The aftermath of the argument. Please don't hate me...
~Just one last note, the title is from Green Day... Gotta love Green Day :D
Chapter 12- Last Night On Earth
We're all laying down on the floor, heads together, feet fanning outwards. Don't ask why we did this layout, we just wanted to look like a star... It didn't work out, as you can probably guess because a star has five points and there is only four of us. Seeing as we got bored playing video games (like a boss, I might add), we decided we needed a little break, so we ordered pizza a little while ago and we're just waiting on it now. Although today has been fun, I just can't get my argument with Gerard out of my head. The things he said... Am I really the one in the wrong? Is all that I've been doing for him pointless, selfish even? The way he's been acting lately, it's almost as if he blames me for everything. I sit up, startling the three boys around me.
"Hey, guys... Do you ever wonder if someone's problems are caused by you?"
Ray shifts himself up so he's resting on his elbows. The sudden movement causes Bob to stir.
"Ray, what the fuck?! You were my pillow!" Ray just shoves his face away with his hand.
"Shut up, Bob. Mikey, what are you talking about?" Bob has finally come round properly, rubbing his eyes as he sits up to look at me.
"You heard me. Do you? Or just feel like you're adding to their problems?"
Ray just looks confused, shocked at my sudden serious outburst. Frank however, gives me a knowing look.
"Is this about Gerard?" He asks calmly.
"Yeah, but it's just he said something that made me think." I sigh and bend my torso over my crossed legs, letting my head touch the floor (Yes, I'm flexible)
For the first time, Bob says something not completely ridiculous. "Mikey? It's okay, buddy. What did he say?" He shuffles along on his knees until he's by my side and rubs my back. It feels nice to have someone comfort me.
"It probably seems stupid to you guys." I laugh bitterly, pulling my head up again.
"If it's upsetting you this badly, it's not stupid at all. You only tell us if you want to, don't feel pressured." Ray nudges Bob, urging him to move away from me, giving me space.
The three of them are all looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. Bob and Ray sat close together, Ray with his arm around Bob's shoulders and Frank laying on his side, arm resting on his raised knee. I've never really stopped before to appreciate my friends. How they have always been there for me, and how they always will be there for me. They're amazing, every single one of them. I'd trust them with my life, I can tell them something like this.
"Well, we were having a little argument." I look at Frank. "This was after you left on Wednesday." He nods in understanding, but also prompting me to carry on. "I was saying about how him starving himself will never end, he'll never be happy with how he is, etc, etc. When I said that, he told me to stay out of it and that it doesn't concern me. Then he said, and this is what's been bugging me. He said and I quote, 'If anything, you being this way is making things worse.'. Well, it just got me thinking. Is it my fault it's gotten this bad?"
Ray and Bob stare at me open mouthed, while Frank just looks sympathetic. A strong wave of relief washes over me, I've finally got things off my chest. I flop back down on the floor, laying there motionlessly.
"Jesus, Mikes. You never told us this." I lift my head off the floor and look at Bob, his eyes full of pity. Exactly the opposite of what I wanted.
"Guys, no pity or sympathy. I just want an answer, was Gerard right? Am I making things worse?" Frank speaks up.
"Mikey, what you don't understand about people with eating disorders is that they will do anything to deny the truth. It's kind of like a mental disorder, they try and justify what they're doing to their bodies and will blame anyone except themselves to do so. But the main thing to remember is that a person can't cause another person to develop an eating disorder. It's the choice of that person and that person only. So don't ever think that this is your fault." I feel my bottom lip tremble, and I can only imagine that I look like a pouting 5 year old girl.
"Are you sure?" My voice is thick with the tears that have all of a sudden decided to make an appearance.
"Definitely. You are a good person, Mikey Way. Anybody would be lucky to have you as a brother."
"Sometimes I wish you were my brother, you'd be awesome." Ray chips in.
"Me too, it's be awesome annoying you everyday!." Both Frank and Ray shoot Bob a 'what the fuck' look, while I just laugh.
"Thank you guys so much. I love you all, you know that?"
"And I thought I was the gay one!" Frank gives me a cheeky wink.
"Oh, just come here." I laugh pulling them all in for a hug.
The pizza has arrived and we've decided to watch a movie. Ray, Bob and I are all currently arguing over what to watch. Bob wants to watch Iron Man, Ray wants to watch Saw VI and I want to watch Nightmare on Elm Street. The argument starts getting pretty heated, so Frank steps in.
"Does anyone have a hat?" We all stop and look at him as if he's gone crazy.
"What are you talking about?" Bob asks, Ray still in his headlock.
"Well, we could write down the name of each film and I'll pick one out of a hat."
"You know that's not a bad idea." Ray pushes Bob on the floor and walks out of the room, returning seconds later with a baseball hat.
After writing out each film, we put them into the hat and wait for Frank to pick. He pulls out a folded piece of paper.
"The film we're watching is...... " He looks at me. "Lucky you, it's Nightmare On Elm Street."
"YES! In your faces!"
After lots of complaining from Ray and Bob, the film is finally put on and we all sit down in the dark sitting room to watch it. Ray and Bob are sitting on one sofa, quite close together and Ray has his arm around Bob's shoulder yet again. They sure look cosy. I'll ask them what's going on later. Frank is sitting in the small arm chair and I'm sitting by his feet, flicking them occasionally and recieving a slap round the back of my head. Asshole.
We're about halfway through the film when I start to feel uneasy. I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if something is seriously wrong. I shrugged it off at first but it's getting worse and worse. I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong, why I have this feeling. After another ten minutes of me squirming internally, something twigs in my mind.
There's something wrong with Gerard. I stand up and run to turn the lights on. Ray and Bob, who were sitting with their heads on eachothers shoulders, jump apart and stand up. Frank just turns slightly in his chair and stares at me.
"Mikey what's up now?" Bob asks, a little exasperated.
"Aww, is wittle Mikey scared of the movie?" Ray teases with a baby voice, moving forwards to squeeze my cheeks. I ignore both of them.
"Something's wrong. I have to go." And with that, I make a run for the door, leaving my bewildered group of friends behind. I'm halfway up the street before I hear Frank call for me.
"Mikey, wait up!" I look behind me to see the vertically challenged boy running up to me. I just carry on jogging.
"Mikey! What's wrong?!" I'm stopped by Frank pulling on the back of my hoodie.
"It's Gerard. There's something really wrong with him." I turn away from him and try to run off again, only to be held back by Frank.
"How do you know?" He asks, confusion written all over his face.
"I don't know, I just know it's bad. Now, are you coming or not, because I really have to go." He studies my face, and seeing that I'm being serious, he nods and we both start running back to my house.
I bolt through the front door and my mom comes running out of the kitchen, frying pan in hand. "Mikey? You gave me a heart attack, what is the matter with you?"
I ignore her scolding "Mom, where's Gee?"
"He's in his room. Are you speaking to him now?" I run past her and to Gerard's bedroom door.
It doesn't open when I turn the handle, so I start banging on it. "GERARD!!! Gerard, are you okay?" I stop banging for a second and put my ear to the wood. I can't hear anything. Getting worried, I take a few steps back and run into it repeatedly, hitting it with my shoulder. When it finally gives way, I race down the stairs, taking them two at a time. Gerard isn't in there, but I can see a light coming from the bathroom. Oh God.
I take cautious steps over to the bathroom door, not wanting to see what's inside. Frank is now behind me, urging me forward. When I stop moving, he edges past me towards the door. He puts a hand on the door knob, looking to me for approval. When I nod, he turns it and the door opens. I step closer now, pushing the door open fully. Upon seeing what's inside of the bathroom, I fall to my knees with a sob.
I've been in the bathroom for 40 minutes now, contemplating what I'm going to do next. The bath has been run for a while but I've just been staring at it, trying to bring myself to do it. Trying to bring myself to end my sad excuse of a life. After tonight, I'm ready to do it, because I honestly can't bear it any more. I reach up to run a hand through my disheveled, greasy hair, only to feel the pain on my stomach from the recent events in the bathroom. Looking down, I move my hand over the damp patch on my shirt where the blood is. Good thing I put my black shirt back on so the color doesn't show.
I take a deep breath and walk over to the full bathtub. Fully clothed, I climb in and sit in the lukewarm water for a while, preparing myself for what I'm about to do. I lean over to the sink and pick up the letter I wrote to my mom and Mikey, reading over it a few times. There are tear stains from where I was overcome with emotion, but it's still legible. I hate doing this to them, I really do, but I've had enough. I tried to explain everything in the letter, but I can't help but feel that it won't be enough for them.
I reach back over to the sink and pick up some tape, putting it on the note and sticking it on the wall above my head. This is my final goodbye to them. That is, if they even care about me enough to actually read it.. Considering what I've been like lately, I wouldn't be surprised if they just said 'Good Riddance' to me and got on with their lives. I wouldn't blame them if they did.
Just do it already! The voice in my head rears its ugly head one last time. It really isn't the last voice I wanted to hear.
Without a second thought, I put my head under the surface of the water. It takes a while, but eventually I start seeing the black spots I've been waiting for. Not putting up any resistance, I quickly succumb to the darkness.
I'm finally free.
I'M SORRY!!!!! PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!!!! Don't get too upset, because you never know what might happen. But seriously, how was it? Good? Bad? Disastrous? Drop me a review letting me know please, it would make meh so happeh! You will also get a free fabulous killjoy when you review!!!! Comes with raygun and mask :P Much love to all my fellow nutters!