An ending and a beginning. (spoilers for episode 36)
Ban remembers almost every detail of that night.
The worst part is the blood. There's so much of it, not just on his hands but spilling everywhere, and spreading, spreading in a dark stain on the floor.
It was so easy, too easy, Yamato unresisting as Ban's terrible hand tore through his chest and shattered his ribcage like glass. So easy. He didn't feel the damage to his hand until much later, didn't realize that the blood on his hands was his own and Yamato's mingled. Blood brothers. With the snake coiled in his mind at the moment he struck, he couldn't feel the pain.
Yamato's eyes were open, his expression barely changing as Ban's hand plunged into his chest. He met death standing, and when his legs failed, his weight brought them both tumbling to the floor.
Ban is kneeling in a pool of blood, his pants soaked through. He already knows that the hot, metallic smell of it will cling to him for days; his clothes are ruined. So much blood he could have drowned in it -- he thought about it, then, and has nightmares about it still. Sometimes he swears he could taste it. Blood on his hands, blood on his lips.
He remembers the wild hammering of his own heart, the harsh panting of his own breath, but he cannot remember Yamato's voice.
Yamato begged him. Yamato insisted. Try as hard as he can, though he remembers everything else, this one detail eludes him.
Ginji is serious. Ginji is, Ban has found in the last several days, too serious, but there is joy lurking beneath the surface, easy smiles eager to come out. Ban just might be willing to do anything to see Ginji smiling all the time, and it scares him.
But not like this scares him, leaving him frozen and unable to move.
"I need you to promise. Please. If I lose control again..."
Ginji's gaze is far away as he remembers.
Ban is paralyzed. He can't breathe.
"I need you to kill me before I can hurt anyone else. You're the only person I can trust to be able to do it." Ginji's eyes meet and hold Ban's, and he finds he cannot look away.
Does it show? Can Ginji read what he has done in his eyes, or smell the blood on him still? Maybe Ginji can see it, in that way that he has of looking at someone and understanding.
Ban has been silent for too long, and Ginji's intense gaze turns resigned, his shoulders tense and hunched as if he is about to curl in on himself. "If you don't think you can do it..."
"I'll do it," Ban says, his voice thick. Not leaving this place with Ginji at his side is no longer an option. "It's just that you aren't the first person to ask that of me."
"Ban-san... I'm sorry. I'm asking too much."
He's got to do something about that 'san', but now isn't the time. "No. It's... I understand." With his off hand he reached out for Ginji's shoulder, all but pinning him to the wall. Ginji could have twisted away easily, but he was still as Ban's eyes now held his.
"The last time... the person who was asking me, I couldn't say no to. I gave in. I gave up." He leans in close, so he's almost nose to nose with Ginji, his voice low and urgent.
"Ginji... if the time comes when you ask that of me, or when I know you would ask it if you could... I won't give in. I'll fight it with everything I've got. I'll fight until I can't fight anymore. And if all other possibilities are exhausted, and I know that there's no other way, then I'll do it. But not before. Not one moment before."
He and Ginji are so close that they're sharing the same breath, warm on his lips as Ginji exhales. He's not sure how it happens that suddenly they're kissing, and now he's the one with his back to the wall, fingers tangling in the soft spikes of Ginji's hair.
It's a fierce kiss, a Raitei kind of a kiss, but Ban finds he doesn't mind in the least being pressed back against the hard brick, pinned by Ginji's weight leaning against him. He parts his lips and gives as good as he gets, kissing back hungrily, sucking on Ginji's tongue. His hands drop to Ginji's shoulders, fingers digging in hard enough to bruise.
The thought of sex up against the wall crosses Ban's mind, followed by the thought that he's thinking much too far ahead for having never considered this until it was already happening. But it is unquestionably Ginji who's calling the shots right now, and slowly he gentles the kiss, finally breaking it to map a path of kisses down Ban's neck instead, tasting his skin.
Ban shivers, head arching back. Ginji's teeth scrape at his collarbone and all his breath hisses out in surprise. It's too late to second-guess himself and wonder if this is going to fuck things up, too late to not admit how much Ginji means to him already. It scares him, but it's a good scared, like taking on someone who just might be able to beat him. Only Ginji's already won.
He cups Ginji's jaw with one hand, nudges him to lift his face and meet his gaze.
"Ginji. You understand?" He won't back down, staring into Ginji's eyes until he sees acceptance there.
Ginji's smile is small, but it still makes Ban's heart feel too big for his chest.