As much as I didn’t want to have a baby right now, I am disappointed that we didn’t. Gerard was going to come back home with me and stay there, not just leave again. Now he is going to go on another tour, and I know I won’t be able to take 3 weeks off again to see him. My heart hurts just thinking about it. I want to be able to have kids, get married, settle down but with Gerard I realized today that will never happen. I want a husband that is going to be there when I get home from work. Someone who will be there the days that I am upset and stressed. All he will be is on the phone, piss ass drunk not even remembering what I say. But then again will I be drunk too? NO! No I won’t! I am giving it up as soon as I get home. I let out a sigh of frustration.
“What is up?” Gerard asks taking his eyes off the road for a brief second>
“Just nothing” I reply.
“Yes I am sure alright” I snap. Is eyes get wide and he sighs heavily.
“Please tell me what is wrong, don’t pull that whole ‘I’m fine’ shit when you really aren’t it doesn’t go over well with me. Just be straight up please” He pleads. I roll my eyes and continue to stare out the window.
“Don’t roll your fucking eyes at me either Jo. You know I hate that. Just talk to me please” He pleads again. I sigh. No matter fighting even more with him.
“You’re leaving again. I leave tomorrow morning. We will be apart another month just for you to come back through New Years? Then leave AGAIN all Winter and Spring. I love you so much Gerard you don’t even know.” I express. Gerard stays silent for a bit. His face concentrated on the road in front of him.
“I am leaving yes. It is going to be hard as hell Johanna, but I believe we can do it. I love you more than anything. We will be together. Even if it means me flying out to see you every day I have off of tour, I will. I love you, I really do” That just hurts my heart even more. If he loves me so much why is he leaving me?
“Okay.” I reply.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re my rock babe” The hurt in my heart is back.
“You’re my world” and I mean that. He has become my everything.
I turn my focus back out to the window watching everything pass by. Today was a huge wake up call. I can’t make Gerard give up his dreams, but I can’t give up mine either. I want to be married, I want to have kids and a husband to come home to everyday. With Gerard that just isn’t going to happen. I have a huge decision to make.
Do I give up my dreams and follow him on the road? Get drunk every night not remembering the day before? Living a rock star dream just to be with the man I love more than anything? Or do I leave him, and have a life of my own? I feel a deep stab in my chest thinking about that option. But I know I have too. But that also leaves the challenge of me moving. There is no way I’ll be able to stay in that house with all of our memories. I’m going to have to move. Will I have to leave Jersey? Go back home to Colorado so I can become me again? I think I might. I think I will. Meaning I’ll have to sell my practice. FUCK! I don’t want to do this.
But the more I think about, the more I realize that it is the right thing FOR me. I have to put myself first right now. I let silent tears roll down my face. I can’t keep Gerard from his dream, and he can’t keep my from mine. Tomorrow when I leave it will be the last time I see him, kiss him be with him. More tears fall down my face and I wipe them away.
“Wanna switch?” Gerard asks. I nod not looking at him. A few miles a head he pulls into a gas station. We fill up and go inside to get some coffee. I go to the restroom while Gerard is getting our coffee. I wash my face and stare at myself awhile. Trying to fright this war that is going on inside of me.
“Shut up! This is right Johanna. Make every second of this last day count. It is the last you’ll have with him” I say to myself. I walk out of the restroom and see Gerard filling up the coffee. I go behind him and wrap my arms around his chest/back area. He lets out a laugh, turns around and kisses me softly. I smile at him. His Hazel eyes burning into my pale blue ones. How am I going to do this?
“I love you” I say
“I love you too, I am so sorry about everything that happened” He says. I put my head into his chest taking in his scent.
“Come on lets get back on the road” he says grabbing our coffees and heading to the front of the store. I nod and follow him. We get on the road again, nothing but blackness ahead of us.
We arrive in Seattle around 6:oo the next morning. I am exhausted and so is Gerard. We pull into the hotel parking lot and check in. The guys still groggy from waking up slowly make their way inside with us. Gerard and I go up to our room and collapse on the bed. I curl up next to him and nuzzle my head into his chest.
“I’m going to miss this” I admit.
“Me too” he wraps his arms around me and kisses my head. I smile and let out a laugh. I take my head out of his chest and look at him again. Those eyes get me every time! How am I going to do this?
I press my lips to his pushing myself on top of him. I feel him smile through our kiss. I part out lips and sit up straight. He places his hands on my hips.
“You’re so beautiful” Gerard moves his hands up the back of my shirt and I let him take it off. This is the last time we will make love, sober. I lean down and kiss him again. I am going to make this one count.
After our love making we fall asleep in each other’s arms, not waking up until 6:00 that evening. My eyes open and I feel at peace. I look up at Gerard’s peaceful face. I am going to miss this look of his. I slip my way out of his arms and change into some clothes for the night. I look in the mirror at myself , really look at myself for the first time since the tour has started. I’ve lost a lot of weight since I’ve starting touring. I look like a bag of bones. I weighed about 125 when the tour started and if I had to guess how much I weighed now I’d say 100-102 pounds. I look awful. How did I not see this before? I know, because every time I looked in the mirror I was drunk and though I was hot when I wasn’t. How does Gerard think I am hot? I look at the counter and see his pills. That’s how.
I read the labels and decide to take one of each of his 3 pills just to see how he feels. Within minutes I am feeling it. I feel calm, relaxed. I look in the mirror again and I see myself as being pretty. Am I though? I don’t care.
I float into the next room and plop down next to Gerard. His eyes spring open and he smiles at me. I bend down and sloppily kiss him. He notices and gives me a weird look.
“Are you okay?” He asks. I nod
“I am so fucking happy Gerard!” I cheer. I go to the mini fridge and pull out a couple of mini shots and hand one to him.
“To us! And our fucking dreams and never letting them die!” we clink them together and I down mine. Gerard stares at my curiously then drinks his.
“Calm down babe, the show doesn’t start for another hour or so” He gets off of the bed and looks in his bag, I watch him closely, then just start laughing. He gives me another look as he starts to change into his stage clothes.
“Let me do your make up!” I say grabbing the bag out of his hand. He just laughs.
“What is up with you? And okay if you want to” he sits down on the bed and I bend down in front of him. I grab black eyeliner and put that on him. His eye starts to twitch.
“Stop it!” I command.
“Sorry just weird having someone else do it” He admits. I reach more into his bag and see red eye shadow. I put it all around his eyes. Normally he adds it to his face blood look. I put a little bit more black around his eyes.
“Walah! All done!” I say excitedly. Wow why am I in such a great mood?! Oh right…the drugs. Gerard stands up and looks in the mirror on the wall.
“What the fuck Johanna?!” He exclaims. I flinch.
“You don’t like it?” I question.
“No I don’t like it! I fucking love it! Wow!” He says admiring himself in the mirror. I smile. He comes up to me and picks me up twirling me and kissing me. Sparks are flying and I love it. He sets me down.
“Lets get out of here and to the show” he grabs my hand and we fly out the door.
When we get downstairs the guys are waiting like they usually but this time their reaction is different. Their eyes get wide and they all smile genuine smiles.
“Gerard your makeup looks fucking awesome!” Mikey compliments. A huge boyish smile comes across Gerard’s face.
“Johanna did it, you like?” He asks everyone they all nod.
“I think I might have to put my own twist on that” Franks says taking a sip out of his beer.
“I like red eye shadow on him” I say. Gerard kisses me again giving me chills. I love this man! I am just so happy right now, but I know it isn’t genuine. It is because of the drugs. We all hop into the van going to the last MCR show I’ll ever go to.
The show that night is like any of the others. I am beyond high, and beyond drunk right now. How I remember anything I don’t know. This show I am standing right in the front making eye contact with Gerard the whole time. He doesn’t stop looking at me. Then it comes time for our song and this time he does a different speech than the one last time.
“This song, is about a girl I am absolutely crazy about. I wrote this song before I even met her. This song has and always will be hers. She is leaving me tomorrow to go back home, and I want to let her know how much I fucking love her right here and right now” He puts the mike back in the stand and walks over to me, leans down and kisses me passionately. Everyone in the crowd awes at us. I am just so happy! But then it hits me, this is the last time I’ll hear this song, the last time he’ll dedicate it to me, the last time he will sing it with it going out to me. Tears start running down my face. I love him, I can’t give him up! I won’t! I need him! He pulls away from me and starts singing. I let my tears fall even more. I can’t do this. I can’t leave him, he is my dream, my future, and I honestly don’t know if it is me talking or the drugs but I still want to be with him. I grab a beer out of some random dudes hand and start drinking it wanting to escape this pain. The guy looks at me with a weird look but just shrugs.
“You’re Gerard’s girl so its cool” He yells over the music. And that just makes me cry harder. I won’t be for long, and that is the last thought I have for the night.
Gerard’s arms are around me again. I smile at that. I’m not on a tile floor. He is sleeping soundly letting a few random snores escape. I again get up and walk into the restroom and look at myself. Woa. What the fuck happened to me? There are bags under my eyes and vomit on my shirt and I smell like something died. Is this what I want? To wake up looking like this every day? No, no it isn’t. I don’t want to leave Gerard but I have to. This isn’t my life it is his. I feel the sadness coming back and all I want to do is feel as happy as I did yesterday. I check my watch. 9:30. My plane leaves at 12:00. I have to get the airport. I quickly change my clothes and take a couple of Gerard’s pills for the plane ride home, for when I am feeling depressed.
I walk back into the room and start quietly packing my things. But not quiet enough, Gerard wakes up.
“What are you doing?” He asks sleepily.
“Packing, my flight leaves in almost 2 hours” I say zipping up my bag.
“Shit! You’re leaving today?” He pops out of bed like a jack in a box.
“Yeah, I do fuck! Why did we get so trashed I should’ve made our last day better I should’ve done so much more! “ he says angrily. I walk over to him and give him a kiss.
“It is okay. Why don’t you get yourself all handsomed up and we can get going?” I suggest. He smiles and kisses me back.
We arrive at the airport just in time. Everyone is there to see me off. I give each of them a hug. I am going to miss the hell out of them. I give an extra long hug to Ray. He and I have gotten so close the past 2 ½ weeks. I give him a kiss on the cheek and he blushes.
“Thanks for everything” I tell everyone.
“We’re going to miss you JO, you’re one of us” Frank says. I feel my cheeks getting red.
“Thanks guys. Be safe okay?” The all smile
“When aren’t we safe?” Mikey sasses back. I stick my tongue out at him and he does the same to me. I laugh and so does he. Now it is time for Gerard. Everyone can tell so they walk out of the doors and give us some alone time. My heart is sinking fast. Tears are forming behind my eyes but I hold them back. Our eyes meet and it is just us. No one else. He can tell I am about to lose it and he pulls me into him. I can’t control it anymore. I let the tears flow sobbing into his chest. This is the last time I am going to be this close to him. He pulls my tear streaked face out of his chest and puts my face in his hands and stares at me.
“This is so fucking hard Johanna. So hard! I don’t want to let you go.” I can see his eyes getting teary and that causes me to cry even more. He wipes them away.
“I need you Jo. You have no idea how fucking much I need you. You’re my first real love and my only one you understand me? No one will ever take your place. So don’t you even think anything like that okay?” He expresses. I nod. I feel like such a bitch, but it is the right thing to do.
“I love you. You’ve been my only love Gerard, and I have feeling you always will be, no one will replace you” I say through sobs. He gives me a boyish smile.
“I am so glad to hear that” He kisses me head again. “You better go, they are calling your flight number” I wipe my own tears away this time and nod. We lock eyes again. Our love burning. Gerard crashes his lips into mine. I fully accept them. Kissing him back as passionately as I can. I also hear camera’s going off by I don’t care. This is the last time I’ll kiss him. More tears stream down my face but I feel a few more. I pull away from him and see he is crying too.
“I love you so fucking much. “ He kisses me softly again. This time I wipe his tears away.
“I love you too. Call me after your show tonight, I should be home” I tell him.
I kiss him one last time before heading to my gate. I turn back and look at him one more time knowing that is the last time I’ll ever see him.
Please comment and let me know what you all think! Don't worry there is much much more to come!