The tile floor under me is cold, and wet I feel around of course feel a toilet. I open my eyes and prop myself up letting my head hang low and my head ache pound in my skull. I let out loud groan, and look at Gerard who is slumped over, leaning against the bathtub. I scoot over to him and push his hair out of his face, he wakes up and looks at me. I give him a kiss on his sweat matted head . He grins and pulls me onto his lap and nuzzles my neck.
“Have fun last night?” He asks. I shrug.
“Don’t remember most of it” I reply pushing my hair behind my ears.
“Me either, I’m just glad I woke up with you here” He kisses me and smiles, I smile too. I love this right now, just he and I sober taking each other in for who we are. I look at him, his eyes are red, make up smeared, hair a mess and I am pretty sure a dead dog smells better than him right now, but he is mine, my Gerard.
“I am sorry I am such a train wreck when I drink….” I apologize. He laughs
“You’re my train wreck and that is all that matters to me” He tightens his grip on my and I giggle.
“I’m going to take a shower” I say standing up. Gerard follows swaying a bit when he gets up. He kisses me one more time before heading for the door. I watch him leave. Damn he is wearing some tight jeans….
“Hey Gee” I shout after him, He peaks his head in.
“I’m kind of in a random mood….” I hint. He smiles and walks up to me and starts kissing me passionately as we make our way into the shower.
We walk down stairs hand in hand. I am smiling the whole time with his hand in mine. Mikey and Frank are leaning against the white van again and Ray is closing up the trailer. They all smile cheesey smiles when they see us.
“Why do you always give us that look when we come down?” Gerard asks.
“Because, you two are just so….happy and it makes us happy” Miley says. I blush.
“Oh shush with the lovey dovey shit, we know you two just had sex its written all over your face” Frank bluntly says. My face gets redder and so does Gerard’s. I put my head down and hop into the van. The guys follow laughing. Ray hops into the front seat to drive.
“So we have an interview tomorrow with MTV at noon, then we have a show, then we have to drive to Washington State, and shit. So Johanna and Gerard you will drive. SO Get fucked up tonight cuz tomorrow you guys have to stay sober.” Ray states. I nod. Will I be able to go that long without drinking? I am craving it right now and it is only 11:00.
We arrive at the next concert hall by 6:30 the concert starts at 8 like always. The dressing room is set up with a long couch, 2 chairs, a giant mirror and a fridge. I go straight for the fridge my body needing alcohol, I grab a beer and chug it letting my body ease up. I sit down on the couch and watch the guys goof around with their guitars and talk about comic books and video games. Gerard is smiling, and laughing and I get butterflies. I love seeing him so happy, so at ease. I don’t know what I would ever do if I saw him in pain. I stand up from the couch and walk over to him and give him a kiss on the cheek. He looks up at me and smiles
“That was random” He says.
“I am in a random mood” I admit. Gerard chokes on the beer he is drinking and looks up at me with wide eyes.
“NO. Not that” I explain. His eyes get sad and he goes back to writing something on his notebook paper. I peek over his shoulder trying to see what he is writing, but he scribbles it out.
“What are you dong?” I ask. He looks back up at me
“Trying to write a song, but I havnt been able to lately. Just have a brain block” He admits.
“Oh, wish I could help you” I say. He stands up from the chair placing his notebook down and turns to me placing both of his hands on my hips.
“There is one way…” he looks me up and down.
“No!” I say pushing him off. He gets sad again and gives me a pouty lip. Oh god he is so cute! I turn my back to him not giving in, but I can see his reflection in the mirror. He starts to kiss my neck. He knows what he is doing. I pull away from him and walk out of the room, thankfully the guys don’t notice because they are all concentrated on their instruments.
I walk out into the hallway of the building and lean against the wall and take a drink of my beer. I just have to get some space away from him or else I am afraid that I’ll just do it with him not caring where or who sees. I take a deep breath calming my hormones down. Gerard walks out of the dressing room and towards me. He pushes his hair out of his eyes and gives me a kiss.
“Whats wrong?” He asks.
“Nothing” I respond. He lifts an eyebrow but doesn’t ask anything else. I take one last drink of my 2nd beer and walk towards the trashcan. Gerard follows. Seriously? Can I get some fricking space? I turn around and see him. He pulls me into a passionate kiss. Okay never mind I don’t want space! I wrap my arms around his neck and continue to kiss him. I can feel him smiling through our kiss making me smile. We finally part.
“I love you” I say. He pushes my hair back.
“I love you too Jo. I really think you’re the one for me. I don’t think that I’ll be able to be without you” Gerard admits. My stomach fills with butterflies and I kiss him again.
“You know, If you marry me there is a good chance one day you’ll have to burry me” I whisper. He frowns. Then his eyes light up.
“You just inspired me!” He picks me up off the ground and spins me. I start to laugh.
“Inspire what exactly?” I ask when he finally puts me down.
“A song!” He says walking back toward the dressing room with my hand in his. We get back into the dressing room and no one has even moved, Gerard sits back down in his chair and starts writing. I shrug and go for another beer.
The show is about to start, I sit at a table off to the side of the stage. After going to 10+ of these concerts I like to move around and enjoy different areas. The table where I am sitting is close to the arena bar area and the stage so it is a win win. By now my head is feeling a little light from all the beer. I finish one and order another. The lights go out and the crowd screams again as the guys comes out. I stand up and start cheering for them. Gerard takes the mike and starts singing Vampires will never hurt you. He looks straight for me and winks. I get butterflies like always.
I sit down halfway through the show. I love watching all of them up there on stage, it is like they are completely different people up on stage. From the corner of my eye I see a tall man sit next to me. I glance over at him. He is older, maybe about 30, with black clothes and painted finger nails. Once the song is over he yells over the screaming crowd.
“Can I buy you a drink?!” I shrug. A free beer is a free beer.
“Sure” I respond he smiles and gets up. A couple minutes later the man comes back drink in hand. I gladly take it and start to drink. I stand up again and the man mimics me standing a little to close to me. Maybe he is trying to get a better view. Gerard looks over at me again and his expression changes while he is singing. He looks a lot more angry? I don’t know, but it is not good. I glance over at the guy who is looking me up and down.
“Um hi, thanks for the drink but you’re kinda in my personal bubble” I yell over the music taking a step away from him. He moves one step closer to me.
“Dude seriously!” I yell again taking another step back.
“I bought you a drink don’t you think you owe me for that?” He wraps his arms around my shoulder pulling me closer to him. He smells of bad body odor and booze.
“I have a boyfriend okay? He is the lead singer. Thanks for the drink, I thought you were just being nice. Now back the fuck off!” I scream. I look back at the stage, and Gerard is not taking his eyes off of us as he sings ‘This is the best day ever’ .
“Oh really? He is looking right at us, I am sure he will love this” the man says and then pulls me into him forcing me to kiss him. He shoves his tongue into my mouth, I shove him off of me and throw my beer into his face and kick him in the nuts.
“YOU ASSHOLE!” I scream. He falls the floor clutching his groin.
I look over at Gerard who isn’t looking at us. Maybe he didn’t see? The music goes silent, then I see him kick over the cooler on stage and it goes flying across the stage almost hitting Frank. Everyone screams thinking it is part of the show but I know it isn’t . I run past the guy on the floor and make my way into the crowd, shoving as hard as I can past everyone. They are of course cussing me out but I don’t care I need to get to him. The mosh pit sways to the music making it harder for me to move and I fall down a couple times scraping my knees, I can feel the blood running down my legs. The music stops again the crowd stills. I take this time to move again, I almost there.
“Gerard!” I yell. But he doesn’t respond.
“GERARD!” I scream again. Still nothing. I move closer, then he speaks.
“This is usually the last song I sing for the night, I always dedicate it to ONE special girl out there, but tonight I am dedicating it to all you single ladies!” He says into the mike. The girls scream. I stay frozen in place. The band members stay still giving him shocked looks. Mikey goes up to him and whispers something into his ear. Gerard shakes his head no and signals for them to play, and they do.
My heart sinks and I feel the tears coming, and I let them. He just doesn’t understand! I let the people swaying to the music control what direction I go. I feel like I am lost in the ocean and I am drifting farther and farther away from land. I close my eyes and make my way out of the crowd again. I get out of the sea of people and head for the front doors. I run outside and down the street, letting my tears run down my face. That is MY song. How could he ever do this to me?! Over a mistake?! I now start to get angry. I keep walking not knowing where I am going. I see a liquor store and go inside and buy myself a bottle of vodka
I lean against the wall out front slamming as much of the clear liquid as I can my vision starts to blur and I know I’ve had enough. I put the cap back on the bottle and make my way back to the concert hall. Fueled with anger and sadness.
I arrive back at the concert hall, and see all the fan girls screaming . I roll my eyes at them, when 2 girls catch my attention. IT is the 2 bimbos from back home. They really did follow him here! I get even more angry. I walk past them hoping not to hear anything but of course I do.
“Hey he finally dumped you!” Girl one says. I turn around and face her
“About time, he is way to hot for your plane ass” Girl 2 chimes in.
“Listen here you two dumb sluts. He will NEVER be in to you. Go it? WE are together, we didn’t break up there has been a HUGE misunderstanding between us. SO BACK THE FUCK OFF!” I scream at them. They look shocked, but I just smile and walk over to Garry, who lets me back stage no questions.
I walk through the building and down the hall to where I know the dressing room is. Not even half way down the hall I can hear screaming, and I know it is Gerards. I can’t quite make out what he is saying but I walk faster towards the door when Ray comes up from behind me and stops me.
“Don’t go in there Jo! He is beyond pissed off, I’ve never seen him this mad. What the fuck happened?!” He shouts. I look him up and down wabbling a bit.
“Some asshole kissed me, forced kissed me I should say. Gerard saw, he doesn’t know the guy shoved me into him and forced his tongue down my throat” I explain. Ray nods.
“Okay, well please don’t go in there let him cool off” He warns. I roll my eyes and walk into the room any way. Mikey is standing in the corner, his eyes wide with fear. Gerard again has his back to me.
“That 2 timing slut! I bet she is out fucking him right now!” He shouts. Mikey looks at me and signals with his eyes for me to leave but I ignore him.
“Really?! A Slut?! That is what you’re gunna call me?! You don’t even know the situation!” I holler back at him. Gerard turns on his heels, his face red with anger. Mikey takes this opportunity to leave. Our eyes lock and there is that passion between us again. Red, hot, angry, happy passionate love. Gerard breaks the silence.
“Where is your lover?” He sarcastically asks.
“He isn’t my lover Gerard will you please listen to me?!” I try to say calmly. But it doesn’t work.
“Listen?! What is there to listen to?! Hmm?! How I saw you cuddling with him up in the bar area? Then how you kissed him?!” He screams. My blood starts to boil.
“I KISSD HIM?! No, the other way around you fucking idiot! He bought me a drink, then expected that I pay him back for it! I said no, then he forced his tongue down my throat!” I yell back.
“Don’t lie I saw everything and you liked it!” He chugs his beer and smashes the can into the wall .
“Really you saw EVERYTHING?! Did you see me throw the beer in his face then kick him in the balls?!” I ask. Gerard is silent. I can’t control what I say next, it is like word vomit.
“How DARE you EVER think I would cheat on you. I love YOU Gerard, and only you! You must be a fucking idiot to not see how much I love you! Why else would I get this tattooed on me?!” I say lifting my shirt up and showing him his name on me. His eyes are wide and he is still silent, I continue on
“You took OUR song and you dedicated it to a bunch of single horny sluts that are all waiting for you outside! I can’t believe you’d break my heart like that! That you’d take something so dear and special to me and give it to someone else! I GAVE you my virginity, because I love you and I wanna be with you forever. Or so I thought. Maybe I should’ve never gotten this stupid tattoo” I walkover to the make up counter where I see a permanent marker. I take the cap off and scribble out his name so it is just a black line. I look in the mirror at it and at me. My face is red, and tears are falling down my face. I wabble again as I put my shirt on and stumble towards the door bottle in my hand.
Gerard follows me I can hear his footsteps behind me.
“Jo! Please! I am sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I should have talked to you first” He yells after me. I ignore him and keep storming out the door.
“Please Johanna I love you! Don’t do this, don’t leave me!” I keep walking the door is in sight. I am not going to give into him, let him think he can get away with treating me like that. I’ve been abused too much! I am not going to let him emotionally abuse me now. We are outside now, he is still walking after me. All the fans scream as they see him. I stop in front of the gate they are behind.
“Here you go! All these girls you dedicated OUR song to!Since this is what you want, this is what you get!” I yell to him. He looks at me shocked. The fans get quiet. I look down at my knees still bleeding, and my shirt soaked in sweat. His shirt, I should say. I rip it off and throw it at him. Sure I may be over reacting a bit, but I need to prove my point.
I turn my back to him and stumble into the dark streets not sure where I am heading.