Final chapter! This is the third time I've tried to update! Thankyou for reading and reviewing! Also, the titles from Embraces beautiful song Gravity :) xx
The waves smack against eachother. Shake it off Frank, just push it out. Build a wall around yourself, don't let anything crash through it. No, not everything, let Gerard in. I'm so ashamed of it. I'm still asking him to save me, I didn't and have never saved him. And I'm trying to now, but I fear it may be far too late.
I'm interrupted by the harsh sound of Donna vomiting over the side of the boat. Our New Year holiday. "Hahahahha! Mom you wimp!" Gerard shrieks and giggles crazily, laughing his pretty little head off at his Mom, I block out my thoughts and fake my best smile. For his sake.
We slowly yet shakily exit the boat and I notice again Frankie is clearly overthinking. The worst? The fact he's back to what he used to do. Sucking it all in like a whirlpool until he'll crack and cave.
We all need this time away. I want to change my babys mind. What will happen if I don't? I'll be failing as a mother, but is it best for me to let him go? No, I couldn't do that. I'm his mother and its my job to do what's best for him.... But I'm starting to think even I may not be exactly sure of what that may be.
"Frankie, this is the worst idea in the world!" I'm fuming. Not only did he borrow my sons identity, which technically is fraud. He's arranged him a skydiving session and got the go ahead by pretending to be Gerard and calling our family doctor."Donna I'm going up with him, we'll both be okay. Promise." He tried the puppy eyes and pout I guessed he always won Gee over with but it wasn't suiting with me at all. "No, it's too dangerous." I say sternly. My first time of actual putting my foot down and refusing to compromise. I inwardly applaud myself and feel a sense of pride. "Momma, please. I was really excited and Frankie went to all that trouble just for me." And now he pouted and pulled on the disappointed mom face. My pride was down in shreds at that second. "Oh ok then." I sigh earning a huge kiss and hug from both of them and an uncertain look on parenthood to go with it.
I'm all ready to go. No nerves at all present. I just want to feel free. Free of this prison, this wheelchair. Feel the breeze carry me away like a mother and her new baby at the hospital. Not carried away from the scene of a horrific accident. But there you go, that's me. A trainwreck, a fallen character in a fairytale that wouldn't last. And that's why I know, its better for everyone if I just leave. But I can't go without letting them know how grateful I am, and how much I always have and always will adore them. Frank especially.
He'll need someone to guide him through it all. And this time I'm powerless. So I just have to hope. He has to believe I'm there in spirit, watching over him and smiling as I play back every fractured memory and relive every little scar. Almost feel every single kiss and dream about the night we spent together. Bittersweetness and searing pain, but nothing compared to the fact that I am going. And we'll never know what may have happened if I was strong enough to stay.
"All the way up. There?" I try to mask my horror as I swallow the huge lump that has formed inside my throat. I love rollercoasters and such but this is too much adrenaline for me to handle. It's literally up in the clouds! But I did promise him and I said I'd take care of him. Man, what he does to me. Nobodys ever made me as crazy or sad or angry or happy as he has and that's why I will never let go of him. I'm not letting him die, ever. He's mine, a part of me forever now and when he goes, half of me does too. I just pray he knows that.
"You're looking a little green Frank." Donna says with a smirk,getting her revenge for not consulting her first or even for doing this in the first place. "Don't come up Frank." Gerard says noticing my pale exterior. "No, Gee I'm fine.-"
"No you're not, now stay. You can pretend you're with me." He smiles as the instructors pack him into the minibus, ready to take him on the plane.
"Three, Two, One!" And the floor disappears. I'm falling hard and fast, the way I fell for Frank all those months ago. I'm screaming with delight as we tumble through the white of the clouds and the grey yet somehow still blue sky.my limbs flail as the air smacks me hard around the face and lashes at my neck like a jockey whipping his horse, desparing to win the grand national and make the supporters beam with pride and confidence.
All of a sudden, I'm forced upwards in a jerkey movement and our paracute is up. My instructor cheering just as much as me. I haven't felt this free in months, endless tears and loss of any patience. Today I'm just Gerard Arthur Way again, but I know I'll have to say goodbye to him all over again when we reach the floor, and that is what's killing me inside.
We land softly as Mom jabbers on enthusiastically about how proud she is and how impressively brave I've been. Frank shakes his head in amazement and blows me a kiss. But when the mass begin to unstrap me and place me back in my personal hell, every treasure and exchanged look of positivity fades, for I am just their and my own burden all over again.
I collect up our plates of lasagne and garlic bread and make my way towards the sink. Franks been listening animatedly to Gerards vivid descriptions of how he felt on his adventure from earlier today and I've listened in with a helpless smile painted across my face. They really do belong together. Donald and I are the same, but it's so precious when it's your little baby sharing that with someone so special to them, and even when they invite you along to be a part of it. There's something enchanting and magical. "Mom, Frank?" Gerard asks. This is it. He wants to live on, he's going to say something about the fight he's had and how it's made him stronger.
"Today was the best present ever. I really appreciate all you've done for me these past few months. I know at times I've been real work but both of you have stuck by me."
"Because we adore you, son." I add as he takes a deep breath.
"What do you see when you look at me?" I'm taken by surprise. Gerard knows how much I think of my boys and as for Frank? Well you'd have to be crazy to not see it. Every little touch, the way he's so captivated.
"I see my gorgeous boy." I remind him of his pet name from when he was just a baby.
"I see someone I love. Someone I couldn't live without." Frank adds honestly, shocking both of us, as well as himself. He's watching now, fire in his eyes. "I see this." Gerard says bitterly meaning his chair. "And this, this is me. Today I knew. I'd do that amazing thing and then I'd have to come back to this... This... Evil form nobody asked for. And I know you'd both take me in and wouldn't even care to complain. I want to go, for good." He finishes.
"No." Is franks simple reply, no silence or even the briefest pause. "Frank, its time."
"No it fucking isn't!" And Franks lifted him by his collar, shaking him so violently Gerards heads lolling and his eyes are rolling back. "You want to go huh? Leave me here by myself! Shall I dangle you out of these windows by your ankles? Finish you off yeah?"
"Put him down!" I scream as Frank drops him into his chair and flees faster than lightning, a stifled choked sob escaping as he slams the door shut. And with that bang, it hits me. It's time to say my goodbyes.
I look out on the sea as I suck on my cigarette. I've been sat on the rocks for the past hour thinking over every little mistake and moment we've been blessed with. I even loved our fights, I realise. How can I go without him? Doesn't he see that? We're meant to be forever, endless, but he's leaving, just like I thought he would. Although that never stopped me hoping.
"Frank?" A shaky voice interrupts my thoughts. I whirl around discarding my filter. Donna. She simply smiles at me and takes my hand. "It's time Frank. Time to let go. But he's so beautiful. My boy." She says as we stand hand in hand. "I know. He's my boy too." And the tears I thought I had already cried spring from deep inside my soul again.
ONE WEEK LATER
Today is the day. He wants to go tonight. He told us both this morning. This life is not for him. It shouldve never happened, but it did. And he can't continue living this way, he doesn't even call it living anymore. "I made a tape. You need to show the police if anything happens." He says seriously. I wouldn't care if I died in a jail cell if it meant he'd hang on. I want him to be here until God says otherwise, yet I can't keep him against his will. A mother makes their baby happy. And that's why I'm going to feed him the lethal cocktail. I'll lay him to rest as painlessly as possible. No matter if I continue to cry from now until forever. The tears refuse to stop. And my baby refuses to wait any longer.
Mikey and Donald are gone for the day. They don't even know, but it's for the best. Mikey wouldn't let anything happen, and this is Gee's call. Even though I wish it wasn't. I call Frank again hoping he'll pick up, he has to be here. He wants to be here when its time. And Gerard says his time is now. Five, fifty seven pm.
A rattle of the chain and a slam of the door and there is Frank, tears already pouring and I can see he hasn't slept for days."So this is it then." He says gloomily. I simply nod as Gerard watches his every move. Frank perches next to him on the bed. "Gee, it's not too late to change your mind." He says softly.
"I have to go. Now."
She stirs the grey liquid as though she's making a potion. A potion that could heal anything, no matter how severe. If only it was as simple as that. There was no way around this. I could see she was shaking, I didn't want this. How do you just feed someone a lethal cocktail that will end it all? You don't just do it, you can't. I sit tense and impatient, my hand involuntarily placing itself over his as he waited. No shaking, no regrets, just the need to drink it away. And fall asleep. We couldve got married. "Stop." I hear myself say. "Gerard Way, will you do me the honour of being my husband?" I choke out.
"Its too late to make me stay Frank, I'm sorry." Is his simple yet stuttering answer. This wasn't about making him stay though, I had wanted to do it and I wouldve done even if he was going to keep breathing. "It's time Mom."
She leans towards him clutching the cup like its her lifeline. And she reaches up to his mouth as the tears come again from all three of us. She's almost leading him, he's about to drink. "I can't." She sobs. "I can't." And she screams as I rise to my feet. Looking at his face, he wants this. He really does and I'm nobody to deprive him, even though I want him here for himself and for me. "I'll do it." I announce. And I step forward taking the glass from her as she crumbles and falls to the floor, burying her face in her hands as sobs rack every inch of her body.
Gerards tears are coming hard and fast, but he just nods his head, telling me to hurry this up. "Y-you have changed my life for the good." We kiss softly for one last precious time and as we part he pleads "please don't forget me." As sobs come thick and fast. I shake my head because I'll never forget him. How could I? I slip my fingers through his and he takes the concoction, I cling to him as his eyelids slowly shut, covering the glazed over and sparkling green I had been so infatuated with. We will remain together forever. Donna picks herself up as it falls silent and the first thing I can think to do is run.
It's so cold. Freezing cold. These grey walls dotted with pictures of Gerard and - together. Everyone asks me when I get out, when we'll be together again. I tell them we always are, because its true. That wheelchair was his prison, and this is my own. I finally understand how it was for him. What it felt like, being trapped and treated like a bully. Some kind of invalid. I got a life sentence to spend inside these four walls. But he's here with me, and those nights when I feel someone's watching me, I live for those.