He had wanted to go after her, wanted to tell her that he was sorry for putting up walls that were almost impossible to tear down. He wanted to admit that he hadn’t been fair, that he hadn’t opened up to her the way she had to him. So why hadn’t he? Why hadn’t he done what he had wanted? What his heart was practically screaming at him to do?
He sat on his couch, resting his head back with a long breath. He brushed his hand through his hair and tried not to let his emotions get the better of him. He sat there for the longest time. The day slowly descended into night and still he sat there almost too numbly. He couldn’t feel without her around, couldn’t even breathe. It was like with her gone he had lost a small part of himself that was meant to be there. The part that made him feel, the part that made him somewhat whole.
Finally after a long while he rose from where he sat and dragged himself to the bathroom. He looked at his reflection, his blue eyes staring deeply into his own gaze. He couldn’t bear seeing himself anymore, couldn’t bear living with himself. He tore his gaze away and peeled off his clothes. Running the hot water he got into the shower and let the heavy pressure tried to calm him. The soap stung his eyes but he didn’t care. The hot water burned his skin. He stayed underneath the water for a long time before he turned off the water and stepped out. He toweled himself off and dressed. A black sweatshirt and pants before going into his room. He set his acoustic on his lap and tried his best to keep his mind on the strumming he was doing but he couldn’t manage to. He laid back on the bed, pulled his blanket up over his head and just hoped that the world would disappear around him….
She had stopped at a small cafe, getting herself a coffee and sat alone on a street bench. She watched the world pass her by. She wondered if any of them were suffering the way she was, wondering what was on their mind, what pain they had gone through. She wondered which of them held in their heart the kind of desperate love that she felt for Jared.
Tears rose to her eyes and her hands began to tremble as they held her cup. She rose it to her lips, the steam caressed over her face and she took a sip. She didn’t know how long she sat there but the night began to glisten beautifully in the sky and the city lights came alive. She finished her coffee, threw it in the bin and began to walk back to her apartment.
Going back there felt like a punishment after being so much in Jared’s presence. He had offered her a security that was permanent and a love that felt never changing and unending. Her tears fell then, staining her skin. She hated that she cried so much, hated that her weakness always came down on her so harshly. She had the thought that she could go back, tell him that it no longer mattered. She could deal with his closing her off couldn’t she? But that wasn’t true. She no longer could bear feeling so apart from what he was feeling. Being unable to read which emotion rose in his glistening eyes. She wanted that part of him, she needed it. What was she going to do though if he never gave it? Would she stay away forever? Could she do that if he never could open up the way she wanted him to? The thought was more than painful, she couldn’t bear it.
She made her way up the stairs to her apartment and locked herself inside. She threw her coat on the couch and changed her clothes into something more comfortable, tying her hair back into a messy ponytail. She tried to ignore the cuts on her arms, the small amount of blood that marked her bandages. She closed her eyes, the tears trying to fight against her again. She needed the pain so badly, needed something to distract her but she reminded herself of her promise that she had given to him. She couldn’t bring herself to break something so binding.
A knock came to the door and all her breath left her. Her heart began to race and a smile broke forth onto her face. She tried not to think too much, tried not to expect too much of who was on the other side of the door. She knew though that it was Jared, every part of her hope told her that it was. Who else could it be? Who else knew that she lived here? Who knew her at all?
She made her way to the door, patted at her hair and opened the door. her breath catching in her chest and her heart stopping all at once. But once she saw who it was everything inside fell apart and her mind went to pieces. Her fear came back from earlier and her hope became nothing but a distant memory.
“Rowan?” Her dad said her name almost carefully like he was afraid that if he said it loud enough she would erupt into a fit.
She didn’t wan to answer, wanted to shut the door and hide away but she knew that he wouldn’t go away. She tightened her sweater around herself and felt everything she was retreat inside again.
“How did you find me?” She asked without looking into his eyes.
“I followed you after you left…who was that guy you were with?” It was like he was angry with her suddenly. He had never allowed her to do anything and seeing her out here after so long on her own was bringing it all back.
“What are you doing here?” She questioned, she could feel his anger rising and her fear took over. She couldn’t bear his blows anymore, this was why she had left in the first place, to get away.
“You just left…why did you just leave before?” He demanded.
“I told you why and I told my sister. After mom died I had to get away, I had to live on my own the way she wanted me to.”
He shook his head. “You didn’t care about any of us, Rowan. You and your mom never did.” He forced his way inside and closed the door harshly behind him…
“You sure you want to do this Jared?” Shannon asked from where he sat on a stool in the studio.
Jared nodded, answering his brother and the question that had also risen in his mind.
“You’ve gone this route before and you know how that turned out.”
Jared slid his eyes shut at the mention of it before turning around to look into his brothers dark eyes. “It won’t be that way again…I’m sure of that.”
Shannon held his eyes for a moment, his worry ever present in his gaze before he nodded. “Alright…well good luck.”
Jared smiled and let his eyes follow him out of the room before he turned back to the table he sat at. He told himself this was the time, the perfect time. He knew that this was what he wanted, that he needed this more than anything. He could only hope that it was also what she wanted and that it wasn’t too soon.
“I’m sure.” He whispered to himself as his finger brushed lightly over the diamond resting in its case.
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