“I missed you too!” I tell him patting his head. He wags his tail even harder and kisses me again. I here a soft meowing coming from behind me and I see batman. He crawls into my lap and starts purring. I smile and caress his back.
I look around my living room. Gerard’s art covers the walls. I feel a pain in my chest again. This is going to be harder than I thought. I slowly stand up and walk into the kitchen to grab some beer. I go to open it and right there is a picture of Gerard and I kissing in front of some coffee shop. Mikey took that picture. I take it off and throw it into the trash. I have to do this! I tell myself. I throw open the fridge doors and grab a beer. All I want to do is feel happy. Then I remember Gerard’s pills. I reach into my pocket and grab them, throw them into my mouth and take a big drink of beer and swallow them. I look around my house. Everywhere I look, there is a memory I had with Gerard. I close my eyes and take another drink. My chest hurts so bad. I just want this to go away.
“Okay Johanna, you need to focus. You have one month to pack everything up and leave. It is almost impossible but you CAN do it. You know of a vet who will buy your practice, the housing market is good right now so your house will sell in no time. The hardest step is telling your mom you’re coming home” I say out loud. And when I do I get a deep plunge in my stomach. Shit! I have to tell my mom! I open my eyes again and reach for the phone and dial her number.
“Hello?” He answers cheerfully.
“Hi mama” I respond.
“Oh Johanna! I am so happy to hear from you, I was getting so worried I haven’t heard from you in 3 weeks!” She scolds.
“Sorry about that, I was um busy. But mom I need to tell you something big” I tell her. I hear a sigh from the other end.
“What is it? Did that Gerard guy hurt you?!” She questions raising her voice.
“No mom! I am the one that’s going to hurt him…*sigh* I am coming home” the other end of the line is silent but then she finally speaks.
“But I thought you were so happy out there?” She asks.
“I am. Well was. Things aren’t working with me and Gerard.” I tell her.
“What is wrong? You guys were so in love. I thought you were gunna call me soon telling me you were engaged”
“Mom, he has so many opportunities ahead of him. He wants to tour the country make music. I want to get married and have kids. With him that isn’t going to happen. I just….” I can’t finish because I start crying.
“Shh. Shh. Honey it’s okay tell me” My mom urges. I take a few deep breaths.
“I just don’t want that life style mom. I don’t want to wait around at home alone while he is traveling the world, getting drunk. I want a life” I express to her. My crying gets stronger. This just hurts so much! Why aren’t these pills working?!
“Oh honey. I understand. When are you coming home?”
“I am going to be there in a month” I hear her gasp on the other end.
“Can you move that quickly?! Plus sell your practice?!”
“Yes, mom I can and I will”
“Okay, just let us know if you need anything. Keep in touch okay? I look forward to having you home”
“I will love you mom”
“Love you too sweetie” and with that she hangs up. I put the phone back on the counter and take a deep breath wiping away my tears when I hear barking. Pickles is standing next to me with an upset look on his face. He knows.
“Yes we have to move Pickles, you me and…” shit! Batman. Can I take him? Should I? Of course I should! Gerard would never be around to take care of him any way! I look back at Pickles who still looks upset.
“I know, You don’t want to. But we have to okay? You’ll love Colorado. There are mountains, fresh air, not so crowded. No Gerard” Now I feel happy. The pills are working! Pickles starts to wag his tail as if he understands. I pat him on his head and give him a kiss. The phone starts ringing. I pick it up and answer it.
“Hello?” I ask cheerfully.
“Hey baby” Gerard says drunkly on the other end. Shit! I forgot about him calling me. I have to think of something.
“Hey babe, listen I am super bushed. Can I talk to you tomorrow?” I ask.
“Yeah sure you sleep well I love you” My heart starts to hurt.
“I love you too” and with that I hang up. How am I going to avoid his calls for a month? Just make them short and sweet. I head to my bedroom and flop on the bed. I better get to sleep I have a very busy day and month ahead of me.
It has been a month to the day since I have decided my fate with Gerard. My house sold very quick, same with my practice and car. I am leaving New Jersey with almost 1.5 Million in my pocket. More than enough to start my new life in Colorado. I stand in my empty house with Pickles and Batman. After some long convincing of the airlines, Pickles and Batman can be safely flown out to Colorado with me.
I have kept things short and sweet with Gerard as I said I would. He doesn’t seem to notice, just thinks I am busy with work. Every night I get so drunk that I’ve been waking up in random places in my house, from the bathroom to backyard in the grass. I just want to numb the pain, but once I get back to Colorado I am getting help. I know I have a problem, and I don’t want it anymore.
Gerard flies in tonight. He kept telling me how excited he was . Making me feel even more like shit. I cant believe I am doing this. But it has to happen. I can’t live this life anymore. I take out a pencil and a piece of paper from my purse and write what is most likely going to be the hardest thing I’ll ever write.
I love you. I love you so much you can’t even fathom how much I do and that is why I am doing this. I have left New Jersey. I sold my practice and our home. I did this because I couldn’t take away your dream. I don’t want what you want. I want to get married and have kids one day and with you I know it won’t happen any time soon and I don’t want to make you settle down and give up this dream. I can’t keep getting drunk every night, waking up with no memory of the night before. I need to go back home and get my life back in order. I will never love anyone or anything as much as I love you. I know you will get famous and make a difference in other people’s lives. You’ve already made such a difference in mine. In just one week you made me fall head over hills in love with you, you changed my life forever. You showed me what real love was, and if it weren’t for you, I’d be marrying some abusive asshole thinking everything was okay and I can’t thank you enough for that. I hope you understand. I’ve moved all of your stuff to Greg’s Storage. Your locker number is 337. I am taking Batman with me, as a little part of you still in my life. I love you Gerard and always will. You will be OKAY I promise.
Love always and forever
I grab a piece of tape and walk to the front door and tape it on there. I feel the tears coming down my face. This is the hardest thing I have had to do. But I can’t regret this, I need to move on. I put the leash on Pickles and put Batman in a small portable crate. We walk out the door and I lock it for the last time. I put the boys in my car and stare at my house one last time and I fall to the ground crying. Will I ever be strong enough to get over this? Over him? I calm myself down and get into my car. Driving away and never looking back.
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