Honestly, honesty was never really a part of this.
“Why won’t this fucking song stop playing? I swear this is the fifth fucking time I’ve heard it tonight!” I was yelling at an inanimate object, ranting aimlessly- and everyone just stared. I didn’t really blame them. I’d be staring too. I was a basket case.
Brendon shrugged carelessly, “I’m pretty sure it’s a different song. All of their songs just sound the same.”
“Fucking no talent hacks. I hate you. I hate you, and I hate all the crappy music you deliver.” I shouted at the radio.
Jon cleared his throat, “Uh, we could stick to CDs if it’s that big of a deal…”
“It is that big of a deal.” I snapped.
“No one else is asking so I will.” Ryan breathed out deeply, as if bracing himself for the worst. “What’s wrong Spence?”
“Nothing is wrong!” I threw up my arms before storming from the bus. The ground felt solid, and welcome underneath my feet.
“Spencer! Wait up.” Kacy called from the door of the bus.
I stopped but didn’t turn. She couldn’t do anything to help me. No one could. I just wanted to be alone. Alone sounded good, it sounded really good.
“That is a really bad song.” She finally muttered, once she caught up with me. It was just awkward enough to make me laugh.
She laughed as well.
We walked quietly, somewhat aimlessly- and neither of us spoke. This was the perfect kind of alone. I didn’t feel alone at all, but I wasn’t crowded. It was something I’d never felt before, though it was something I’d never really needed before either.
“How’s being pregnant?” I finally asked, as I kicked at a rock.
Kacy had a smile in her voice, like usual. “You don’t have to make conversation. There’s nothing wrong with silence. In fact, it’s golden, haven’t you heard?”
I laughed at that. “I really want to know. You’re carrying the spawn of satan, it has to be a pretty unique experience. I always thought Brendon should never reproduce but you know what? You might just be angel enough to even things out.”
Kacy chuckled, “Well, there’s heartburn, eating everything in sight, constantly having to go to the bathroom, and the fact that I can’t sleep on my stomach. It’s wonderful, like a dream.”
“You’re not that big yet.” I offered, “So for all the food you eat… it’s not really showing, and you can’t sleep on your stomach?”
“Even though I’m not far along… I’m too nervous to sleep on my stomach.” Kacy admitted. “And soon enough I’ll be as big as that damn bus, I’m sure of it.”
“You’ll make a pretty bus.” I teased.
“It’s Amy, isn’t it?” Spot on.
“Yeah.” And just like that I was uncomfortable all over again. “She broke up with me.”
“Why?” At least Kacy didn’t even hide her curiosity. It was a nice change.
“She never really liked me.” I rolled my eyes, “She has a thing for Brendon. It’s the whole lead singer appeal.”
“So, she dated you in order to get closer to him?” Kacy sounded as sick as I felt.
“It’s happened before.” I shook my head, “Some girls they just… they see the rest of the band as second class citizens in Brendon’s world.”
“But you’re all part of the band. I don’t get it.”
“Brendon is the front man. He’s who everyone sees mostly when they think of us.” I sighed heavily, “It’s just something… It’s something you grow used to over time.”
Kacy laughed, “Are you jealous?” She was laughing at me?
“What? No. No way.” I rolled my eyes.
“Come on Spencer, what’s really bothering you about this?”
“Maybe a little.” I took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. “I love this band, and I love Brendon. He’s one of my best friends but… lately I’ve been starting to hate him a little. It’s just… It wasn’t even Amy. I didn’t particularly care about Amy. She was just another thing, among everything else.”
“What does that mean?” Kacy stopped walking and looked up to glance at the sky like I was.
I couldn’t help but laugh. She was so innocent sometimes. “I just used her for the sex.”
“So, you’re upset that she was using you too?” Kacy’s words stung a little.
“Well, yeah.” It sucked being honest.
“You know that’s horrible, right?”
“It is.” I laughed loudly. “You sure know how to give a guy a new perspective. You know that Kacy?”
“If that’s a good thing then I’m glad. If it’s bad then… well, hold your hate towards me until the end of tour, and the end of this damn pregnancy.”
“I could never hate you.” I paused as the stars twinkled in response. It was like the sky spoke, but I just didn’t know what it was saying. “You’re my best friend, and you’re always honest with me. I need that.”
Kacy nodded, “I need that too.”
Too bad I was never able to be honest when it came to the things that mattered.
I woke up to the smell of bacon, and the thought of Kacy. It wasn’t Kacy standing next to my bed though, and it wasn’t Kacy that was mine. It was Kelsey, my newest /girlfriend/.
“Morning. I made breakfast.” She gave me a sweet smile that would’ve melted any other man, as she gestured to the bedroom door. “It’s waiting.”
“I need to shower. I’ll be out there in twenty minutes at the latest, okay?” She hesitated but then nodded, pausing at the door.
“Um, Spencer… do you, do you even still want me here?”
“I…” I paused, choking on my own words. Did I? Something told me she couldn’t handle honesty the way that Kacy could. “Yeah, of course I do. I just smell like sex, which is great and all but… not exactly something I’d like to share with the world. That’s for us baby.”
She giggled before disappearing and I was left thinking over just how big of a part honesty and dishonesty played in my life.
Kacy had always asked for honesty, and she’d always been honest with me. She was always honest with all of us. We were the liars; she was just a victim of our dishonesty and that would haunt me forever.
I never told her how I felt, how I’d felt about her before I gave in and kissed her. I never told her about Brendon and his cheating, and I never told her that I was the one who broke up with Amy. I used Brendon as an excuse. I always had, because I wanted what he wanted.
It wasn’t immediate. I didn’t love Kacy from the start. In fact, I kind of hated her. I thought Brendon was stupid, and making a huge mistake. I thought Kacy was just a way to pass the time, and then when her ‘accident’ occurred and she lost her memory… I thought he just felt guilty. I thought he felt guilty, and then I thought his lie was a way of winning. I never thought he loved Kacy. I never even thought him capable. It was such a whirlwind romance… it was just so unlikely that they’d last.
And then I heard her laugh, every single day. The sound started getting to me in the worst way possible. I saw the way Brendon loved Kacy, and she loved him in return. Despite the memory loss, and despite the cheating… They were perfect in ways that I could not comprehend.
Then my feelings started. I started to see just how attractive she was. She had a beautiful smile, and an elegant laugh. She always smelled good, and she was always honest. She was what I wanted but I could never have her.
Even now, I know that I love her and I know that I always will but because of my love for her I could never really be with her. I know she’d never be happy with me, not in the way that she's happy with Brendon.
One thing we all saw during tour was that they played off of each other. Every action gained a reaction, and it was always them. It was like they felt each other. None of the drama could touch them. They were still only human though, and humans tried desperately to wreck everything they had.
In the end it would always be them though.
It had always been them.
(Next chapter will be in Brendon’s POV and then the chapter after that in Kacy’s POV.)