“Johanna?” Arianna’s voice says. I stay quiet still not breathing.
“Jo-Johanna?” Gerard’s voice stutters. I let out a deep breath. It is him. I haven’t heard him say my name is so long. I still keep my eyes shut and I am taking deep breaths now. I hear some shuffling around and then someone is sitting next to me. I smell a sweet perfume, and now it is Arianna. She loops her arm through mine.
“Jo, It’s okay look at me” She says soothingly. I still get the feeling Gerard is in front of me. I can’t look at him, I just can’t. So I turn my head in her direction and look at her. Her eyes look worried she looks from me to Gerard and then back to me.
“Jo, it is okay, You have to face this.” She whispers in my ear. I shake my head no.
“Yes, you have to come on, he looks really hot today too” she whispers in my ear again. And in that instant I feel a ping of hatred towards her. How dare she say that he is hot! He is the enemy here! I scowl at her and she shrugs and points in his direction I still don’t look. I know the moment my eyes meet his, it is game over. No mas! I’ll be a big pile of jelly again and it will all start over. I lean into her and whisper in her ear.
“Get rid of him now” I demand. She pulls back and looks at me again with a confused face and nods.
“You need to leave” She says looking at Gerard.
“No” He says plainly. Fuck. I forgot how stubborn he was.
“Please” She says again.
“No, why can’t you look at me? Too ashamed of what you did to me? What you did to us?!” He says raising his voice, the tears that once stung behind my eyes are gone. All I feel is anger building up, and Arianna can tell.
“Just leave Gerard please, you don’t want to get her over to top mad please” She begs.
“I’ve gotten her that mad before, and dodged a vase to the head, if it is what gets her to talk to me and look at me then I’ll do it” He says again. I refuse to look at him.
“You threw a vase at his head?!” She asks looking at me with a shocked look, I scowl at her. She knows I am getting mad.
“Just go or I’ll call security” She threatens.
“Go for it. I’ll sign a few autographs for their daughters and it will be fine” he says in a snarky tone. Damn him! Arianna drops mouth.
“Now I can see why she left you, you’re just a mean insensitive jerk!” She yells at him. He laughs.
“Oh please! I am not! She left me because SHE was selfish, She didn’t want to give up her ‘dream’ of living at home, having the white picket fence with a husband and 3 kids running around.” That is not why I left him! My blood boils and I put my hand into a fist.
“How dare you!” Arianna says. “She left because she wanted you to live your dream so she wouldn’t hold you back! She’s moved on so get out of here!” Arianna yells. Gerard is silent for a while.
“Moved on? So she is fucking other guys now too? Guess what we did together wasn’t special at all, pfft for all I know I was just another knotch in her bed post, and the whole virgin thing was a lie! Maybe that’s why your hair is blonde now, to fit in with the other whores around here.” The rest of what happens next is a blur. I look at Arianna, who looks back at me. She knows how much my virginity meant to me. I turn around and with out even making eye contact with him slap him hard across the face.
He falls to the ground holding his cheek. I crawl out of the closet not looking at him and storm out of the room and towards the exit. I hear foot steps behind me but I just keep walking trying not to let the tears run down my face. I push the door open and slam it closed behind me and head straight for my car.
How could he say that?! He knew how much that meant to me! How dare he even say anything remotely bad about it! I storm up to the car and put the key in the door unlocking it and slamming the door. I am seeing nothing but red right now. I squeeze the steering wheel until my knuckles are white. I just have to calm down a little before I start driving. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. When I open my eyes again I see a mountain of red hair running towards my car. I lock the doors and still look straight ahead. There is a knock on the window but I still keep looking straight.
“Johanna what…what happened?!” Ray asks through the glass. I stay silent still looking ahead.
“Please, I don’t know what happened but Gerard is really fucking pissed did you guys talk?!” He asks again. Maybe talking to Ray will calm me down, he does have that effect on me. I roll down the window and look at him.
“No he talked to me and said some pretty fucked up shit, I didn’t even look at his sorry ass” I hiss. Ray takes a step back and rubs his neck.
“He…he and that Arianna chick just came out of the room yelling at each other he was holding his face…what happened?!” he demands.
“I slapped him”
“What?! Why?!” he asks shocked.
“Because Ray, he…he said some things about something I held very dear to me. Okay? He shouldn’t have said them. I don’t want him in my life, all he is doing is bringing back unnecessary pain, I don’t want it! Do you understand?! I DON’T WANT IT!” I yell letting tears stream down my face. Ray steps closer to the car and leans in the window.
“Don’t cry. I..I understand. I should’ve never found you, I should’ve never done anything I am so sorry Jo” He says sincerely. I look at him through blurry eyes and wipe my tears away.
“No…I am glad you did, it gave me reassurance that he is better off without me, that I did the right thing” Ray stick his head back out the window and shakes his head and laughs.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You think that? Did you not see how FUCKED up he was?! How drunk and high he was?! HE TRIED TO FUCKING KILL HIMSELF JOHANNA! “ –Ray
“He sobered up” –me
“Yeah he did! Why can’t you see that?! Why can’t you give him another shot?”-Ray
“It is just too much pain okay? We want different life styles, I don’t want to be left at home all the time.”-Me
“ Seriously?! You would let go of what you guys had? Because you’re scared?! You don’t want to be left at home? Gerard would seriously quit the band today and give up everything if it meant getting you back” –Ray
“He would not”-Me
“Yes he would! You haven’t seen him, or been around him. Seen how much pain he was in when you left him. How much pain we were all in. You were part of the group Jo! You don’t know how determined he has been to see you. To get his answers. Don’t you owe him that?! You just left him with a note, that he still keeps by the way, to keep him motivated, to get him angry. But that is not the point, the point is a love like you had just doesn’t die, doesn’t stop it is still there”-Ray
“What do I have to do! To prove to you that I don’t want to be with him anymore Ray?! I don’t love him anymore, what we had is done. I just want to be left alone” I say angrily. Ray sighs then shakes his head. He then gets a smile on his face.
“Come to our show tonight, if you can honestly say that after watching it, and SEEING him that you don’t have any feelings left, I’ll leave you alone and I will personally make sure that Gerard stays away from you” He bargains. This is a set up, I know it is, but if it is the only way to get him to leave me alone then fine.
“Fine I’ll go” I agree. Ray looks shocked.
“Wow, I was expecting a little bit more of a fight. Well then, here are my demands-“ But I cut him off.
“Demands?” I ask
“Yes now let me finish. You must be in the front row, and don’t pull the whole what if I cant thing, I’ve seen you maneuver a crowd. So I expect you to be there by the time we come on. If I don’t see you it doesn’t count, and the deal if off, agreed?” He ask stick out his hand. I try to think of a protest but there isn’t any I can think of.
“Deal” I say shaking his hand.
“Good, go to the ticket booth tell them I said you had tickets, there will be 2 there. The show starts at 7:00” He taps the hood of my car and walks off. What have I gotten myself in to? I can do it. I can. I know I can.
I feel a vibrating in my pocket and pull out my phone and look at the caller I.D. I see that it is Ken. Crap! I forgot we had plans tonight! I sigh and answer.
“Hello?” I say as happily as I can.
“Hey! We still have plans tonight are you doing better?” His deep voice asks. I nod my head and answer.
“Yeah, I am thanks for asking” I say shyly.
“Great! You wanna go see a movie tonight? I’ll let you pick just nothing to girly eh?” he asks. I giggle.
“Actually I just got concert tickets for at 7. Wanna go?” I ask.
“A concert? Who is playing?” I struggle to let the worlds leave my mouth
“My Chemical Romance” I spurt out.
“Never heard of em” he says plainly. Thank god he hasn’t!
“Well do you wanna go or what? Please?” I ask sweetly. I have to win this. Plus if Gerard sees me with another man, very handsome man, maybe he will get it, maybe he’ll get I moved on. I hear Ken let out a sigh.
“Well I can’t say no to you. Plus I haven’t been to a concert since I was in college might be fun” he says happily. I sigh in relief. “I’ll pick you up at 6 ish. Looking forward to seeing you”
“looking forward to see you too” and with that I hang up the phone.
I like Ken, I really really do. I just can’t let this whole Gerard thing mess it up. I need him to leave me alone and be out of my life. And if this is the only way to do it. Then by god I am going to do it!