(No trolls this time, you were just arguing)Did you know that it's very easy to become an internet troll? - A new installment to my "How To" guides!
Yes! A new How To for you all! I promised you How To Review (definitely in the works, don’t worry!) and Questions and Answers on How To Write A Story, which you can read here: http://ficwad.com/story/199623.
Unlike my How To Write A Story and How To Review, this is going to be short and split into two parts; one for the trolls and one for the newbies, because I personally think of them as very similar characters. The reason? They only have one or two posts where the rest of FicWad will judge them, be it harshly or not. This doesn’t mean I think newbies are people destined to cause fights and arguments, and divide a community with just a few ill-spoken words, but trolls are usually newbies – they create an account that grants them unlimited access to the site and start posting in the hope that they get noticed.
Some of them do it really badly though, so I thought I would teach you all to do this properly.
Disclaimer: I only teach, I don’t condone it. Please don’t go out and destroy somebody else’s site then say “It was all Rose’s idea!” I learnt all about World War 2 and Medicine Through Time a few years ago, but I don’t now yearn for an Aryan race or amputate legs with nothing more than a rusty saw.
How To Be An (Internet) Troll
Before I educate you in the fine art of “trolling”, we must first understand the subject.
An “internet troll” is a person who posts provocative or inflammatory comments in a social online community, such as: Twitter, Facebook, FicWad, 4chan, DamnLOL!.
As a few of you might have noticed, FicWad has become subject to a few of these trolls, the most well-known being Ti--anyR--e, D--DatDat and now, J--ge (I removed a few letters as this is not a personal attack). They are analogous to slimy creatures lurking behind their dust-ridden keyboards waiting for a single response to their post so that they may spring to life and proclaim their superiority and their desire to become the Number 1 on their chosen site.
I can help you to become that slimy creature, should you follow this How To carefully.
The first thing you need to know is that a troll uses improper grammar and spelling. If you are one of those people who uses the correct terms, then you can stop reading right now because this is not a lifestyle you want to get into. A full education is detrimental to a Master Troll job title. You do not type like this:
Good afternoon, persons of the world. My name is Rose Francesqa Walker, and I hope we can become friends as well as fellow authors on this site.
No. That’s not right at all, you want to say something like this:
YO bitchezzz wasup!? u fink u can match me, fink agen bruv cos im betta than a lame ass writer lyk u!
Can you see the improvement? The greater the lack of skill displayed in your posts, the more advanced and superior you will appear. If you can get this part right then you are well on your way to becoming a seasoned troll. Should you find yourself struggling with such a strenuous task then why not practice typing on a child’s Facebook wall, I’m sure they shall appreciate the sentiment and will be more than willing to accept your reign.
Another key feature of trolling is to intimidate your captive audience. By referring to them all generally as “faggots” or “bitches”, you are proving your strengths to them and they shall begin to bend to your will. Should you enter one-on-one verbal combat with a lone fighter (god forbid!), then repeatedly throwing Yo Mamma jokes at them will make them back down quicker than any other tactic. Although, in case your creativity is running low that day and you struggle to think of generic Yo Mamma attacks, here are a few more tactics to attempt:
• insult them directly, regardless of whether you know what they look like. Try using phrases such as “you’re ugly”, “you don’t know anything” or combine the two to create my personal favourite, “your face is so ugly you wouldn’t understand me”. It doesn’t need to make sense; they will more than likely cry in a corner!
• tell them to kill themselves. Of course they will do it, because a happy person will agree that you are right and that they should go do. The conversation will probably go like this: “You’re stupid, go die.” “Of course, why didn’t i think of that before? I’ll stop listening to this good music, turn off this funny TV show and go hang myself because you’ve told me to. You completely perfect stranger, you.”
• insult their favourite bands. People get protective of these bands so go ahead and call the band members “faggots” or say that “their music is gay”.
• tell them you’re bored. You can be the bigger man and walk away from all of this, if only to retain an ounce of sanity.
Don’t forget, these people who argue with you are the pathetic ones, they don’t understand your full potential! Now you have these peoples attention, it’s time to start the real trolling.
There are a few sure fire ways to provoke your audience. I’m going to introduce you to a few of the most effective.
The Sarcastic Approach: This involves creating a faux piece of text. All you need is a topic, such as My Chemical Romance Fan-fiction, and a computer. Read through other people’s work before attempting your own and pick out a few similar aspects, e.g. Frerard, falling in love on tour, bunk-sex, one-shot, short. There you have it. You are now going to create a short piece of text about Frank and Gerard falling in love on tour and having bunk!sex. Keeping in mind all of the aforementioned features of your writing, you should end up with something like this:
”we are mcr and we were on tour in england
hey gerard, i said
wot frankie, he said
i love you, it was 2 hard too say but i said it any way
omg, i love you too, lets have secks.
so we kissed and he put his willy in me and we both cum togever it was beautiful”
Notice the lack of punctuation, paragraphs and any other feature of good writing. All of those things are for losers, you don’t need them! If you have something like that, then congratulations, you have completed the first step to being a true troll! Now write a short note at the end that reads along the same lines as ”See, I can write better than all of you. Why do you think you can write, you’re all so stupid!” People will be in such awe of your work that they will leave loads of positive comments and reviews for you to print out, turn into confetti and roll around in!
The Direct Approach: This is very simple, you tell everyone what you think. Be sure to refer to their blatant homosexuality for those who are still sexually confused, and how ugly must run in every family except your own, otherwise they might think you’re some sort of joke and not take you seriously. You then proceed to list your own rules for your chosen site (because everybody should be following your ideals and not those of the site owners/government), or possibly a list of authors you don’t like (so that people will stray away from these awful people). Finish it off with a threatening or intimidating sentence and thank all of your followers. It should read something like this:
”you gay people think your prettier than me?! no one will ever be pretty than me cos your all ugly blame your parents. my parents are like models.
i wanted to write some rules for this place because i think that people should start being sent away from here
people who are ugly shouldn’t be allowed on
people who write bad shouldn’t be allowed on
people who don’t agree with murdering other people shouldn’t be allowed on
in fact we should kill them all and then cook them and eat them because it’s the right thing to do
bye gayboys don’t even write anything bad or ill call the police an report you for cyber bullying me xx kiss kiss to ImAnIdiot and TwatFace for supporting me we’re so cool”
Remember to call everyone “gay” because that’s just the most satisfactory insult nowadays.
The Call-Out Approach: Do you know these people personally? Have you been stalking their profiles to dig up dirt on them? Just wait until they start leaving negative comments on your posts, then you can write a special post just for them! Did Johnny’s Dad die last year, don’t forget to tell him that it was his ugly face that caused the heart-attack (even though his Dad was shot whilst serving his duty to his country), being offensive and disrespectful is the best way forwards! Feel free to mention that night of sloppy sex that Susie gave Bobby behind the bowling alley, because she wants everybody to know what sort of cheap slut she is when she’s date-raped.
But do you know my favourite thing in the whole world? Trolling a troll, and the best way to do that is to write a sarcastic post detailing how to troll.
Now just cross your fingers, count to ten and wait for the first person to take this seriously.
NOTE: 7th September 2012 is the day that someone took it seriously. It has been rated down.