As I walk up the stairs to my apartment, I touch my lips and smile. I kissed him. I can't believe I kissed him. Now I'm even more confused. The kiss, did it mean anything? It sure meant the world to me but, did it mean anything to him? Could he regret it? I sure wish I asked him about Edith. To benefit me and Gerard. Gerard wants to know if Harry still likes Edith. Not sure exactly why he wants to know. It shouldn't bother him anymore since he already has Edith.
But if I were to know his feelings towards Edith, I would know if and when I should make a move.
When I enter my house, I find it dark with only the TV light illuminating the house. I walk in the living room and find Edith with Gerard cuddling under a blanket watching TV.
"hey guys." I interrupt. They fix their heads towards my direction and smile.
"hey Vicky, why home so late?" Gerard asks as I join them in the other couch.
"I was out." I wink.
"ooh.. With your crush?" Edith says with a smirk. As soon as she said that, I lost my smile coming to realize that my crush is her ex.
"uhm.. Yup." I nod. I watch Gerard who has a worried look in his eyes.
"did he come drop you off?" he asks with a semi worried tone.
"yeah.." I answer awkwardly. He jumps out of the couch running towards the window and peeking out of it.
"ouch." Edith comments rubbing her knee.
"sorry sugar." he comes back, "I was hoping to see him ha ha." he fake laughs.
"anyway, I'm going to bed." I announce getting up.
"tell me about it In the morning." Gerard says joining Edith back in the couch.
"alright, goodnight you guys."
"night." they repeat.
I enter my cold room and close the door walking in through the dark. I walk to my balcony grabbing my cozy blanket on the way and sit down on the fire stair case.
As I sit, I think over the events that happened today in chronological order and when the scene kiss meets my mind once again, I smile to myself and giggle like a fan girl.
I kissed him and I'm so happy.
As I slept last night in Gerard's bed, I couldn't help but feel very guilty. Why? Because the last time I was here.. /I was cheating./
I remembered exactly what happened that night while I sat on the couch with Gerard. We watched TV in silence but I had no idea what we were watching because I kept having flashbacks of that night.
Our talk that day, it was nice. But while we talked, I imagined being with him. I had lustful thoughts and I couldn't help but wish to stay with him that night. I wished for it so badly and once I got what I wished for, I regretted it forever.
Even now I do, because I hurt someone that truly loved me. That regret will only stay in my heart forever no matter if I was forgiven or not.
And when Gerard and I went in his room to sleep last night, I felt uneasy. I remember when he picked me up and threw me on the bed stripping my cloths off. I looked at the bed once, and visualized our lustful scene. I shut my eyes tight and laid down on the bed. When Gerard turned the lights off, he stood at the end of the bed for one second and laid down. In my head, I was back to that night where Gerard stood at the end of the bed looking at my naked body lustfully and said, /a new tattoo?/
It made my heart raise and gave me chills. Gerard wrapped his arms around my waist and I felt confused. I knew it was Gerard who hugged me and whispered I love you sugar. Goodnight.
But it felt a lot like Harry. Because he did that a lot.
And as soon as I fell asleep, I had a nightmare with Harry in it telling me, /you've broken my heart. You'll live with that burden forever./
I shot up waking up. I breathed in heavily and looked at the clock. It's 6am. I look behind me and found Gerard sound asleep.
"Gerard, Gerard." I shake him. He opens his eyes slowly. I hover over him placing one knee on each side and kiss him deeply.
"I love you." I keep whispering between kisses. He places his hands on my hips and pulls me down on him.
"I love you too." he replies. I then stop the kissing and hug him like a koala as I pant shakily. He rubs my back and pulls my hair to one side.
"don't ever leave me." I say and look into his hazel eyes.
"I won't. Ever."
"promise me." I say anxiously.
"I promise you."
"you'll stay by my side forever?"
"I will. I promise." he smiles sweetly.
"without you, I don't think I could go on." I rest my head on his shoulder while he brushes his fingers through my hair.
"what is this all about? You wake me up and start kissing me all over. Then say all these things making me promise? What's up?"
I take a minute to answer, to gain courage.
"I had a nightmare. And Harry was in it." he struggles under me and sits up. I sit on his lap and look at him while he looks at me worriedly with crossed arms.
"what was it about?"
"well, I was walking down the street with you. We were holding hands but with my free hand, I was holding my stomach for some reason. And then we ended up in a park. There was a lot of people but when we got to a certain area, it got lonely with only one man in sight. He looked drunk and he was walking towards our direction. He looked up, and threw the beer bottle at us hitting you in the knee. When he started to speak, I realized it was Harry and he was crying. He was telling me how I left him heart broken and that he couldn't live without me. He was living in the streets alone because he couldn't find love with anyone else. He said his heart belonged to me and if I didn't go back with him, he would kill himself. I woke up scared because he held out a gun and looked down at my hand. The one resting on my stomach. He said, you're pregnant. I looked down at my stomach and I was which was pretty freaky. And so then he started crying in agony and held out his gun and shot.. Something. I dont know what it was but I actually heard a gun shot and that woke me up terrified."
Gerard held a straight face in the beginning but raised his eyebrows when I said I was pregnant in my dream. He looked down at my legs and bit his bottom lip before answering and coming back from his thoughts.
"well.. That's a pretty weird dream. Why do you think you had it?"
"I dont know.. Well.. I do actually. I felt guilty last night."
"because I realized the last time I was in your house, I was Harry's girlfriend but cheating on him with you. So it sort of haunted me last night."
"ohh.. That's right. I understand you. He did forgive you right?"
"I suppose.. He took me back."
"hmm.. Why do you still feel guilty though.."
"because I cheated. I hurt him. I don't tend to hurt people much so it's really bothering me. And I wonder if he still likes me."
"..what if he did?"
"nothing.. I guess but I would feel bad because I left him. Not that I wanted to stay but it just hurts you know? Knowing that the one you love is leaving you for someone else. And the whole time you thought they loved you but actually loved someone else. That's some shit.
I did love him, but I wasn't in love with him you know?"
"yeah I get it. Well, for the mean time, don't worry about it. Trust me on this." he places both his hands on my thighs and slowly strokes them. I play with my bottom lip with my fingers while I think over what he said.
"alright.. I guess.. Why are you so sure?"
"because..." he grabs my head and kisses it, "I just know. Trust me sugar.." he winks.
"fine." I smile, cupping his face and kissing his lips.
"I have to get home." I announce after a short make-out session.
"I have to go with Ms. Joyet...oh! Can you come today?"
"sure. I'm off today from school and work. I would love to be there and see you dance."
"awesome." I kiss him again and jump out of bed.
"I'm going to use your restroom!" I yell running out.
"alright!" he tells back.
When I hear the bathroom door close, I get out of bed and run over to Victoria's room.
"Vicky! Open up!" I scream knocking hard.
She takes a minute to answer, "what?" she rubs her eyes. She lets me in and I close the door behind me slowly.
"did Edith leave?" she sits on her bed.
"never mind that right now. Listen! You need to go out with Harry pronto!"
"because Edith dreamt about him yesterday and she feels guilty that she left him!"
"oh my god, so she still likes him??"
"no she doesn't. But she just feels really bad for him. My plan is that if she knows he's not hurt, she'll stop worrying about him. And that means that you guys should go out!"
"but.. You haven't told her yet right?"
"of course not but.. If and when you two get together, I'm going to have to."
"ugh.. That's what I'm afraid of. Fine, I'll just do it."
"awesome. Thanks Vicky!" I kiss her head and sit on the ground criss-cross.
"so, how was it yesterday?"
"well.." she grabs her pillow and hugs it, "he invited me to watch his rehearsal for his upcoming event and then we went out to eat. He also bought me a flower which I thought was so sweet! And afterwards, when he dropped me off.. We hugged and I thanked him for the flower. When we let go of the hug, we looked into each others eyes and kissed!" she squeals and falls back on her bed.
"that's fucking awesome! You and him will be together in no time I promise you that!"
"but what if he didn't like the kiss? Like, he just did it because it was in the moment?"
"well, he bought you a flower didn't he? I'm sure he likes you and not Edith!"
"oh god Gerard, well.. I guess he can have a crush on me. What do you think I should do now?"
"tell him and flirt with him more. I'm sure he likes you. When are you seeing him again?"
"not sure but hopefully soon."
"alright, well now you know what you should do."
Gerard? I hear Edith call me from outside.
"we'll talk later okay?" I tell Vicky getting up from the ground.
"are you guys going out somewhere?"
"yeah, I'm going to her ballet class."
"yeah, she's going on tour with her old company and she's preparing with Ms. Joyet."
"oh that's so nice! Alright, see you later."
"bye." I exit her room and run behind Edith who is slipping her pants on.
"hey!" she says giggling as I spin her in my arms. I set her down and she turns around to face me.
"I was putting my pants on." she giggles again. When she buckles her pants, she jumps on me wrapping her legs around me. We look into each others eyes and lean in for a kiss full of love.
"you're amazing." she says looking into my eyes again.
"why?" I question even though I know the answer.
"because there's no one like you that accepts me for who I really am; a fuck up."
"how are you a fuck up? You have the career of your life! I'm a fuck up."
"because I can't get my head straight. And you're not a fuck up. You have your own band that is bound to be famous."
"how are you so sure we'll be famous huh?"
"because you guys are amazingly talented."
"sure." I set her down but still keeping her wrapped in my arms.
"we're both fuck ups that are in love. Does that sound better?" she says playing with my hair.
"it sure does." I kiss her lips.
"being with you eases my fear of falling. That's what makes you amazing."
"I will be with you. Forever sugar."
I waited for her in her living room with Annie as she got dressed in her ballet cloths. Annie poured some coffee in my mug as she joined me on the couch.
"how are you Gee?"
"just fine. You?"
"a little gloomy" she looks down at the ground sipping her coffee, "anyway, when are we having another photoshoot huh? For My Chemical Romance!" she skips to another topic before I can ask why she's feeling gloomy.
"I dont know, whenever all of us have time" I laugh.
"just tell me.. Soon though."
"for sure. Actually, Frank has been having an idea to have a photoshoot with real blood."
"he's crazy." we both start to laugh. Edith comes in the room, setting her dance bag down and entering the kitchen.
"haven't seen you in a leotard in so long." I comment. She turns around revealing her bare back and also, a new tattoo on her right shoulder blade.
"another one?" Annie says surprisedly. Annie and I get up walking over to Edith to observe her new tattoo.
"Three Cheers for Love. Nice." Annie comments. The tattoo says that in bold theatrical letters. It has a sewn heart with blood dripping creating a pool of blood with a rose lying on it.
"when did you get it?" she turns around to face me.
"about a week ago."
"why didn't I ever see it?"
"I kind of wanted it to be a surprise but then I kind of forgot so yeah."
"it's really nice though. Does it have any meaning?"
"of course! It's three cheers to love. Our love." she says fluttering her eye lashes.
"you got it because of us?"
"I got it for our completion of love to our missing piece as Frank called it."
"sweet idea." I say and accept the sweet hug she gives me.
"ready to go?" I ask.
"yup. Bye Annie."
We head out and drive out into the directions Edith gave me. Apparently I know exactly where this place is since it's in the same place it use to be in, Fort's School of Fine Arts.
I parked the car and remembered the old times when I would also drop Edith off.
"feels like old times." Edith comments as if she was reading my mind.
"it sure does." she comes around my side and we hold hands going in. She leads me into a door after the next and we appear in the old ballet room Edith danced in. At the far corner, I see a middle-aged bony lady with a few strands of white hair calling out some terms to what seems to be a beginning class since its full of little children. She notices Edith and I and smiles.
"that was very good!" she tells the little children. She steps out in front of the mirror. The little kids follow and mirror her movement.
"you guys did a great job! Ladies!" she speaks loud and bows with the ladies.
"gentlemen." she says and the boys bow. When she turns around, all the little kids run towards her and invade her with hugs. Then, the little kids exit through another door where their parents stand waiting for them.
"hello Edith." she says bowing. Edith also bows and turns to me.
"would you happen to remember him?" she says. Ms. Joyet walks towards me with crossed arms tapping her bottom lip with squinted eyes.
"you do look a lot familiar. Now I know you're not Carlos. Hmm.." she then turns to Edith.
"do you remember my boyfriend Gerard?" Edith walks over to me and hugs my arm.
"ooh!" she does a tiny jump, "now I remember! Well hello Gerard. It's pleasant to see you again. Have you guys been together.. All this time?"
"oh no.. We had some issues before I left to Canada but when I came back we fixed them."
"really.. Well I heard a rumor of you dating Harry Carson. Artistic director of American Vision Contemporary. Was that true?"
"it was actually. But you know, that ended too."
"so now you two are back together?"
"yup." she squeezes my bicep.
"well, very nice. You know.. As long as you're happy.." she turns around walking away towards the speaker.
"I am happy." Edith comments and kisses me before she heads to the barre.
"Gerard, you can sit anywhere you'd like. Just keep quite." Ms. Joyet says with a wink and smile. She prepares the music as Edith also strips off her extra clothing until she's left only with a leotard, tights, and ballet shoes. I sit right across from Edith on the other side of the room. Edith starts to do her warm-up with pliés as she mentioned to me.
As the music keeps playing and changing, Edith does a variety of different kinds of leg movement I thought weren't ever possible. She did a movement where she lifts her leg in front of her higher than her head and carries it side and behind her, /all at the same length/
I'm just amazed of all the things she could do while standing on the ball of her foot on one leg. Like what.the.fuck.
When the music finally stopped, Edith did too holding a final position for a few seconds then letting out a breath, putting her hands on her hips. She looks over at me with a smile and wipes the sweat off her forehead. I smile back and hold out a thumbs up.
Then Edith slides on the ground doing her left splits like if it is the easiest thing in the world. Like if she was born with it and she doesn't have to brake a sweat to drop down on it. She moves from her left splits, to her middle, then right. /Amazing./
Soon enough, the door opens and a guy comes in setting his dance bag down close to the front door. He looks at me then at Ms. Joyet who looks back him with a smile. He closes the door and starts to take his sweats off and doing similar moves like Edith's at the barre.
"Hello James." Ms. Joyet says when Edith stops dancing. She walks over to me while this guy James talks with Ms. Joyet.
"water?" I ask Edith as she nods sitting down in front of me.
"you make ballet look so easy yet, you're creating a puddle of sweat."
"I know, it's very hard trust me. It takes experience to make it seem effortless."
"oh I believe you." she drinks her water slowly and tiredly. She then sets it down and looks through her bag getting her pointe shoes out.
"Edith come here for a sec." Edith stands and walks over to Ms. Joyet with one pointe shoe on and carrying the other.
"this is James Ruther I'm sure you've met before." Ms. Joyet introduces.
"of course, we've had some summer intensives together. Nice seeing you again James."
"Edith Lynn, pleasure is mine." they shake hands and he looks at her with a flirty grin. Which bugs me.. But he looks like he's a flirt with everyone.
"James is actually the understudy for the king in Mike's Swan Lake but will also be the king for a Russian ballet company. Mike said it will be a good idea to practice the pas de duex with him while you both are here."
"well that's perfect." Edith giggles.
"great. Shall we get started?" Ms. Joyet walks to the center in front of them and from what I see, she's teaching Edith's part first. Edith mocks her movement as she explains to James what to do. Out of the blue, I see Edith repeat her steps and jumps while James catches her. He has her lifted for a few seconds then sets her down gently while Edith stands on one leg on pointe extending the other behind her creating a swan figure.
Ms. Joyet smiles approvingly and moves on.
As I watch them all dance, I start to realize how much Edith must love dancing ballet. After about an hour and a half or so of doing this and sweating her butt off, she still dances very gracefully and "full out" as they call it.
About another hour past and honestly, as beautiful as watching Edith dance is, I got bored and tired. So an idea popped in my head and I took out my sketch book and started to sketch Edith.
I felt a tap on my foot and I look up taking my headphones off.
"ready to go?" Edith says looking down at me.
"finally, my ass started to hurt." I whisper getting up.
"sorry for the long wait. I would have warned you but didn't think it was necessary Since I'm use to the long waits."
"it's okay." she grabs my hand and we start to walk out when James approaches us.
"that was very nice Edith." he comments. She lets go of my hand to hug him.
"thanks. You were great too." they let go of the hug and he looks at me.
"oh hey, this is my boyfriend Gerard."
"oh, hello I'm James." he extends his arm.
"well, I gotta go but I'll see you next time."
"alright." they hug goodbye and I shake his hand once more before we start to walk.
We hold hands tightly as we walk a pretty calm pace towards my car. She looks down at the ground while we walk and every once in a while swings our hands. We reach the car but before we enter, I stop her, grab her chin and kiss her softly on the lips. She accepts it so smoothly and we let go slowly.
"what was that for?" she asks with a small smile.
"I dont know, just felt like I needed to do it."
She smiles again and kisses my cheek.
I open the car doors and we step inside. I place my drawing book on the back seat and start the car. When I start to drive out, she reaches for the back seat and grabs my drawing book.
"what's this?" I quickly look and notice she's talking about my drawing of her.
"it's you. I got bored after a while so I started to draw. You like?"
"it's beautiful. You're an amazing artist." she looks at it in awe with a huge grin on her face.
"mind finishing it?" she asks after a while.
"sure. I'll have it done in a few days."
I grab her hand and hold it tight in mine. Her soft touch makes me all warm inside.
I start to realize, whilst she caresses my hand with her thumb, that I must be crazy in love. I waited for her for seven years, and add one to that since she had come back but was with someone else and on top of that, told me she didn't want to be with me anymore because we weren't right for each other. Only a mad man in love would wait for the one they love.
To think about it, I've never actually been this happy in my life. Especially during those seven years that I thought I'd never see her again. Cubicles was my theme song at the moment.
But happiness was foreign to me. I've never been this happy with a girl. This time, nothing can seperate us. Nothing will. I won't let it happen because this is our time. Soon, she'll be Mrs. Edith Hailey Way.