PHAN. Dan needs Phil. Phil needs Dan.
Eight. Eight burning suns surrounded by a million dying stars. Only the suns are fresh cuts and the stars are fading scars, all parading along the delicate skin of his left forearm like crackles of ruby lightning. I’ve always hated lightning.
Now is no different.
“Dan?” He flinches away as I walk towards him; head flopped down in a vain attempt to hide his putrid tears as they crawl down his face. “Daniel, speak to me. Just. Please.”
My voice is scratchy with emotion, the sight of my seventeen-year-old boyfriend stood shaking in my living room all but obliterating my heart into an uncountable number of fractured shards. My old Doctor Who DVD is still playing in the background; discarded popcorn littering the floor like a bomb’s just gone off. And it has; a ticking time bomb that I should have diffused a long, long time ago. We’d been fighting for the last Malteser and I was using the tickle-tactic when his sleeves rode up, showing me the storm of self-hatred raging over his tanned skin, spelling an end to our relaxed evening of endless episodes of old TV shows that we’re both too old to still be watching.
Spelling an end to everything I thought we had together because now it’s clear that he doesn’t trust me, never has, and I’m nowhere near close enough to what he needs to actually be any good for him. And that hurts more than words can say.
I take another step forward, hands out in front of me like I’m approaching some kind of vicious wild animal instead of my own damn boyfriend. He backs up but is buffered by the back of the sofa; trapped. Good.
“Dan? Sweetheart?” I don’t often use pet-names like that, but right now it seems like the only suitable thing to do; the only thing that I can do to make me feel at least a little bit like the boyfriend that Daniel Howell deserves. “Let me see, okay? I need to know if I should take you to the hospital.”
A tiny, miserable squeak of a sound runs out of his mouth, head shooting up to reveal red-rimmed eyes that should only ever be lined with happiness; not tears, not complete unbridled despair. God, he looks broken. Like a plaything that’s been thrown out of the pram twenty times too many with no caring mother there to sew him back together. He has me though.
Yeah. And look how well that’s done him.
But I know now. And I can fix this. For him. I know I can; I’d do anything for my Danosaur.
Taking advantage of his trapped state and silently hating myself for it, I stride straight over to him without even giving warning that I’m on the approach. Not that I should need to; he ought to know by now that I’d never hurt him, that I love him far too much to even think about causing him any conceivable form of harm.
I take his hands in my own, squeezing tightly as he blinks up at me with fretful yet exhausted eyes. Poor thing looks dead on his feet, like he wants to die. And for that I really do despise myself for not noticing sooner.
“Oh, Danosaur.” I sigh, feeling my own tears starting to well up at the pitiful sight of my boyfriend practically quaking in fear. “C’mon, c’mere.”
That’s all it takes for him to tumble into me, for him to lock his arms around my waist like a platinum clamp and for his face to burrow into my chest like a tortoise into it’s shell. I wrap my arms around his back, clinging to him like a magnet, and press sweet kisses into his hair; he likes it when I do that, says it makes him feel all special inside. I think he needs to feel special, to feel loved, right now.
I know I do.
“Phil?” I just nod; words too hard for me to form at his weak little mewl of desperation. “It’s not that bad. I just, they’re literally just scratches. That’s all. I’ve done worse. I don’t need the hospital. Honest, I don’t.”
‘I’ve done worse.’
“Dan! You’ve been hurting yourself; I think you do need to go see a doctor. For your freaking head!”
I’m stunned. Not only by the unnecessary cruelty to my sharp words but also by the sudden lack of warmth in my chest; he’s pushed me away. The push wasn’t strong, but it had so much hurt in it that it was more than powerful enough to send me back a fair few paces.
He sinks to the ground, sobbing like he’ll never be happy again, and I’m hopeless to do anything. It’s no wonder he never told me of his own accord. I mean, look at how I’m reacting; shouting and freaking out and doing nothing whatsoever to help him when I should have been helping from day one. Only, I don’t even know when day one actually was. Not that I care; all that I care about right now is the fact that there was a day one and all I’ve done so far is make the situation worse for my poor little Danosaur.
“I… I’m sorry. I, uh, I really shouldn’t have said that.” I exhale heavily, taking a small step towards him and smiling sheepishly when he doesn’t react negatively to the threat of contact. “And I didn’t mean it. Not one little bit. I-“
“But it’s true though, isn’t it? I should be locked up like a fucking lunatic!”
There’s nothing I can do to stop myself from sliding to the floor next to him, pulling his head into my lap as cries his heart out; feeling his soul breaking in my hands and my own swelling in agony at the sight of someone so precious to me so lost.
Not knowing what else I can possibly do, another reason why I’m not good enough to be his boyfriend, I simply stroke my hands over his back; letting him know that I’m here and that I’ll never leave him so long as he needs me. Even when he stops needing me I doubt that I’ll actually leave, I just love him far too much for that. Which is why seeing him like this, like I thought I was doing a pretty good job at stopping him from being, makes me feel like the most wretched sinner alive.
“No, Danosaur, no. You’re not a lunatic, you’re not crazy and you don’t need to be locked up.” My voice is soft against his ear as he wriggles up to rest his head on my shoulder, seemingly trying to hide from all of the horrors in the world by seeking refuge in my skin. “You just need a little bit of help right now, that’s all.” I turn my gaze down to his damp cheeks and gently stroke a thumb over his soft lips, capturing a tear like a dew drop on a spider web. “I’ll help you. If you’ll let me.”
There’s a long, aching silence that is neither content nor harsh; it just kind of is, like it can’t decide whether to be good or bad just so long as it’s holding my attention in it’s entirety.
Well, when I say silence I guess that that’s kind of a lie. I can hear the DVD in the distance, the synthetic theme tune playing on a loop and telling me that it’s returned to the main menu; I can hear rain plummeting out of the sky, the world crying along with my weeping boyfriend; I can hear Dan, my sobbing and shuddering and sniffling little Dan.
“Help me.” He stutters, voice getting caught on the barbed hooks of misery. “Please, Phil. Help me.”
“Okay, Dan. Okay.”
He snuggles into my side, his body turning into a near-deadweight on top of me as I cuddle him close. He’s just like a baby, my baby, just like he’s mine to take care of and protect. The same as I am his; I trust him implicitly, just as he should me. I can feel his nose nuzzling into my side, the small gesturing of affection touching me to the core because, in all honesty, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and I’m truly thankful for it. After all, by the looks of his arms I dread to think how many times I’ve come close to losing him; to losing the one thing that keeps me smiling and laughing whenever I want to cry.
A crackle of thunder rumbles throughout the atmosphere, making Dan shudder against me. This really isn’t fair; the poor guy hates thunder and the last thing he needs right now is even more stress on his over-burdened shoulders.
I guess I’ll just have to take some of the weight for him.
“Do you know what you are, Danosaur?” I feel him shake his head against me, a soft whimper radiating out of his throat. “You’re sweet; whenever I have a bad day you make me dinner and tell me stories that make me smile. You’re funny; you can make laugh with just a certain look that you do. You’re perfect; even if you’re not, you’re so close that I can’t see the difference. You’re lovable; I knew from the second I saw you that I’d spend the rest of forever with you. You’re smart and you’re kind and do you want to know what else you are?”
I smile down at him, a slight upturn of the lips playing on his own face in such an adorable way that it makes my heart jump a little bit. At least I’m getting somewhere; healing him one step, one smile, at a time.
“Tell me, Phillion.” He lets out a tiny roar-like yawn, nestling down into me and making it perfectly clear that he plans to be sleeping right here tonight. Not that I have a problem with that, so long as I can sleep here with him. “What am I?”
I lean down and peck his lips; so freaking perfect.
A/N: Just a short Phan for part ‘Y’ of my Alphabe Challenge; only Z to go now!
Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :)