“I know something that Brendon doesn’t want you to know."
Chelsea’s words were imprinted in to my brain, despite my overwhelming desire to keep them out and I wondered if she was being honest. Did Brendon only want sex from me? And if I were to give in, would that be it for us?
I wasn’t naïve enough to completely doubt her because it was a story I’d heard many times. Girl meets boy, boy gets girl in bed, boy leaves, and girl’s heart is broken in to pieces. It was so very cliché and so sickening… but now I could see how easily it could happen.
I tried to fight back the saddening thoughts, focusing on the feel of Brendon’s lips upon every inch of me. It worked long enough to get me under the cold water in the shower, and that was enough to shock me from my bitter thoughts. Why was I so bitter? I was too afraid to even try, doubting things before even letting them happen.
The cold wind bit at my face as I attempted to run a little faster, enjoying the burn my legs took on; and as the burn grew through my entire body and in to my throat I focused on it, loving the freedom attached.
How had I gone so long without jogging? It was the answer to everything. It made me feel so clear-minded. It made me feel good.
Once back inside I went straight for the ice cream, rolling my eyes at my own actions. The cold creamy ice cream was like a cherry on top to my emotions though and as I sat in bed I decided it was time for me to start sorting through my emotions because until I figured them out, I’d just keep feeling out of control and that wasn’t a very good feeling at all.
Spencer was outside my house, as he’d said he would be.
“Morning.” He quietly greeted, before backing out of the drive-way.
“Good morning.” I cheerfully responded.
“That couldn’t be more fake if you tried.” Spencer commented.
“At least I tried sounding cheerful. It’s better than just pouting the rest of my life away.”
“I suppose but you know what’s better than both of those things?”
“Actually being happy.”
Well, no shit.
“You seem… um, are you happy?” Ryan awkwardly asked, slipping in to the seat beside me.
“I think so. I’m not unhappy.” I didn’t need an emotional evaluation from Spencer and Ryan. Honestly, I’d prefer to not get one from either boy. Couldn’t they just completely ignore obvious signs of distress for just one damn day?
“Not unhappy, but not happy?”
“Don’t confuse me. I’m tired.” I really didn’t sleep well the night before.
“Oh Juliet!” Ryan suddenly fell forward, throwing his arms around me. “You’re going through heartbreak aren’t you? The kind that you’re confused about because you were never really dating Brendon but it still counts.”
What the hell? “Um, Ryan… Oh, fuck.” That was it, wasn’t it? I felt like I was losing what I never had. I just got used to the idea of liking Brendon and now I was backing away, out of fear. I was frightened of liking him so I was imagining the worst for us both, before anything really bad at all happened. What the hell was wrong with me? “Can you fix me?” I needed to be fixed. There was something wrong with me. I was an idiot, romantically and in all other ways.
“I can fix you up with someone.” Ryan suggested.
“No.” I lowered my voice, whispering to Ryan. “I do like Brendon… I just don’t know how to.”
“How to like him?”
“Oh.” Ryan sounded just as confused as I felt.
The entire day was uneventful. Spencer stayed close, saying very little. I was actually starting to get used to him just being around. It was even a little comforting. Ryan was acting like I’d lost my mind and Jon sided with him on the subject.
Just because I’d discovered the reason for my personal breakdown didn’t make it any easier to fix. There was little that could be done about fear, other than facing it or running away from it. I couldn’t hide from Brendon forever, but I couldn’t run from him either. He was my sixty two notches of fucked up boy, and he was trying to be good.
I got the impression that we were both equally confused about the entire ‘trying’ thing, but it was a beginning. Most beginnings weren’t smooth.
“I love how they act like suspension is a punishment.” Alex slid in to the chair beside me, where I had once again hoped Ryan would sit. I had come early though, since Spencer and I arrived early together. Alex ended up being early as well, while Ryan and Jon usually ran late.
“It was supposed to be.”
“It was more like a mini-vacation.”
I finally brought my focus to Alex’s face. He had a few scratches, and a bruise lining the side of his face. “Does it hurt?”
“What was the fight about?” Brendon hadn’t really explained…
“You.” Alex was pretty blunt about it.
“What about me?” That was the part I didn’t understand.
“Well…” Alex leaned forward, breathing deeply. He looked to be savoring the moment, and I knew that people were right to some extent. There was something bad about him. I wasn’t sure what, since no one seemed to care to explain things to me. “I know something that Brendon doesn’t want you to know. Maybe you should ask him.”
“Why don’t you just tell me?”
“It’d be better if he told you. I’m sure it won’t be a problem. Just ask him.” Alex now seemed amused.
What was so damn amusing?
“Ask him what exactly?” I wasn’t even sure what information I’d be looking for. What was Brendon keeping from me? How could he even be keeping something from me? It’s not like he could cheat, we weren’t dating. So what was it?
“Ask him what he regrets most, and then tell him that I told you to ask him. He’ll know exactly what I’m talking about and if he doesn’t tell you… Then I will sweetheart.” Alex wore the most disgusting smile I’d ever seen and my heart sank as I nervously pulled out my cell phone, quickly texting Brendon.
-I need to see you tonight, it’s important.-
As his non-girlfriend… I really wanted to know what he was hiding from me, and I wanted to know just how badly it would hurt because Alex’s smile wasn’t friendly.
(It was short and it was definitely a filler. I feel almost terrible posting it! I’ll try to make the next one decently written and have something actually interesting happen. Sorry guys!)