientist, an astronaut, president, a best-selling author. I know that I will never be satisfied with a normal life, because if that's what I lead, I'll become forgotten. I can't let that happen. It sounds horrible, but I have to make a difference just so I won't be another grain of sand in this giant world. I need to be SOMEONE. But I never will be.
You see, I know some things about myself. I know that I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm a bitch, I'm selfish, I'm self centered, I'm a shitty excuse for a writer, no one likes me and no one ever will. I've tried to deny those words, but that little voice in my head won't let me forget them. I am nothing more than a waste of space. I know that the world would probably be better off without me, but hey, like I said I'm selfish.
You wanna know the worst part about all of this? I have no excuse to feel this way. I have friends, a roof over my head, a computer, music, food, anything I could possibly need. I mean I'm not rich by any means, and my home isn't the best place to be. My parents are divorced, they still fight all the damn time, but it's no big deal. Really, there's nothing happening to me that could cause me to feel this way, and I always feel so guilty talking to anyone about my depression because I know the reasons are so miniscule I must just be annoying them.
Underneath all of this though, there is one more layer, a layer I mostly ignore. I'm BORED. I'm so damn bored all the time. My life is stuck on repeat, and I'm sick of this song. The same thing happens to me every day, the same faces smile at me, the same emotions come and go until everything is just a dull roar. I can't feel any of it anymore. I keep having to do different and more risky things just to feel alive. That's why I cut. The pain is better than anything you could ever imagine. It feels so damn GOOD. But it's still not enough. I need something more, and I have no idea what that could be.
Now, you're reading this, and I know what you're thinking, I have to be suicidal right? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I want everything to just stop, and no because I have a horrible fear of death. I don't want to know what's on the other side. If it's heaven, great. If it's hell, even better. But if it's nothing, oh my God, that just scares the crap outta me. I'm not gonna take that chance. So don't worry about that.
Again, I'm sorry for posting this and clogging up the stories, but I really needed to get this off my chest. And really, I'm not looking for sympathy or advice. Just straight out venting.